UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA 
AT   LOS  ANGELES 


ANNALS  OF    QUODLIBET. 


THE  AUTHOR  OF  "  SWAUOW  BARN,"  ETC.  ETC. 


f]  J2^wu- "- 

QUODLIBfa  T: 


CONTAINING 


SOME   ANNALS  THEREOF, 


AUTHENTIC  ACCOUNT  OF  THE  ORIGIN  AND  GROWTH  OF  THE  BOROUGH, 
AND  THE  SAYINGS  AND  DOINGS  OF  SUNDRY  OF  THE  TOWNS- 
PEOPLE; INTERSPERSED  WITH  SKETCHES  OF  THE  MOST 
REMARKABLE  AND  DISTINGUISHED  CHARACTERS 
OF  THAT  PLACE  AND  ITS  VICINITY. 


BY  SOLOMON   SECONDTHOUGHTS, 

SCHOOLMASTER, 


FROM  ORIGINAL  MSB.  INDITED  BT  HIM,  AND  NOW  MADE  PUBLIC  AT  THE  BEQUEST  AND 

TODEB  THE  PATRONAGE  OF  THE  GREAT  NEW-LIGHT  DEMOCBATIC 

CENTRAL  COMMUTES  OF  QUODUBET. 


Maxima  de  nihilo  nascitur  historia.— PROPERTIUS. 


SECOND    EDITION. 


PHILADELPHIA : 

J.    B.    LIPPINCOTT    &    CO., 

I860. 


Entered,  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1860,  by 
J.  B.  LIPPINCOTT  &  CO, 

In  the  Clerk's  Office  of  the  District  Court  of  the  United  States  for  the 
Eastern  District  of  Pennsylvania. 


7s. 


A  WORD   FROM   THE   AUTHOR. 


^        THESE  annals  were  first  published  in  1840.    They  reappear 
>.    after  an  interval  of  twenty  years.     In  that  interval  the  old 
^   questions  which  inflamed  the  zeal  and  sharpened  the  wit  of 
parties  have  totally  disappeared  from  the  political  field:  the 
parties  themselves  have  fermented  into  new  compounds,  and  lost 
all  cognizable  identity.     Old  warriors,  who  dealt  mortal  blows 
on  each  other's  sconce,  have  sunk  to  sleep  in  the  same  truckle- 
bed,  and  have  waked  up  in  mutual  surprise  to  find  themselves 
in  each  other's  arms;  with  a  new  flag  above  them,  and  new  and 
inaccustomed  voices  giving  the  word  of  command. 

The  youth  who  have  grown  up  to  manhood  in  the  mean  time, 
j^-  and  have  come  to  be  conspicuous  in  the  conduct  of  public  affairs, 
*  compose  a  distinct  generation,  as  unconscious  of  the  events,  the 
interests,  and  sentiments  of  twenty  years  ago  as  of  those  of  re- 
mote antiquity.  These  not  only  reject  the  traditions  and  teach- 
ings of  the  past,  but  repudiate  and  ignore  the  whole  scheme  of 
social  and  political  opinion  of  the  men  who  have  gone  before 
them,  disdaining  to  adopt  their  maxims  of  government,  their 
policy,  their  forbearance,  their  toleration,  or  their  affections. 
They  inaugurate  a  new  era  of  new  principles,  new  purposes,  new 
powers,  new  morals,  and,  alas  !  of  new  hatreds. 

May  it  not  serv$  a  good  turn  toward  arresting  this  torrent  of 
innovation,  to  present  to  the  leisure  meditation  of  those  who  are 
embarking  upon  its  stream,  a  few  memorials  of  a  bygone  day, 
1*  (v) 


VI  A   WORD   FEOM    THE   AUTHOR. 

quite  as  distinguished  as  the  present  for  the  intensity  of  its  po- 
litical ardors  and  the  absurdity  of  its  excesses,  but,  fortunately, 
more  harmless  and  amiable  in  its  temper?  Is  it  not  worthwhile 
to  attempt,  by  these  playful  sketches  of  the  past,  to  lure  the 
angry  combatants  into  a  smile,  and,  by  showing  them  the 
grotesque  retribution  which  history  inflicts  upon  distempered 
parties  after  a  few  decades  of  oblivion,  to  beguile  them  into 
some  consideration  of  the  predicament  in  which  they  may  leave 
their  own  renown  ?  May  not  all  sober-minded  lovers  of  their 
country  contemplate  with  some  profit  the  morale  of  a  picture — 
even  as  light  and  extravagant  as  this — which  represents  the 
engrossments  of  parties  who  fancied  that  the  destinies  of  a 
great  nation  hung  upon  the  plots  and  counterplots  of  their  busy 
ferment, — which  engrossments,  with  all  their  concomitant  gravi- 
ties and  glorifications,  twenty  years  have  shriveled  into  the 
dimensions  of  a  pleasant  farce— a  little  stage  imbroglio  of  comic 
conceits  and  fussy  nothings  ? 

That  intrepidity  of  absurdity  which  no  responsible  individual 
would  dare  to  countenance  in  his  own  conduct,  and  which  is 
only  possible  to  organized  bodies  propelled  by  the  ardor  of  party 
enthusiasm,  is  a  fact  in  human  action  worth  the  study  of  the 
philosopher.  By  some  unexplored  tidal  law,  parties  would  seem 
to  move  through  successive  ebb  and  flow  toward  a  final  cul- 
mination of  mischievous  extreme,  each  refluent  wave  returning 
with  heavier  mass,  until  the  accumulated  weight  of  madness  and 
folly  overtopples,  breaks,  and  dissolves  in  noisy  foam.  As  we 
have  a  computed  cycle  of  a  money-crisis,  the  known  result  of  an 
increasing  and  rapid  prosperity  ill  used,  so  also  we  have  the 
regularly  recurring  political  crisis,  the  result  of  increasing  party- 
power  abused  by  rash  and  insolent  presumption  upon  its 
strength. 

This  century  has  run  out  its  three  periods  of  twenty  years. 


A   WORD    FROM    THE    AUTHOR.  Vll 

The  first  ended  in  the  total  absorption  of  all  differences  of 
opinion,  bringing  a  stagnant  calm  upon  the  waters  of  ancient 
strife.  The  second  culminated  in  a  revolution  that  shook  a 
great  party  out  of  its  seat ; — a  revolution  which  these  annals 
were  designed  to  illustrate.  The  third  period  has  wheeled 
through  its  course,  to  work  another  downfall  and  another  revo- 
lution more  notable  and  significant  than  either  that  have  gone 
before.  The  fourth,  let  us  hope,  may  find  a  nation  restored  to 
reason  ; — a  great  united  Eepublic,  tried  and  purified  by  the  ex- 
perience of  dangers  incurred  and  surmounted,  and  by  an 
awakened  patriotism  successfully  asserting  the  predominance 
of  the  good  sense  and  virtue  of  the  people  over  the  factious 
spirit  that  ministers  to  personal  ambition,  and  the  vanity  that 
seeks  renown  in  innovations  upon  either  the  principles  in  which 
the  Union  was  formed,  or  the  sentiment  by  which  it  is  to  be  pre- 
served. 

But  these  reflections  are  tending  Coward  a  graver  subject 
than  it  would  be  becoming  to  discuss  here.  So,  I  leave  them 
for  some  more  appropriate  occasion.  If  I  have  any  reason  to 
fear  the  annals  of  Quodlibet  may  find  no  favor  with  the  emerg- 
ing generation,  I  can  make  sure  of  another  class  of  readers  to 
whom  I  look  with  a  staunch  and  unfaltering  trust ; — that  goodly 
host  of  ripe  and  considerate  citizens,  the  survivors  of  1840 — 
that  salt  of  the  earth,  who  live  on  the  past,  and  reckon  old 
memories  to  be  better  than  a  fresh  and  damp  morning  journal. 
To  you,  old  friends,  bald  on  the  crown,  gray  and  feathery  about 
the  temples,  with  jovial  glance  of  the  eye,  showing  a  heart  made 
kind  by  trials,  and  who  love  your  country  with  an  affection  that 
grows  out  of  the  straits  in  which  you  have  seen  her,  and  the 
faith  you  have  that  Providence  has  helped  her  through  them, 
and  will  help  her  through  many  more  :  to  you,  seasoned  and  made 
jocund  by  time,  and  who,  both  as  supporters  and  antagonists, 


viii  A  WORD    FROM   THE   AUTHOR*. 

have  run  through  the  career  of  passion  and  delusion,  and  out- 
lived the  wrath,  the  cunning,  and  the  falsehood,  the  grandilo- 
quent fervor  and  exaggerated  importance  of  the  old  political 
quarrels ;  to  you  I  dedicate  this  new  edition  of  this  book  and 
consign  it  to  your  protection,  with  the  affectionate  trust  of  a 
fellow-soldier,  (whether  as  comrade  or  opponent, — as  kindly  in 
one  character  as  the  other,)  in  the  whilom  war  of  bloodless  cam- 
paigns, in  which  for  years  we  were  mutually  engaged. 

The  astute  reader  of  these  annals,  if  he  but  truly  analyze 
their  philosophy,  may  obtain  a  revelation  more  or  less  intelligible 
of  what  is  acting  on  the  stage  to-day,  and  even  arrive  at  some 
data  by  which  he  may  cast  a  horoscope  of  the  time  to  come. 
History  is  constantly  reproducing  itself.  Events  have  different 
dates,  and  run  in  different  names;  but  motives,  human  action 
and  passion,  are  the  same,  and  bring  to  light  the  same  categories 
of  thought  and  opinion.  That  which  has  been,  is,  and  will  be 
again,  through  an  infinite  series  of  repetitions.  Thus  we  read 
the  present  and  the  future  in  the  past.  And  in  this  light  I 
affirm  the  annals  to  be  a  fair  and  veritable  history  of  this  time. 
Change  a  few  secondary  particulars,  and  the  reader  will  find 
1840  a  type  of  1860. 

Would  that  in  these  grotesque  absurdities  of  the  busy  world 
of  twenty  years  ago  the  men  who  shape  and  control  the  political 
issues  of  this  day  may  see  some  reflected  images  of  themselves, 
and  thus  find  a  motive  to  make  interest  with  posterity  for  a 
better  report  twenty  years  hence  ! 


INTRODUCTION. 


FRIENDLY  READER: — 

OF  a  truth,  we  are  a  great  people ! — and  most  happy 
am  I,  Solomon  Secondthoughts,  Schoolmaster  of  the 
Borough  of  Quodlibet,  that  it  hath  fallen  to  my  lot, 
even  in  my  small  way,  to  make  known  to  you  how  in 
our  Borough  that  greatness  hath  grown  toward  its  per- 
fect maturity — feeling  persuaded  that  Quodlibet  therein 
is  but  an  abstract  or  miniature  portrait  of  this  nation. 
Happy  am  I,  although  sorely  oppressed  with  an  inward 
perception  of  my  defective  craft  in  this  most  worthy  task, 
that  I  have  been  thought  by  our  Central  Committee  a  fit 
expounder  of  that  history  wherein  is  enchrysalized  (if  I 
may  be  allowed  to  draw  a  word,  parce  detortum,  from  the 
Greek  mint)  the  most  veritable  essence  of  that  recently 
discovered  Democratic  theory,  for  distinction  called  the 
Quodlibetarian,  which  is  destined  to  supplant  all  other 
principles  in  our  government,  and  to  render  us  the  most 
formidable  and  the  most  imposing  people  upon  the  terra- 
queous globe. 

How  it  came  to  pass  that  this  duty  has  been  committed 

to  my  hands,  you  shall  learn. 

(ix) 


X  INTKODUCTION. 

In  the  days  of  the  late  Judge  Flam,  now  thirty  years 
gone  by,  and  long  before  Quodlibet  was,  that  very  consider- 
ate and  astute  gentleman  honored  me,  a  poor  and  youthful 
scholar,  with  a  promotion  to  the  office  of  private  tutor  in 
his  family,  then  residing  at  their  ancient  seat  in  this  neigh- 
borhood. It  was  my  especial  duty,  in  this  station,  to 
prepare  Master  Middleton,  the  eldest  born,  for  college; 
which  in  three  years  of  assiduous  labor  was  achieved, 
much  to  my  content,  and,  I  need  not  scruple  to  affirm, 
no  less  to  my  honor,  seeing  how  notably  my  pupil  has 
since  figured  in  high  places  among  the  salt  of  the  nation. 
Far  be  it  from  me  to  take  an  undue  share  of  desert  for 
this  consummation ;  it  would  be  disingenuous  not  to  say 
that  my  pupil's  liberal  endowments  at  the  hand  of  Nature 
herself  rendered  my  task  easy  of  success. 

By  the  aid  of  my  early  patron  the  Judge,  whose  mem- 
ory will  long  be  embalmed  in  the  unction  of  my  gratitude, 
I  became,  after  Master  Middleton  was  passed  from  under 
my  care,  the  head  of  our  district  school,  which  at  first  was 
established  in  that  lowly  log  building  under  the  big  chest- 
nut upon  the  Rumblebottom,  about  fifty  rods  south  of 
Christy  M'Curdy's  mill — which  tenement  is  yet  to  be  seen, 
although  in  a  melancholy  state  of  desolation,  the  roof 
thereof  having  been  blown  away  in  the  famous  hurricane 
of  August,  1836,  just  two  years  and  ten  months  after  the 
Removal  of  the  Deposits.  This  unfortunate  event — I 
mean  the  blowing  off  of  the  roof — it  was  the  mercy  of 
Providence  to  delay  for  the  term  of  one  year  and  a  frac- 
tion of  a  month  after  I  had  removed  into  the  new  academy 
which  my  former  pupil,  and  now,  in  lineal  succession  to  his 


INTRODUCTION.  XI 

lamented  parent  the  Judge,  my  second  patron,  the  Hon. 
Middleton  Flam,  had  procured  to  be  erected  for  my  better 
accommodation  in  the  Borough  of  Quodlibet.  Had  my 
removal  been  delayed,  or  the  hurricane  have  risen  thirteen 
months  sooner  than  it  did,  who  shall  'tell  what  mourning  it 
might  not  have  spread  through  our  country  side — who 
shall  venture  to  say  that  Quodlibet  might  not  have  been 
to-day  without  a  chronicler  ? 

This  long  inhabiting  of  mine  in  these  parts  has  afforded 
me  all  desirable  opportunities  to  note  the  growth  of  the 
region,  and  especially  to  mark  out  the  beginnings,  the 
progression,  and  the  sudden  magnifying  of  our  Borough ; 
and  being  a  man — I  speak  it  not  vaingloriously — of  an 
inquiring  turn,  and  strongly  gifted,  as  our  people  of  Quod- 
libet are  pleased  to  allow,  with  the  perfection  of  setting 
down  my  thoughts  in  writing;  and  having  that  essential 
requisite  of  the  historian,  an  ardent  and  unquenchable 
love  of  my  subject,  it  has  ever  been  my  custom  to  put  into 
my  tablets  whatsoever  I  have  deemed  noteworthy  in  the 
events  and  opinions  of  my  day,  accompanied  by  such 
reflections  thereon  as  my  subject  might  be  found  to  invite. 
Some  of  these  memorabilia,  with  discourses  pertinent  to 
the  same,  have  I  from  time  to  time,  distrustfully  and  with 
the  proper  timidity  of  authorship,  ventured  to  contribute 
to  our  newspaper,  and  thereby  has  my  secret  vanity  been 
regaled  by  seeing  myself  in  print.  By  what  token  I  have 
not  yet  ascertained,  but  these  lucubrations  of  mine  were 
not  long  ago  discovered  to  our  "  Grand  Central  Committee 
of  Unflinching  New-Light  Quodlibetarian  Democrats," 
who  have  been  charged  with  the  arduous  duty  of  main- 


Xii  INTRODUCTION. 

taining  the  integrity  of  the  party  in  the  present  alarming 
crisis,  and  of  promoting,  by  all  means  in  their  power,  the 
indefeasible,  unquestionable,  and  perpetual  right  of  succes- 
sion to  the  Presidential  Chair,  claimed  by  and  asserted  for 
the  candidate  of  the  great,  unterrified  New  Democratic 
school  of  patriotic  defenders  of  the  spoils.  This  Central 
Committee  now  hold  their  sessions  weekly  in  Quodlibet — 
and  having  discovered  my  hand  in  the  lucubrations  to  which 
I  have  alluded  above,  they  have  been  pleased  to  express  a 
favorable  opinion  thereon;  and,  as  a  sequence  thereto,  it 
has  occurred  to  them  to  fancy  that  my  poor  labors  being 
duly  given  to  the  compiling  of  such  a  history  as  my  tablets 
might  afford  of  the  rise  and  progress  of  the  New  Demo- 
cratic principle  in  Quodlibet,  the  same  would  greatly 
redound  to  the  advantage  of  the  cause  in  the  present 
great  struggle.  Acting  upon  this  suggestion,  the  Grand 
Central  Committee  have  honored  me  with  a  request  to 
throw  into  such  shape  as  I  might  deem  best  these  scat- 
tered records  of  opinion  and  chronicles  of  fact,  whereof  I 
was  supposed  to  have  a  rich  magazine. 

Readily  and  cheerfully  have  I  acceded  to  this  request ; 
and  with  the  more  relish,  as  I  shall  thus  be  furnished  with 
an  authentic  occasion  to  present  to  the  world  the  many 
valuable  thoughts  and  eloquent  utterings  of  my  late  dis- 
tinguished pupil,  and  now  beneficent  patron,  the  Hon. 
Middleton  Flam,  long  a  representative  of  this  Borough 
and  the  adjacent  district  in  the  Congress  of  the  United 
States. 

I  pretend  to  no  greater  merit  in  this  execution  of  my 
task  than  what  an  impartial  spirit  of  investigation,  a  long 


INTRODUCTION.  xiii 

acquaintance  with  persons  of  every  degree  connected  with 
this  history,  an  apt  judgment  in  discriminating  between 
opinions,  a  most  faithful  and  abundant  memory,  a  careful 
store  of  documentary  evidence,  an  unalterable  devotion  to 
the  great  principles  of '  Quodlibetarian  Democracy,  and, 
for  the  expounding  of  all,  a  lucid  and  felicitous  style,  may 
allow  me  to  claim  as  the  chronicler  of  this  Borough. 

The  better  to  assure  you,  my  friendly  reader,  that,  in 
temper  and  condition,  I  may  demand  somewhat  of  the 
confidence  due  to  the  character  "of  a  dispassionate  com- 
mentator on  the  times,  I  would  have  you  understand  that 
I  am  now  on  the  shady  side  of  sixty,  unmarried,  and  in 
possession  of  an  easy  revenue  of  four  hundred  dollars  per 
annum,  which  is  voted  to  me  by  our  commissioners,  for 
instructing  in  their  rudiments  thirty-seven  children  of  both 
sexes ;  that  I  have  a  plate  at  the  table  of  my  patron,  the 
Hon.  Middleton  Flam,  my  former  pupil,  every  Sunday  at 
dinner;  and  that  he,  being  aware  for  some  time  past  of 
my  purpose  to  treasure  up  his  remarkable  sayings,  has, 
with  a  generous  freedom,  often  repeated  to  me  many  opin- 
ions which  otherwise  would  have  been  irretrievably  lost. 
Moreover,  since  I  am  now  brought  before  the  public  under 
circumstances  in  which  reserve  on  my  part  would  be  no 
better  than  affectation,  I  would  also  advertise  my  indul- 
gent reader  of  the  fact  that  I  belong  to  the  Quodlibetarian 
New-Light  Club,  whereof  I  some  time  officiated  as  Secre- 
tary, and  which  club  generally  meets  on  Saturday  night  at 
Ferret's ;  that  the  members  of  the  same,  noting  my  staid- 
ness  of  deportment  and  the  careful  deliberation  with  which 

I  guard  myself  in  the  utterance  of  any  discourse,  do  fre- 

2 


XIV  INTKODUCTION. 

quent  honor  to  the  temperance  of  my  judgment  by  making 
me  the  arbiter  of  such  casual  controversies  as  arise  therein, 
touching  the  true  import  and  application  of  the  principles 
of  our  New-Light  Democracy ;  and — if  I  run  no  risk  of 
being  charged  with  offering  a  trivial  evidence  of  the  repu- 
tation I  have  earned  in  the  club — I  would  also  mention, 
that  some  of  our  light  wags  have  gone  so  far — facetiously 
and  with  a  commendable  good  nature,  knowing  that  I 
would  not  take  it  ill,  as  more  peevish  men  might,  in  their 
jocular  pleasantry — as  to  call  me,  in  allusion  to  my  natural 
sedateness,  SOBER  SECONDTHOTJGHTS  : — the  rogues  •! 

And  now,  amiable  and  considerate  reader,  you  have 
"ab  imo  pectore"  my  honest  avouch  for  what  I  proposs 
to  lay  before  you,  and  a  plain  confession  of  my  weaknesses. 
I  come  with  a  clean  breast  to  the  confessional.  We  shall 
have  a  frugal  banquet  of  it,  but  the  fruits,  I  make  bold  to 
promise,  shall  be  wholesome  and  of  the  best.  Now  turn 
we  to  it  in  good  earnest.  If  this  little  chronicle — for  my 
book  shall  not  be  overgrown  and  apoplectic,  but  rather,  as 
you  shall  find  it,  "garrulous  and  thin" — do  not  bring  you 
to  a  profound  sense  of  the  value  of  this  Amaranth  of 
Republicanism,  the  New-Light  Quodlibetarian  Democracy, 
then  say  it  to  my  teeth,  there  is  no  virtue  in  SOBER 
SECONDTHOUGHTS.  Go  thy  ways — "  The  wise  man's  eyes 
are  in  his  head,  but  the  fool  walketh  in  darkness." 

S.  S.,  SCHOOLMASTER. 


TABLE  OF  CONTENTS. 


PAGE 

A  WORD  FROM  THE  AUTHOR 6 

INTRODUCTION 9 

INTERLOCUTORS  ACTORS,  etc « 21 

CHAPTER  I. 

Antiquities  of  Quodlibet.  Michael  Grant's  lanyard  destroyed 
by  the  canal.  Consequences  of  this  event.  Two  distin- 
guished individuals  take  up  their  residence  in  the  Bo- 
rough. Establishment  of  the  Patriotic  Copperplate  Bank. 
Circumstances  which  led  to,  and  followed  that  measure. 
Michael  Grant'a  objections  to  it.. 25 

CHAPTER  II. 

Great  usefulness  of  the  bank.  Surprising  growth  of  Quodlibet. 
Some  account  of  the  Hon.  Middleton  Flam.  Origin  of  his 
Democracy.  His  logical  argument  in  favor  of  the  pocketing 
of  the  Bill  to  repeal  the  Specie  Circular.  The  Democratic 
principle  as  developed  in  the  Representative  System 41 

CHAPTER  III. 

Further  discourse  relating  to  the  Hon.  Middleton  Flam.  Cor- 
rection in  the  orthography  of  his  family  seat.  His  respect 
for  the  people.  Vei'y  original  views  entertained  by  him  on 

XV 


XVI  TABLE    OF    CONTENTS. 

PAGE 

this  subject.  His  liberality  in  money  matters.  Aversion 
to  the  law  regarding  interest.  Democratic  view  of  that 
question.  His  encouragement  of  industry  and  the  working 
people.  Ingenious  and  profound  illustration  of  the  Great 
Democratic  Principle 57 

CHAPTER  IV. 

The  Second  Era.  Population  of  Quodlibet.  Increase  unpar- 
alleled in  Ancient  Cities ;  equaled  only  by  Milwaukee,  etc. 
Success  of  the  bank.  Attack  upon  it  in  Congress.  The 
Hon.  Middleton  Flam's  triumphant  vindication.  Sketch  of 
his  celebrated  speech  before  the  New  Lights.  Inimitable 
irony  on  the  Divorce  of  Government  and  Bank.  Merited 
compliment  to  the  head  of  the  Secretary  of  the  Treasury. 
That  distinguished  gentleman's  opinions 68 

CHAPTER  V. 

Excitement  produced  by  The  Thorough  Blue  Whole  Team. 
Meeting  of  the  New  Lights.  Jesse  Ferret's  ambidexterity. 
Introduction  of  Eliphalet  Fox  to  the  club.  His  exposition 
of  principles.  Establishment  of  the  Quodlibet  Whole  Hog.  79 

CHAPTER  VI. 
Being  a  short  history  of  Eliphalet  Fox, 87 

CHAPTER  VII. 

Astounding  Event ;  Suspension  of  Specie  Payments.  Proceed- 
ings of  the  Bank  of  Quodlibet  thereupon.  Resolve  of  the 
Directors  against  Suspension.  Conspiracy  and  threatened 
Revolution  headed  by  Flan  Sucker.  Directors  change  their  • 
mind.  Their  consternation  and  escape.  Remarkable  bravery 


TABLE   OF    CONTENTS. 


PAGE 

and  presence  of  mind  of  the  Hon.  Middleton  Flam.  His 
splendid  appeal  to  the  insurgents.  General  Jackson's  oracu- 
lar views  in  regard  to  the  Suspension 93 


CHAPTER  VIII. 

Signs  of  discord  in  Quodlibet.  The  Iron-Railing  Controversy. 
Agammenon  Flag's  nomination.  Revolt  of  Theodore  Fog. 
The  celebrated  Split.  Consequences  of  Jesse  Ferret's  per- 
nicious dogma  in  reference  to  publicans.  First  fruits  of  the 
Split  manifested  at  Mrs.  Ferret's  tea  drinking.  Grave  re- 
flections by  the  author.  Moral 106 

CHAPTER  IX 

Great  meeting  at  the  Sycamore  Spring.  Some  description  of 
the  arrangements.  Nicodemus  Handy  chosen  to  preside  on 
this  occasion.  Motion- to  that  effect  by  Mr.  Snuffers.  This 
worthy  gentleman's  misfortune.  His  escape.  Successful 
organization  of  the  meeting 118 

CHAPTER  X. 

Scenes  at  the  Sycamore  Spring.  Nicodemus  Handy's  speech 
as  President.  Sketch  of  Andrew  Grant's  speech.  Aga- 
memnon Flag's.  Attempts  at  interruption.  Theodore  Fog's 
celebrated  speech  on  this  occasion.  Eloquent  exposition  of 
principles.  His  triumph.  His  misfortune.  Quipes's  dis- 
appointment of  his  friends 128 

CHAPTER  XL 

The  division  of  the  party  becomes  more  distinct.  Admirable 
address  of  Eliphalet  Fox  at  this  juncture.  Result  of  the 


;yiii  TABLE    OF    CONTENTS. 

PAGE 

election.  Rejoicing  of  the  True  Grits.  Jesse  Ferret's  diffi- 
culties. Is  taken  to  task  by  his  dame.  Candid  avowal  of 
his  embarrassments.  Theodore  Fog's  exposition  of  True 
Grit  principles.  His  good-natured  encouragement  of  Jesse 
Ferret.  Dabbs's  treat 147 


CHAPTER  XII. 

Third  Era.  Divisions  in  Quodlibet  continue.  Fomented  by  the 
women.  Fog  rather  disappoints  his  friends  by  his  course  in 
the  Legislature.  Prostration  of  business  in  the  Borough. 
Traced  to  the  merchants.  Mr.  Flam's  opinion  of  them,  and 
the  consequence  thereof.  Indignation  of  the  New  Lights 
against  them.  Fog's  eulogium  upon  them.  Movements  of 
the  True  Grits.  Fox's  skillful  management.  The  Tigertail 
affair.  Mysterious  termination  of  it.  Nim  Porter's  indis- 
cretion   169 

CHAPTER  XIII. 

A  political  discussion  at  Abel  Brawn's  shop.  Abel's  views  of 
the  Sub-Treasury.  Important  communication  made  by  Theo- 
dore Fog.  The  New  Lights  take  ground  against  the  banks. 
The  Hon.  Middleton  Flam  resigns  the  Presidency  of  the 
Copperplate  Bank.  Snuifers  aspires  to  the  succession 181 

CHAPTER  XIV. 

Letter  from  a  Cabinet  officer  to  Mr.  Flam.  Directions  to  the 
Democracy.  The  Cabinet  officer's  mode  of  producing  an  im- 
pression. The  President's  determination  in  regard  to  the  * 
Independent  Treasury.  Warning  to  deserters.  Candidates 
for  Mr.  Flam's  place  in  the  bank.  Hardbottle  elected. 
Theodore  Fog's  outbreak.  He  cools  down  and  stands  upon 
principle.  Hardbottle  unpopular ,.  194 


TABLE    OF    CONTENTS.  XIX 


CHAPTER  XV.  t 

PAOK 

Unhappy  event  in  the  life  of  Nicodemus  Handy.  Consterna- 
tion at  Quodlibet.  Disasters  among  the  Directors.  Explo- 
sion of  the  bank.  -Conversation  between  Theodore  Fog  and 
Mr.  Grant.  Fog's  views  of  the  question  of  distress.  Com- 
pliment to  Jesse  Ferret 201 

CHAPTER  XVI. 

A  rapid  review  of  one  year.  What  the  author  is  compelled  to 
pretermit.  The  President's  "Sober  Secondthought"  mes- 
sage received  at  Quodlibet  with  great  rejoicing.  The  author 
communes  with  his  reader  touching  New-Light  principles. 
Illustrations  of  them.  Remarkable  dexterity  of  the  Secre- 
tary. -  Interesting  letter  from  the  Hon.  Middleton  Flam. 
Dawning  of  the  Presidential  Canvass.  The  Northern  man 
with  Southern  principles,  and  his  mannikin 214 

CHAPTER  XVII. 

Fourth  Era.  The  Hon.  Middleton  Flam  re-elected.  The  New 
Lights  determine  to  stigmatize  the  Whigs  as  Federalists. 
Mr.  Flam's  instructions  in  regard  to  the  Presidential  Can- 
vass. Nomination  of  Harrison  and  Tyler.  Course  of  the 
New  Lights.  Formation  of  the  Grand  Central  Committee  of 
Unflinching  New-Light  Quodlibetarian  Democrats.  Its  Pres- 
ident, Secretary,  and  place  of  meeting 225 

* 

CHAPTER  XVIII. 

Proceedings  of  the  Grand  Central  Committee.  Vindication  of 
the  severity  practiced  against  General  Harrison.  Tactics  of 
the  New  Lights.  Abolitionism.  Selling  white  men  for  debt. 


!X  TABLE    OF  -CONTENTS. 

PAOE 

Harrison  a  coward.  Considerations  which  led  to  the  naming 
of  the  opposition  British  Whigs.  Stratagem  against  Har- 
rison, and  the  clamor  against  him  for  not  answering.  Hope 
of  the  New  Lights  confirmed  by  the  Connecticut,  Rhode 
Island,  and  Virginia  elections.  Baltimore  Convention  a 
failure.  Important  letter  from  Mr.  Flam.  Amos  Kendall's 
purpose  to  resign.  Excitement  of  composition  prescribed 
by  his  physician.  Central  Committee  sanction  the  compila- 
tion of  these  annals....  ...232 


CHAPTER  XIX. 

Deserved  compliment  on  Mr.  Van  Buren's  exploit  of  the  Florida 
War.  The  affair  of  the  True  Grits  and  Sergeant  Trap.  True 
Grits  suffer  a  defeat.  Flan  Sucker's  opinion  upon  the  sub- 
ject. His  account  of  an  action  at  law  between  Joe  Snare 
and  Ike  Swingletree 242 


CHAPTER  XX. 

These  Chronicles  draw  to  a  close.  The  New  Lights  not  dis- 
pleased with  Eliphalet  Fox's  discomfiture.  Passage  of 
the  Independent  Treasury  Bill,  and  rejoicing  thereon  in 
Quodlibet.  Changes.  Interesting  letter  from  the  Dibble 
family.  Mr.  Flam  returns  to  Quodlibet.  His  views  of  the 
Canvass.  The  President's  reliance  on  the  intelligence  of  the 
people.  Ignominy  and  Insult  of  Federalism.  Elections  in 
Kentucky,  Indiana,  and  North  Carolina,  Alabama,  Mis- 
souri, and  Illinois.  Presidential  election.  Consternation  of 
the  Quods.  Meeting  of  the  Club.  Quarrel  of  Theodore  Fog 
and  Hon.  Middleton  Flam.  Defection  of  Fog  and  sundry 
True  Grits.  Second  Split.  Great  uproar  and  confusion 254 


INTERLOCUTORS,  ACTORS,  AND  OTHERS 
NOTED  IN  THIS  HISTORY. 


NEW-LIGHT  QUODLIBETARIAN  DEMOCRATS. 


THE  HON.  MIDDLETON  FLAM.— Head  of  the  New  Lights,  Rep- 
resentative of  the  district  in  Congress,  President  of 
the  Copperplate  Bank,  intimate  with  the  Secretary 
of  the  Treasury,  an  orator,  a  philosopher, -and  a  man 
of  large  estate. 

NICODEMUS  HANDY. — Projector  of  the  Copperplate  Bank, 
Cashier  of  the  same,  and  some  time  second  in  command 
of  the  New  Lights. 

SIMON  SNUFFERS.— Superintendent  of  the  Hay  Scales,  and 
President  of  the  New-Light  Club. 

NATHANIEL  DOUBLEDAY.— Clerk  of  the  Court  and  Vice  of  the 
Club. 

g.  S. — Author  and  Editor  of  this  History,  Principal  of  the  Dis- 
trict School,  honorary  member  of  several  literary 
societies,  and  Secretary  no  less  to  the  New-Light 
Club  than  to  the  Grand  Central  Committee  of  Un- 
flinching New-Light  Quodlibetarian  Democrats — quorum 
magnapars  fui. 

AGAMEMNON  FLAG. — Attorney-at-Law,  formerly  of  Bickerbray. 
At  one  time  the  Regular  Nomination  Candidate.  Dis- 
posed to  be  in  love  with  Miss  Handy. 

JACOB  BARNDOLLAR. — Son-in-law  of  Jesse  Ferret — of  the  firm 
of  Barndollar  &  Hardbottle,  Forwarding  and  Commission 
Merchants. 

ANTHONY  HARDBOTTLE. — Counterpart  in  said  Firm.  Elected 
President  of  the  bank  upon  the  resignation  of  Mr. 
Flam. 

ZACHARY  YOUNOHUSBAND. — Postmaster  of  Quodlibet,  Tin-plate 
worker,  and  member  of  the  Grand  Central  Com- 
mittee. 

(xxl) 


INTERLOCUTORS,    ACTORS,    ETC. 


THEODORE  FOG. — Attorney-at-Law.  At  one  time  Director  ot 
the  bank,  but  compelled  to  resign  on  account  of  his 
habits.  Independent  candidate  against  Agamemnon 
Flag — member  of  the  Legislature — a  distinguished  pop- 
ular orator,  and  original  founder  of  that  branch  of  the 
New  Lights  known  by  the  name  of  the  True  Grits. 

DR.  THOMAS  G.  WIXKELMAN. — Druggist,  and  soda-water  pa- 
vilion keeper,  physician  in  ordinary  to  the  True  Grits, 
and  a  man  of  great  influence  in  that  sect.  Coroner  of  the 
county,  contractor  for  the  supply  of  medicines  to  the 
Almshouse,  and  ready  to  take  any  other  office  which 
might  be  vacant. 

NIMROD  PORTER. — Bar-keeper  at  The  Hero,  fond  of  betting, 
famous  for  trotting  horses.  A  True  Grit,  but  well  in- 
clined to  the  Mandarins. 

ELIPHALET  Fox. — Formerly  editor  of  "The  Gabwrangle  Gri- 
malkin," but,  through  the  influence  of  Mr.  Flam,  trans- 
ferred to  "The  Quodlibet  Whole  Hog," — an  expectant 
of  the  Marshal's  place,  but  disappointed.  The  Orderly 
of  the. True  Grits. 

DABBS. — His  Compositor. 

NEAL  HOPPER. — The  Miller  in  Christy  M'Curdy's  mill. 

SAMUEL  PIVOT. — The  County  Assessor. 

THOMAS  CROP. — Constable  of  the  Borough  and  an  aspi- 
rant to  the  Sheriffalty. 

WILLIAM  GOODLACK. — Merchant  Tailor  and  seller  of 
ready-made  clothes.  - 

MAGNUS  MOREHEAD. — Shoemaker,  and  looking  to  be 
made  clerk  to  the  Marshal  in  place  of  Wash- 
ington Cutbush. 

SIMPSON  TRAVERS. — Keeper  of  the  Refectory  at  the 
lower  end  of  the  Canal  Basin,  and  expecting  to 
have  the  exclusive  supply  of  liquors  to  the  Re- 
cruiting Station. 

SANDY  BUTTERCROP. — Express  rider,  message  carrier, 
baggage  porter,  and  of  sundry  other  accidental 
occupations— promised  the  place  of  Corney  Dust, 
Marshal's  porter. 

FLAN  SUCKER. — A  distinguished  loafer,  a  great  admirer 
of  Theodore  Fog,  and  a  regular  attendant  on 
public  meetings. 

BEN  INKY,  ") 

JEFF  D  RINKER,    I  Friends  and  followers  of  Flan  Sucker. 

MOREM'NULTY,  ] 


INTERLOCUTORS,    ACTORS,    ETC.  xxiii 

FEROX  TIGERTAIL. — Marshal  of  the  district,  resident  in  Bick- 
erbray,  au  old  Federalist,  but  reformed  into  a  New- 
Light  Democrat:  choleric,  and  difficult  to  keep  in 
harness. 

WASHINGTON  CUTBUSH. — His  clerk,  suspected  of  having  an 
opinion  of  his  own  in  politics. 

COENEY  DUST. — His  porter,  charged  with  being  lukewarm,  and 
attending  to  nothing  but  his  office. 

VIRGIL  PHILPOT. — Editor  of  The  Bickerbray  Scrutinizer,  and 
an  out-and-out  friend  of  the  Hon.  Middleton  Flam. 

ABRAM  SCHOOLCRAFT. — Nurseryman  in  Bickerbray,  member  of 
the  Legislature. 

CURTIUS  SHORT. — Cheap  store-keeper  in  Tumbledown,  mem- 
ber of  the  Legislature. 

GALE  GOODFELLOW. — Sportsman,  Farobanker,  etc.,  of  Tumble- 
down, and  entirely  devoted  to  Theodore  Fog. 


WHIGS. 

MICHAEL  GRANT. — Formerly  a  tanner,  occupying  the  land  on 
which  Quodlibet  was  built.  Having  amassed  an  inde- 
pendence, he  has  retired  to  his  farm  at  the  foot  of  the 
Hogback,  where  he  lives,  surrounded  by  his  four  sons. 

ANDREW  GRANT. — His  youngest  son,  educated  to  the  engineer 
service,  but  preferring  to  be  at  home,  married  the 
daughter  of  Stephen  P.  Crabstock,  and  lives  near  the 
Hogback. 

ABEL  BRAWN. — A  substantial  blacksmith,  but  unfortunately  in- 
fected with  Whig  principles — a  matter  of  great  regret  to 
his  friends  among  the  New  Lights. 

DAVY  POST. — Wheelwright. 

GEOFFRY  WHEELER. — Teamster. 

PETER  OUNCE. — Keeper  of  the  Boatmen's  Hotel,  on  the  Canal. 

STEPHEN  P.  CRABSTOCK. — Iron  -master,  and  proprietor  of  the 
Hogback  Furnace — a  man  who  in  spite  of  his  adherence 
to  the  dangerous  doctrines  of  the  Whigs,  has  arisen 
from  poverty  to  wealth  by  his  own  exertions. 

AUGUSTUS  POSTLETHWAITE  TOMPKINSON. — Editor  of  The  Tho- 
rough Blue  Whole  Team — a  paper  characterized  by  its 
mendacity,  its  ferocity,  and  utter  disregard  of  the  feel- 
ings of  the  purest  New  Lights  in  the  nation.  A  bitter 
enemy  of  the  Hon.  Middleton  Flam,  and  having  the 
audacity  to  speak  lightly  of  the  President  of  the  United 
.  States. 

JOHN  SMITH.— A  gentleman  generally  known  throughout  the 
Union,  and  several  times  run  for  Congress. 


XXIV  INTERLOCUTORS,    ACTORS,    ETC. 

OF  DOUBTFUL  POLITICS. 

JESSE  FERRET.— Inn-keeper  and  proprietor  of  The  Hero— a  cau- 
tious man,  and  somewhat  afraid  of  his  wife. 

SAM  HARDESTY. — Carpenter,  so  much  under  the  weather  as  to 
have  had  no  time  to  make  up  his  mind,  notwithstanding 
Mr.  Flam's  generosity  toward  him. 

QUIPES. — House  and  sign,  plain  and  ornamental  painter,  glazier, 
and  artist  in  the  portrait  and  landscape  line. 

NICHOLAS  HARDUP. — Cattle  dealer,  a  borrower  of  money  from 
Mr.  Flam,  and,  strange  to  tell,  not  yet  satisfactorily  set- 
tled in  his  opinions. 

ISAIAH  CRAPE. — Undertaker  and  conductor  of  funerals — Cabinet 
and  furnishing  store-keeper. 

SERGEANT  TRAP. — On  the  recruiting  service  at  Quodlibet. 

His  DRUMMER. — A  short  and  ferocious  martialist. 

CHARLEY  MOGGS  — Boss  loafer  of  Bickerbray,  and  promoted  in 
the  army  as  Sergeant  Trap's  fifer. 

WOMEN. 

MRS.  MIDDLETON   FLAM. — Lady  of    our  member,  and   mother 

of  a  large  family. 

Miss  JANET  FLAM. — Sister  of  Mr.  Middleton. 
MADEMOISELLE  JONQUILLE. — French  Governess  to  the  Misses 

Flam. 
POLLY  FERRET. — Commander-in-chief  of  all  the  forces  of  The 

Hero. 

SUSAN  BARNDOLLAR. — Her  daughter,  wife  of  Barndollar  &  Hard- 
bottle,  and  remarkable  for  having  her  own  opinion. 
MRS.  YOUNGHUSBAND. — The  Postmaster's  lady. 
MRS.  SNUFFERS. — Lady  of  the  Superintendent  of  the  Hay  Scales, 

a  woman  of  great  consideration  in  the  Borough. 
HESTER  HARDBOTTLE.— Maiden  sister  to  Anthony  Hardbottle. 
MRS.  HANDY. — Lady  of  the  Cashier,  and  leader  of  the  fashion 

in  Quodlibet. 
HENRIETTA  HANDY. — Her   daughter — supposed  to  have  been 

favorably  impressed  by  Mr.  Agamemnon  Flag. 
MRS.  TROTTER. — Mrs.  Handy's  housekeeper. 


SERVANTS,  ETC. — Sam,  the  waiter;  William,  the  footman;  Nace, 
the  coachman ;  and  Sarah,  the  maid,  in  Mr.  Handy's  ser- 
vice. Black  Isaac,  Kent  bugle  player;  Yellow  Josh, 
clarionet — Cicero,  Neal  Hopper's  factotum.  Billy  Spike, 
Abel  Brawn's  fly-flapper,  etc.  etc. 


QUODLIBET. 


CHAPTER  I. 

ANTIQUITIES  OF  QUODLIBET — MICHAEL  GRANT'S  TANTARD  DESTROYED 
BY  THE  CANAL — CONSEQUENCES  OF  THIS  EVENT  —  TWO  DISTIN- 
GUISHED INDIVIDUALS  TAKE  UP  THEIR  RESIDENCE  IN  THE  BO- 
ROUGH  ESTABLISHMENT  OF  THE  PATRIOTIC  COPPERPLATE  BANK 

CIRCUMSTANCES  WHICH  LED  TO  AND  FOLLOWED  THAT  MEASURE — 
MICHAEL  GRANT'S  OBJECTIONS  TO  IT. 

IT  was  at  the  close  of  the  year  1833,  or  rather,  I 
should  say,  at  the  opening  of  the  following  spring, 
that  our  Borough  of  Quodlibet  took  that  sudden  leap  to 
greatness  which  has,  of  late,  caused  it  to  be  so  much 
talked  about.  Our  folks  are  accustomed  to  set  this 
down  to  the  Removal  of  the  Deposits.  Indeed,  until 
that  famous  event,  Quodlibet  was,  as  one  might  say 
in  common  parlance,  a  place  not  worth  talking  about 
— it  might  hardly  be  remarked  upon  the  maps.  But 
since  that  date,  verily,  like  Jeshurun,  it  has  waxed  fat. 
It  has  thus  come  to  pass  that  "The  Removal"  is  a 
great  epoch  in  our  annals — our  Hegira — the  A.  U.  C. 
of  all  Quodlibetarians. 

Michael  Grant,  a  long  time  ago — that  is  to  say, 
full  twenty  years — had  a  tanyard  on  Rumblebottom 
Creek,  occupying  the  very  ground  which  is  now  covered 
by  the  canal  basin.  Even  as  far  back  as -that  day  he 
had  laid  up,  out  of  the  earnings  of  his  trade,  a  snug 
3  (25) 


26  QUODLIBET. 

sum  of  money,  which  sufficed  to  purchase  the  farm 
where  he  now  lives  at  the  foot  of  the  Hogback.  Quod- 
libet,  or  that  which  now  is  Quodlibet,  was  then  as 
nothing.  Michael's  dwelling  house  and  tanyard,  Abel 
Brawn's  blacksmith-shop,  Christy  M'Curdy's  mill,  and 
my  school-house,  made  up  the  sum-total  of  the  settle- 
ment. It  is  now  ten  years,  or  hard  on  to  it,  since  the 
commissioners  came  this  way  and  put  the  cap-sheaf  on 
Michael's  worldly  fortune  by  ruining  his  tanyard  and 
breaking  up  his  business,  whereof  the  damage  was  so 
taken  to  heart  by  the  jury  that,  in  their  rage  against 
internal  improvements,  they  brought  in  a  verdict  which 
doubled  Mr.  Grant's  estate  in  ready  money,  besides 
leaving  him  two  acres  of  town  lots  bordering  on  the 
basin,  and  which,  they  say,  are  worth  more  to-day  than 
the  whole  tanyard  with  its  appurtenances  ever  was 
worth  in  its  best  time.  This  verdict  wrought  a  strange 
appetite  in  our  county,  among  the  landholders,  to  bo 
ruined  in  the  same  way;  and  I  truly  believe  it  was  a 
chief  cause  of  the  unpopularity  of  internal  improve- 
ments in  this  neighborhood,  that  the  commissioners 
were  only  able  to  destroy  the  farms  on  the  lowlands — 
which  fact,  it  was  said,  brought  down  the  'price  of  the 
uplands  on  the  whole  line  of  the  canal,  besides  creating 
a  great  deal  of  ill  humor  among  all  who  were  out  of 
the  way  of  being  damaged. 

With  the  money  which  this  verdict  brought  him,  Mr. 
Grant  improved  a  part  of  his  two  acres — which  he  was 
persuaded  to  cut  up  into  town  lots — by  building  the 
brick  tavern,  and  the  store  that  stands  next  door  to  it. 
These  were  the  first  buildings  of  any  note  in  Quodlibet, 
and  are  generally  supposed  to  have  given  rise  to  the 


QUODLIBET.  27 

incorporation  of  the  Borough  by  the  Legislature.  Jesse 
Ferret  took  a  lease  of  the  tavern  as  soon  as  it  was 
finished,  and  set  up  the  sign  of  "The  Hero" — meaning 
thereby  General  Jackson — which,  by-the-by,  was  the 
first  piece  of  historical  painting  that  the  celebrated 
Quipes  ever  attempted.  The  store  was  rented  by 
Frederick  Barndollar  for  his  son  Jacob,  who  was  just 
then  going  to  marry  Ferret's  daughter  Susan,  and  open 
in  the  Iron  and  Flour  Forwarding  and  Commission 
line,  in  company  with  Anthony  Hardbottle,  his  own 
brother-in-law. 

This  was  the  state  of  things  in  Quodlibet  five  years 
before  "The  Removal,"  from  which  period,  up  to  the 
date  of  the  Removal,  although  Barndollar  &  Hard- 
bottle  did  a  tolerable  business,  and  Ferret  had  a  fair 
run  of  custom,  there  were  not  above  a  dozen  new 
tenements  built  in  the  Borough.  But  a  bright  destiny 
was  yet  in  reserve  for  Quodlibet;  and  as  I  propose  to 
unfold  some  incidents  of  its  history  belonging  to  these 
later  times,  I  cannot  pretermit  the  opportunity  now- 
afforded  me  to  glance,  though  in  a  perfunctory  and 
hasty  fashion,  at  some  striking  events  which  seemed 
to  presignify  and  illustrate  its  marvelously  sudden 
growth. 

I  think  it  was  in  the  very  month  of  the  Removal  of 
the  Deposits,  that  Theodore  Fog  broke  up  at  Tumble- 
down, on  the  other  side  of  the  Hogback,  and  came 
over  to  Quodlibet  to  practice  law.  And  it  was  looked 
upon  as  a  very  notable  thing,  that,  in  the  course  of  the 
following  winter,  Nicodemus  Handy  should  have  also 
quitted  Tumbledown  and  brought  his  sign,  as  a  lottery 
agent,  to  Quodlibet,  and  set  up  that  business  in  our 


28  QUODLIBET. 

Borough.  There  was  a  wonderful  intimacy  struck  up 
between  him  and  Fog,  and  a  good  many  visits  were 
made  by  Nicodemus  during  the  fall,  before  he  came 
over  to  settle.  Our  people  marveled  at  this  matter, 
and  were  not  a  little  puzzled  to  make  out  the  meaning 
of  it,  knowing  that  Nicodemus  Handy  was  a  shrewd 
man,  and  not  likely,  without  some  good  reason  for  it, 
to  strike  up  a  friendship  with  a  person  so  little  given 
to  business  as  Theodore  Fog,  against  whom  I  desire  to 
say  nothing,  holding  his  abilities  in  great  respect,  but 
meaning  only  to  infer  that  as  Theodore  is  considered 
high-flown  in  his  speech,  and  rather  too  fond  of  living 
about  Ferret's  bar-room,  it  was  thought  strange  that 
Nicodemus,  who  is  plain  spoken,  and  of  the  Temper- 
ance principle,  should  have  taken  up  with  him.  It 
was  not  long  after  Mr.  Handy  had  seated  himself  in 
Quodlibet,  and  placed  his  sign  at  the  door  of  a  small 
weather-boarded  office,  ten  feet  by  twelve,  and  within 
a  stone- throw  of  Fog's,  before  the  public  were  favored 
with  an  insight  into  the  cause  of  this  intimacy  between 
these  two  friends.  This  was  disclosed  in  a  plan  for 
establishing  The  Patriotic  Copperplate  Bank  of  Quod- 
libet, the  particulars  whereof  were  made  known  at  a 
meeting  held  in  the  dining-room  of  "  The  Hero"  one 
evening  in  March,  when  Theodore  Fog  made  a  flowery 
speech  on  the  subject  to  ten  persons,  counting  Ferret 
and  Nim  Porter  the  bar-keeper.  The  capital  of  the 
bank  was  proposed  to  be  half  a  million,  and  the  stock 
one  hundred  dollars  a  share,  of  which  one  dollar  was 
to  be  paid  in,  and  the  remainder  to  be  secured  by  pro- 
missory notes,  payable  on  demand,  if  convenient. 
This  excellent  scheme  found  many  supporters ;  and, 


QUODLIBET.  29 

accordingly,  when  the  time  came  for  action,  the  whole 
amount  was  subscribed  by  Handy  and  Fog  and  ten  of 
their  particular  friends,  who  had  an  eye  to  being 
directors  and  officers  of  the  bank — to  whom  might 
also  be  added  about  thirty  boatmen,  who,  together 
with  the  boys  of  my  academy,  lent  their  names  to  Mr. 
Handy.  " 

Through  the  liberality  of  Fog,  the  necessary  cash 
was  supplied  out  of  three  hundred  dollars,  the  remains 
of  a  trust  fund  in  his  hands  belonging  to  a  family 
of  orphans  in  the  neighborhood  of  Tumbledown, 
who  had  not  yet  had  occasion  to  know  from  their  at- 
torney, the  said  Theodore  Fog  himself,  of  their  suc- 
cess in  a  cause  relating  to  this  fund  which  had  been 
gained  some  months  before.  As  Nicodemus  managed 
the  subscriptions,  which  indeed  he  did  with  wonderful 
skill,  these  three  hundred  dollars  went  a  great  way  in 
making  up  the  payments  on  considerably  more  than 
the  majority  of  the  stock :  and  this  being  adjusted,  he 
undertook  a  visit  to  the  Legislature,  where,  through  the 
disinterested  exertions  of  some  staunch  Democratic 
friends,  he  procured  a  most  unexceptionable  charter 
for  the  bank,  full  of  all  sorts  of  provisions,  conditions, 
and  clauses  necessary  to  enable  it  to  accommodate  the 
public  with  as  much  paper  money  as  the  said  public 
could  possibly  desire. 

In  consideration  of  these  great  services,  Nicodemus 
Handy  elected  himself  Cashier;  and,  at  the  same  time, 
had  well-nigh  fallen  into  a  quarrel  with  Fog,  who  had 
set  his  heart  upon  being  President — which,  in  view  of 
the  fact  that  that  gentleman's  habits  were  somewhat 
irregular  after  twelve  o'clock  in  the  day,  Nicodemus 


30  QUODLIBET. 

would  by  no  means  consent  to.  This  dissension,  how- 
ever, was  seemingly  healed,  by  bringing  in  as  President 
my  worshipful  pupil,  the  Hon.  Middleton  Flam,  now 
our  member  of  Congress,  and  by  making  Theodore 
one  of  the  directors,  besides  giving  him  the  law  busi- 
ness of  the  bank.  It  was  always  thought,  notwith- 
standing Fog  pretended  to  be  satisfied  at  the  time  with 
this  arrangement,  that  it  rankled  in  his  bosom,  and 
bred  a  jealousy  between  him  and  his  associates  in  the 
bank,  and  helped  to  drive  him  to  drinking  faster  than 
he  would  naturally  have  done,  if  his  feelings  had  not 
been  aggravated  by  this  act  of  supposed  ingratitude. 

I  should  not  omit  to  mention  that  Nicodemus  Handy 
was  a  man  of  exact  and  scrupulous  circumspection,  and 
noted  for  the  deliberation  with  which  he  weighed  the 
consequences  of  his  actions,  or,  as  the  common  saying 
is,  "looked  before  he  leapt" — a  remarkable  proof  of 
which  kind  of  wisdom  he  afforded  at  this  time.  Having 
been  compelled  by  circumstances  to  live  beyond  the 
avails  of  his  lottery  business,  and  thereby  to  bring 
himself  under  some  impracticable  liabilities,  he  made 
it  a  point  of  conscience,  before  he  could  permit  himself 
to  be  clothed  with  the  dignity  of  a  cashier,  or  even  to 
place  a  share  of  stock  in  his  own  name  on  the  books, 
to  swear  out  in  open  court,  and  to  surrender,  for  the 
benefit  of  his  numerous  and  patient  creditors,  his  whole 
stock  of  worldly  goods — consisting,  according  to  the 
inventory  thereof  on  record,  which  I  have  seen,  of  a 
cylindrical  sheet-iron  stove,  two  chairs,  a  desk  and  a 
sign-board,  this  latter  being,  as  I  remember,  of  the 
shape  of  a  screen,  on  each  leaf  of  which  "  NICODEMUS 
HANDY"  was  printed,  together  with  the  scheme  of  a 


QTTODLIBET.  31 

lottery,  set  forth  in  large  red  and  blue  letters.  He 
barely  retained  what  the  law  allowed  him,  being  his 
mere  wearing  apparel ;  to  wit,  a  bran  new  suit  of  black 
superfine  Saxony,  one  dozen  of  the  best  cambric  linen 
shirts,  as  many  lawn  pocket  handkerchiefs,  white  kid 
gloves,  and  such  other  trivial  but  gentlemanlike  appur- 
tenances as  denoted  that  extreme  neatness  of  dress  in 
which  Mr.  Handy  has  ever  taken  a  just  pride,  and 
which  has  been  so  often  remarked  by  his  friends  as  one 
of  the  strong  points  in  his  character.  These  articles, 
it  was  said,  he  had  procured  not  more  with  a  provident 
eye  to  that  state  of  destitution  into  which  the  generous 
surrender  of  his  property  was  about  to  plunge  him,  than 
with  a  decent  regard  to  the  respectability  of  appear- 
ance which  the  public,  he  conceived,  had  a  right  to 
exact  from  the  Cashier  of  the  Patriotic  Copperplate 
Bank  of  Quodlibet.  All  right-minded  persons  will 
naturally  commend  this  prudence,  and  applaud  Mr. 
Handy  'a  sense  of  the  dignity  proper  to  so  important 
and  elevated  a  station — a  station  which  Theodore  Fog, 
in  his  speech  at  "The  Hero,"  so  appropriately  eulo- 
gized as  one  "of  financial,  fiscal,  and  monetary  re- 
sponsibility." 

There  was  one  circumstance  connected  with  the 
history  of  the  establishment  of  the  bank  that  excited 
great  observation  among  our  folks :  that  was  the  dislike 
Michael  Grant  took  up  against  it  from  its  very  begin- 
ning. It  was  an  indiscriminate,  unmitigable,  dogged 
dislike  to  the  whole  concern,  which,  by  degrees,  brought 
him  into  a  bad  opinion  of  our  Borough,  and  I  verily 
believe  was  the  cause  why,  from  that  time  forward,  he 
kept  himself  so  much  at  his  farm  near  the  Hogback, 


32  QUODLIBET. 

and  grew  to  be,  as  if  it  were  out  of  mere  opposition, 
so  unhappily,  and  indeed  I  may  say,  so  perversely 
stubborn  in  those  iniquitous  Whig  sentiments  which  he 
was  in  the  habit  of  uttering.  I  have  heard  him  say 
that  he  thought  as  badly  as  a  man  could  think,  of  the 
grounds  for  starting  the  bank,  and  still  worse  of  the 
men  who  started  it, — which,  certainly,  was  a  very  rash 
expression,  considering  that  our  congressman,  the  Hon. 
Middleton  Flam,  was  President  and  one  of  the  first 
patrons  of  the  institution,  and  that  such  a  man  as 
Nicodemus  Handy  was  Cashier;  to  say  nothing  of 
Theodore  Fog,  whose  habits,  we  are  willing  to  confess, 
might,  in  the  estimation  of  some  men,  give  sonic  little 
color  to  my  worthy  friend's  vituperation. 

Now,  there  was  no  man  in  Quodlibet  whom  Handy 
and  Fog  so  much  desired,  or  strove  so  hard,  to  bring 
into  the  bank  scheme  as  Mr.  Grant.  They  made  every 
sort  of  effort  and  used  all  kinds  of  arguments  to  entice 
him.  Nicodemus  Handy  on  one  occasion,  I  think  it 
was  in  April,  put  the  matter  to  him  in  such  strong 
points  of  view,  that  I  have  often  marveled  since  how 
the  good  gentleman  stood  it.  He  argued,  with  amazing 
cogency,  that  General  Jackson  had  removed  the  de- 
posits for  the  express  purpose  of  destroying  the  Bank 
of  the  United  States,  and  giving  the  State  banks  a 
fair  field:  that  the  Old  Hero  was  an  enthusiastic  friend 
to  State  rights,  and  especially  to  State  banks,  which  it 
was  the  desire  of  his  heart  to  see  increased  and  multi- 
plied all  over  the  country;  that  he  was  actually,  as  it 
were,  making  pets  out  of  these  banks,  and  was  deter- 
mined to  feed  them  up  with  the  public  moneys  and 
give  them  such  a  credit  in  the  land  as  would  forever 


QUODLIBET.  33 

shut  out  all  hope  to  the  friends  of  a  National  Bank  to 
succeed  with  their  purpose :  and,  finally,  that  although 
Clay  and  the  Whigs  were  endeavoring  to  resist  the 
General  in  his  determination  to  establish  new  banks  in 
the  States,  that  resistance  was  already  considered  hope- 
less. It  was  with  a  visible  air  of  triumph  that  Mr. 
Handy,  in  confirmation  of  this  opinion,  read  from  the 
Globe  of  the  21st  of  December  previous  these  words: — 

"  The  intelligent  people  of  the  West  know  how  to 
maintain  their  rights  and  independence,  and  to  repel 
oppression.  Although  foiled  in  the  beginning,  every 
Western  State  is  about  to  establish  a  State  bank  institu- 
tion. They  are  resolved  to  avail  themselves  of  their 
own  State  credit,  as  well  as  of  the  National  credit,  to 
maintain  a  currency  independent  of  foreign  control. 
Mr.  Clay's  presses  in  Kentucky  begin  now  to  feel  how 
vain  are  all  their  efforts  to  resist  the  determination  of 
the  people  of  the  West.  Ohio,  Indiana,  Illinois,  Mis- 
souri, and  Kentucky  are  resolved  to  take  eare  of  them- 
selves, and  no  longer  depend  on  the  kind  guardianship 
of  Biddle,  Clay  &  Co." 

Having  laid  this  fact  before  Mr.  Grant,  by  way  of 
clinching  the  argument  Mr.  Handy  pulled  out  of  his 
pocket  a  letter  which  he  had  just  received  from  the 
Secretary  of  the  Treasury.  It  contained  a  communi- 
cation of  the  deepest  import  to  the  future  fortunes  of 
our  Borough ;  which  communication,  as  I  have  been 
favored  by  Mr.  Handy  with  a  copy,  I  feel  happy  to 
transcribe  here  for  the  edification  of  my  reader.  It  is 
a  circular,  and  came  to  our  cashier  printed  on  gilt- 


34  QUODLIBET. 

edged  letter-paper,  having  the  title  of  the  bank,  the 
date,  and  some  other  items  filled  up  in  writing. 

"  TREASURY  DEPARTMENT,  April  1,  1834. 

"SiR:— The  Patriotic  Copperplate  Bank  of  Quod- 
libet  has  been  selected  by  this  Department  as  the 
depository  of  the  public  money  collected  in  Quodlibet 
and  its  vicinity;  and  the  Marshal  will  hand  you  the 
form  of  a  contract  proposed  to  be  executed,  with  a 
copy  of  his  instructions  from  this  Department.  In 
selecting  your  institution  as  one  of  the  fiscal  agents  of 
the  government,  I  not  only  rely  on  its  solidity  and 
established  character,  as  affording  a  sufiicient  guarantee 
for  the  safety  of  the  public  money  intrusted  to  its 
keeping,  but  I  confide  also  in  its  disposition  to  adopt 
the  most  liberal  course  which  circumstances  will  admit 
toward  other  moneyed  institutions  generally,  and  par- 
ticularly those  in  your  vicinity.  The  deposits  of  the 
public  money  will  enable  you  to  afford  increased  facili- 
ties to  commerce,  and  to  extend  your  accommodations 
to  individuals;  and  as  the  duties  which  are  payable  to 
the  government  arise  from  the  business  and  enterprise 
of  the  merchants  engaged  in  foreign  trade,  it  is  but 
reasonable  that  they  should  be  preferred  in  the  addi- 
tional accommodations  which  the  public  deposits  will 
enable  your  institution  to  give,  whenever  it  can  be  done 
without  injustice  to  the  claims  of  other  classes  of  the 
community. 

"lam,  etc.,  R.  B.  TANEY, 

"Secretary  of  the  Treasury. 
"To  the  President  of  the  Patriotic  Copperplate 
Sank  of  Quodlibet." 


QUODLIBET.  35 

"There,  sir,"  said  Mr.  Handy,  after  he  had  read 
this  paper  to  Mr.  Grant — "read  that  over  again  and 
tell  me  if  there  is  any  Quodlibetarian  that  ought  not 
to  rejoice  in  this  great  event,  and  lend  his  endeavors, 
with  both  heart  and  soul,  to  promote  and  sustain  an  in- 
stitution so  favored  by  the  government.  The  Secretary, 
you  perceive,  has  confidence  in  the  '  solidity  and  estab- 
lished character'  of  our  bank — how  can  you  refuse 
your  confidence  after  that  ?  Sir,  the  Secretary  is  an 
honor  to  the  Democracy  of  Quodlibet : — what  does  he 
say  ?  Does  he  tell  us  to  keep  the  public  moneys 
locked  up  only  for  the  selfish  purposes  of  the  govern- 
ment ?  Oh  no:  far  from  it;  'the  deposits'  says  he, 
'will  enable  you  to  afford  increased  facilities  to  com- 
merce, and  to  extend  your  accommodations  to  indi- 
viduals.' Mark  that !  there's  a  President  and  Secre- 
tary for  you  !  True  friends,  Mr.  Grant — true  friends 
to  the  people.  How  careful  are  they  of  our  great 
mercantile  and  trading  classes !  Sir,  the  government 
cannot  do  too  much  for  such  people  as  we  are — that's 
the  true  Democratic  motto — we  expect  a  great  deal — 
but  they  outrun  our  expectations.  No  more  low  prices 
for  grain,  Mr.  Grant — no  more  scarcity  of  money: — 
accommodation  is  the  word — better  currency  is  the 
word — high  prices,  good  wages  and  plenty  of  work  is 
the  word  now-a-days.  We  shall  have  a  city  here  before 
you  can  cleverly  turn  yourself  round.  Depend  upon 
it,  sir,  we  are  destined  to  become  a  great,  glorious,  and 
immortal  people." 

"  Sir,"  said  Theodore  Fog,  interposing  at  this  mo- 
ment, with  a  look  that  wore  a  compound  expression  of 
thoughtful  sternness  and  poetical  frenzy — "when  the 


36  QUODLIBET. 

historic  muse  shall  hereafter  contemplate  the  humble 
origin  of  Quodlibet " 

"Fog,"  interrupted  Nicodemus,  somewhat  petulantly 
— and  I  feel  sorry  to  be  obliged  to  record  this  incon- 
siderate language — "  Blame  the  historic  muse  ! — we 
are  now  on  business." 

"As  a  director,  sir,"  replied  Fog,  with  a  subdued 
air,  but  with  a  dignified  gravity,  "I  have  a  right  to 
speak.  I  meant  to  say,  sir,  in  plain  phrase,  that 
Quodlibet  must  inevitably,  from  this  day  forth,  under 
the  proud  auspices  of  democratic  principles — obedient 
to  that  native  impulse  which  the  profound  statesman- 
ship of  this  people-sustaining  and  people-sustained 
administration  has  imparted  to  it,  soar  aloft  to  place 
herself  upon  the  proud  pinnacle  of  commercial  pros- 
perity, wealth,  and  power.  I  have  no  doubt,  Mr. 
Grant,  your  tavern  lot  will  increase  to  three  times  its 
present  value.  You  ought  to  take  stock ; — let  me  tell 
you,  sir,  as  a  citizen  of  Quodlibet,  you  ought.  As  to 
the  cash,  that's  a  bagatelle.  Handy  and  I  can  let  you 
have  any  number  of  shares  on  your  own  terms.  Flam 
will  do  anything  we  say  to  let  you  in.  By-the-by,  he 
got  us  the  deposits.  Flam's  a  man  of  influence — but 
whether  on  the  whole  he  will  make  us  the  best  Presi- 
dent we  could  have  procured,  is  perhaps  somewhat 
apocryphal." 

"You  cannot  fail  to  see,"  said  Mr.  Handy,  "that 
we  must  all  make  our  fortunes,  if  the  government  is 
only  true  to  its  word;  and  who  can  doubt  it  will  be 
true  ?  We  start  comparatively  with  nothing,  I  may 
say,  speaking  of  myself — absolutely  with  nothing.  We 
shall  make  a  large  issue  of  paper,  predicated  upon  the 


QUODLIBET.  37 

deposits;  we  shall  accommodate  everybody,  as  the 
Secretary  desires — of  course,  not  forgetting  our  friends, 
and  more  particularly  ourselves : — we  shall  pay,  in  this 
way,  our  stock  purchases.  You  may  run  up  a  square 
of  warehouses  on  the  Basin ;  I  will  join  you  as  a  part- 
ner in  the  transaction,  give  you  the  plan  of  operations, 
furnish  architectural  models,  supply  the  funds,  et  cetera, 
et  cetera.  We  will  sell  out  the  buildings  at  a  hundred 
per  cent,  advance  before  they  are  finished;  Fog  here 
will  be  the  purchaser.  We  have  then  only  to  advertise 
in  the  papers  this  extraordinary  rise  of  property  in 
Quodlibet — procure  a  map  to  be  made  of  our  new  city ; 
get  it  lithographed,  and  immediately  sell  the  lots  on 
the  Exchange  of  New  York  at  a  most  unprecedented 
valuation.  My  dear  sir,  I  have  just  bought  a  hundred 
acres  of  land  adjoining  the  Borough,  with  an  eye  to 
this  very  speculation.  You  shall  have  an  interest  of 
one-half  in  this  operation  at  a  reasonable  valuation — I 
shall  want  but  a  small  profit,  say  two  hundred  per  cent. 
— a  mere  trifle — in  consideration  of  my  labors  in  lay- 
ing it  off  into  streets,  lanes,  and  alleys ; — and  if  there 
is  any  convenience  in  it  to  you — although  I  know  you 
are  a  moneyed  man — you  have  only  to  make  a  proposal 
for  a  slice  of  accommodation — just  drop  a  note  now 
and  then  into  the  discount  box.  You  understand.  The 
Secretary  will  be  delighted,  my  dear  sir,  to  hear  of  our 
giving  an  accommodation  to  you.  But  there's  one 
thing,  Mr.  Grant,  I  must  not  forget  to  remark — the 
Secretary,  in  fact,  makes  it  a  sort  of  sine  qua  non — 
you  must  come  out  a  genuine — declare  yourself  a 
Whole  Hog — and  go  for  Flam  in  the  fall  elections. 
The  Secretary  expects,  you  know,"  and  as  he  said 
4 


38  QUQDLIBET. 

this  he  laid  his  finger  significantly  upon  his  nose, 
"that  the  accommodation  principle — is  to  be  measur- 
ably— extended — in  proportion  to  the — Democracy — 
of  the  applicants.  You  understand? — a  word  to  the 
wise — that's  all.  It  couldn't  be  expected,  you  per- 
ceive, that  we,  holding  the  deposits,  should  be  quite  as 
favorable  to  the  Whigs,  who  rather  charge  us  with  ex- 
perimenting on  the  currency — you  know — and  who,  in 
fact,  don't  scruple  to  say  that  our  banking  system  will 
be  a  failure — it  couldn't  be  expected  we  should  be  as 
bountiful  to  them  as  to  those  who  go  with  us  in  build- 
ing up  this  concatenation — tweedle  dum  and  tweedle 
dee,  you  know,  betwixt  you  and  me; — but  it's  made  a 
point  of — and  has  its  effect  on  ulterior  expectations — 
you  understand.  The  long  and  the  short  is,  without 
being  mealy-mouthed,  we  must  prefer  the  old  Hero's 
friends; — but,  after  all,  that's  a  small  matter: — be  a 
Democrat,  and  go  for  Flam  !" 

"Flam  and  the  immutable  principles  of  civil  liberty !" 
said  Fog,  with  great  animation.  "Middleton  Flam,  the 
embodiment  and  personification  of  those  deep  and  pro- 
found truths,  based  upon  the  eternal  distinctions  of  the 
greatest  good  to  the  greatest  number !  Diffusive  wealth, 
combined  capital,  increased  facilities  to  commerce,  and 
accommodation  to  individuals — there  is  the  multum  in 
parvo  of  General  Jackson's  Democratic  creed ! — there 
is  the  glorious  consummation  of  the  war  with  the  great 
money  power,  which,  like  Juggernaut,  was  crushing 
down  the  liberties  of  our  Republic!" 

Michael  Grant  was  a  patient  listener,  and  a  man  of 
few  words.  He  stood  all  the  time  that  Fog  and  Handy 
were  plying  him  with  this  discourse,  with  his  thumbs 


QUODLIBET.  39 

in  his  waistcoat  pockets,  looking  down,  with  a  grum 
cogitation,  at  his  own  image  in  the  water  of  the  basin, 
on  the  margin  of  which  the  parties  had  met,  and  every 
now  and  then  rocking  on  his  heels  and  flapping  the 
soles  of  his  feet  sharply  on  the  ground,  denoting,  by 
this  movement,  to  those  who  knew  his  habit,  that  he 
was  growing  more  and  more  positive  in  his  opinion. 
Once  or  twice  he  was  observed  to  raise  his  head,  and 
with  one  eye  half  shut,  seemed  as  if  studying  the 
heavens.  At  length  he  broke  out  with  an  answer 
which,  from  the  vehemence  of  his  tone,  caused  Handy 
and  Fog  to  prick  up  their  ears,  and  gaze  upon  each 
other  with  a  look  of  incredulous  surprise. 

"Your  bank,  gentlemen,"  said  he,  "is  a  humbug. 
Your  speculation  in  lots,  your  accommodations  and  the 
fortunes  you  are  going  to  make,  are  humbugs.  Flam 
and  the  immutable  principles  of  civil  liberty  are  hum- 
bugs, and  the  greatest  humbug  of  all  is  your  Democ- 
racy." 

With  these  very  rash  anel  inconsiderate  words,  Mr. 
Grant  turned  on  his  heel  and  walked  away,  leaving 
Handy  and  Fog  looking  significantly  at  each  other. 
From  that  time  Mr.  Grant  was  generally  considered  an 
enemy  to  our  bank,  and,  as  far  as  I  can  learn,  never 
had  any  dealings  with  it. 

Mr.  Handy  set  up  a  dry  laugh  as  soon  as  Mr.  Grant 
was  out  of  sight,  and  laughed  on  for  some  moments. 
At  last  he  said,  somewhat  mysteriously,  and  with  a 
great  deal  of  deliberation — 

"Fog,  it's  my  opinion  that  the  old  tanner  has  cut 
his  eye  teeth; — what  do  you  think  of  him?" 

"He  labors,"  replied  Fog,  "under  a  sinistrous  and 


40  QUODLIBET. 

defective  obliquity  of  comprehension;  and  from  all  I 
can  make  out  of  this  colloquy,  I  rather  incline  to  the 
opinion  that  he  is  not  very  willing  to  embark  largely 
in  our  stock."  And  saying  this,  Fog  folded  his  arms 
and  looked  steadfastly  in  Mr.  Handy's  face. 

"Nor,  as  I  should  judge,"  said  Handy  in  a  kind  of 
whisper,  "is  he  likely  to  join  me  in  my  speculation  in 
town  lots.  Fog,  don't  forget,  you  will  indorse  my  note 
for  the  purchase-money  of  that  hundred  acres — I  shall 
discount  it  to-morrow — I  like  to  pay  cash — that  was 
always  my  principle." 

"  Undoubtedly — consider  me  a  sure  card  in  that 
line,"  replied  Fog: — "it  is  understood,  of  course,  that 
you  reciprocate  the  favor  on  my  purchase  of  the 
meadow?" 

"Without  question — assuredly,  Fog — one  good  turn 
deserves  another." 

"Then,  let's  go  up  and  take  a  drink,"  said  Fog, 
imitating  the  tone  of  a  tragedy-player — "we'll  call  it 
twelve,  although  my  dial  points  but  half  way  from 
eleven." 

"You  know  I  never  drink,"  quoth  Handy. 

"  Then  come  and  look  on  me  while  I  that  act  per- 
form," said  Theodore. 

"Agreed,"  said  Nicodemus.  And  thereupon  these 
trusty  friends  went  straight  to  Nim  Porter's  bar. 


QUODLIBET.  41 


CHAPTER  II. 

GREAT    USEFULNESS    OF    THE    BANK — SURPRISING    GROWTH    OF    QUOD- 
LIBET— SOME  ACCOUNT  OF  THE    HON.  MIDDLETON   FLAM ORIGIN    OF 

HIS      DEMOCRACY — HIS      LOGICAL    ARGUMENT     IN     FAVOR    OF    THE 

POCKETING    OF    THE    BILL    TO    REPEAL    THE    SPECIE  CIRCULAR THE 

DEMOCRATIC    PRINCIPLE    AS    DEVELOPED    IN    THE    REPRESENTATIVE 
SYSTEM. 

IN  the  course  of  the  first  year  after  The  Removal, 
or  as  I  should  say,  in  the  year  One — speaking  after 
our  manner  in  Quodlibet — the  bank  made  itself  very 
agreeable  to  everybody.  Mr.  Flam  came  home  from 
Congress  after  the  end  of  the  long  session,  and  found 
everything  prospering  beyond  his  most  sanguine  ex- 
pectations. Nicodemus  Handy  had  put  a  new  weather- 
boarded  room  to  the  back  of  his  office  for  the  use  of 
the  Directors,  and  the  banking  business  was  transacted 
in  the  front  apartment  where  Nicodemus  used  to  sell 
lottery  tickets.  There  was  one  thing  that  strangers 
visiting  Quodlibet  were  accustomed  to  remark  upon  in 
a  jocular  vein,  regarding  the  bank — and  that  was  the 
sign  which  was  placed,  as  it  were  parapet-wise,  along 
the  eaves  of  the  roof,  and  being  of  greater  longitude 
than  the  front  of  the  building,  projected  considerably 
at  either  end.  Quipes  has  been  held  responsible  for 
this,  but  I  know  that  he  could  not  help  it,  on  account 
of  the  length  of  the  name,  which,  nevertheless,  it  is 
due  to  him  to  say  he  endeavored,  very  much  to  my 
4* 


42  QUODLIBET. 

discontent,  to  shorten,  both  by  orthographical  device 
and  by  abbreviation,  having  painted  it  thus — 

THE    PATRIOTI0   COPERPLATE    BANK   OF   QuODLIbet; 

notwithstanding  which,  it  overran  the  dimensions  of 
the  tenement  to  which  it  was  attached.  I  say  strangers 
sometimes  facetiously  alluded  to  this  discrepancy,  by 
observing  that  the  bank  was  like  the  old  Hero  himself, 
too  great  for  the  frame  that  contained  it.  And,  truly, 
the  bank  did  a  great  business !  Mr.  Handy,  who  is 
acknowledged  to  be  a  man  of  taste,  procured  one  of 
the  handsomest  plates,  it  is  supposed,  that  Murray, 
Draper  &  Fairman  ever  executed,  and  with  about  six 
bales  of  pinkish  silk  paper,  and  a  very  superior  cylin- 
der press,  created  an  amount  of  capital  which  soon  put 
to  rest  old  Mr.  Grant's  grumbling  about  the  want  of 
solidity  in  the  bank,  and  fully  justified  the  Secretary's 
declaration  of  his  confidence  in  its  "established  char- 
acter as  affording  a  suificient  guarantee  for  the  safety 
of  the  public  money  intrusted  to  its  keeping." 

As  a  proof  how  admirably  matters  were  conducted 
by  Mr.  Handy,  the  Directors  soon  found  no  other  rea- 
son to  attend  at  the  Board  than  now  and  then  to  hold 
a  chat  upon  politics  and  smoke  a  cigar;  and  the  Presi- 
dent, the  Hon.  Middleton  Flam,  having  his  October 
election  on  hand,  was  so  thoroughly  convinced  of 
Nicodemus's  ability,  that  I  do  not  believe  he  went  into 
the  bank  more  than  half  a  dozen  times  during  the 
whole  season. 

It  was  in  the  course  of  this  year,  and  pretty  soon 
after  the  bank  got  the  deposits,  that  Mr.  Handy  began 
his  row  of  four  story  brick  warehouses  on  the  Basin, 


QUODLIBET.  43 

which  now  goes  by  the  name  of  Nicodemus  Row.  He 
also  laid  the  foundation  of  his  mansion  on  the  hill, 
fronting  upon  Handy  Place ;  and  which  edifice  he  sub- 
sequently finished,  so  much  to  the  adornment  of  our 
Borough,  with  a  Grecian  portico  in  front,  and  an 
Italian  veranda  looking  toward  the  garden.  As  his 
improvements  advanced  in  this  and  the  next  year,  he 
successively  reared  a  Temple  of  Minerva  on  the  top 
of  the  ice-house,  a  statue  of  Apollo  in  the  center  of 
the  carriage-circle,  a  sun-dial  on  a  marble  pillar  where 
the  garden  walks  intersect,  and  a  gilded  dragon  weather- 
cock on  the  cupola  of  the  stables.  The  new  banking 
house  was  commenced  early  in  the  summer,  and  has 
been  finished  of  very  beautiful  granite,  being  in  its 
front,  if  I  am  rightly  informed  by  Mr.  Handy,  an 
exact  miniature  copy  of  the  Tomb  of  Osymandias:  it 
is  situated  on  Flam  Street,  the  first  after  you  leave  the 
Basin,  going  northward.  All  the  Directors,  except 
Fog,  followed  the  footsteps  of  their  illustrious  prede- 
cessor, Mr.  Handy,  and  went  to  work  to  build  them- 
selves villas  on  the  elevated  ground  back  of  the  Borough, 
now  known  by  the  name  of  Copperplate  Ridge, — which 
villas  were  duly  completed  in  all  manner  of  Greek, 
Roman,  and  Tuscan  fashions.  These  being  likewise 
imitated,  in  turn,  by  many  friends  of  the  bank  who 
migrated  hither  from  all  parts  and  cast  their  lines  in 
our  Borough,  Quodlibet  hath  thereby,  very  suddenly, 
grown  to  be,  in  a  figurative  sense,  a  pattern  card  of 
the  daintiest  structures  of  the  four  quarters  of  the 
world.  Perhaps  I  may  be  too  fast  in  making  so  broad 
an  assertion — cupio  non  putari  mendacem — I  am  not 
quite  sure  that,  as  yet,  we  have  any  well  ascertained 


44  QtJODLIBET. 

specimen  of  the  Asiatic :  but  if  Nicodemus  Handy's 
pagoda,  which  he  talked  of  building  on  the  knoll  in 
the  center  of  his  training  course,  had  not  been  inter- 
rupted by  an  untoward  event,  of  which  it  may  become 
my  duty  to  speak  hereafter,  I  should,  in  that  case, 
have  made  no  difficulty  in  reiterating,  with  a  clear  con- 
science and  without  reservation,  the  remark  which  dis- 
trustfully and  with  claim  of  allowance  I  have  ventured 
above. 

My  valuable  patron  not  being  resident  actually 
within  the  Borough,  and  being,  as  I  have  said,  very 
busy  in  the  matter  of  his  election  during  the  greater 
part  of  the  first  year  of  the  bank,  had  not  much  op- 
portunity to  devote  himself  to  its  concerns.  But  the 
Directors,  partly  aware  of  their  own  knowledge,  how 
valuable  Was  his  influence  with  the  Secretary,  and 
partly  persuaded  thereof  by  the  Cashier,  established, 
with  a  liberality  which  Mr.  Handy  remarked  at  the 
time  was  exceedingly  gentlemanlike,  his  salary  as 
President  at  three  thousand  dollars  a  year — which 
sum,  Mr.  Flam  himself  has,  more  than  once  in  my 
hearing,  averred  upon  his  honor,  he  did  not  consider 
one  cent  too  much.  And  indeed,  I  feel  myself  bound 
to  express  my  concurrence  in  this  opinion,  when  I 
reflect  upon  the  weight  of  his  character,  the  antiquity 
of  his  family,  the  preponderance  of  his  strong  Demo- 
cratic sentiments,  and  the  expenses  to  which,  as  Presi- 
dent, he  was  exposed  in  looking  after  the  interests  of 
the  bank — more  especially  in  the  journeys  to  Wash- 
ington, whereof  I  have  heard  him  speak,  for  the  pur- 
pose of  explaining  matters  to  the  Secretary. 

Connected  with  this  matter  of  salary,  and  as  having 


QUODLIBET.  45 

a  natural  propinquity  to  the  subject,  I  may  here  cur- 
sorily, for  I  design  to  be  more  particular  on  this  point 
hereafter,  claim  the  privilege  to  enter  a  little  into  the 
family  matters  of  my  patron.  And  on  this  head,  I 
would  observe  that  the  household  of  Mr.  Flam  is  large. 
Of  a  truth,  as  some  philosopher  has  remarked^  mouths 
are  not  fed,  nor  bodies  clad,  without  considerable  of 
the  wherewithal !  There  is  Mrs.  Flam,  the  venerated 
consort  of  our  representative — a  lady  most  honorably 
conducive  to  the  multiplication  of  the  strength  and 
glory  of  this  land ;  there  is,  likewise,  Mr.  Flam's  sister 
Janet — truly  an  honor  to  her  sex  for  instructive  dis- 
course and  exemplary  life ;  and  there  is  Master  Mid- 
dleton,  Junior,  with  his  four  sisters  and  three  brothers, 
who  may  be  all  ranged  into  the  semblance  of  a  step- 
ladder.  Great  is  Mr.  Flam's  parental  tenderness 
toward  this  happy  progeny — the  reduplication  and 
retriplication,  if  I  may  so  express  it,  of  himself  and 
their  respectable  mamma.  Yielding  to  the  solicitude 
inspired  by  this  tenderness,  almost  the  first  thing 
which  our  representative  did,  after  the  establishment 
of  the  bank — the  means  having  thereby  .come  .the 
better  to  his  hand — was  to  send  Master  Middleton, 
Junior,  who  was  very  urgent  in  his  entreaties  to  that 
point,  to  Europe,  that  the  young  gentleman,  by  two  or 
three  years  travel,  might  witness  the  distresses  and 
oppressions  of  monarchical  government,  and  become 
confirmed  in  his  democratic  sentiments.  A  refinement 
of  sensibility  in  Mr.  Flam,  which  I  might  almost  de- 
nominate fastidious,  has  also  operated  with  him  to 
require  the  education  of  his  daughters  to  be  conducted 
under  his  own  roof.  He  would  never  hear,  for  one 


46  QUODLIBET. 

moment,  any  persuasion  to  trust  them,  even  at  their 
earliest  age,  in  the  public  school — considerately  fearful 
lest  they  might  form  intimacies  unbecoming  the  station 
to  which  he  destined  them  in  after-life.  They  have 
consequently  been  placed  under  the  special  tuition  of  a 
most  estimable  lady,  Mademoiselle  Jonquille,  a  resident 
governess,  who  is  enjoined  to  speak  to  them  nothing 
but  French.  This  lady,  among  other  things,  teaches 
them  music,  and  is  aided  in  the  arduous  duties  allotted 
to  her  by  a  drawing-master  of  acknowledged  ability  in 
water-colors,  and  a  very  superior  professor  of  dancing, 
who  instructs  them  in  the  elegant  accomplishment  of 
waltzing  and  galloping,  which,  Mr.  Flam  says,  is  now- 
a-days  held  to  be  indispensable  in  the  first  Democratic 
circles  at  Washington,  where  it  has  always  been  his 
design  to  introduce  the  young  ladies  into  high  life. 

It  will  not  be  out  of  place  here  to  mention  that  the 
worthy  subject  of  this  desultory  memoir,  my  patron 
and  former  pupil,  inherited  a  large  fortune  from  his 
father,  the  late  Judge  Flam,  who  was  especially  honored 
by  old  John  Adams,  or,  as  the  better  phrase  is,  the 
elder  Adams,  with  an  appointment  to  the  bench  on  the 
night  of  the  third  of  March,  Anno  Domini  1801 ;  and 
I  have  often  heard  Mr.  Middleton  say  that  his  father 
had,  up  to  the  day  of  his  lamented  departure  from  this 
world,  which  melancholy  event  happened  in  the  year 
of  our  Lord  1825,  the  greatest  respect  for  General 
Jackson ;  which  liking  for  the  Old  Hero  descended  to 
his  son,  along  with  the  family  estate,  and  serves  satis- 
factorily to  account  for  my  former  pupil's  ardent 
attachment  to  Democratic  principles,  as  in  the  sequel  I 
shall  make  appear. 


QUODL1BET.  47 

I  do  not  desire  to  conceal  the  fact  that  Judge  Flam, 
and  even  Mr.  Middleton  himself,  for  some  years  after 
he  came  to  man's  estate,  were  both  reputed  to  belong 
to  what  was  generally,  at  that  time,  denominated  and 
known  by  the  appellation  of  the  Old  Federal  party, 
and  what,  in  common  parlance,  has  been  sometimes 
scoffingly  termed  The  Black  Cockade;  and  that  the 
Judge,  who  was  always  noted  for  being  very  stiff  in 
his  opinions,  maintained  his  connection  nominally  with 
that  party  until  the  day  of  his  death.  I  mention  this 
not  in  derogation  of  Mr.  Middleton  our  representative, 
but  rather  in  the  way  of  commendation,  because  I  am 
by  this  fact  the  more  strongly  confirmed  in  my  admira- 
tion of  the  greatness  of  his  character — seeing  that  his 
conversion  to  Democracy  is  the  pure  result  of  reflection 
and  conviction,  which  is  more  laudable,  in  my  humble 
thinking,  than  to  be  "a  born  veteran  Democrat,"  as  I 
once  heard  a  great  man  boast  himself. 

Now  this  conversion  being  a  notable  matter,  I  can 
by  no  means  pretermit  a  veritable  account  of  it,  which 
happens  to  be  fully  within  my  power  to  disclose,  I  being, 
as  I  may  say,  a  witness  to  the  whole  course  of  it. 

Everybody  remembers  that  most  signal  of  all  the 
literary  productions  of  General  Jackson's  various  and 
illustrious  pen,  his  letter  to  Mr.  Monroe,  dated  the  12th 
of  November,  Anno  Domini  1816.  It  came — in  the 
language  of  my  venerated  friend,  Judge  Flam — like 
the  sound  of  a  trumpet  upon  the  ears  of  all  of  the  Old 
Federalists.  "Now  is  the  time,"  says  General  Jack- 
son, in  that  immortal  letter,  which  I  transcribed,  as 
soon  as  I  saw  it  in  print,  into  my  book  of  memorable 
things,  and  which  I  now  quote  verbatim  et  literatim : — 


48  QUODLIBET. 

"Now  is  the  time  to  exterminate  that  monster  called 
Party  Spirit.  By  selecting  characters  most  conspicuous 
for  their  probity,  virtue,  capacity,  and  firmness,  without  any 
regard  to  party,  you  will  go  far  to,  if  not  entirely,  eradicate 
those  feelings  which,  on  former  occasions,  threw  so  many 
obstacles  in  the  way,  and  perhaps  have  the  pleasure  and 
honor  of  uniting  a  people  heretofore  politically  divided. 
The  Chief  Magistrate  of  a  great  and  powerful  nation 
should  never  indulge  in  party  feelings.  His  conduct 
should  be  liberal  and  disinterested,  always  bearing  in  mind 
that  he  acts  for  the  whole,  and  not  a  part  of  the  com- 
munity." 

This  letter  of  the  last  of  the  Romans  was  published  in 
the  National  Intelligencer,  and  I  happened  to  be  with 
Judge  Flam  when  it  first  met  his  eye.  He  was  sipping 
his  tea.  The  venerable  Judge  read  it  twice;  took  up 
the  cup,  and,  in  a  musing,  thoughtful  mood,  burnt  his 
mouth  with  the  hot  liquid  so  badly  that  he  was  obliged 
to  call  for  cold  water. — Just  at  that  moment,  Middle- 
ton,  his  son,  came  into  the  parlor:  he  had  been  out 
shooting  partridges. 

"My  dear  Middleton,"  read  that,"  said  the  Judge. 

Middleton  sat  down  and  read  it;  and  then  looked 
intently  at  his  father,  waiting  to  hear  what  he  would 
say. 

"Middleton,  my  son,"  said  he  in  a  very  deliberate 
and  emphatic  manner,  "There's  our  man.  General 
Jackson  has  been  called  a  Hero — he's  a  Sage,  a  wise 
man,  a  very  wise  man.  We  have  been  kept  in  the 
mire  too  long:  these  Jeffersons  and  Madisons,  and 
Nicholases  and  Randolphs,  and  all  that  Virginia  Junto 
(I  think  that  was  the  very  word  he  used)  have  trodden 


QUODLIBET.  49 

us  in  tb,e  dust.  They,  with  all  the  Democracy  at  their 
back,  have  lorded  it  over  us  for  sixteen  years.  We 
owe  them  an  old  grudge.  But  our  time  is  coming, 
(this  expression  he  repeated  twice.)  Remember,  my 
son,  if  ever  you  get  into  a  majority,  stick  to  it.  Bring 
up  your  children  to  it.  You  have  a  long  account  to 
settle : — I  shall  bequeath  to  you  the  Vengeance  of  the 
Federal  party.  We  must  rally  at  once  upon  Andrew 
Jackson.  He  will  bring  us  what  it  is  fashionable  to 
call  'the  people.' — We  shall  bring  him  the  talent,  the 
intelligence,  and  the  patriotism  of  the  land.  In  such 
an  alliance  how  can  it  be  otherwise  but  that  we  shall 
have  all  the  power? — and  then,  if  we  fail  to  play  our 
cards  with  skill,  we  shall  deserve  to  lose  the  game. 
Let  Jackson  be  our  candidate  for  the  next  Presidency, 
and  let  our  gathering  word  be,  in  the  sentiment  of  this 
memorable  letter,  'The  Union  of  the  People  and  the 
extermination  of  the  Monster  of  Party.'  Do  not 
slumber,  my  son,  but  give,  your  energies  to  this  great 
enterprise." 

Mr.  Middleton  took  this  advice  of  his  venerable 
father  greatly  to  heart.  "Up  with  Jackson,  and 
down  with  Party!"  said  he,  after  a  long  rumination; 
"good,  excellent  —  nothing  can  be  better!"  And 
several  times  that  night,  before  he  went  to  bed,  he 
audibly  uttered  the  same  words,  as  he  walked  back- 
ward and  forward  across  the  room. 

From  this  time  Judge  Flam  wrote  many  letters  to 
his  friends,  disclosing  the  views  he  had  expressed  to 
Middleton;  and  by  degrees  the  matter  ripened  and 
ripened,  until  things  were  so  contrived  as  to  bring 
about  what  Judge  Flam  used  to  smile  and  say,  was 
5 


50  QUODLIBET. 

"a  spontaneous,  unpremeditated  burst  of  popular  feel- 
ing," in  the  nomination  of  the  General.  And  the 
Judge  used  to  laugh  outright,  when  the  papers  took 
strong  .ground  in  the  General's  favor,  as  the  candidate 
•who  was  brought  out  "without  intrigue  or  party  man- 
agement." The  Old  Hero  and  Sage,  we  all  know,  was 
cheated  out  of  his  first  election;  which  circumstance 
greatly  embittered  his  early  friends,  who,  from  that 
time — Mr.  Middleton  among  the  rest — took  a  very  de- 
cided stand  for  Reform,  Retrenchment,  Economy,  and 
the  Rights  of  the  People. 

The  Judge  did  not  live  to  witness  this  second  effort 
which  resulted  so  gloriously  for  the  Democratic  cause; 
but  his  son  stuck  close  to  the  Old  Hero,  and  was 
among  his  most  ardent  supporters  to  the  last.  When 
the  General  succeeded,  his  first  care  was  to  show  his 
gratitude  to  that  disinterested  band  of  patriots  who  so 
freely  surrendered  their  old  principles  and  abandoned 
their  old  comrades  in  his  behalf.  He  brought  them 
into  office,  just  to  show  that  he  was  determined  to 
carry  out  the  doctrine  of  his  letter;  and  they  were 
loudest  in  their  praise  of  him  for  the  sake  of  the  old 
grudge,  of  which  Judge  Flam  spoke  to  his  son,  and  to 
indemnify  their  long  suffering  in  the  cause  of  the 
country,  in  the  course  of  which  they  had,  for  so  many 
years,  been  strangers  to  power.  So  between  these  two 
persuasions,  it  is  not  to  be  wondered  at  that  they  should 
have  become  the  principal  friends  and  most  confidential 
advisers  of  the  General. 

Having  thus  got  upon  an  elevation,  from  whence 
they  could  look  backward  upon  their  past  errors,  and 
forward  to  their  future  hopes,  a  new  light  dawned 


QUODLIBET.  51 

upon  every  man  of  them ;  and  thereupon  they  straight- 
way became  sick  and  sorry  for  having  so  long  sinned 
against  Democracy,  and  grew  ashamed  of  that  black 
cockade  which  George  Washington  wore  in  the  Revolu- 
tion ;  made  open  renunciation  of  their  former  pretended 
attachment  to  his  principles;  canonized  Mr.  Jefferson 
as  a  saint,  whom  they  had  formerly  reviled  as  the  chief 
of  sinners;  purged  out  their  old  Federal  blood;  took 
deep  alterative  draughts  of  detergent  medicine;  and, 
finally,  like  true  patriots,  came  forth  regenerated, 
thorough-bred  whole-hog  Democrats,  sworn  to  follow 
the  new  Democratic  principle  through  all  its  meander- 
ings,  traverses,  dodgings,  and  duckings  to  the  end. 
Indeed,  Mr.  Middleton  Flam,  our  honorable  repre- 
sentative, has  more  than  once,  in  some  of  his  later 
speeches  before  the  people,  contended,  that  although 
his  father  was  attached  to  George  Washington's  school 
of  politics,  which,  as  he  remarked,  naturally  arose  out 
of  the  prejudices  created  by  the  revolutionary  war — in 
which  the  old  Judge  had  served  as  a  soldier — yet,  that 
he,  Middleton,  never  was  truly  an  admirer  of  that  gen- 
tleman's theory  of  government  or  system  of  measures — 
but,  on  the  contrary,  held  them  in  marked  disesteem,  and 
from  his  earliest  youth  had  a  strong  inclination  toward 
that  freedom  from  restraint,  which,  in  man  and  boy,  is  the 
best  test  of  the  new  Democratic  principle.  In  proof 
of  this  tendency  of  his  youthful  opinions,  he  men- 
tioned, with  most  admirable  effect,  an  exploit,  in  which, 
when  not  more  than  twelve  years  of  age,  he  gallantly 
stood  up  at  the  head  of  a  party  of  his  school-fellows  to 
bar  out  the  tutor  and  take  a  holiday,  on  the  ground  of 
the  indefeasible  rights  of  man,  with  a  view  to  attend  a 


52  QUODLIBET. 

great  political  .meeting  of  the  friends  of  Jefferson,  just 
previous  to  the  second  election  of  that  Apostle  of  De- 
mocracy. 

Be  that  as  it  may,  our  distinguished  member  of  Con- 
gress is  now,  by  force  of  reflection  and  conviction,  as 
pure,  unadulterated,  and,  as  our  people  jocularly  denote 
it,  as  patent  a  dyed-in-the-wool  Democrat  as  Theodore 
Fog  himself,  whose  attachment  to  popular  principles, 
habits,  and  manners,  and  whose  unalterable  adhesion 
to  the  new  Democratic  theory,  are  written  in  every  line 
of  his  face  and  in  every  movement  of  his  body : — and 
so,  Mr.  Flam  avers,  is  every  one  of  his  black-cockade 
friends  who  have  got  an  office.  "Thus  it  is," — if  I 
may  be  allowed  to  quote  a  beautiful  sentiment  from 
one  of  Fog's  speeches — "thus  it  is,  that  by  degrees, 
the  errors  of  old  opinions  are  washed  out  by  the  all- 
pervading  ablution  of  the  Democratic  principle  follow- 
ing in  the  footsteps  of  the  march  of  intellect;  and  so 
true  is  it,  that  the  body  politic,  like  quicksilver,  regur- 
gitates and  repudiates  the  feculence  of  Federalism." 

Nicodemus  Handy  has  an  attachment  for  Mr.  Flam, 
which  is  truly  fraternal.  It  goes  so  far  as  to  prevent 
him  from  ever  contradicting  Mr.  Middleton  in  any  fact, 
or  gainsaying  him  in  any  opinion — although  I  did  think 
at  one  time,  when  Nicodemus  was  thought  to  be  rich, 
that  he  was  a  little  bold  in  his  sentiments  on  two  or 
three  matters  wherein  our  member  differed  from  him. 
One  I  remember  in  particular;  it  was  W;hen  the  Old 
Hero  pocketed  the  Specie  Circular  Bill.  Mr.  Handy 
thought,  for  a  little  while,  that  the  circular  was  too 
hard  upon  the  banks  and  the  trading  people,  and  he 
seemed  to  insinuate  that  the  General  was  rather  cor- 


QUODLIBET.  53 

nered  by  Congress,  when  they  ordered  its  repeal  by 
two-thirds  of  both  Houses;  and  that,-  consequently,  as 
a  good  Democrat,  he  ought  to  have  submitted  to  the 
will  of  the  people  in  that  matter,  and  allowed  them  to 
have  the  law  after  it  was  passed.  Mr.  Flam  was 
diametrically  opposed  to  him,  and  proved,  I  thought 
conclusively,  that,  according  to  the  sound  Quodlibeta- 
rian  Democratic  principle,  the  General  was  altogether 
right  in  putting  the  act  of  Congress  aside  and  not 
allowing  them  to  overset  his  plans  by  another  vote  of 
two-thirds.  "For,"  he  inquired  with  great  force  of 
argument,  adopting  the  Socratic  form,  "what  is  Con- 
gress? The  representatives  of  the  people,  by  districts 
and  by  States.  For  whom  can  any  one  man  in  that 
body  speak?  For  his  own  district,  or  for  his  own 
State — no  more.  Now,  what  is  the  President?  Sir," 
said  he,  in  that  solemn  and  impressive  tone  in  which 
he  addresses  the  House  at  Washington,  "  the  President 
himself  has  answered  that  question  in  his  immortal 
Protest  against  the  Senate — he  is  'the  direct  repre- 
sentative of  the  American  people,'  and,  as  he  took 
occasion  once  to  say  in  his  Message,  llt  will  be  for 
those  in  whose  behalf  we  all  act,  to  decide  whether  the 
Executive  Department  of  the  Government,  in  the  steps 
which  it  has  talcen  on  this  subject,  has  been  found  in 
the  line  of  its  duty.'  The  President,  sir,  is  the  rep- 
resentative of  the  whole  people — not  of  a  district,  not 
of  a  State,  but  of  the  whole  nation.  Why  should  these 
representatives  of  the  parts  undertake  to  dictate  to  the 
representative  of  the  whole?  It  is  for  the  people  to 
decide  whether,  in  putting  that  bill  in  his  pocket,  he 
was  in  the  line  of  his  duty.  Sir,  there  is  the  broad 


54  QUODLIBET. 

buttress  upon  which  the  Democratic  principle  reposes, 
and  will  repose  forever.  Jackson  has  determined,  as 
representative  of  the  people,  that  the  Specie  Circular 
shall  not  be  repealed,  and  every  true  Democrat  will  of 
course  say  that  he  is  right.  I  am  surprised  that  you, 
Handy,  should  give  any  countenance  to  the  factious 
doctrine  set  up  by  the  Whigs,  that  Congress  has  a 
right  to  array  itself  against  the  clearly  expressed  will 
of  the  people,  when  uttered  through  the  paramount 
representative  of  the  whole  nation." 

Mr.  Handy  was  evidently  confounded  by  this  unan- 
swerable argument,  and,  of  course,  did  not  attempt  to 
answer.  I  confess,  for  my  own  part,  I  listened  with 
admiration  and  amazement  at  the  dialectic  skill  with 
which  so  abstruse  a  subject  was  so  briefly  yet  so  clearly 
elucidated,  and  I  inwardly  ejaculated,  in  the  language 
of  the  afflicted  man  of  Uz,  "How  forcible  are  right 
words!" 

My  late  pupil's  reflections  were  drawn  to  this  ques- 
tion of  the  Specie  Circular  with  more  intensity  of  re- 
gard, from  a  very  natural  train  of  circumstances, 
which  had  great  influence  in  inducing  an  elaborate 
study  of  the  subject.  Mr.  Handy  has  often  said  that 
Mr.  Flam  was  the  very  best  customer  our  bank  had 
from  the  beginning.  Acting,  as  he  always  did,  upon 
the  principle  that  our  first  care  is  due  to  those  who  are 
nearest  to  us,  or,  according  to  the  adage,  that  charity 
begins  at  home,  the  President  of  the  bank  refused 
to  borrow  from  any  other  institution,  but  determined 
exclusively  to  patronize  his  own.  This  principle  he 
carried  to  the  romantic  extent  of  borrowing  four  times 
as  much  as  anybody  else;  and  as  he  always  contended 


QUODLIBET.  55 

for  it  as  the  most  approved  theorem  in  banking,  that 
the  wider  and  the  more  remote  the  circulation  of  the 
paper  of  a  bank,  the  better  for  its  profit,  he  employed 
these  funds  in  the  purchase  of  a  large  quantity  of  the 
Chickasaw  Reserve  lands.  By  these  means  Mr.  Flam 
became  the  proprietor  of  a  vast  number  of  acres  in 
that  Southwest  country;  and  as  the  Specie  Circular 
was  a  most  laudable  contrivance  to  stop  overtrading 
and  speculating  in  the  public  lands,  it  occurred  to  our 
worthy  representative  that  the  less  the  public  lands 
were  sold,  the  more  his  would  come  into  the  market  at 
good  prices;  and  so,  with  a  view  to  the  benefit  of 
Quodlibet,  where  he  expected  to  invest  the  profits,  he 
became  a  strong  advocate  of  the  Circular.  This  set 
him  to  studying  the  question  of  the  pocketing  of  the 
bill  for  its  repeal,  whereof  I  have  spoken  above,  and 
enabled  him  to  convince  himself  how  deeply  that  mat- 
ter was  connected  with  the  development  of  the  Dem- 
ocratic principle  in  the  manner  put  forth  in  his  argu- 
ment to  Mr.  Handy. 

Thus  does  it  come  to  pass  that,  step  by  step,  as  our 
government  rolls  on,  its  fundamental  features  are  suc- 
cessively disclosed  in  the  practical  operations  of  that 
sublime  system  which  so  securely  intrenches  the  good 
of  the  people  in  the  doctrines  of  genuine  Quodlibet- 
arian  Democracy,  as  now  of  late,  for  the  first  time, 
fully  understood  and  practiced. 

Ever  after  that  notable  discourse,  Mr.  Handy  showed 
himself,  both  in  private  and  at  our  public  meetings, 
the  stern,  uncompromising  champion  of  the  Specie 
Circular  and  of  the  broad  representative  character  of 
the  President.  The  other  questions  upon  which  I  have 


56  QUODLIBET. 

found  him  to  differ  occasionally  with  Mr.  Flam,  shared 
pretty  nearly  the  same  fate  as  this.  The  Cashier  ulti- 
mately fell  into  entire  harmony  of  sentiment  in  all 
matters  with  the  President;  though,  as  I  have  insinuated 
before,  in  the  flood-tide'  of  Mr.  Handy's  fortune,  when 
he  began  to  be  accounted  a  man  of  wealth,  he  was,  in 
accordance  with  a  principle  of  human  nature  founded 
upon  the  corrupting  and  debasing  influence  of  riches, 
much  more  difficult  to  bring  into  perfect  conformity  of 
opinion  with  Mr.  Flam,  than  in  the  ebb.  Yet,  I  would 
here  remark  that,  almost  in  the  same  degree  that  Mr. 
Handy  yielded  his  assent  to  the  doctrines  of  the  Hon. 
Middleton  Flam,  did  the  rank  and  file  of  our  sturdy 
and  independent  Democracy  yield  to  Mr.  Handy ;  the 
whole  party  being  kept  in  a  harmonious  agreement 
and  accord  by  what  Fog  terms  "the  electric  diffusion 
of  the  Democratic  principle  through  the  whole  circle  of 
hand-in-hand,  unflinching,  unwavering,  uncorruptible, 
and  power-frowning-down  yeomanry  of  the  most  vir- 
tuous and  enlightened  nation  upon  the  terrestrial 
globe." 


QUODLIBET.  57 


CHAPTER  III. 

FURTHER     DISCOURSE    RELATING     TO      THE    HON.  MIDDLETON    FLAM — 
CORRECTION     IN     THE     ORTHOGRAPHY     OF     HIS    FAMILY   SEAT — HIS 

RESPECT    FOR    THE    PEOPLE VERY    ORIGINAL    VIEWS    ENTERTAINED 

BY    HIM    ON    THIS    SUBJECT HIS    LIBERALITY     IN     MONEY    MATTERS 

AVERSION       TO     THE     LAW     REGARDING     INTEREST DEMOCRATIC 

VIEW  OF  THAT  QUESTION — HIS  ENCOURAGEMENT  OF  INDUSTRY 
AND  THE  WORKING  PEOPLE — INGENIOUS  AND  PROFOUND  ILLUS- 
TRATION OF  THE  GREAT  DEMOCRATIC  PRINCIPLE. 

HOLDING,  as  I  do,  our  Democratic  leader,  the  Hon. 
Middleton  Flam,  in  the  most  deservedly  profound 
respect,  and  knowing  him  to  be,  if  I  may  be  allowed 
the  expression,  a  bright  exemplar  of  Democracy,  and 
containing  in  himself,  metaphorically  speaking,  the 
epitome  of  all  sound  opinions,  I  am  fully  authorized 
by  the  common  usage  regarding  public  characters  to 
bring  him  and  his  affairs  conspicuously  into  the  view 
of  the  world,  not  for  censure,  neither  for  praise, 
although  no  man  is  better  entitled  to  the  latter,  but  for 
instruction.  Such  is  the  destiny  of  distinguished  men, 
that  their  lives  are  common  property  for  the  teaching 
of  their  generation.  Duly  acknowledging  the  weight 
of  this  maxim,  I  shall  venture  in  the  present  chapter 
to  give  my  reader  a  still  closer  insight  into  the  private 
concerns  of  our  representative;  for  which  task  I  feel 
myself  somewhat  specially  qualified,  through  the 
bountiful  hospitality  of  that  excellent  gentleman,  who 
has  not  only  welcomed  me  to  his  board  often  on  week 


58  QUODLIBET. 

days,  and  always  on  Sundays,  but  who  has  even  flat- 
tered me,  more  than  once,  by  the  remark  that  he  would 
not  take  umbrage  at  such  impartial  development  of  his 
life  and  opinions  as  he  knew  I,  better  than  any  other 
of  his  friends,  (truly  herein  his  kindness  has  overrated 
my  worthiness,)  had  it  in  my  power  to.  make. 

The  old  family  seat  of  the  Flams  is  about  two  miles 
from  Quodlibet.  It  is  upon  the  Bickerbray  road ;  and, 
taking  in  all  the  grounds  belonging  to  the  domicile,  the 
tract  is  somewhere  about  eight  hundred  acres;  by  far 
the  greater  portion  of  which  is  a  flat  range  of  wood- 
land and  field,  watered  by  Grasshopper  Run,  which 
falls  into  the  Rumblebottom.  The  tract  used  to  be 
called,  in  Judge  Flam's  time,  "The  Poplar  Flats,"  and 
the  house,  at  that  day,  went  by  the  name  of  "  Quality 
Hall:"  but  ever  since  Mr.  Middleton  has  had  it,  which, 
as  may  be  gathered  from  what  I  have  imparted  in  the 
last  chapter,  has  been  from  the  time  that  the  old  Black 
Cockades  began  to  think  of  turning  Democrats ;  ever 
since  that  day  the  spelling  has  been  gradually  chang- 
ing, and  the  house  now  goes  by  the  settled  name  of 
"Equality  Hall,"  and  the  tract  is  always  written  by 
our  people  "The  Popular  Flats."  Mr.  Middleton 
greatly  approves  of  this  change,  for  two  reasons  which 
he  has  had  occasion  to  take  into  his  serious  reflections 
— First;  "Because,"  he  says,  "in  the  Quodlibetarian 
Democratic  system,  as  now  understood,  words  are 
things."  "Not  only  things,  sir,"  said  he,  in  a  dis- 
course one  day,  at  his  own  table,  "  but  important  and 
valuable  things.  I  have  observed,"  he  continued,  "in 
our  country,  especially  among  the  unflinching,  uncom- 
promising Democrats,  that  a  name  is  always  half  the 


QUODLIBET.  59 

battle.  For  instance,  sir,  we  wish  to  destroy  the 
bank ;  we  have  only  to  call  it  a  Monster :  we  desire 
to  put  down  an  opposition  ticket,  and  keep  the  offices 
among  ourselves;  all  that  we  have  to  do  is  to  set  up  a 
cry  of  Aristocracy.  If  we  want  to  stop  a  canal,  we 
clamor  against  Consolidation :  if  we  wish  it  to  go  on, 
it  is  only  to  change  the  word — Develop  the  Resources. 
When  it  was  thought  worth  our  while  to  frighten  Cal- 
houn  with  the  notion  that  we  were  going  to  hang  him, 
we  hurraed,  for  the  Proclamation ;  and  after  that,  when 
we  wanted  to  gain  over  his  best  friends  to  our  side — 
State-Rights  was  the  word.  Depend  upon  it,  gentle- 
men, with  the  true  Quodlibetarian  Democracy,  names 
are  things:  that  is  the  grand  secret  of  the  'New-Light 
system.'  " 

Mr.  Flam's  second  reason  for  approving  the  change 
in  the  spelling  of  Poplar  Flats  and  Quality  Hall,  did 
not  depend  upon  such  a  philosophical  subtlety  as  the 
first ;  it  was  simply  because  he  had  very  nigh  lost  his 
first  election  to  Congress  from  inattention  to  this  ma- 
terial point  of  orthography.  Quality  Hall,  some  of 
the  Democrats  of  our  region  were  unreasonable  and 
headstrong  enough  to  say,  was  not  so  Democratic  a 
name  as  their  candidate  ought  to  have  for  his  place  of 
residence;  and  if  it  had  not  been  that  our  representa- 
tive discovered  this  in  time  to  convince  them  that  it 
was  an  old-fashioned  way  of  spelling  Equality  Hall,  I 
believe,  in  my  conscience,  he  would  have  made  out 
very  badly:  but  luckily  for  this  district,  and  I  may 
say,  for  the  nation,  this  error  in  spelling  was  corrected 
in  time  to  set  all  straight;  and  Mr.  Flam,  from  that 
day,  not  only  put  the  E  before  the  Q,  but,  in  token  of 


60  QUODLIBET. 

that  incident,  and  by  way  of  a  remembrancer,  always 
spoke  of  Equality  Hall  as  built  upon  Popular  Flats, 
which  sounded  very  well  in  the  ears  of  the  New  Lights, 
and  no  doubt  went  a  great  way  to  keep  him  in  Congress 
ever  after.  Therefore  I  repeat,  after  my  patron  and 
friend,  words  are  things; — and,  democratically  speak- 
ing, in  the  sense  of  a  New  Light,  I  might  even  say 
"better  than  things. 

Equality  Hall  is  a  building  which  looks  larger  than 
it  is,  from  the  circumstance  that  it  was  originally  a 
one-storied,  irregular  cottage  of  brick,  but  in  the 
Judge's  time  a  second  story  was  put  to  it ;  and,  almost 
immediately  after  Mr.  Middleton  came  to  be  the  owner, 
he  enlarged  the  eastern  gable  by  widening  it  to  nearly 
forty  feet,  and  building  it  up  considerably  above  the 
roof,  and  then  adding  to  it  a  grand  Grecian  Temple 
porch  with  niches  for  statues,  and  with  fluted  Doric 
columns  of  wood,  which  thus  constituted  what  Mr. 
Middleton  calls  his  fagade  and  principal  front  to  the 
building.  The  effect  of  this  piece  of  magnificence  was 
to  screen  the  old-cottage  from  view,  and  to  impress  the 
beholder  with  the  idea  of  a  grand  building  peeping  out 
upon  the  Bickerbray  road  between  the  foliage  of  two 
weeping  willows,  which  the  old  Judge  put  there  before 
Mr.  Jefferson's  election. 

I  have  heard  some  fastidious,  not  to  say  malevolent 
critics,  find  fault  with  this  new  addition  to  the  building, 
upon  the  score  that  it  had  too  much  pretense  about  it ; 
and  that  one  was  always  disappointed  upon  finding  all 
this  grandeur  of  outside  to  be  but  a  mere  piece  of  theat- 
rical show,  without  having  anything  to  correspond  to 
it  within.  Mr.  Flam  has  heard  the  same  objection,  but 


QUODLIBET.  61 

he  has  always  treated  it  with  the  contempt  it  deserved. 
"It  was  intended  for  show,"  he  observed  one  day  ad- 
dressing the -people  from  the  hustings,  when  he  had 
occasion  to  notice  a  remark  of  one  of  these  caviling 
gentlemen,  who  had  said  something  about  having  walked 
behind  the  portico  to  find  the  house — and  I  shall  never 
forget  how  his  eye  kindled  and  his  form  dilated  as  he 
spoke — "Show,  sir!  Of  course,  it  was  put  there  for 
show.  What  else  could  it  be  put  for?  What  is  any 
portico  put  up  for  ?  It  faces  toward  the  road,  sir — it 
was  designed  to  face  toward  the  road.  When  I  built 
that  portico,  I  wished  the  people,  sir,  to  see  it;  the 
best  I  have  shall  always,  be  shown  to  the  people.  I 
trust,  sir,  that  my  respect  for  the  people  shall  never  so 
far  abate,  as  to  induce  me  to  neglect  them.  My  house, 
sir,  intrinsically  is  that  of  an  humble  citizen ;  there  are 
a  dozen  equal  to  it  in  this  county ;  but  that  part  of  it 
which  is  intended  to  gratify  the  people  is  unsurpassed 
here  or  anywhere  else.  I  have  laid  out,  sir,  a  small 
fortune  on  that  portico  to  gratify  the  people:  all  that 
I  have  comes  from  them — all  that  I  ever  expect  to  be, 
I  hope  to  derive  from  them :  who  has  so  good  a  right 
as  they  to  require  me  to  put  my  best  foot  foremost, 
when  they  are  the  spectators?  On  the  same  principle, 
sir,  when  I  appear  in  public,  I  dress  in  the  most  ex- 
pensive attire,  I  drive  the  best  horses,  and  procure  the 
finest  coach.  My  turnout  is  altogether  elaborate, 
studiously  particular — simply  because  I  hold  the  people 
in  too  much  esteem,  to  shab  them  off  with  anything  of 
"a  secondary  quality,  while  Providence  has  blessed  me 
•with  the  means  of  providing  them  the  best.  That,  sir, 
is  what  I  call  a  keystone  principle  in  the  arch  of  Demo- 
6 


62  QUODLIBET. 

cratic  government:  that  is  the  sentiment,  and  that 
alone,  which  is  to  give  perpetuity  to  this " 

"Fair  fabric  of  freedom,"  said  Theodore  Fog,  who 
was  among  the  auditory,  and  perceived  that  Mr.  Flam 
hesitated  for  a  word  to  convey  his  idea. 

"  Thank  you,  my  friend,"  courteously  replied  Mr. 
Flam,  "I  am  indebted  to  you  for  the  word — fair  fabric 
of  freedom." 

Coming  back  from  this  digression,  which  I  have  the 
rather  indulged  because  of  the  eloquence,  as  well  as 
the  just  Democratic  sentiment  it  breathes,  I  proceed 
with  my  sketch  of  the  homestead  of  our  distinguished 
leader  of  the  politics  of  Quodlibet. 

If  I  were  asked  what  constituted  the  most  striking 
feature  in  the  arrangements  of  this  very  admirable 
establishment,  I  should  say  it  was  the  judicjous  admix- 
ture of  a  laudable  economy,  with  the  greatest  possible 
effect  in  the  way  of  outward  exhibition.  For  instance, 
the  grounds  were  embellished  with  sundry  structures, 
apparently  at  great  cost,  and  producing  a  most  satis- 
factory impression  on  the  eye,  but  which,  when  examined, 
would  be  found  to  be,  for  the  most  part,  painted  imita- 
tions of  a  very  cheap  kind.  Thus  there  was  to  be  seen 
from  the  portico,  peering  above  a  thicket  on  the  Grass- 
hopper Run,  an  old  castle  with  ivy-crowned  battlements, 
greatly  enriching  the  view;  at  the  end  of  the  long 
walk  in  the  garden,  a  magnificent  obelisk  rose  forty 
feet  above  a  bed  of  asparagus;  the  entrance  to  the 
stable-yard  was  through  the  Gothic  archway  of  an  old 
chapel,  exceeding  pleasant  to  behold ;  and  the  ice  pond 
was  guarded  by  a  palisade  composed  of  muskets,  lances, 
swords,  shields,  and  cannon,  flanked  at  each  end  by  a 


QUODLIBET.  63 

pile  of  drums  and  colors.  All  these  several  embellish- 
ments a  nice  observation  would  determine  to  be  exe- 
cuted in  oil  painting,  upon  wooden  screens  sawed  into 
the  requisite  figures.  But  even  this  expense  would, 
perhaps,  have  been  avoided,  had  it  not  been  that  Quipes, 
our  artist,  owed  Mr.  Flam  twenty-five  dollars  on  account 
of  a  debt  which  Mr.  Flam  had  to  pay  for  him,  to  get 
him  out  of  jail,  for  the  sake  of  his  vote,  when  we  first 
elected  our  public-spirited  representative  to  Congress. 
Owing  to  this  circumstance,  connected  with  the  fact 
that  Sam  Hardesty,  the  joiner,  became  insolvent  on  his 
contract  for  building  the  big  portico,  whereby  Mr.  Flam 
was  obliged  to  advance  money  to  him  in  order  to  get  it 
finished,  our  member  conceived  that  it  would  be  a  good 
plan  to  work  these  debts  out  of  his  two  friends,  by 
setting  them  about  the  decorations  I  have  described. 
Besides,  he  reasoned  with  himself  that  it  was  always 
well  to  give  employment  to  the  working  people,  about 
him,  with  a  view  to  encourage  industry  and  afford  a 
practical  illustration  of  the  benignant  influence  of  the 
great  Democratic  principle  upon  society — a  considera- 
tion which  Mr.  Flam  on  no  occasion  ever  permitted 
himself  to  lose  sight  of.  By  this  judicious  management 
he  accomplished  a  fourfold  purpose :  namely,  the  beau- 
tifying of  Popular  Flats;  the  execution  of  these  rich 
specimens  of  art,  at  less  than  half  their  value;  the 
employment  of  two  very  meritorious  fragments  of  the 
people;  and,  above  all,  a  most  satisfactory  develop- 
ment of  the  excellence  and  usefulness  of  the  great 
New-Light  Democratic  principle. 

Mr.  Flam  never  was  what  you  might  call  a  moneyed 
man.     For  although  his  farms  were  very  productive, 


64  QUODLIBET. 

and  he  had  a  considerable  income  from  stock  in  the 
United  States  Bank ;  and  although  the  expenses  of  his 
family  were  very  far  short  of  what  the  world  might, 
from  the  show  he  made,  suppose  them  to  be;  yet  he 
was  in  the  habit  of  parting  with  his  money  as  fast  as  it 
came  to  hand.  There  were  a  great  number  of  deserving 
but  needy  persons  who  were  often  at  the  Popular  Flats, 
and  who  did  not  hesitate  to  borrow  all  the  funds  Mr. 
Flam  could  spare,  (if  he  had  a  fault  it  was  the  gen- 
erosity of  his  lendings,)  and  in  this  way  to  keep  him, 
as  he  has  often  told  me  himself,  very  bare.  To  make 
sure  against  loss  he  had  the  prudence  never  to  lend 
without  bond  and  mortgage,  with  a  power  of  attorney 
to  confess  judgment;  and  as  he  ever  avowed  what  he 
called  his  most  irrevocable  opinion,  that  the  interest 
law  was  exceedingly  oppressive  upon  the  industry  of 
the  country,  he  invariably  made  his  own  bargain  on 
that  point — sagaciously  remarking,  as  I  once  heard 
him  to  Nicholas  Hardup,  the  cattle  dealer,  who  was 
under  execution  upon  a  judgment,  and  came  to  borrow 
the  amount  from  Mr.  Flam,  "Money,  sir, 'is  a  com- 
modity like  wheat  or  cattle;  its  value  is  regulated  by 
the  relations  of  supply  and  demand.  Society  will 
never  prosper  till  that  principle  is  universally  recog- 
nized. We  go  for  it,  Mr.  Hardup,  as  cardinal  in  the 
Democratic  creed.  Labor,  to  be  free,  requires  that  the 
money  contract  also  should  be  free.  Why  should  the 
poor  man  pay  six  per  cent,  when  money  is  worth  but 
five?  Why  should  he  be  prevented  paying  seven, 
eight,  or  nine,  even,  if  he  finds  it  his  interest  to  give 
it — or  cannot  do  without  it?  No,  sir,  Equal  Rights, 
Liberty  of  Conscience,  and  Unrestricted  Freedom 


QUODLIBET.  65 

of  Contract  —  there  is  the  buttress  of  Democratic 
government!" 

It  often  happened,  as  such  things  will  happen,  that 
Mr.  Flam  became  the  loser  by  his  generosity ;  and  as 
it  was  a  maxim  with  him  to  inculcate  -the  most  rigid 
punctuality  in  all  engagements,  he  has  never  felt  him- 
self at  liberty  to  relax  what  he  regarded  this  salutary 
rule;  so  that,  on  many  occasions,  he  has  been  com- 
pelled to  submit  to  the  unpleasant  and  expensive 
operation  of  closing  his  accounts  on  the  bond  and 
mortgage,  by  taking  possession  of  the  mortgaged 
property;  and  in  this  way,  as  he  sometimes  feelingly 
complains  to  his  friends,  he  has  become  encumbered 
with  more  -land  than  he  knows  what  to  do  with.  He 
has,  however,  gradually  got  through  a  great  deal  of 
this  trouble  by  renting  out  his  farms;  a  course  which 
he  intends  to  persevere  in  until  his  children  are  able  to 
take  the  management  of  them. 

Mr.  Handy  has  several  times  endeavored  to  persuade 
him  to  make  his  improvements  rather  more  permanent, 
and  to  take  down  these  embellishments  I  have  been  de- 
scribing; rather  rashly  as  I  thought,  calling  them,  to 
Mr.  Flam's  face,  pasteboard  scenery,  gingerbread  non- 
sense, and  twopenny  gimcracks:  and  he  insinuated 
that  if  our  worthy  representative  would  lay  out  some 
of  his  "accommodation"  in  a  more  solid  manner  upon 
Popular  Flats,  it  would  tell  hereafter  to  his  advantage. 
But  Mr.  Flam  turns  a  deaf  ear  to  all  Nicodemus's 
preaching.  He  says  that  the  accommodation  is  better 
laid  out  in  the  Chickasaw  Reserve,  where  he  means  to 
realize  a  large  fortune ;  and  as  to  what  Mr.  Handy  is 
pleased  to  call  gimcracks  and  gingerbread,  that,  in 


66  QUODLIBBT. 

fact,  is  the  only  kind  of  decoration  in  which  a  man, 
who  respects  the  simplicity  and  purity  of  Democratic 
government,  ought  to  indulge  his  taste.  "If,"  said  he, 
"my  old  castle,  my  ohelisk,  or  my  Gothic  gateway 
were  built  of  stone  instead  of  white  pine,  a  fair  in- 
ference might  be  made  against  me  of  a  lurking  wish  to 
restore  the  exploded  aristocratic  system  of  primogen- 
iture and  entails.  It  would  be  said  I  was  building  for 
my  son  and  his  eldest  born.  Thank  God,  no  such 
treasonable  design  can  be  inferred  from  this  gimcrack 
and  gingerbread,  as  you  wittily  term  it.  When  I  go, 
sir,  my  estate-  is  to  be  cut  up  as  our  Democratic  repub- 
lican laws  ordain;  and  my  gimcrack  and  gingerbread 
can  be  plowed  in  as  easily  as  the  dockweed.  Strange 
as  it  may  sound  to  the  ears  of  some,  gimcrack  and  gin- 
gerbread are  the  elements  of  our  new  Democratic 
theory.  Sir,  our  government  should  glory  in  it: — it 
does  glory  in  it.  There  is  no  reproach  in  the  fact  that 
we  neither  build,  legislate,  think,  nor  determine  for  the 
next  generation.  We  attend  to  ourselves — that  is 
genuine  New-Light  Democracy.  We  oppose  Vested 
Rights,  we  oppose  Chartered  Privileges,  we  oppose 
Pledges  to  bind  future  Legislatures,  ^e  oppose  Tariffs, 
Internal  Improvements,  Colleges,  and  Universities,  on 
the  broad  Democratic  ground  that  we  have  nothing  to 
do  with  Posterity.  Posterity  will  be  as  free  as  we 
are.  Let  it  take  care  of  itself.  I  glory,  sir,  in  say- 
ing New-Light  Democracy  riots  in  gimcrack  and  gin- 
gerbread." 

This  eloquent  outburst  of  sentiment  effectually 
silenced  Mr.  Handy,  and  brought  him  thoroughly  into 
Mr.  Flam's  opinion.  I  rejoice  that  my  intimacy  with 


QUODLIBET.  67 

this  able  statesman  should  have  afforded  me  this  oppor- 
tunity to  show  the  brilliancy  with  which  his  mind 
sparkles  in  the  demonstration  of  political  truth,  and 
the  wonderful  power  with  which  it  converts  apparently 
trivial  thoughts  into  golden  illustrations  of  the  Dem- 
ocratic theory  as  lately  discovered  and  practiced. 


68  QUODLIBET. 


CHAPTER  IV. 

THE    SECOND  ERA POPULATION   OF  QUODLIBET INCREASE  UNPARAL- 
LELED IN  ANCIENT  CITIES  ;    EQUALED  ONLY   BY  MILWAUKEE,  ETC. 

SUCCESS  OF  THE  BANK ATTACK  UPON  IT  IN  CONGRESS THE   HON. 

MIDDLETON     FLAM'S     TRIUMPHANT    VINDICATION SKETCH     OF     HIS 

CELEBRATED  SPEECH  BEFORE  THE  NEW  LIGHTS INIMITABLE  IRONY 

ON    THE    DIVORCE    OF    GOVERNMENT    AND    BANK MERITED    COMPLI- 
MENT   TO    THE   HEAD   OF  THE   SECRETARY  OF  THE  TREASURY THAT 

DISTINGUISHED  GENTLEMAN'S  OPINIONS.   . 

IT  is  no  part  of  my  design  in  the  compilation  of  this 
little  history  to  preserve  the  form  of  a  regular,  chro- 
nological narrative  of  the  course  of  events  in  Quodli- 
bet;  for  although  the  material  for  such  a  continuous 
recital  abounds  in  the  memoranda  which  I  have  pre- 
served, yet  it  seems  better  to  suit  the  purpose  of  the 
respectable  committee  who  have  invoked  me  to  this 
labor,  that  I  should  rather  make  excerpts  from  the 
mass  of  my  papers,  in  such  wise  as  to  bring  before  my 
reader  the  condition  of  the  Borough  at  several  epochs, 
with  an  occasional  reference  to  such  incidents  as  may 
serve  to  explain  the  opinions  of  our  people  and  illus- 
trate the  course  of  that  beautiful  system  of  politics 
which  the  world — I  mean  that  world  of  which  our 
Borough  is  the  center — has  consented  to  honor  with 
the  epithet  of  Quodlibetarian ;  and  in  which  designa- 
tion, in  my  poor  judgment,  is  comprehended  the  essence 
of  the  true  theory  by  which  this  nation  has  advanced 


QUODLIBET.  69 

to  its  present  unparalleled  state  of  prosperity  and 
grandeur. 

Following  this  suggestion,  I  propose  now  to  lead  my 
reader  to  that  epoch  in  the  annals  of  the  Borough 
which  dates  in  the  fourth  year  after  the  Removal,  or, 
in  the  vernacular  computation,  the  year  of  1836-7. 
The  population  of  Quodlibet  had  now  reached  to  the 
astonishing  amount  of  fifteen  hundred  and  eighty  odd 
souls — the  increase  being  altogether  without  an  ex- 
ample in  the  history  of  civilization,  excepting,  perhaps, 
in  that  of  Milwaukee,  Navarino,  and  some  other  of 
those  seemingly  incredible  and  fabulous  creations  of 
art  which  are  said  to  have  sprung  up  under  the  benefi- 
cent auspices  of  the  Quodlibetarian  theory,  as  the  same 
has  been  practiced  in  this  government  for  some  few 
years  past.  Quodlibet,  I  repeat,  had  reached  in  pop- 
ulation upwards  of  fifteen  hundred  and  eighty  inhabit- 
ants, as  was  ascertained  by  a  diligent  enumeration 
made  under  the  direction  of  our  New-Light  Club,  with 
a  view  to  the  election  of  a  constable  held  this  year  in 
the  Borough ; — and  when  we  reflect  that  at  the  date  of 
the  Removal,  the  whole  settlement  fell  short  of  two 
hundred  persons  all  told,  it  will  be  perceived  that  in 
three  years  our  increase  has  exceeded  seven  hundred 
per  cent. !  Verily,  neither  London,  Athens,  nor 
Palmyra,  Karnac,  Luxor,  nor  even  Milwaukee  itself, 
I  doubt,  has  ever  manifested  so  prolific  an  augmen- 
tation, y. 

Nicodemus  Handy's  row  of  stores  on  the  Basin  was 
the  first  improvement,  as  I  have  already  informed  my 
reader;  then  Copperplate  Ridge  was  studded  with 
buildings;  at  the  same  time  Flam  Street  was  enriched 


TO  QUODLIBET. 

with  the  bank  and  seven  brick  buildings;  then  came 
the  Female  Lyceum,  with  the  Town  Hall  in  the  second 
story  of  the  same  building,  Peter  Ounce's  Boatmen's 
Hotel  on  the  other  side  of  the  Basin,  the  Hay  Scales, 
Zaohary  Younghusband's  (the  tinplate  .worker)  shop, 
and  Dr.  Thomas  Gr.  Winkleman's  Druggist  Store  and 
Soda  Water  Pavilion.  These,  as  well  as  I  can  recol- 
lect, were  the  principal  establishments  erected  in  Quod- 
libet  in  the  three  years  I  have  referred  to.  There  were 
a  number  of  private  houses  built  in  this  period,  and  a 
whole  settlement  of  free  negroes  made  below  the  Basin, 
on  the  line  of  the  canal.  I  ought  to  mention,  too,  that 
Nicodemus  Handy  this  year  dug  out  the  foundations, 
and,  I  believe,  built  the  cellar  walls,  of  a  second  row  of 
stores  and  of  a  new  hotel  designed  on  a  very  large 
scale,  with  extensive  baths  to  be  attached  lo  it.  These 
buildings,  it  pains  me  to  say,  in  advance,  never  got 
higher  than  the  first  story,  as  I  shall  be  obliged  to 
relate  hereafter. 

The  bank  did  a  sweeping  business  all  this  time ;  and 
nothing  can  be  conceived  more  beautiful  than  the  theory 
upon  which  it  was  conducted.  It  has  run  out  of  my 
memory  how  many  new  bales  of  pink  silk  paper  were 
turned  off  by  it,  but  the  amount  would  scarcely  be  be- 
lieved if  I  were  to  set  it  down ;  and  the  accommodation 
principle  was  carried  out  to  an  extent  that  must  have 
been  truly  gratifying  to  the  Secretary.  Still,  even  this 
most  exemplary  institution  did  not  escape  the  malev- 
olence of  the  Whigs.  That  ever-complaining  party, 
as  the  Hon.  Middleton  Flam  assured  us  by  letter,  were 
making  a  great  ado  in  Congress  about  all  the  banks, 
but  particularly  about  ours — alleging,  in  their  usual 


QUODLIBET.  71 

factious  manner,  that  the  government  would  lose  money 
by  us,  as  well  as  by  the  others. 

Deeming  this  charge  as  one  of  peculiar  atrocity,  we 
at  once  determined  to  take  it  up  in  our  New-Light 
Club,  a.nd  stamp  upon  it  the  most  conclusive  refutation. 
We  accordingly  fixed  an  evening  for  the  discussion, 
during  Christmas  week,  when  we  knew  that  our  mem- 
ber would  be  at  home  to  visit  his  family;  and  he  was 
of  course  invited  to  attend  and  give  his  views  upon 
this  very  interesting  question.  The  meeting  was  in 
the  Town  Hall  up  stairs  above  the  Female  Lyceum. 
All  Quodlibet  was  present.  I  shall  be  long  thankful 
to  Providence  for  the  dignified  station  which  it  fell  to 
my  lot  to  fill  on  that  memorable  occasion.  By  a  most 
unexpected  but  most  felicitous  chance,  I  was  honored 
that  night  with  a  call  to  the  chair;  the  worthy  Mr. 
Snuffers,  our  President,  not  being  able  to  attend,  in 
consequence  of  the  interesting  condition  of  Mrs.  Snuf- 
fers. As  the  subject  of  discussion  was  one  of  thrilling 
interest,  the  most  intense  anxiety  prevailed  to  hear  the 
speech  of  our  eloquent  representative.  He  came  fully 
prepared,  bringing  with  him  a  load  of  documents.  Our 
Vice,  Mr.  Doubleday,  who  is  a  solid  thinking,  shrewd 
person,  of  that  maturity  of  judgment  which  it  is  im- 
possible to  impose  upon,  and  himself,  by-the-by,  a  first- 
rate  debater,  told  me,  after  we  broke  up,  that  Mr. 
Flam's  discourse  that  evening  on  the  banking  system 
at  large  and  on  the  safety  of  the  banks  in  particular, 
was  one  of  the  closest  pieces  of  reasoning  he  had  ever 
listened  to  in  his  life.  I  regret  that  I  have  preserved 
so  imperfect  an  outline  of  this  speech,  but  such  as  it  is 
I  offer  it  to  my  reader. .  . 


72  QUODLIBET. 

The  orator  commenced  very  appropriately  by  re- 
marking how  impossible  it  was,  in  the  nature  of  things, 
to  satisfy  the  Whigs  on  any  point.  He  said  there 
were  three  parties  in  Congress:  First,  the  Whigs — 
who  still  croaked  about  a  National  Bank — and  his  de- 
scription of  their  croaking  was  to  the  last  degree 
humorous;  it  produced  peals  of  laughter.  Second,  the 
thorough-going  Quodlibetarian  Whole  Hogs,  who  were 
steadfast  and  immovable  for  the  State  Banks ;  and  a 
third  party,  small  in  numbers,  "attenuated" — as  he 
remarked  with  irresistibly  comic  effect — "and  gaunt; 
feeble,  shrill,  and  like  crickets  who  might  scarcely  be 
seen  in  daytime;"  and  who,  when  the  bill  to  Regulate 
the  Deposits  was  up,  presented  what,  in  his  opinion, 
was  the  most  alarming,  if  it  had  not  been  the  most 
ridiculous  scheme,  in  relation  to  the  public  money,  that 
had  ever  been  hatched  in  the  hotbed  of  faction.  These 
men,  he  said  called  themselves  Conservatives:  "And 
what  think  you,  Mr.  President,"  he  asked,  "was 
their  project?  It  was,  gir,  to  separate  the  Government 
from  the  Banks."  Here  Mr.  Flam  was  interrupted  by 
a  loud  laugh.  "A  Mr.  Gordon,"  he  said,  "was  at  the 
head  of  this  little  troop.  He  proposed  a  bill,  two 
sessions  ago,  to  place  the  revenue  and  public  moneys 
in  the  hands  of  Receivers — the  moneys  were  to  be 
paid  to  these  Receivers  in  GOLD  and  SILVER!  and  no 
bank  was  to  be  intrusted  with  a  dollar!!  And  this," 
exclaimed  Mr.  Flam,  with  a  tone  of  inimitable  irony, 
"was  to  be  done  for  the  SAFETY  of  the  public  Treas- 
ure! Your  money  not  safe  in  the  hands  of  the 
banks,  but  perfectly  secure  in  the  keeping  of  these 
honest  Receivers,  who  were  to  be  furnished  with  vaults 


QUODLIBET.  73 

and  iron  chests  to  lock  it  up  in ! ! !  0  rare  Con- 
servatives!— 0  wise  Conservatives! — 0  honest  Con- 
servatives!" 

We  all  thought  the  ceiling  of  the  Town  Hall  would 
have  toppled  down  on  our  heads  from  the  laughter 
occasioned  by  this  sally.  In  this  admirable  strain  he 
continued  for  some  minutes.  At  length,  taking  him- 
self up,  and  falling  into  a  tone  of  grave  expostulation, 
he  pulled  out  a  copy  of  The  Globe  from  his  pocket, 
and  proceeded — 

"Admirably,  sir,  has  this  paper  which  I  hold  in  my 
hand  descanted  on  this  most  wicked  project.  These 
well-timed  remarks,  I  beg  leave  to  read.  Hear  the 
incomparable  Blair.  lHad  such  a  suggestion,'  says  he, 
'  come  from  General  Jackson,  it  would  have  been  rung 
through  the  Old  Dominion  as  conclusive  proof  of  all 
the  aspirations  which  may  have  been  charged  to  the 
Hero  of  New  Orleans.  See  here,  they  would  say,  he 
wishes  to  put  the  public  money  directly  into  the  palms 
of  his  friends  and  partisans,  instead  of  keeping  it  on 
deposit  in  banks,  whence  it  cannot  be  drawn,  for 
other  than  public  purposes,  without  certain  detection. 
In  such  a  case,  we  should  feel  that  the  people  had  just 
cause  for  alarm,  and  ought  to  give  their  most  watchful 
attention  to  such  an  effort  to  enlarge  Executive  power, 
and  put  in  its  hands  the  means  of  corruption.' 
Most  admirably  again,"  continued  Mr.  Flam,  "has 
this  same  incomparable  Blair  said,  'The  scheme  is  dis- 
organizing and  revolutionary,  subversive  of  the  funda- 
mental principles  of  our  government,  and  of  its  prac- 
tice from  1780  down  to' this  day.'  Will  you,  freemen 
of  Quodlibet,  gentlemen  of  The  New  Light,"  exclaimed 
6* 


74  QUODLIBET. 

Mr.  Flam,  "  if  faction  should  go  so  far  as  to  put  this 
odious,  disorganizing,  and  revolutionary  yoke  upon 
the  country,  will  you,  freemen  of  Quodlibet,  submit 
to  it?" 

"No!"  shouted  the  ready  response  of  sixty-four 
voices. 

"Gentlemen,  listen  to  the  words  of  the  Old  Hero," 
continued  Mr.  Flam,  with  a  gratulatory  smile  play- 
ing on  his  face,  presenting  at  the  same  time  a  printed 
document  which  he  carefully  unfolded — "  listen  to  that 
'old  man  eloquent'  whose  mouth  is  never  opened  but 
to  breathe  the  precepts  of  wisdom  and  patriotism  : — I 
read  you  from  his  last  message.  In  remarking  upon 
this  absurd  project,  the  President,  in  this  able  paper, 
holds  the  following  language :  '  To  retain  the  Public 
Revenue  in  the  Treasury  unemployed  in  any  way,  is 
impracticable.  It  is  considered  against  tlie  genius  of 
our  free  institutions  to  lock  up  in  vaults  the  treasure 
of  the  nation.  Such  a  treasure  ivould  doubtless  be 
employed  at  some  time,  as  it  has  in  other  countries, 
when  opportunity  tempted  ambition.'  Now  are  you 
willing,  men  of  Quodlibet,"  again  ejaculated  our  elo- 
quent representative,  as  he  slapped  the  document  upon 
the  table,  "are  you  willing,  or  can  you  consent  to 
tolerate  a  proposition  which  is  against  the  genius " 

"No!"  thundered  forth  sixty-four  New  Lights 
again,  before  our  orator  had  finished  the  sentence. 

"Order,  order,  freemen  of  Quodlibet,"  I  called 
out,  as  it  was  my  duty  to  do,  at  this  interruption. 
"Hear  our  distinguished  representative  to  an  end, 
before  you  respond." 

There  was  a  decorous  silence. 


QUODLIBET.  75 

"A  proposition,"  continued  Mr.  Flam,  "which  is 
against  the  genius  of  our  free  institutions,  and  which 
would  be  a  lure  to  tempt  ambition  to  its  most  unholy 
purposes?" 

The  club  looked  at  me  for  a  sign,  and  I,  quickly 
giving  a  nod  of  my  head,  a  loud  "No"  ran  over  the 
whole  room,  like  a  feu  de  joie  fired  off  at  a  militia 
training. 

"Now,  gentlemen,"  said  Mr.  Flam,  "one  word  as  to 
the  safety  of  these  deposits.  Whigs — oh  that  some  of 
you  were  present,  to  mark  how  a  plain  tale  shall  put 
you  down!  I  have  here  the  Secretary's  own  report," 
he  added,  as  he  selected  one  from  the  bundle  of  docu- 
ments which  lay  before  him.  "  There  is  no  need  for 
many  words  here— Jiere  is  Mr.  Secretary  himself,  than 
whom  a  more  pellucid,  diaphonous,  transparent  Secre- 
tary of  the  Treasury — a  mind  of  rock-crystal,  a  head 
of  sunbeams,  a  soul,  sir,  of  pure  fountain  water,  that 
gurgles  and  gurgles,  perpetually  welling  forth  its 
unadulterated  intelligence  in  a  purling  stream,  of  which 
it  may  be  said,  in  the  beautiful  language  of  the  poet 
of  antiquity 

'  Rusticus  expectat  dum  defluat  amnis,  at  ille 
Labitur  et  labetur  in  omne  volubilis  sevum.'  " 

Here  I  gave  a  nod,  by  way  of  signal  to  the  club,  to 
applaud  this  splendid  outbreak  of  Ciceronian  eloquence ; 
whereat  the  New  Lights  vociferated  "Bravo — three 
times  three!"  and  made  the  house  ring  with  their  ap- 
probation— "I  say,  sir,  I  have  the  Secretary  himself 
here  present." 

Several  of  the  members,  not  being  accustomed  to 


7G  QUODLIBET. 

this  parliamentary  language,  took  the  orator  literally, 
and  rose  to  welcome  the  distinguished  person  referred 
to ;  but  a  word  from  me  explained  matters,  and  brought 
the  club  again  to  order. 

"  The  Secretary,  gentlemen  New  Lights,"  said  Mr. 
Flam,  adroitly  availing  himself  of  the  occasion  to  throw 
off  a  coruscation  of  wit — "  the  Secretary  lives  in  his 
reports — profound,  statesmanlike,  recondite  and  deep, 
his  report  is  in  my  hand — it  is  himself!  I  will  read 
you  what  he  says  upon  this  matter  of  the  safety  of  the 
banks." 

Here  Mr.  Flam  read  as  follows,  from  a  report  dated 
December  12,  1834:— 

"  It  is  gratifying  to  reflect,  however,  that  the  credit 
given  by  the  government,  whether  to  bank  paper  or 
bank  agents,  has  been  accompanied  by  SMALLER,  LOSSES 
in  the  experience  under  the  system  of  State  banks  in 
this  country,  at  their  worst  periods,  and  under  their 
severest  calamities,  than  any  other  kind  of  credit  the 
government  has  ever  given  in  relation  to  its  pecuniary 
transactions."  "Again,"  he  continued,  turning  to 
another  page,  "it  is  a  singular  fact,  in  praise  of  this 
description  of  public  debtors — the  selected  banks — 
that  there  is  not  now  due,  on  deposit,  in  the  whole  of 
them,  which  have  ever  stopped  payment,  from  the 
establishment  of  the  constitution  to  the  present  mo- 
ment, a  sum  much  beyond  what  is  now  due  to  the 
United  States  from  one  mercantile  firm,  that  stopped 
payment  in  1825  or  1826,  and  of  whom  ample  security 
was  required,  and  supposed  to  be  taken  under  the 
responsibility  of  an  oath.  If  we  include  the  whole 


QUODLIBET.  77 

present  dues  to  the  government  from  discredited  banks 
at  all  times,  and  of  all  kinds,  whether  as  depositories 
or  not,  and  embrace  even  counterfeit  bills,  and  every 
other  species  of  unavailable  funds  in  the  treasury,  they 
will  not  exceed  what  is  due  from  two  such  firms.  Of 
almost  one  hundred  banks,  not  depositories,  which, 
during  all  our  wars  and  commercial  embarrassments, 
have  heretofore  failed,  in  any  part  of  the  Union,  in 
debt  to  the  government,  on  their  bills  or  otherwise,  it 
will  be  seen  by  the  above  table  (to  which  Mr.  Flam  re- 
ferred as  annexed  to  the  report)  that  the  whole  of  them, 
except  seventeen,  have  adjusted  everything  which  they 
owed,  and  that  the  balance  due  from  them,  without 
interest,  is  less  than  $32,000." 

"There,  gentlemen  New  Lights  of  Quodlibet,"  said 
Mr.  Flam,  when  he  had  finished  reading  these  extracts, 
"what  can  be  added  beyond  this  certificate  from  the 
Secretary,  of  the  value  of  our  State  banks  ?  Even  the 
lips  of  Whiggism  are  sealed  before  it;  and  nothing  is 
left  but  the  confession  that,  in  all  their  senseless  clamor 
against  our  favorite  and  long-tried  State  bank  system, 
the  course  of  its  enemies  has  been  but  the  ebullition  of 
disappointed  ambition  and  peevish  discontent.  Are 
you  willing,  I  ask,  to  see  this  glorious  system  prostrated 
to  the  earth?" 

"No  !"  was  again  the  general  cry. 

"Are  you  content  to  see  your  cherished  banks 
stripped  of  the  confidence  of  the  government  ?" 

"No — never,  never  !"  shouted  the  New  Lights  to  a 
man. 

"Then,  gentlemen  Quodlibetarians,  radii  of  the  New 
7* 


78  QUODLIBET. 

Lights,  you  have  justified  all  my  hopes.  Your  applause 
rewards  all  my  toils — your  support  and  confidence 
enlist  all  my  gratitude.  With  emotions  of  heart-felt 
satisfaction,  I  bid  you  each  good  night !" 

With  these  words,  this  remarkable  man  gathered  up 
his  documents,  and,  with  a  countenance  full  of  smiles, 
retired  from  the  midst  of  this  circle  of  his  devoted — 
yes,  I  may  say,  his  idolizing  friends. 


QUODLIBET.  79 


CHAPTER  V. 

EXCITEMENT     PBODUCED    BT   THE     THOROUGH    BLUE    WHOLE     TEAM 

MEETING    OF    THE     NEW  LIGHT JESSE    FERRET'S  AMBIDEXTERITY 

INTRODUCTION    OF    ELIPHALET    FOX    TO  THE  CLUB HIS    EXPOSITION 

OF    PRINCIPLES ESTABLISHMENT    OF    THE    QUODLIBET  WHOLE  HOG. 

SOON  after  the  time  referred  to  in  the  last  chapter — 
that  is,  when  we  were  favored  by  Mr.  Flam  with  his 
views  on  the  banking  system — there  was  a  question  of 
the  most  profound  interest  in  agitation,  both  in  the 
New-Light  Club  and  out  of  it ;  that  question  was  the 
establishment  of  a  newspaper.  The  Quodlibetarian 
Democracy  were,  I  am  sorry  to  inform  my  reader,  most 
sorely  and  wantonly  assailed,  indeed  I  may  say  in- 
sulted, by  an  hebdomadal  sheet  which,  through  the  aid, 
or,  more  properly  speaking,  the  abuse  of  the  post-office 
(for  surely  it  was  not  the  original  design  of  that  in- 
stitution to  afford  the  means  of  corrupting  the  people 
by  the  dissemination  of  such  moral  poisons)  was  dis- 
tributed among  sundry  of  our  citizens,  and  even  put 
upon  the  files  of  one  of  our  public  houses.  I  do  not 
scruple  to  name  the  house — that  of  Jesse  Ferret — 
Jesse  being  at  this  time  a  little  amphibious  in  his 
politics,  or,  in  Mr.  Fog's  expressive  language,  rather 
fishy.  The  paper  to  which  I  allude  was  published  at 
Thorough  Blue  Court-House,  a  perfect  hotbed  of  con- 
tumacious opposition,  situate  about  fifty  miles  due  west 
from  Quodlibet.  It  was  called  "  THE  THOROUGH 


80  QUODLIBET. 

BLUE  WHOLE  TEAM,"  and  was  edited  by  Augustus 
Postlethwaite  Tompkinson,  an  inchoate  lawyer,  who 
had  set  up  for  a  poet,  and  whose  sentiments  were  of 
the  most  dangerous  Whig  complexion.  This  paper  was 
constantly  filled  with  extracts  of  the  ravings  of  Whig 
members  of  Congress  against  our  admirable  system  of 
banking,  and  had  gone  to  such  an  extreme  of  rashness, 
as  to  denominate  that  splendid  measure  of  the  purest 
and  wisest  statesman  of  the  age — my  reader  perceives 
I  mean  Mr.  Benton — for  the  introduction  of  the  gold 
currency,  a  humbug !  But  this  was  not  all ;  the  un- 
principled editor  of  that  reckless  journal  had  actually 
so  far  forgotten  all  the  decencies  of  civilized  society, 
had  become  so  callous  to  the  cause  of  virtue  and  truth, 
as  to  launch  his  puny  thunderbolts  at  the  fair  fame  of 
the  Hon.  Middleton  Flam.  He  was  ridiculed  as  a  pre- 
tender !  he  was  nicknamed  a  charlatan ! !  and  the 
unbridled  license  of  this  unsparing  defamer  did  not 
stop  short  of  denouncing  him  as  a  Federalist ! ! !  All 
Quodlibet — that  is,  all  who  possessed  the  soul  of  Quod- 
libetarians — raised  up  their  hands  at  the  political  im- 
piety of  this  libel.  A  spontaneous  burst  of  feeling 
indicated  the  deep  sentiment  which  called  for  immediate 
action  on  the  subject.  For  a  full  week,  the  New  Light 
was  in  a  state  of  paroxysm.  The  club  met  every 
night.  Nicodemus  Handy  was  there ;  Fog  was  there ; 
Nim  Porter  was  there ;  Snuffers  and  Doubleday,  Doctor 
Winkleman  and  Zachary  Younghusband,  recently  ap- 
pointed postmaster  of  the  Borough,  were  there.  Every 
thorough-bred  Quod,  even  down  to  Flan.  Sucker,  was 
there.  Jesse  Ferret,  I  have  already  said,  was  fishy. 
I  regret  to  say  it,  but  it  is  true.  Jesse,  bending  to  the 


QUODLIBET.  81 

suppleness  of  the  times,  and  forgetting  a  patriot's  duty, 
which  is  first  and  foremost  above  all  things  to  stick  to 
his  party,  pleaded  his  public  calling  to  excuse  his 
vacillation,  and  even  went  so  far  as  to  say  that  "  a 
publican  should  have  no  politics."  Oh  shame,  where 
is  thy  blush !  Not  so  with  Nina  Porter ; — his  soul 
towered  above  the  bar-room;  he  would  bet  all  he  was 
worth  on  the  side  of  his  party.  Everybody  in  Quod- 
libet  knows  how  free  Nim  always* was  with  his  bets. 

The  decisive  meeting  of  the  club  took  place  in  the 
dining-room  of  Ferret's  tavern.  Nicodemus  Handy 
did  not  often  attend  the  meetings  of  the  club:  we 
looked  to  him  rather  for  head  work,  for  he  was  not 
the  best  of  public  speakers;  but  on  the  night  of  this 
assemblage  he  made  it  a  point  to  be  present.  Mr. 
Handy  is  rather  a  short,  fat  man ;  his  head  is  partially 
bald,  his  face  is  smooth  and  fair,  his  dress  was  always 
remarked  for  being  of  the  best  material,  put  on  in  the 
neatest  manner — in  short,  Mr.  Handy  is  a  first-rate 
gentleman.  I  am  particular  in  noting  these  matters, 
because  THE  WHOLE  TEAM  was  in  the  habit  of  brag- 
ging that  "all  the  decency"  was  on  his  side.  Now  I 
would  challenge  Thorough  Blue  Court-House,  and  the 
settlement  ten  miles  "around  it — the  whole  region  is 
Whig — to  produce  one  man  among  them  to  compare 
either  with  the  Hon.  Middleton  Flam  or  Nicodemus 
Handy.  And  I  would  take  this  occasion  further  to 
remark,  in  refutation  of  THE  WHOLE  TEAM'S  calumny 
touching  "all  the  decency,"  that  the  true  Quodlibet- 
arian  Democrats  have  as  great  a  respect  for  appearance, 
and  as  profound  a  spirit  of  assentation  and  regard 
toward  a  man  of  wealth,  as  the  people  of  any  country 


82  QUODLIBET. 

upon  earth:  if  anything,  our  tip-top  Quods  carry 
rather  a  higher  head  than  the  richest  Whigs  in  these 
parts,  and  any  dispassionate  man  who  will  examine 
into  the  matter  will  say  so. 

Snuffers  was  in  the  chair.  The  members  of  the  club 
did  not  sit  down :  they  were  too  much  agitated  to  sit 
down.  As  soon  as  I,  in  my  character  of  Secretary, 
read  the  minutes  of  the  preceding  meeting^  Mr.  Handy 
rose,  and  after  some  very  appropriate  remarks  delivered 
in  a  modest  fashion,  (in  which  he  assured  the  club  that 
he  was  unaccustomed  to  public  speaking  and  moreover 
oppressed  by  the  intensity  of  his  feelings  in  regard  to 
the  recent  attack  on  his  friend;  the  Hon.  Middleton 
Flam,  and  in  a  slight  degree  agitated  in  the  presence 
of  this  most  respectable  assemblage  of  Quods,)  came 
at  once  to  the  point.  "Who,"  he  asked,  "was  Augustus 
Postlethwaite  Tompkinson?  His  name  told  you  who 
he  was — an  aristocrat,  a  poet,  a  sentimentalizer,  a 
dealer  in  fiction  !  What  was  his  calling  ?  A  pander, 
a  pimp,  a  professional  reviler  of  great  and  good  men. 
What  was  his  paper  ?  That  sink  of  infamy — THE 
WHOLE  TEAM — twenty-four  by  eighteen,  with  a  poet's 
corner,  and  an  outside  stuffed  with  a  few  beggarly 
advertisements.  Would  gentlemen  submit  to  be  led 
by  the  nose  by  a  thing  like  that,  twenty-four  by 
eighteen  ?" 

"Never,"  cried  out  Flanigan  Sucker,  who  stood  in 
the  doorway,  just  behind  Nim  Porter — "  will  we,  Nina  ?" 

"Silence,"  said  Mr.  Snuffers. 

"If  gentlemen  have  my  feelings  of  indignation  on 
this  subject,"  continued  Mr.  Handy,  "they  will  concur 
with  me  in  establishing  a  paper  of  our  own." 


QUODLIBET.  83 

"Go  it,  Nicodemus!"  shouted  Flan.  Sucker,  very 
indecorously  putting  in  his  word  a  second  time. 

Thereupon  arose  some  confusion  in  the  club,  and 
Flan,  being  found  upon  examination  to  be  muddled 
with  liquor,  was  requested  to  retire;  and  not  being 
very  prompt  to  obey  this  invitation,  he  was  turned  out. 

Mr.  Handy  then  proceeded.  "Gentlemen,"  said  he, 
"  a  paper  we  must  have,  and  I  feel  happy  in  the  op- 
portunity to  introduce  to  your  acquaintance  a  good 
friend  of  our  cause,  who  is  here  present  to-night,  and 
who,  under  the  auspices  of  this  club,  is  willing  to  un- 
dertake the  responsible  duty  of  supplying  this  so  much 
desiderated  object.  Tbeg  leave  to  present  to  you  Mr. 
Eliphalet  Fox,  a  gentleman  long  connected  with  the 
press  in  a  neighboring  State,  and  who  is  prepared  to 
submit  to  you  his  scheme." 

Upon  this  a  stranger,  who  had  been  seated  in  a  back 
part  of  the  room,  wrapped  up  in  a  green  camlet  cloak 
with  plaid  lining,  which  I  may  add  had  apparently 
seen  much  service,  stepped  forward,  and,  disrobing  him- 
self of  this  outer  garment,  stood  full  before  the  Presi- 
dent. He  was  a  thin,  faded  little  fellow,  whose  clothes 
seemed  to  be  somewhat  too  large  for  him.  His  eye  was 
gray  and  rather  dull,  his  physiognomy  melancholy,  his 
cheek  sunken,  his  complexion  freckled,  his  coat  blue, 
the  buttons  dingy,  his  hair  sandy,  and  like  untwisted 
rope.  The  first  glance  at  the  person  of  this  new-comer 
gave  every  man  of  the  club  the  assurance  that  here  was 
an  editor  indeed.  A  whisper  of  approbation  ran 
through  the  crowd,  and  from  that  moment,  as  Mr. 
Doubleday  afterward  said  to  me,  we  felt  assured  that 
we  had  the  man  we  wanted. 


84  QUODLIBET. 

"Mr.  President,"  said  he,  in  a  feeble  and  sickly 
voice,  "  my  name  is  Fox.  I  am  in  want  of  employ- 
ment. Sir,"  he  added,  gritting  his  teeth  and  taking 
an  attitude,  "if  the  rancor  of  my  soul,  accumulated  by 
maltreatment,  set  on  edge  by  disappointment,  indurated 
by  time,  entitle  me  to  claim  your  confidence,  then,  sir, 
my  claim  stands  number  one.  If  a  thorough  knowledge, 
sir,  of  the  characteristic  traits  of  Federalism,  long  ac- 
quaintance with  its  designs,  persecution,  sir,  from  its 
votaries,  a  deep  experience  of  its  black  ingratitude; 
if  days  of  toil  spent  in  its  service,  nights  of  feverish 
anxiety  protracted  in  ruminating  over  its  purposes;  if 
promises  violated,  hopes  blasted,  labors  unrewarded, 
may  be  deemed  a  stimulus  to  hatred — then,  sir,  am  I 
richly  endowed  with  the  qualifications  to  expose  the 
enemies  of  Quodlibetarian  Democracy.  I  am  a  child, 
sir,  of  sorrow :  the  milk  of  my  nature  has  been  curdled 
by  neglect.  Mine  is  a  history  of  talents  underrated, 
sensibilities  derided,  patriotism  spurned,  affluence,  nay 
competence,  withheld.  The  world  has  turned  me  aside. 
I  have  no  resting-place  on  the  bosom  of  my  mother. 
Society,  like  a  demon,  pursues  me.  Writs  in  the  hands 
of  the  sheriff,  judgments  on  the  docket,  fi.  fas.  and  ca. 
sas.  track  my  footsteps.  No  limitation  runs  in  my 
favor :  the  scire  facias,  ever  ready,  revives  the  inhuman 
judgment,  and  my  second  shirt — my  first  is  in  rags — 
is  stripped  from  my  body  to  glut  the  avarice  of  my 
relentless  pursuers.  Thank  God,  I  have  at  last  found 
a  friend  in  that  distinguished  man  who  has  been  so 
ruthlessly,  so  recently  assailed,  by  that  fledgling  of  the 
aristocracy,  Augustus  Postlethwaite  Tompkinson.  Yes, 
sir,  in  the  Hon.  Middleton  Flam  I  have  found  a  friend. 


QUODLIBET.  85 

He  has  given  me  letters  to  this  benevolent  gentleman, 
Mr.  Handy;  he  has  recommended  my  establishment 
here;  he  promises  to  co-operate  with  this  respectable 
club  in  giving  me  a  foothold  among  you.  With  her 
Flams  and  her  Handys,  Quodlibet  is  destined  to  an 
enviable  influence  in  this  great  Republic."  (Here  he 
was  interrupted  by  loud  cheers.)  "My  scheme  is,  Mr. 
President,  with  the  aid  of  this  club,  and  that  of  the 
benefactors  I  have  named,  forthwith  to  start  THE 
QUODLIBET  WHOLE  HOG.  It  shall  take  a  decided  and  * 
uncompromising  stand  against  THE  THOROUGH  BLUE 
WHOLE  TEAM,  (here  he  was  again  arrested  by  cheers;) 
pledged  to  contradict  every  word  uttered  by  that  vile 
print,  (cheers;)  to  traduce  and  bring  down  its  editor  by 
the  most  systematic  disparagement,  (cheers;)  to  dis- 
prove all  Whig  assertions;  unfailingly  to  take  the 
opposite  side  on  all  questions;  industriously  to  lower 
the  standing  of  the  members  of  the  Whig  party,  (im- 
mense cheers;)  through  thick  and  thin,  good  report 
and  evil  report,  for  better  and  for  worse,  to  defend 
and  sustain  the  administration  of  the  new  President, 
who  is  about  to  take  his  seat,  that  incomparable  Dem- 
ocrat of  the  genuine  Quodlibetarian  stamp,  Martin  Van 
Buren,  (at  this  point  the  cheering  continued  for  some 
moments,  with  such  violence  that  the  speaker  had  to 
suspend  his  remarks;)  and  finally  >  sir,  to  commend, 
exalt,  and  illustrate  the  character  and  pretensions  of  our 
unrivaled  friend  Mr.  Flam,  (immense  cheering,)  giving 
utterance  to  his  sentiments,  preponderance  to  his 
opinions,  authority  to  his  advice  on  all  proper  and 
suitable  occasions,  (loud  cheering  for  a  long  time.)  In 
short,  sir,  The  Whole  "Hog  shall  be  what  its  name  im-  V 


86  QUODLIBET. 

ports,  a  faithful  mirror  of  the  Democracy  of  Quod- 
libet.  Its  publication  shall  be  weekly;  its  size,  twenty- 
six  by  twenty,  having  the  advantage  over  the  Whole 
Team  by  full  two  inches  each  way.  There,  sir,  is  an 
outline  of  my  sentiments  and  proposed  paper."  Mr. 
Fox  concluded  this  address  in  the  midst  of  a  con- 
gratulatory uproar,  altogether  unprecedented  in  the 
club. 

Seizing  upon  the  enthusiasm  of  the  moment,  and 
being  rather  fearful  that  Fog  would  attempt  to  make 
a  speech,  which 'that  gentleman's  condition  would  have 
rendered  extremely  improper  at  this  hour,  Mr.  Handy 
immediately  offered  a  resolution  for  the  establishment 
of  the  Whole  Hog,  and  its  adoption  as  the  organ  of  the 
party,  on  the  principles  proposed  by  Mr.  Fox.  This 
was  carried  by  acclamation;  and  the  members  without 
further  discussion  adjourned  to  the  bar-room,  where 
Nim  Porter  offered  a  bet — and  not  finding  any  one  to 
take  him  up,  continued  to  offer  it  during  the  evening — 
of  fifty  dollars  to  twenty-five,  or  one  hundred  to  fifty, 
that  Eliphalet  Fox  would  run  Augustus  Posthlewaite 
Tompkinson's  Whole  Team  out  of  Quodlibet  in  six 
months  from  that  day: — that  there  would  not  be  but 
two  copies  of  the  Whole  Team  taken  in  the  Borough, 
and  that  one  of  them  would  be  Michael  Grant's  out  at 
the  Hogback: — "for,"  said  Nim,  with  an  oath,  which 
I  will  not  repeat — "  I  can  see  it  in  that  Liphlet  Fox's 
eye;  if  he  isn't  a  gouger  when  his  bile's  fresh,  there 
aint  nothing  in  Lavender  on  Physiology,  or  Fowler  on 
the  Shape  of  Heads." 


QUODLIBET.  87 


CHAPTER  VI. 

BEING  A  SHOUT  HISTORY  OF  ELIPHALET  FOX. 

ELIPHALET  Fox's  paper,  "The  Whole  Hog,"  made 
its  first  appearance  on  the  day  of  the  inauguration  of 
President  Van  Buren.  Bright  were  the  omens  that 
heralded  its  birth.  The  lustrous  orb  of  Jackson  had 
just  set  in  an  ocean  of  splendor.  Happy  old  man! 
Felix  qui  potuit  rerum  cognoscere  causas!  In  the 
glowing  language  of  his  own  immortal  valedictory,  he 
left  "this  great  people  prosperous  and  happy."  That 
star  of  the  second  magnitude,  Martin  Van  Buren,  first 
among  the  sidera  minor  a,  had  just  risen.  In  the  nearly 
equally  immortal  salutatory  of  this  Sidus  Minor,  he 
spake  the  words,  "we  present  an  aggregate  of  human 
prosperity  surely  not  elsewhere  to  be  found."  For- 
tunate omens,  incomparable  auspices!  Under  these 
cheering  signs  "The  Whole  Hog"  appeared  upon  the 
stage. 

Never  was  paper  more  faithful  to  the  Quodlibetarian 
theory.  Never  was  editor  more  richly  endowed  to  sus- 
tain that  theory  than  Eliphalet  Fox.  My  reader  will 
doubtless  expect  that  I  should  impart  such  gleanings 
of  the  editor's  life  as  my  diligent  researches  have 
enabled  me  to  collect.  This  reasonable  expectation 
shall  be  indulged. 

Eliphalet  Fox  wa"s  one  of  those  men  whose  career 


88  QUODHBET. 

furnishes  so  remarkable  a  commentary  upon  the  benef- 
icent character  of  our  great  Democratic  Quodlibetarian 
principle.  His  ancestors,  two  generations  back,  were 
Federal  and  rich:  in  the  last  generation  they  were 
Federal  and  poor — a  transition  strikingly  natural  and 
eminently  illustrative  of  our  free  institutions.  Eliphalet 
was  born  in  the  town  of  Gab  wrangle,  in  the  adjoining 
State.  His  education  was  circumscribed  to  the  circle 
.  of  reading,  writing,  and  arithmetic,  which  Eliphalet 
himself  sometimes  jocosely  describes  as  algebraically 
denoted  by  the  signs  of  the  three  Rs ;  to  wit,  Reading, 
Righting,  and  Rithmetic — a  joke  (mehercule)  both  in- 
genious and  new! 

His  parents  being,  as  I  may  say,  inops  pecunise, 
bound  Eliphalet  to  a  trade;  but  handicraft  was  ab- 
horrent to  his  genius.  His  temper  was  sour  and 
peevish;  and  though  seemingly  meek,  even  to  a  degree 
of  asininity,  in,  his  demeanor,  yet  it  was  early  dis- 
covered that,  upon  occasion,  he  could  very  deftly  and 
nimbly,  as  the  poet  says,  "unpack  his  heart  with  words 
and  fall  to  swearing  like  a  very  drab."  This  art  was 
too  valuable  in  Eliphalet's  time  to  go  long  without  a 
patron;  and,  accordingly,  after  he  had  worked  four 
most  reluctant  years  in  a  printing-office,  to  which  his 
respectable  parents,  thwarting  the  current  of  his  genius, 
had  devoted  him,  he  was  discovered  and  taken  by  the 
hand  by  Mr.  Theophilus  Flam,  brother  of  the  late 
Judge,  and  leader  of  the  Federal  party  of  Gabwrangle. 
It  was  just  before  the  war;  and  the  party  being  hard 
set  upon  by  its  enemies,  had,  like  a  cat  surrounded 
by  curs,  thrown  itself  upon  its  back,  and  essayed  to 
defend  itself,  most  cattishly,  with  claw  and  tooth. 


QUODLIBET.  89 

And  sharply,  as  we  well  know,  did  they  fight.  Elipha- 
let,  in  this  strife,  played  the  part  of  a  claw,  showing 
most  admirable  spring  nails,  though  ordinarily  hid,  and 
therefore  but  little  suspected  in  his  velvet  paw.  His 
position  in  this  battle  was  that  of  conductor  of  "The 
Gab  wrangle  Grimalkin,"  a  cross-grained,  querulous, 
tart  and  vinegarish  little  folio,  which  hoisted  the  ban- 
ner of  Theophilus  Flam,  and  swore  ih.  his  words. 
Eliphalet  Fox,  in  consequence  of  the  trusty  position 
which  was  thus  confided  to  him,  and  still  more  by 
reason  of  a  certain  rabid  but  laudable  hatred  of  all 
who  bore  the  name  of  Democrat,  in  those  days,  (and 
here  I  would  have  my  reader  mark  that  a  Democrat 
of  1812  was  a  very  different  thing  from  a  Democrat 
of  this  our  day,  especially  from  a  true  Quodlibetarian 
Democrat,)  rose  to  be  a  person  of  great  consideration 
in  Gabwrangle.  The  party  of  Theophilus  Flam,  like 
our  illustrious  chief  of  the  new  Democracy,  Mr.  Van 
Buren,  made  sturdy  opposition  to  Madison  and  his 
unrighteous  war,  and  finally  enjoyed  the  satisfaction 
of  a  complete  triumph  over  all  their  political  adver- 
saries in  Gabwrangle,  by  an  utter  route  of  the  spurious 
Democrats  who  opposed  them :  a  point  of  good  fortune 
which  did  not  fall  to  the  lot  of  our  illustrious  chief  at 
Kinderhook;  since  history  records  the  disastrous  fact 
that  he,  so  far  from  conquering,  was  obliged  to  give  in, 
and  was  even  unhappily  compelled,  by  the  force  of  ad- 
verse winds,  to  go  over  to  the  majority,  (an  event  very 
distressing  to  his  feelings,)  when  he  found  that  that 
majority  was  so  obstinate  as  to  refuse  to  come  on  his 
side:  he  was,  if  I  may  so  say,  as  it  were,  a  prisoner- 
of-war,  and  acted  under  a  vis  major.  But  at  Gab- 
8* 


90  QUODLIBET. 

wrangle — thanks  to  the  persevering  tongue  and  pen 
of  Eliphalet  Fox !— it  was  all  the  other  way;  and  " The 
Grimalkin,"  to  the  last,  enjoyed  a  most  enviable  re- 
nown as  the  bitterest  reviler  of  Mr.  Madison  and  his 
doings. 

Habit  grows  into  an  instinct,  and  as  times  change 
our  habits  are  the  last  to  follow  the  fashion.  It  is  only 
by  referring  to  this  deep-seated  principle  of  human 
nature,  that  I  am  able  to  account  for  the  extraordinary 
vituperation  which  Eliphalet  Fox,  at  a  later  day,  poured 
upon  the  head  of  the  Old  Hero  when  he  was  brought 
out  for  President.  The  Grimalkin,  like  all  poison-con- 
cocting animals,  grew  more  venomous  as  it  grew  older ; 
and  were  it  not  that  Eliphalet  has  repented  of  this 
folly,  and  amply  atoned  for  its  commission,  I  should 
blush  to  record  the  almost  savage  ferocity,  the  alto- 
gether unpardonable  acerbity,  and,  above  all,  the  tho- 
roughly unquodlibetarian  freedom  with  which  he  as- 
sailed the  purest  man  that  in  the  tide  of  time — as 
another  pure  man  has  remarked — ever  appeared  upon 
this  terraqueous  globe.  But  the  truth  is,  Eliphalet 
had  fallen  into  a  habit  of  detraction,  and  did  it  with- 
out thinking: — that  is  the  best  excuse  that  can  be 
made  for  him.  The  old  Federalists  of  Gabwrangle, 
and,  foremost  among  them,  his  master,  Theophilus 
Flam,  soon  corrected  this  unhappy  proclivity,  and 
gave  him  to  understand  that  he  was  on  a  wrong  scent. 
They  peremptorily,  to  their  great  honor,  insisted  that 
from  that  day  forth  the  Grimalkin  must  be  decent. 
The  consequence  of  this  was  fatal  to  Eliphalet  Fox — 
fatal  at  least  to  his  prosperity  in  Gabwrangle.  Thence- 
forth the  Grimalkin  sunk  into  insignificance.  As  the 


QUODLIBET.  91 

poet  says,  Othello's  occupation  was  gone.  The  sub- 
scribers grew  testy  and  dropped  off,  under  the  influ- 
ence of  this  uncongenial  decency,  exacted  from  the 
editor.  Eliphalet  borrowed  money,  his  habiliments 
grew  shabby,  he  took  up  mean  callings  for  the  sake  of 
pelf,  he  became  a  spunge ;  he  grew  bilious,  atrabilious, 
patriotic  and  indignant.  He  went  for  REFORM — re- 
form of  the  General  Government,  reform  of  the  State 
Constitution,  reform  of  private  manners,  reform  of 
public  observances.  He  took  up  an  aversion  to  all 
kinds  of  respectability,  became  a  deadly  enemy  to 
every  man  who  laid  up  any  money — made  this  senti- 
ment a  political  question,  talked  of  a  division  of  pro- 
perty, called  Nature  a  stepmother,  said  sundry  hard 
things  about  the  persecution  of  genius,  and  finally,  one 
Sunday  night,  eloped  from  Gabwrangle,  leaving  his 
fiscal  responsibilities  in  a  state  of  as  much  perplexity 
as  that  into  which  these  vile  Whigs  have  brought  those 
of  the  government.  Alas,  for  Eliphalet !  little  did  he 
dream  that  out  of  this  desolation  and  dismay  he  was  to 
pluck  so  bright  a  flower  of  prosperity  as  he  now  wears 
in  his  bosom.  All  the  hounds  of  the  law — as  he  so 
eloquently  painted  it  to  the  New  Light  at  our  cele- 
brated meeting — were  set  upon  his  track ;  but  grace  to 
his  better  destiny!  he  eluded  them.  To  twenty  writs 
placed  on  Monday  morning  in  the  sheriff's  hands,  that 
functionary  made  his  return  on  Tuesday  evening, 
"Eloped  under  whip  and  spur  out  of  the  bailiwick." — 
Oh,  lucky  Eliphalet! 

In  these  straits  the  badgered  patriot  went  to  Wash- 
ington; was  recognized  by  our  distinguished  repre- 
sentative, who,  knowing  that  we  were  in  want  of  an 


92  QUODLIBET. 

editor  fit  to  cope  with  The  "Whole  Team,  gave  him  a 
warm  letter  of  recommendation  to  Nicodemus  Handj, 
and  forthwith  was  projected  that  famous  movement, 
whereof  I  have  already  given  the  history,  and  which 
has  so  auspiciously  resulted  in  the  establishment  of  The 
Quodlibet  Whole  Hog. 


QUODLIBET. 


CHAPTER  VII. 

ASTOUNDING  EVENT SUSPENSION  OF  SPECIE  PAYMENTS PROCEED- 
INGS OF  THE  BANK  OF  QUODLIBET  THEREUPON RESOLVE  OF  THE 

DIRECTORS  AGAINST  SUSPENSION CONSPIRACY  AND  THREATENED 

REVOLUTION  HEADED  BY  FLAN.  SUCKER DIRECTORS  CHANGE  THEIR 

MIND THEIR  CONSTERNATION  AND  ESCAPE REMARKABLE  BRAV- 
ERY AND  PRESENCE  OF  MIND  OF  THE  HON.  MIDDLETON  FLAM HIS 

SPLENDID  APPEAL  TO  THE  INSURGENTS — GENERAL  JACKSON*  3 
ORACULAR  VIEWS  IN  REGARD  TO  THE  SUSPENSION. 

PROH  hominum  fidem ! 

It  falls  to  my  lot,  at  this  stage  of  my  history,  to  be 
constrained  to  record  an  event  the  most  astounding,  the 
most  awful,  the  most  unexpected,  the  most  treacherous, 
the  most  ungrateful,  the  most  flagitious — yea,  the  most 
supereminently  flagitious, — that  the  history  of  mankind 
affords.  Notwithstanding  that  laudatory  and  political 
ejaculation  which  the  Hero  and  Sage  breathed  out  in 
the  evening  of  his  brilliant  career,  like  the  last  notes 
of  the  swan,  "I  leave  this  great  people  prosperous  and 
happy" — notwithstanding  that  flattering  canzonet,  with 
which  he  who  pledges  himself  to  walk  in  the  Hero  and 
Sage's  footsteps,  began  his  illustrious  course,  singing 
as  it  were  the  morning  carol  of  the  lark — "we  present 
an  aggregate  of  human  prosperity  surely  not  elsewhere 
to  be  found" — the  echo  of  these  sweet  sounds  had  not 
died  away  upon  the  tympana  of  our  ravished  ears, 
before  these  banks — these  gentle  pet  banks — these 
fostered,  favored,  sugar-plum  and  candy- fed  pet  banks, 


94  QUODLIBET. 

with  all  their  troop  of  plethoric  and  pampered  paragon 
sister  banks,  one  and  all,  without  one  pang  of  re- 
morse, without  one  word  of  warning,  without  even,  as 
far  as  we  could  see,  one  tingle  gf  a  suppressed  and 
struggling  blush,  incontinently  suspended  specie  pay- 
ments ! !  0  curas  hominum  !  Quantum  est  in  rebus 
inane ! 

Shall  I  tell  it?  Even  the  Patriotic  Copperplate  Bank 
of  Quodlibet  was  compelled  to  follow  in  this  faithless 
path.  Not  at  once,  I  confess — not  off-hand,  and  with 
such  malice  prepense  as  the  others — for  Nicodemus 
Handy  had  a  soul  above  such  black  ingratitude — but 
after  a  pause,  and,  let  the  truth  be  told  in  extenuation, 
because  he  could  not  help  it. 

The  Hon.  Middleton  Flam  was  sent  for  upon  the 
first  tidings  of  this  extraordinary  kicking  in  the  traces 
by  these  high-mettled  institutions  —  tidings  which 
reached  Quodlibet,  via  the  canal,  about  eleven  o'clock 
one  morning  in  May.  The  Directors  were  summoned 
into  council.  What  was  to  be  done?  was  the  general 
question.  Anthony  Hardbottle,  of  the  firm  of  Barn- 
dollar  &  Hardbottle — a  grave  man  and  a  thoughtful ;  a 
man  without  flash,  who  seldom  smiles — a  lean  man, 
hard  favored  and  simple  in  his  outgoings  and  incom- 
ings; a  man,  who  has  never  sported,  as  long  as  I  have 
known  him,  any  other  coat  than  that  snuff-brown  with 
covered  buttons,  and  who  does  not  wear  out  above  one 
pair  of  shoes  in  a  year;  a  man  who  could  never  be 
persuaded  to  give  so  far  into  the  times  as  to  put  on  a 
black  cravat,  but  has  always  stuck  to  the  white: — such 
a  man,  it  may  be  easily  imagined,  was  not  to  be  carried 
away  by  new-fangled  notions: — he  was  there  at  the 


QUODLIBET.  95 

Board,  in  place  of  Theodore  Fog,  who  was  compelled 
two  years  before  to  withdraw  his  name  as  a  candidate 
for  re-election.  This  same  Anthony  Hardbottle,  speak- 
ing under  the  dictates  of  that  cautious  wisdom  natural 
to  him  as  a  merchant,  answered  this  question  of  What 
was  to  be  done  ? — by  another  equally  laconic  and  preg- 
nant with  meaning — 

"How  much  cash  have  we  on  hand?" 

"One  hundred  and  seven  dollars  and  thirty-seven 
and  a  half  cents  in  silver,"  replied  Nicodemus,  "and 
five  half  eagles  in  gold,  which  were  brought  here 
by  our  honorable  President  and  placed  on  deposit, 
after  he  had  used  them  in  the  last  election  for  the  pur- 
pose of  showing  the  people  what  an  admirable  currency 
we  were  to  have,  as  soon  as  Mr.  Benton  should  suc- 
ceed in  making  it  float  up  the  stream  of  the  Missis- 
sippi." 

Again  asked  Anthony  Hardbottle,  "  What  circula- 
tion have  you  abroad?" 

"Six  hundred  thousand  dollars,"  replied  Nicodemus, 
"  and  a  trifle  over." 

"  Then,"  said  Anthony,  "  I  think  we  had  better 
suspend  with  the  rest." 

"Never,"  said  the  Hon.  Middleton  Flam,  rising 
from  his  seat  and  thumping  the  table  violently  with 
his  hand.  "  Never,  sir,  while  I  am  President  of  this 
bank,  and  there  is  a  shot  in  the  locker." 

"  Bravo — well  said,  admirably  said,  spoke  as  a 
Quodlibetarian  ought  to  speak!"  shouted  Dr.  Thomas 
G.  Winkleman,  the  keeper  of  the  soda-water  Pavilion ; 
"  I  have  fifteen  dollars  in  five-penny  bits ;  they  are  at 
the  service  of  the  Board,  and  while  I  hold  a  piece  of 


96         .  QUODLIBET. 

coin,  the  Patriotic  Copperplate  Bank  shall  never  be 
subjected  to  the  reproach  of  being  unable  to  meet  its 
obligations.  Anthony  Hardbottle,  as  a  Democrat  I 
am  surprised  at  you." 

"I  can't  help  it,"  replied  Anthony ;  "in  my  opinion, 
our  issues  are  larger  than  our  means." 

"  How  larger,  sir  ?"  demanded  Mr.  Snuffers,  the 
President  of  the  New  Light,  with  some  asperity  of 
tone. — "  Haven't  we  a  batch  of  bran-new  notes,  just 
signed  and  ready  for  delivery  ?  Redeem  the  old  ones 
with  new.  Why  should  we  suspend?" 

"  Gentlemen,  I  will  put  the  question  to  the  Board," 
interposed  Mr.  Flam,  fearful  lest  a  quarrel  might  arise, 
if  the  debate  continued.  "Shall  this  bank  suspend 
specie  payments?  Those  in  favor  of  this  iniquitous 
proposition  will  say  AY." 

No  one  answered.  Anthony  Hardbottle  was  in- 
timidated by  the  President's  stern  manner. 

"  Those  opposed  to  it  will  say  No." 

"No  !"  was  the  universal  acclamation  of  the  Board, 
with  the  exception  of  Anthony  Hardbottle  who  did 
not  open  his  lips. 

"  Thank  you,  gentlemen,"  said  Mr.  Flam,  "for  this 
generous  support.  I  should  have  been  compelled  by 
the  adoption  of  this  proposition,  much  as  I  esteem  this 
Board,  much  as  I  value  your  good  opinion,  to  have 
returned  the  commission  with  which  you  have  honored 
me  as  your  President.  Our  country  first,  and  then 
ourselves !"  The  Democracy  of  Quodlibet  never  will 
suspend !" 

At  this  moment  confused  noises  were  heard  in  the 
banking- room,  which  adjoined  that  in  which  the 


QUODLIBET.  97 

Directors  were  convened.  Mr.  Handy  immediately 
sprang  from  his  chair  and  went  into  this  apartment. 

There  stood  about  thirty  persons,  principally  boat- 
men from  the  canal.  At  their  head,  some  paces 
advanced  into  the  bank,  was  Flanigan  Sucker.  One 
sleeve  of  Flan's  coat  was  torn  open  from  the  shoulder 
to  the  wrist ;  his  shirt,  of  a  very  indefinite  complexion, 
was  open  at  the  breast,  disclosing  the  shaggy  mat  of 
hair  that  adorned  this  part  of  his  person ;  his  corduroy 
trowsers  had  but  one  suspender  to  keep  them  up,  thus 
giving  them  rather  a  lop-sided  set.  His  face  was  fiery- 
red;  and  his  hat,  which  was  considerably  frayed  at 
the  brim,  was  drawn  over  one  ear,  and  left  uncovered 
a  large  portion  of  his  forehead  and  crown  which  were 
embellished  by -wild  elf  locks  of  carroty  hue. 

"Nicodeinus,"  said  Flan,  as  soon  as  the  Cashier 
made  his  appearance,  "  we  have  come  to  make  a  run 
upon  the  bank: — they  say  you've  bursted  your  biler." 
Then  turning  to  the  crowd  behind  him,  he  shouted, 
"  Growl,  Tigers  !— Yip  !  yip  !  Hurra  !" 

As  Flan,  yelled  out  these  words,  a  strange  muttering 
sound  broke  forth  from  the  multitude. 

"What  put  into  your  drunken  noddle  that  we  have 
broke?"  inquired  Mr.  Handy,  with  great  composure, 
as  soon  as  silence  was  restored. 

"  Nim  Porter  ses,  Nicodemus,  that  you're  a  gone 
horse,  and  that  if  you  ain't  busted  up,  you  will  be  be- 
fore night.  So  we  have  determined  on  a  run." 

Nim  Porter,  who  was  standing  in  the  rear  of  the 

crowd,  where  he  had  come  to  see  how  matters  were 

going  on,  now  stepped  forward.     Nim  is  the  fattest 

man  in  Quodlibet,  and  besides,  is  the  most  dressy  and 

9 


98  QUODLIBET. 

good-natured  man  we  have.  On  this  occasion  there  he 
stood  with  a  stiff  starched  linen  roundabout  jacket  on, 
as  white  as  the  driven  snow,  with  white  drilling  panta- 
loons just  from  the  washerwoman,  and  the  most 
strutting  ruffle  to  his  shirt  that  could  have  been  manu- 
factured out  of  cambric.  In  all  points  he  was  unlike 
the  crowd  of  persons  who  occupied  the  room.  "  I  said 
nothing  of  the  sort — "  was  Nina's  reply — "  and  I  am 
willing  now  to  bet  ten  to  one  that  he  can't  produce  a 
man  here  to  say  I  said  so." 

"What's  the  odds!"  cried  Flan;  "Nicodemus,  we 
are  resolved  upon  a  run — so  shell  out !" 

"Begin  when  it  suits  you,"  said  Mr.  Handy.  "Let 
me  have  your  note,  and  I  will  give  you  either  silver  or 
gold  as  you  choose." 

"  You  don't  catch  me  that  way,"  shouted  Flan.,  with 
a  drunken  grimace.  "Notes  is  not  in  my  line — shell 
out  anyhow.  We  have  determined  on  a  run — a  genu- 
ine, dimmycratic  sortie." 

"Have  you  none  of  our  paper?"  again  inquired  Mr. 
Handy. 

"Not  a  shaving,  Nicodemus,"  replied  Flan.  "What's 
the  odds?" 

"  But  I  have,"  said  a  big,  squinting  boatman,  as  he 
walked  up  to  our  Cashier,  and  untied  his  leather  wallet. 
"There's  sixty  dollars,  and  I'll  thank  you  for  the 
cash. 

"And  I  have  twenty-five  more,"  cried  out  another. 

"And  I  twice  twenty-five,"  said  a  gruff  voice  from 
the  midst  of  the  crowd. 

All  this  time  the  number  of  persons  outside  was 
increasing,  and  very  profane  swearing  was  heard  about 


QUODLIBET.  99 

the  door.  Mr.  Handy  stepped  to  the  window  to  get  a 
view  of  the  assemblage,  and  seeing  that  nearly  all  the 
movable  part  of  Quodlibet  was  gathering  in  front  of 
the  building,  he  retired  with  some  trepidation  into  the 
Directors'  room,  and  informed  Mr.  Flam  and  the  Board 
of  what  was  going  on.  They  had  a  pretty  good  sus- 
picion of  this  before  Mr.  Handy  returned,  for  they  had 
distinctly  heard  the  uproar.  Mr.  Handy  no  sooner 
communicated  the  fact  to  them,  than  Mr.  Flam,  with 
considerable  perturbation  in  his  looks,  rose  and  declared 
that  Quodlibet  was  in  a  state  of  insurrection;  and,  as 
every  one  must  be  aware,  that  in  the  midst  of  a  revolu- 
tion no  bank  could  be  expected  to  pay  specie,  he 
moved,  in  consideration  of  this  menacing  state  of 
affairs,  that  the  Patriotic  Copperplate  Bank  of  Quod- 
libet suspend  specie  payments  forthwith,  and  continue 
the  same  until  such  time  as  the  re-establishment  of  the 
public  peace  should  authorize  a  resumption.  This  mo- 
tion was  gratefully  received  by  the  Board,  and  carried 
without  a  division.  During  this  interval,  the  conspi- 
rators having  learned,  through  their  leader,  Flan. 
Sucker,  that  the  Hon.  Middleton  Flam  was  in  the 
house,  forthwith  set  up  a  violent  shouting  for  that  dis- 
tinguished gentleman  to  appear  at  the  door.  It  was 
some  moments  before  our  representative  was  willing  to 
obey  this  summons:  the  Board  of  Directors  were  thrown 
into  a  panic,  and  with  great  expedition  got  out  of  the 
back  window  into  the  yard,  and  made  their  escape — 
thus  leaving  the  indomitable  and  unflinching  President 
of  the  bank,  a  man  of  lion  heart,  alone  in  the  apart- 
ment; while  the  yells  and  shouts  of  the  multitude  were 
ringing  in  his  ears  with  awful  reduplication.  He  was 


100  QUODLIBET. 

not  at  a  loss  to  perform  his  duty,  but,  with  a  dignified 
and  stately  movement,  stalked  into  the  banking-room, 
approached  the  window  that  looked  upon  the  street, 
threw  it  open,  and  gave  himself  in  full  view  to  the 
multitude. 

There  was  a  dreadful  pause ;  a  scowl  sat  upon  every 
brow ;  a  muttering  silence  prevailed.  As  Tacitus  says : 
"Non  tumultus,  non  quies,  sed  quale  magni  metus,  et 
magnae  iras  silentium  est."  Mr.  Flam  raised  his  arm, 
and  spoke  in  this  strain : — 

"Men  of  Quodlibet,  what  madness  has  seized  upon 
you?  Do  you  assemble  in  front  of  this  edifice  to  make 
the  day  hideous  with  howling?  Is  it  to  insult  Nico- 
demus  Handy,  a  worthy  New  Light,  or  is  it  to  affright 
the  universe  by  pulling  down  these  walls?  Shame  on 
you,  men  of  Quodlibet!  If  you  have  a  vengeance  to 
wreak,  do  not  inflict  it  upon  us.  Go  to  the  Whigs,  the 
authors  of  our  misfortune.  They  have  brought  these 
things  upon  us.  Year  after  year  have  we  been  strug- 
gling to  give  you  a  constitutional  currency — the  real 
Jackson  gold " 

"Three  cheers  for  Middleton  Flam!"  cried  out 
twenty  voices,  and  straightway  the  cheers  ascended  on 
the  air;  and  in  the  midst  was  heard  a  well-known 
voice,  "Yip  !  yip!_Go  it,  Middleton  !" 

"Yes,  my  friends,"  proceeded  the  orator,  "while 
we  have  been  laboring  to  give  you  the  solid  metals ; 
while  we  have  been  fighting  against  this  PAPER-MONEY 
PARTY,  and  have  devoted  all  our  energies  to  the  en- 
deavor to  prostrate  the  influence  of  these  RAG  BARONS, 
these  MONOPOLISTS,  these  CHAMPIONS  OF  VESTED  RIGHTS 
AND  CHARTERED  PRIVILEGES,  the  WHIGS— we  have  been 


QUODLI13ET.  101 

foiled  at  every  turn  by  the  power  of  their  unholy  com- 
binations of  associated  wealth.  They  have  filled  your 
land  with  banks,  and  have  brought  upon  us  all  the 
curses  of  over-trading  and  over- speculating,  until  the 
people  are  literally  on  their  faces  at  the  footstool  of 
the  Money  Power.  (Tremendous  cheering.)  Our  course 
has  been  resolute  and  unwaveringly  patriotic.  We  have 
stood  in  the  breach  and  met  the  storm;  but  all  without 
avail.  Between  the  rich  and  the  poor  lies  a  mighty 
gulf.  The  rich  man  has,  the  poor  man  wants.  Of 
that  which  the  rich  hath,  does  he  give  to  the  poor  ? 
Answer  me,  men  of  Quodlibet." 

"No!"  arose,  deep-toned,  from  every  throat. 

"  Then  our  course  is  plain.  Poor  men,  one  and  all, 
rally  round  our  Democratic  banner.  Let  the  aristocrats 
know  and  feel  that  you  will  not  bear  this  tyranny." 

"We  will,"  shouted  Flan.  Sucker.  "Go  it,  Mid- 
dleton !" 

"Gentlemen,"  continued  Mr.  Flam,  "this  bank  of 
ours  is  purely  DEMOCRATIC.  It  is  an  exception  to  all 
other  banks ;  it  is  emphatically  the  poor  man's  friend : 
nothing  can  exceed  the  skill  and  caution  with  which  it 
has  been  conducted.  Would  that  all  other  banks  were 
like  it !  We  have,  comparatively,  but  a  small  issue  of 
paper  afloat ;  we  have  a  large  supply  of  specie.  You 
perceive,  therefore,  that  we  fear  no  run.  You  all  saw 
with  what  alacrity  our  Cashier  proffered  to  redeem 
whatever  amount  our  respectable  fellow-citizen,  that 
excellent  Democrat,  Mr.  Flanigan  Sucker,  might  de- 
mand. (Cheers,  and  a  cry  of  'Yip  !')  Mr.  Sucker  was 
satisfied,  and  did  not  desire  to  burden  himself  with 
9* 


102  QUODLIBET. 

specie.  Gentlemen,  depend  upon  me.  When  there  is 
danger,  if  such  a  thing  could  be  to  this  New-Light 
Democratic  bank,  I  will  be  the  first  to  give  you  warn- 
ing. (Cheers,  and 'Hurrah  for  Flam.')  Born  with  an 
instinctive  love  of  the  people,  I  should  be  the  vilest  of 
men,  if  I  could  ever  forget  my  duty  to  them.  (Im- 
mense cheering,  and  cries  of  'Flam  forever!')  Take 
my  advice,  retire  to  your  homes,  keep  an  eye  on  the 
Whigs  and  their  wicked  schemes  to  bolster  up  the 
State  banks,  make  no  run  upon  this  institution — it  is 
an  ill  bird  that  defiles  its  own  nest — and,  before  you 
depart,  gentlemen,  let  me  inform  you  that,  having  the 
greatest  regard  to  your  interest,,  we  have  determined 
upon  a  temporary  suspension,  as  a  mere  matter  of 
caution  against  the  intrigues  of  the  Whigs,  who,  we 
have  every  reason  to  believe,  actuated  by  their  im- 
placable hatred  of  the  New-Light .  Democracy,  will 
assail  this,  your  favorite  bank,  with  a  malevolence 
unexampled  in  all  their  past  career.  (Loud  cheers,  and 
cries  of  'Stand  by  the  bank.')  But,  Quodlibetarians, 
rally,  and  present  a  phalanx  more  terrible  than  the 
Macedonian  to  the  invader.  You  can — I  am  sure 
you  will — and,  therefore,  I  tell  you  your  bank  is 
safe." 

"We  can,  we  will!"  rose  from  the  whole  multitude, 
accompanied  with  cheers  that  might  vie  with  the  burst- 
ing of  the  ocean  surge. 

"Gentlemen,"  added  Mr.  Flam,  "I  thank  you  for 
the  manifestation  of  this  patriotic  sentiment.  It  is  no 
more  than  I  expected  of  Quodlibet.  In  conclusion,  I 
am  requested,  my  good  friends,  by  Mr.  Handy,  to  say 


QUODLIBET.  103 

that  having  just  prepared  some  notes  on  a  superior 
paper,  he  will  redeem  at  the  counter  any  old  ones  you 
may  chance  to  hold,  in  that  new  emission;  and  I  can 
with  pride  assure  you,  that  this  late  supply  is  equal, 
perhaps,  to  anything  that  has  ever  been  issued  in  the 
United  States.  With  my  best  wishes,  gentlemen,  for 
your  permanent  prosperity,  under  the  new  and  glorious 
dynasty  of  that  distinguished  New-Light  Democrat, 
whom  the  unbought  suffrages  of  millions  of  freemen 
have  called  to  the  supreme  executive  chair,  (cheers,) 
and  under  whose  lead  we  fondly  indulge  the  hope  of 
speedily  sweeping  from  existence  this  pestilential  brood 
of  Whig  banks,  I  respectfully  take  my  leave." 

Having  concluded  this  masterly  appeal  to  the  reason 
and  good  sense  of  the  people,  Mr.  Flam  withdrew 
under  nine  distinct  rounds  of  applause. 

The  effect  of  this  powerful  speech,  which  has  often 
since  been  compared  to  that  of  Cicero  against  Catiline, 
was  completely  to  still  the  public  mind  of  Quodlibet, 
and  also  to  remove  all  apprehensions  of  the  solidity  of 
our  bank.  But  its  happiest  feature  was  the  vindication 
of  the  bank  against  that  charge  of  treachery  and  in- 
gratitude which  so  justly  lies  at  the  door  of  all  the 
other  banks  of  the  country.  The  Patriotic  Copper- 
plate Bank  of  Quodlibet  was,  as  Mr.  Flam  observed, 
purely  Democratic — Democratic  in  its  origin,  in  its 
principles,  in  its  organization,  in  its  management,  in 
its  officers,  its  stockholders,  and  its  customers.  Such 
a  bank,  of  course,  could  not  be  unfaithful  to  the  Demo- 
cratic administration  that  fostered  it — infidelity  or 
ingratitude  to  party  is  no  inhabitant  of  a  Democratic 


104  QUODLIBET. 

bosom.  If  there  be  inert  upon  earth  who  go  all  lengths, 
through  thick  and  thin,  for  party,  it  is  (I  say  it  with 
pride)  the  genuine  New-Light  Quodlibetarian  Democ- 
racy. Our  hank,  therefore,  stands  uncontaminated 
by  that  revolting  perfidy  which,  at  the  instigation  of 
Biddle  and  the  Barings,  brought  all  the  other  banks, 
in  which  there  are  Whig  directors  or  officers,  into  the 
most  wicked  conspiracy  recorded  in  history. 

It  was  not  long  after  this  astounding  event  before 
the  opinions  uttered  above  were  fully  and  most  re- 
markably confirmed  by  a  letter  from  the  Hermitage;  a 
letter  which  for  its  shrewdness  of  view,  its  perspicacity, 
its  lucid  style  and  Hero-and-Sage-like  felicity  of  con- 
struction, is  unequaled  in  the  productions  of  the  vener- 
able Chief.  I  am  happy  to  insert  it  here,  as  a  most 
eloquent  exposition  of  the  causes  of  the  suspension — 
feeling  assured  that  its  distinguished  author  had  no 
reference  to  the  Democratic  banks,  and  especially  none 
to  ours  of  Quodlibet,  but  intended  it  entirely  for  the 
vile  Whigs. 

"The  history  of  the  world,"  says  this  immortal  man, 
writing  July  ninth,  to  the  virgin-minded,  tremulously- 
sensitive,  and  unrewarded  editor  of  the  Globe,  "  never 
has  recorded  such  base  treachery  and  perfidy  as  has 
been  committed  by  the  deposit  banks  against  the  govern- 
ment, and  purely  with  a  view  of  gratifying  Biddle  and 
the  Barings,  and  by  the  suspension  of  specie  payments, 
degrade,  embarrass,  and  ruin,  if  they  could,  their  own 
country,  for  the  selfish  views  of  making  large  profits 
by  throwing  out  millions  of  depreciated  paper  upon 
the  people — selling  their  specie  at  large  premiums,  and 


QUODLIBET.  105 

buying  up  their  own  paper  at  discounts  of  from  25  to 
50  per  cent.,  and  now  looking  forward  to  be  indulged 
in  these  speculations  for  years  to  come  before  they  re- 
sume specie  payments  " 

Oracular  old  man !  Sage  and  Seer !  Priest  and  Pro- 
phet to  lead  thine  Israelites  beyond  Jordan  !  Happy 
do  I,  S.  S.,  Schoolmaster  of  Quodlibet,  account  myself 
that  I  have  lived  in  this  thy  day  ! 


106  QUODLIBET. 


CHAPTER  VIII. 

SIGNS  OF    DISCORD   IN    QUODLIBET — THE   IRON-RAILING   CONTROVERSY 

AGAMEMNON    FLAG'S    NOMINATION REVOLT    OF    THEODORE  FOG 

THE    CELEBRATED    SPLIT CONSEQUENCES  OF  JESSE    FERRET'S    PER- 
NICIOUS   DOGMA    IN    REFERENCE    TO    PUBLICANS FIRST     FRUITS    OF 

THE    SPLIT    MANIFESTED  AT    MRS.  FERRET'S    TEA  DRINKING GRAVE 

REFLECTIONS    BY   THE   AUTHOR — MORAL. 

THE  exciting  summer  of  1837,  with  the  special 
election  of  a  member  of  Congress  for  the  extra  session 
— to  which  we  returned  our  long-tried  and  faithful 
representative,  Mr.  Middleton  Flam,  almost  without 
opposition — went  by.  All  eyes  were  turned  upon  the 
proceedings  of  Congress  at  that  extra  sitting;  and  a 
great  many  speculations  were  afloat  in  Quodlibet, 
where,  I  am  pained  to  disclose  the  fact,  very  serious 
contrariety  of  opinion  began  to  spring  up  in  reference 
to  the  Sub-Treasury.  Our  State  election,  for  members 
of  the  Legislature,  was  to  come  on  in  October,  and  a 
convention,  called  for  the  purpose,  had  nominated 
Agamemnon  Flag,  at  the  head  of  the  ticket,  with 
Abram  Schoolcraft,  the  nursery  man  in  Bickerbray, 
and  Curtius  Short,  Cheap  store-keeper  in  Tumble- 
down, as  the  Regular  New-Light  Democratic  Quod- 
libetarian  candidates.  Unhappily  this  nomination 
gave  dissatisfaction  to  numbers  of  our  friends.  Aga- 
memnon Flag,  who  was  the  only  stump  man  on  the 
ticket,  (Schoolcraft  and  Short  having  expressly  stipu- 


QUODLIBET.  107 

lated  that  they  were  not  to  be  called  on  to  speak  in  the 
canvass,)  was  a  young  member  of  the  bar,  comparatively 
a  stranger  to  many  in  the  Borough,  (having  within  the 
last  year  removed  from  Bickerbray,)  and,  laboring 
under  the  infirmity  of  short-sightedness,  wore  a  delicate 
pair  of  gold  spectacles.  I  have  observed  that  short- 
sighted persons  in  general  are  not  apt  to  be  popular 
in  a  Democratic  government. 

But  there  was  another  matter  that  operated  against 
Agamemnon.  Quodlibet  had  been  made  the  county- 
seat  of  justice  by  an  act  of  the  last  Legislature,  and 
we  were  just  finishing  a  court-house  which,  in  antici- 
pation of  this  event,  we  had  commenced  a  year  before. 
A  question  arose  among  the  townspeople,  whether 
the  court-house  square  should  be  surrounded  by  a 
wooden  or  by  an  iron  railing.  This  question  created 
great  agitation.  Several  Whigs  of  the  Borough  made 
themselves  active  in  the  debate,  and  went  for  the  iron. 
The  New-Light  Quods  were  strong  for  wood.  Aga- 
memnon Flag,  seeing  that  a  great  deal  of  ill  blood  was 
getting  up  between  the  parties,  made  a  speech  to  a 
town  meeting  on  this  subject,  and  went  in  for  a  com- 
promise-— he  was  for  wood  on  the  two  sides  and  lack 
of  the  square,  and  iron  in  front.  This  proposition  he 
advocated  with  great  earnestness  and  ability,  and  finally 
carried  his  point  by  a  close  vote.  The  wooden  party 
said  that  the  vote  was  not  a  fair  one,  and  that  they 
could  not  regard  it  as  a  legitimate  expression  of  the 
popular  voice,  because  it  was  taken  just  as  a  shower  of 
rain  was  coming  up,  when  many  persons  present  who 
had  come  without  umbrellas  had  given  no  heed  to  the 
question,  and  voted  as  it  were  in  the  dark.  However, 


108  QUODLIBET. 

the  vote  was  not  recalled,  and  the  iron  railing  is  now 
in  a  course  of  fabrication  over  at  the  Hogback  Forge, 
which  happens  unluckily  to  be  owned  by  Stephen  P. 
Crabstock,  one  of  the  most  bull-headed  Whigs  in  this 
county,  the  job  being  given  by  the  commissioners  to 
him  in  consequence  of  there  being  no  genuine  New- 
Light  Democratic  iron  works  in  this  part  of  the 
county. 

When  Agamemnon  Flag  was  brought  out  at  the 
head  of  the  ticket  for  the  Legislature,  nothing  was  said 
about  the  iron  railing,  and  we  had  good  reason  to  sup- 
pose that  every  true  Quod  would  support  the  nomina- 
tion; which  in  fact  was  made  by  the  direction  of  our 
honorable  representative  in  Congress,  who  had  a  great 
liking  for  Flag  in  consequence  of  a  very  beautifully 
written  memoir  of  Mr.  Flam,  which  appeared  two  years 
ago  in  the  Bickerbray  Scrutinizer,  when  Flag  lived  in 
that  town.  In  point  of  principle,  Agamemnon  was 
altogether  unexceptionable.  He  was  an  out-and-out 
Flamite  of  the  first  water,  and  an  unadulterated  Quod- 
libetarian  in  every  sentiment. 

Theodore  Fog — I  regret  to  be  obliged  to  mention 
his  name  in  any  terms  of  -disparagement,  because  he  is 
unquestionably  a  man  of  talents  and  a  true-bred  New 
Light,  and  certainly  we  owe  Theodore  a  good  deal- — 
had  been  very  sour  for  some  time  past.  He  had  never 
forgotten  the  making  of  Middleton  Flam  President  of 
the  bank.  I  have  in  a  former  chapter  hinted  somewhat 
of  Theodore's  unfortunate  habits.  Dolet  mihi, — I  grieve 
to  repeat  these  things.  But  the  truth  must  be  told. 
His  diurnal  aberrations  became  at  length  so  conspicuous 
that,  after  being  twice  elected  a  Director  of  the  bank, 


QUODLIBET.  109 

his  name  was  struck  off  the  ticket  and  Anthony  Hard- 
bottle's  substituted  in  his  place.  Theodore  never  had 
much  practice  at  the  bar,  although  he  considers  him- 
self the  founder  of  that  fraternity  at  Quodlibet,  being 
for  a  season  the  only  lawyer  in  the  Borough.  That 
little  practice  had  now  pretty  nearly  left  him;  in  con- 
sequence of  which  he  thought  himself  badly  used,  and 
therefore  entitled  to  a  support  from  the  public.  These 
feelings  operating  upon  his  mind,  induced  him,  soon 
after  the  nomination  of  Agamemnon  Flag,  to  come  out 
in  opposition  and  declare  himself  an  Independent 
Candidate. 

The  Whigs,  taking  advantage  of  this  split  in  the 
party,  brought  out  Andy  Grant,  son  of  old  Michael  of 
the  Hogback;  a  young  man  of  fair  character,  but 
wholly  and  fatally  imbued  with  those  dangerous  opin- 
ions which  have  already  brought  so  many  misfortunes 
upon  our  country. 

This  was  the  state  of  things  at  the  commencement 
of  the  month  of  September;  and  it  will  be  seen  in  the 
sequel  that  very  serious  difficulties  grew  out  of  this 
division. 

A  meeting  of  the  voters  of  the  county,  which  included 
the  three  towns  of  Quodlibet,  Tumbledown,  and  Bicker- 
bray,  was  called  at  the  Sycamore  Spring,  upon  the 
Rumblebottom,  about  five  miles  below  Quodlibet.  This 
meeting  was  to  be  held  on  the  eighth.  A  reference  to 
these  events  is  necessary  to  explain  the  scene  which  I 
am  about  to  present  to  my  reader. 

Jesse  Ferret,  as  my  reader  knows,  had  brought  him- 
self into  some  scandal  by  his  indefinite  political  senti- 
ments, and  that  most  unquodlibetarian  dogma  that  "  a 
10 


110  QUODLIBET. 

Publican  should  have  no  side."  Now,  Mrs.  Ferret  and 
her  daughter,  Susan  Barndollar,  were  just  antipodes  to 
Jesse.  Two  truer  women,  more  firm-set  in  the  New- 
Light  Democracy,  more  constant  in  opinion,  whether 
in  the  utterance  thereof  or  in  its  quality,  and  better 
able  to  hold  their  own,  have  I  never  chanced  to  meet, 
than  this  respectable  mother  and  daughter.  It  is 
common  to  say  women  are  not  allowed  a  voice  in  our 
government.  My  faith !  these  two  ladies  had  a  voice 
in  Quodlibet,  allowed  or  not  allowed- — let  the  theory  go 
as  it  may: — and  Jesse  Ferret  knows  that  full  well. 

Mrs.  Ferret  is  what  we  call  a  fleshy  or  lusty  woman : 
she  weighed  two  hundred  and  twelve,  in  Neal  Hopper's 
new  one-sided  patent  scale  at  the  mill.  She  is  amaz- 
ingly well  padded  with  fat  across  the  shoulders,  and 
has  a  craw-shaped  bosom  that  in  some  degree  en- 
croaches upon  her  neck ;  and  she  is  famous  for  wearing 
a  large  frilled  and  quilled  cap  with  many  blue  ribbons, 
being  a  little  given  to  finery.  Although  Susan  Barn- 
dollar  was  grown  up  and  married,  Mrs.  Ferret  had  a 
child  in  the  arms  at  that  time;  and  Jesse  has  even 
boasted,  within  the  last  five  years,  of  running  two 
cradles  at  one  time. 

It  was  on  the  evening  of  the  seventh  of  September, 
the  night  before  the  meeting  at  the  Sycamore  Spring, 
when  Mrs.  Ferret  had  a  tea  drinking  in  the  back 
parlor,  at  which  I,  the  only  one  of  the  masculine,  was 
present  as  a  guest.  Mrs.  Younghusband  was  of  the  party, 
and  Mrs.  Snuffers,  with  her  interesting  fat  female  infant 
nine  months  old;  the  same  dear  child  whose  arrange- 
ments to  appear  in  this  world  of  cares  procured  me  the 
honor  of  presiding  over  the  New  Light,  on  the  memor- 


QUODLIBET.  Ill 

able  occasion  of  Mr.  Flam's  great  speech  at  Christmas, 
whereof  I  have  spoken  in  a  former  chapter :  thanks  to 
Mrs.  Snuffers  for  that  considerate  favor !  This  good 
lady  was  there ;  and  these  two,  with  the  addition  of 
Miss  Hardbottle,  elder  sister  of  Barndollar  &  Hard- 
bottle,  and  Mrs.  Susan  Barndollar,  who  lived  at  home 
with  her  mother,  made  up  the  company. 

"There  is  one  thing,"  said  Mrs.  Ferret,  as  she 
rocked  herself  in  a  huge  hickory  arm-chair,  which  had 
been  built  on  purpose  for  her,  "that  I  do  hold  in 
despise ;  and  that  is,  one  of  these  here  men  who  haint 
got  no  opinions.  Ef  you  believe  me,  Mrs.  Snuffers, 
that  man  Jesse  Ferret — this  woman's  father,  (pointing 
to  Mrs.  Barndollar,)  God  forgive  me  that  I  should  say 
any  think  aginst  my  datur's  own  lawful  flesh  and  blood ! 
— but  he's  actelly  afeard  to  go  down  to-morrow  to  the 
Sycamore  Spring  to  hear  the  tongue-lashing  which 
Theodore  Fog,  which  is  a  man  I  always  respected — 
they  say  he  drinks,  but  there's  many  a  man  which 
don't  drink,  hasn't  half  his  brains — Jesse's  actelly 
afeard  to  go  and  hear  how  Theodore  will  use  up  Ag 
Flag  and  Andy  Grant  both  at  the  same  time,  least 
they  might  be  for  making  him  take  sides,  which  he 
hasn't  the  spunk  to  do.  My  patience !  but  it  would  be 
nuts  to  me  to  hear  the  speechification ! — and,  to  think 
of  it — that  man  hasn't  the  heart  of  a  goose  to  go  to 
the  meeting!" 

"Ah,  Mrs.  Ferret,"  said  Mrs.  Snuffers,  talking  as 
if  she  had  a  cold  in  the  head,  her  voice  being  husky, 
in  fact,  from  having  taken  a  large  pinch  of  snuff, 
"  them  politicks — them  politicks !  Poor  Mr.  Snuffers ! 
— dear  man :  I  'spose  you  know  he  is  President  of  the 


112  QUODLIBET. 

New  Light;  he's  losing  his  naiteral  rest  upon  account 
of  that  split.  He  put  in  his  wote  in  the  conwention 
for  Ag,  as  innocent  as  a  lamb,  and  here  comes  up  that 
obstropolus  iron  railing,  and  smashes  all  the.  New 
Lights  into  outer  darkness,  with  divisions  and  conten- 
tions and  all  sorts  of  infractions.  Mr.  Snuffers  says 
he  shouldn't  wonder  if  that  unfortnate  step  should 
take  the  Hay  Scales  from  him  and  leave  me  and  this 
here  innocent  darlin'  babe  in  a  state  of  destitution. 
Oh  them  politicks  !" 

"Well,  let  people  stand  by  their  colors,  says  I," 
interposed  Mrs.  Barndollar,  tartly,  with  a  sharp  shake 
of  her  head;  " I  go  with  my  ma,  although  pa  is  pa.  I 
think  people  ought  to  speak  what  they  please,  and 
mean  what  they  please ;  and  it's  a  mean  thing  not  to 
do  so,  and  that's  gospel  truth,  or  else  this  is  not  a  free 
country.  Ma  is  right ;  and  if  Mr.  Snuffers  is  what 
Mr.  Barndollar  calls  a  Whole  Hog,  he'll  not  mind  tho 
people  a  jot,  but  go  with  his  party ;  that's  the  law. 
And  I  don't  agree  by  no  means  with  ma,  in  going  for 
Theodore  against  the  nomination." 

"Susan  Barndollar,  are  you  in  earnest?"  inquired 
her  affectionate  ma.  "Who  put  it  into  your  head  to 
underrate  and  strangle  down  Theodore  Fog,  the  oldest 
friend  we  have  had  sence  we  came  to  Quodlibet  ?  and 
who  brings  more  custom  to  our  bar  than  the  whole 
New-Light  Club  put  together.  Susan,  Susan,  I  hope 
Jacob  hain't  been  putting  none  of  these  ungrateful 
ideers  into  your  breast.  Ef  this  house  of  ours,  com- 
monly called  and  known  by  the  name  of  The  Hero, 
ought  to  go  for  any  human,  mortal,  individual  man, 
that  man  is  Theodore  Fog.  Ef  he  is  a  little  exintric 


QUODLIBET.  113 

in  regard  of  his  drinking,  it  won't  be  no  new  think  in 
the  Legislater,  ef  the  tenth  part  of  what  I  heerd  is  true. 
Ladies — tea,"  said  the  dame,  as  at  this  time  a  negro 
woman  entered  with  a  tray  filled  with  great  store  of 
provender — "help  yourself,  Mrs.  Younghusband — take 
a  plate  on  your  knee,  and  fork  up  one  of  them  war- 
fields — and  take  care  of  your  gown,  they're  a  dripping 
with  butter.  Mr.  Secondthoughts,  what  under  heaven 
has  become  of  your  perliteness  that  you  can  see  Mrs. 
Younghusband  a  fishing  up  that  briled  dried  beef  with- 
out her  fork  no  more  sticking  in  it  than  if  it  was  a  live 
eel  in  the  gravy!" 

"Never  mind  me,  Mrs.  Ferret,"  replied  Mrs.  Young- 
husband,  "and  don't  be  a  troublin'  the  schoolmaster  on 
my  account.  They  do  say  that  there's  some  persons 
as  hard  to  catch  and  pin  down  as  hung  beef  crisped 
and  floating  in  butter,  and  as  you  justly  remarked,  a 
while  ago,  one  of  these  persons  is  not  a  hundred  miles 
off  from  this  house :"  and  here  this  good  woman 
laughed  heartily  at  her  own  joke. 

"  Oh  Jesse  Ferret,  in  course  !"  exclaimed  the  land- 
lady. 

"My  pa  !"  said  Mrs.  Barndollar,  joining  in  the  laugh. 

"As  Mr.  Ferret  hasn't  got  many  friends  here,"  said 
Miss  Hardbottle,  "I'll  be  one.  I  think  he  is  quite 
right,  if  he  has  no  opinions,  not  to  express  them. 
Don't  you  think  so,  Mr.  Secondthoughts  ?" 

"Madam,"  said  I  in  a  very  grave  manner,  "if  I 
might  be  allowed  to  express  myself  freely,  I  would 
venture  to  remark,  that  it  is  very  important  to  the 
ascendency  of  the  New-Light  Quodlibetarian  Demo- 
cratic party,  that  there  should  be  no  strife  nor  division 
10* 


114  QUODLIBET. 

in  our  ranks ;  and  that,  feeling  the  importance  of  this " 
sentiment,  it  is  one  of  our  fundamental  principles  to  go 
with  the  majority — whenever  it  can  be  ascertained. 
Now  between  Agamemnon  Flag  and  Theodore  Fog — " 

"  Theodore  Fog  is  sich  a  good  creature !"  interrupted 
Mrs.  Ferret. 

"  Ag  is  a  dear  young  man,"  said  Mrs.  Barndollar. 

"As  for  that,  ladies,"  said  Miss  Hardbottle,  "  if  you 
speak  of  goodness  or  beauty,  Andy  Grant  can  beat 
either,  though  he  is  a  Whig." 

"  Hester  Hardbottle  !"  shouted  Mrs.  Ferret. 

"Hester  Hardbottle!"  shouted  Mrs.  Snuffers. 

"  Hester  Hardbottle  !"  shouted  Mrs.  Younghusband. 

"  Hester  Hardbottle !"  shouted  Mrs.  Barndollar— 
all  four  at  once. 

"I  do  think  so,"  said  Miss  Hardbottle,  sharply, 
"  and  what  I  do  think,  I  say." 

"  You  have  no  right  to  say  it,  madam,"  said  Mrs. 
Barndollar. 

"Free  country,"  said  Miss  Hardbottle. 

"No  such  a  thing  for  Whigs,"  quickly  returned  Mrs. 
Barndollar. 

"Ladies!  ladies!  ladies!"  said  I,  "peace,  if  you 
please:"  but  there  was  no  peace,  for  these  excellent 
females  soon  got  into  such  a  state  of  confusion  in  the 
attack  and  defense  of  Andy  Grant,  that  I  believe  the 
tea-party  would  have  broken  up  in  a  state  of  rebellion, 
if  it  had  not  been  for  the  entrance  of  Mr.  Ferret  in  the 
very  height  of  the  tumult.  His  appearance  gave  another 
turn  to  the  conversation,  for  it  all  turned  upon  him. 

"  And  so  you  are  not  going  to  the  Sycamore  Spring 
to-morrow,"  cried  one. 


QUODLIBET.  115 

"And  I  'spose  you  won't  vote  for  Theodore  Fog," 
said  Number  Two. 

"  Nor  for  Ag  Flag,"  said  Number  Three. 

"  But  you  will  drop  in  a  sly  ticket  for  Andy  Grant, 
may  be,  at  last,  ef  no  one  should  find  you  out,"  said 
Mrs.  Ferret,  who  in  this  series  counted  Number  Four. 
"  Oh  Jesse  Ferret,  ef  you  had  a  drop  of  blood  in  you 
that  wasn't  milk-and-water,  you  would  be  ashamed  of 
sich  shilly-shally  conduct,  that  even  the  women  makes 
you  a  laughing-stock  !" 

"Wife,"  said  Jesse,  taking  a  fierce  stand  in  self- 
defense,  "  drop  it !  If  my  blood  was  milk-and-water, 
it  would  be  curds-and-whey  before  this  time.  I  tell 
you  again,  old  lady,  a  Publican's  got  no  right  to  have 
sentiments.  The  party's  double  splitted,  and  no  man 
knows  which  way  to  turn  himself.  There's  that  cursed 
Iron  Railing;  and  there's  that  infernal  Suspension; 
and  there's  the  Divorce  of  the  Government  from  bed 
and  board  with  the  banks,  that  everybody's  talking 
about;  and  there's  Purse  and  Sword,  and  Specie  Cir- 
clar,  and  Mint  Drops,  and  the  Lord  knows  what;  that 
a  poor,  sinful,  infallible  tavern  keeper  doesn't  know 
who's  who,  and  what's  what.  I'm  sure  I  can't  tell 
whether  I'm  on  my  head  or  my  heels ;  and  if  I  was  to 
go  down  yonder  to  the  Sycamore  Spring  and  hear  all 
the  palavering  there,  I  should  get  so  flustrated  I 
wouldn't  know  which  eend  of  me  went,  foremost.  So, 
I  tell  you  I'll  stay  at  home  and  stick  to  my  motto : — 
that's  as  good  as  if  I  swore  to  it.  Solomon  Second- 
thoughts,  ain't  I  right?" 

"Jesse,"  said  I,  mildly,  "have  you  any  respect  for 


116  QUODLIBET. 

the  opinion  of  our  distinguished  representative,  my 
former  pupil,  Middleton  Flam?" 

"Well,  I  voted  for  him,"  replied  Jesse. 

"Then,"  said  I,  "I  admit  there  is  a  great  per- 
plexity about  all  these  public  measures  and  men,  just 
at  this  time ;  and  I  am  willing  to  allow  that  the  New- 
Light  Democracy  do  not  as  yet-  exactly  understand 
their  own  minds;  and  therefore  it  is  quite  lawful  to 
pause  and  look  about  you  before  you  take  your  stand. 
This  thing  is  certain,  that  the  New-Light  Democracy 
will  undoubtedly  go  with  the  government,  whatever 
line  it  chalks  out  for  following  the  footsteps  of  its" 
illustrious  predecessor.  Whether  that  line  shall  lead 
us  North  or  South,  East  or  West,  my  poor  skill  is  not 
able  to  instruct  you.  Whether  we  are  for  the  banks 
or  against  them,  is  yet  undecided,  since  we  are  pledged 
at  least  in  favor  of  our  own.  In  a  Quodlibetarian 
sense,  I  do  not  scruple  to  affirm  that  we  are  against 
the  banks  and  for  the  divorce ;  but  in  a  private  sense 
that  opinion  will  require  some  reflection.  Mr.  Flam 
will  be  home  from  Congress  before  long,  and  until  then 
we  shall  suspend  our  opinion.  We  are,  at  all  hazards, 
real  Flam  men.  Flam — I  drop  the  mister  when  I 
speak  of  him  as  a  principle — is  our  polar  star — our 
cynosure  in  politics — our  Pisgah,  which  gives  us  a  view 
of  the  Promised  Land.  As  a  principle,  our  New-Light 
Democracy  is  ,all  out-and-out  Flam.  Flam  is  our 
father,  our  guide,  our  Pillar  of  Cloud.  Wait  till  Mid- 
dleton Flam  comes  home." 

Having  thrown  out  these  well-weighed  and  senten- 
tious remarks,  both  for  the  women  and  for  Jesse,  I  was 
inwardly  delighted  to  see  how  soothing  was  the  effect 


QUODLIBET.  117 

upon  my  auditory ;  and  as  it  is  a  precept  inculcated  by 
some  sage  observer  of  mankind,  I  forget  his  name,  to 
leave  your  company  when  you  have  made  an  agreeable 
impression  upon  them,  I  did  not  tarry  for  further  con- 
verse, but  took  up  my  hat  and  stick,  and  bade  my 
worthy  friends  "good  night." 

Upon  my  return  to  iny  lodgings,  I  sat  down  and 
made  the  foregoing  narration  of  what  had  passed  in 
my  presence,  and  I  have  incorporated  the  same  into 
this  history,  with  no  little  mortification;  feeling  my- 
self compelled  thereto  by  the  consideration  that  the 
scene  I  have  described,  being,  as  it  were,  the  first 
fruits  of  that  unhappy  dissension  which  grew  up  among 
the  New  Lights,  and  a  significant  commentary  thereon, 
it  may  serve  in  the  way  of  warning  to  all  good  Quod- 
libetarian  Democrats  who  may  chance  to  peruse  these 
pages,  against  the  folly  of  ever  allowing  themselves  to 
have  any  individual  opinions,  when  the  leaders  and 
marshals  of  the  party  shall  have  taken  the  trouble  off 
their  hands  of  thinking  and  determining  for  them. 
And,  indeed,  the  moral  may  be  carried  further.  For 
it  is  obvious,  if  Jesse  Ferret  had  acted  in  the  spirit  and 
the  intelligence  of  a  true  Quod,  he  would  have  ascer- 
tained the  majority  and  gone  with  it ;  instead  of  which, 
he  intrenched  himself  behind  this  fortress  of  neutrality, 
comprehended  in  the  absurd  dogma  that  a  Publican 
ought  to  have  no  sides.  Undoubtedly,  the  true  precept 
should  be  in  all  cases  of  public  servants,  "  Take  the 
upper  side."  Thereon  chiefly  hangs  the  Quodlibetarian 
theory.  -  .- 


118  QUODLIBET. 


CHAPTER  IX. 

GREAT   MEETING   AT    THE    SYCAMORE    SPRING-^SOME    DESCRIPTION    OF 

THE    ARRANGEMENTS NICODEMUS    HANDY    CHOSEN    TO    PRESIDE    ON 

THIS  OCCASION  —  MOTION  TO  THAT  EFFECT  BY  MR.  SNUFFERS  — 
THIS  WORTHY  GENTLEMAN'S  MISFORTUNE HIS  ESCAPE — SUCCESS- 
FUL ORGANIZATION  OF  THE  MEETING. 

THE  morning  of  the  8th  of  September,  Anno  Domini 
1837,  was  cloudless  and  cool.  The  dust  had  been  laid 
by  a  shower  of  rain  a  little  before  daylight,  and  the 
day  therefore  was  auspicious  to  the  wishes  of  all  who 
proposed  to  assemble  at  the  Sycamore  Spring.  By 
eight  o'clock  Ante  Meridiem,  Nicodemus  Handy's 
barouche,  with  two  beautiful  bays,  stood  upon  the 
gravel  before  Handy  House  on  Copperplate  Ridge. 
Agamemnon  Flag,  attired  in  a  new  blue  coat  with 
figured  gilt  buttons,  white  waistcoat,  india-rubber 
watch-guard,  snowy  pantaloons  of  very  fine  drilling, 
and  boots  of  drab  prunelle,  tipped  at  the  toes  with 
polished  French  leather,  a  watered-silk  cravat,  and 
gold  spectacles,  sat  at  the  breakfast-table  with  Mrs. 
Handy  and  Henrietta,  her  daughter — the  smallest,  the 
neatest,  and  the  best-shaped  female,  it  is  said  by  those 
who  pretend  to  be  judges,  in  Quodlibet. 

Nicodemus  was  in  a  flurry.  He  had  swallowed  his 
breakfast  with  great  dispatch.,  and  four  servants  were 
busily  in  attendance  upon  him.  Sam,  the  waiter,  was 
beating  time  in  the  hall  with  a  corn  whisk  alternately 


QUODLIBET.  119 

upon  the  person  of  his  master  and  his  left  hand,  after 
a  very  favorite  and  ingenious  fashion  of  dusting  a  gen- 
tleman's coat,  only  known  to  and  practiced  by  that 
musical  race  of  colored  dandies,  of  which  Sam  was  a 
first-rate  specimen.  Sarah,  a  lady  of  Sam's  complexion, 
Mrs.  Handy's  maid,  was  running  up  stairs  to  sprinkle 
some  verbena  perfume  on  Mr.  Handy's  cambric  hand- 
kerchief; William  was  smoothing  the  nap  of  his  glossy- 
black  Brewster  with  a  brush  as  soft  as  silk ;  and  Mrs. 
Trotter,  the  housekeeper,  was  arranging  a  basket  of 
sandwiches  and  a  bottle  of  Rudesheimer  to  be  stowed 
away  in  the  box  of  the  back  seat  of  the  barouche.  The 
coachman,  in  a  sky-blue  frock,  and  hat  with  gold  band 
secured  by  a  huge  buckle,  was  in  his  seat  holding  the 
reins,  every  moment  speaking  to  the  horses  to  make 
them  restive,  and  then  whipping  them  for  not  standing 
still.  The  whole  scene  was  one  eminently  calculated 
to  disprove  that  stale  Whig  slander  which  purports  to 
affirm  that  "all  the  decency"  was  in  their  ranks: — 
nothing  could  be  more  striking  than  this  refutation  of 
it.  And  as  I  was  myself  present — having  called  in  at 
that  moment  to  deliver  a  message  from  the  New -Light 
Club  to  Mr.  Handy,  apprising  him  of  their  intention 
to  move  that  he  should  act  as  chairman  of  the  meeting 
to  be  held  at  the  Sycamore  Spring — I  witnessed  with 
lively  satisfaction  the  very  decided  impression  of  pleas- 
ure made  upon  an  assemblage  of  New  Lights,  who 
stood  looking  on  outside  of  the  front  gate,  by  this 
triumphant  vindication  of  our  party  from  the  malevolent 
insinuations  of  the  Whig  press. 

Agamemnon  Flag  seemed  to  be  very  much  at  his 
ease,  and  to  be  thinking  but  little  about  the  meeting, 


120  QUODLIBET. 

while  he  sat  uttering  some  pleasant  things  to  Miss 
Handy ; — at  least  I  suppose  they  must  have  been  pleas- 
ant to  her,  as  she  and  her  mother  hoth  laughed  a  good 
deal  at  what  he  said.  By-the-by,  there  is  a  report  in 
the  Borough,  that  Ag  is  making  up  to  this  young  lady, 
which  will  be  a  grand  thing  for  him  if  she  favors  him, 
since  she  is  an  only  child,  and  Nicodemus  is  amazingly 
rich. 

"  God  bless  me,  my  dear !"  said  Mr.  Handy,  breaking 
away  from  Sam's  whisk,  and  speaking  after  the  manner 
of  a  table  of  contents,  (a  habit  which  he  has  acquired 
since  he  has  grown  rich,)  "past  eight  o'clock — I'm 
to  be  the  chairman  of  that  meeting — ought  to  be 
early  on  the  ground — five  miles  off — no  time  for  non- 
sense now — you  and  Henrietta  and  Ag — have  to 
drive  like  lightning — barbacue,  my  dear — want  to  see 
the  arrangements  before  the  voters  arrive — the  school- 
master will  take  a  seat  along  side  of  Nace." 

"Thank  you  kindly,"  said  I ;  "I  accept  your  offer 
with  great  pleasure." 

"  Shan't  want  William,"  he  added,  referring  to  the 
servant  who  generally  rode  with  the  coachman — "upon 
second  thoughts,  will  put  our  Secondthoughts  inside 
— ha  !  ha  ! — must  have  William — shall  want  him ;  you 
can  sit  (speaking  to  me)  on  the  front  seat — Ag  and  I 
behind — offer  the  other  seat  to  Barndollar — want  to  be 
civil  to  him,  my  dear — come,  hurry,  hurry,  hurry! — 
William,  get  on  your  livery  and  be  prepared  to  mount 
beside  Nace." 

As  it  was  very  manifest  that  Mr.  Handy  was  really 
in  a  hurry — as  very  opulent  men  are  exceedingly  apt 
to  be — there  was  of  course  a  great  bustle  to  accomme- 


QUODLIBET.  121 

date  him,  by  getting  off.  Agamemnon  immediately 
rose  from  the  hreakfast-table,  and,  taking  up  his  super- 
fine Leghorn  hat,  which  was  very  chastely  adorned 
with  a  light  yellow  ribbon  band,  the  ends  whereof  hung 
a  little  over  the  rim,  he  put  it  gently  on  his  head,  and 
then  standing  before  the  ladies,  asked  them  with  very 
apparent  complacency,  whether  they  thought  he  was  in 
good  trim  to  appear  before  the  Democracy — and  having 
received  answer  that  "he  was  exactly  the  thing,"  he 
signified  his  readiness  to  depart;  whereupon  we  all 
bustled  out  to  the  barouche  and  took  our  seats.  William 
clambered  into  his  place,  and  away  we  went  at  full  trot, 
down  to  The  Hero  to  take  up  Jacob  Barndollar. 

When  we  arrived  at  the  tavern  door,  we  found  there 
Nim  Porter's  trotting  buggy  with  his  stub-tailed  gray. 
Nim  himself  appeared  on  the  steps  in  a  big  broad- 
brimmed  low-crowned  Russia  blue  hat,  set  very  know- 
ingly over  his  right  eye,  with  a  long  taper  whip  in  his 
hand ;  and  before  we  could  take  up  Mr.  Barndollar, 
this  most  good  natured  of  bar-keepers,  with  an  agility 
not  to  be  expected  in  so  fat  a  person,  sprang  up  into 
his  tub-shaped  seat,  which  held  him  about  as  compactly 
as  the  shell  of  an  acorn  holds  the  nut,  and  spreading 
the  skirts  of  his  green  coatee  with  steel  buttons  over 
the  periphery  of  the  same,  darted  off  at  a  speed  of 
about  fifteen  miles  to  the  hour,  down  the  Rumblebottom 
road.  During  this  time  Mrs.  Ferret  filled  the  front 
door,  and  Mrs.  Barndollar  was  looking  over  her  shoulder, 
while  they  both  opened  their  batteries  upon  poor  Jesse 
Ferret,  in  a  contemporaneous  objurgation  of  his  mean- 
spiritedness,  addressed  to  Mr.  Handy  in  the  barouche, 
but  intended  for  the  master  of  the  hotel,  who  looked 
11 


122  QUODLIBET. 

rather  sheepishly  through  the  window  of  the  bar-room. 
Before  he  could  say  anything  in  his  own  defense, 
and  even  before  the  amiable  ladies  of  his  family  were 
done  talking,  Jacob  Barndollar  came  out,  and  got  into 
the  barouche ;  and  as  Mr.  Handy  was  growing  more 
and  more  impatient,  he  ordered  Nace  to  lose  no  time, 
and  so  off  we  started.  As  well  as  I  could  judge, 
from  looking  back,  until  we  turned  down  by  Christy 
M' Curdy 's  mill,  Mrs.  Ferret  was  still  arguing  her  case 
in  the  front  door  of  The  Hero. 

All  the  roads  leading  to  the  Sycamore  Spring  were 
filled  with  persons  on  horseback,  on  foot,  in  gigs,  bug- 
gies, barouches,  and  rattle-traps  of  every  sort.  It 
was  obvious  we  were  going  to  have  a  great  meeting. 
Before  nine  o'clock,  Mr.  Handy  was  on  the  ground. 
About  a  hundred  persons  were  already  there.  Booths 
were  scattered  along  under  the  huge  elms  and  sycamores 
which  shaded  a  low  flat  upon  the  margin  of  the  Rum- 
blebottom.  The  fine,  copious,  old  spring — where  there 
has  been  many  a  barbacue  in  my  time — was  pouring 
out  its  crystal  treasures,  as  some  poet  says,  with  prodi- 
gal bounty,  and  transferring  them,  as  the  Secretary 
does  the  deposits,  by  large  draughts,  from  the  living 
rock  to  the  running  Rumblebottom  —  in  fact,  taking 
them  out  of  one  bank,  and  distributing  them  between 
others.  Not  far  from  this  spring,  adumbrated  by  over- 
arching boughs — the  reader  will  excuse  this  poetical 
orgasm — for  fifteen  years  and  upwards  have  I  been 
visiting  this  fountain,  sacred  to  Pan,  (we  used  to  have 
fish  frys  here,)  and  have  ever  grown  poetical  at  the 
sight  thereof — it  is  my  infirmity:  not  far  from  the 
spring  stood  the  tables — boards  on  trestles,  and  on  the 


QUODLIBET.  123 

boards  trenchers  filled  with  cubic  sections  of  beef,  lamb, 
mutton,,  and  ham,  interspersed  with  pyramids  of  bread 
— a  goodly  sight !  Upon  skids,  remote  from  the  tables, 
stood  a  barrel  of  old  Monongahela,  and  hard  by  in  a 
cart,  tumblers,  pitchers,  noggins,  and  bottles.  Far  off, 
at  the  opposite  confine  of  this  field  of  action,  was  a 
stage  erected,  with  a  chair  for  the  President  of  the  day, 
and  benches  of  unplaned  board  for  persons  of  inferior 
dignity.  Everything  was  in  order;  and  now  that  Mr. 
Handy  had  arrived  he  had  nothing  to  do  but  wait  for 
the  gathering  in  of  the  people. 

Presently  Mr.  Grant,  mounted  on  a  large  bow-necked 
bay,  arrived,  with  his  four  sons,  all  men  grown,  of 
a  rustic,  farmer-like  complexion ;  they  were  attended 
by  Augustus  Postlethwaite  Tompkinson,  of  The  Whole 
Team,  and  some  dozen  Whigs  from  Thorough  Blue,  who 
had  traveled  as  far  as  Mr.  Grant's  the  night  before, 
and  now  made  a  very  solid  and  formidable  troop. 
Andrew  Grant,  the  candidate,  a  youth  of  good  presence, 
and  reputable,  (bating  his  politics,)  was  of  this  party. 
Andy  had  been  to  college,  and  his  father  first  intended 
to  make  a  doctor  of  him,  but  the  lad  somehow  took  a 
dislike  to  physic,  and  turned  in  to  this  new  business  of 
engineering  on  canals  and  railroads,  and  was  con- 
sidered, I  believe,  a  tolerably  smart  hand  in  that 
calling.  But  as  he  happened  to  catch  a  bilious  fever 
in  the  Dismal  Swamp,  the  old  lady  his  mother,  who 
always  had  made  a  pet  of  him,  would  not  hear  of  his 
going  back  to  that  line  of  livelihood ;  and  so  he  stayed 
at  home  helping  to  manage  at  the  Hogback  farm,  and 
doing  pretty  much  as  he  pleased ;  until,  about  a  year 
before  he  was  brought  out,  he  married  Stephen  P. 


124  QUODLIBET. 

Crabstock's  daughter ;  and  ever  since  that  event  does 
as  his  wife  pleases — spending  his  time  one  part  of  the 
year  at  the  Iron  Works,  and  the  other  at  the  old  man's. 

By  eleven  o'clock  the  company  had  pretty  nearly 
got  to  its  maximum.  A  large  party  came  down  in  a 
•wagon  from  Quodlibet  with  Abel  Brawn — among  them 
Neal  Hopper,  Sandy  Buttercrop,  Davy  Post  the 
wheelwright,  and  I  can't  tell  how  many  more.  Quipes, 
the  painter,  borrowed  a  horse  out  of  Greoffry  Wheeler's 
team,  and  was  there  studying  human  nature  and  the 
picturesque.  Flan  Sucker,  one-eyed  Ben  Inky,  and 
Jeff  Drinker,  with  a  squad  of  regular  loafers,  came  on 
foot.  The  Tumbledownians  were  there  in  great  force 
under  Gale  Goodfellow,  to  help  Theodore  Fog;  and 
the  Bickerbrayians  with  Virgil  Philpot,  the  editor  of 
The  Scrutinizer,  mustered  a  heavy  phalanx  in  favor 
of  Ag  Flag.  To  swell  the  assemblage  to  its  largest 
compass,  there  were  about  fifty  laborers  from  the 
newly-begun  Bickerbray  and  Meltpenny  Railroad, 
a  worthy  accession  to  the  New-Light  Democracy,  who 
had  about  a  month  before  this  meeting  come  into  the 
State. 

This  is  a  hasty  glance  over  the  field  of  action,  and 
will  serve  to  show  that  the  country  was  all  alive  to  the 
importance  of  the  occasion  and  duly  estimated  the 
nature  of  the  crisis.  Looking  over  this  congregation 
I,  as  one  having  knowledge  therein,  may  safely  affirm, 
that  the  genuine  Quods  present  fully  outnumbered  the 
Whigs  three  to  one.  Eliphalet  Fox,  who  has  been 
more  accustomed  to  measure  crowds,  however,  after  a 
minute  inspection  of  the  various  groups,  judging  by 
that  tact  which  he  says  never  failed  him  in  discrimi- 


QUODLIBET.  125 

nating  between  what  be  calls  a  Loco  Foco  and  a  Whig, 
(he  does  not  pretend  to  say  that  he  is  so  expert  in 
pointing  out  a  New  Light,  but  as  to  a  Loco  he  asserts 
he  is  perfect,)  set  down  the  number  at  nearer  ten  to 
one;  and  accordingly  so  reported  it  in  the  account  of 
the  meeting  which  afterwards  appeared  in  The  Whole 
Hog.  Without,  however,  dwelling  upon  this  topic,  let 
us  proceed  to  the  business  of  the  day. 

At  twelve  o'clock  dinner  was  announced;  and  this 
army  of  hungry  politicians,  with  a  unanimity  of  sen- 
timent, an  accord  of  principle,  and  a  concert  of  action, 
which  we  might  in  vain  seek  for  in  other  occupations 
of  a  political  nature,  combined,  like  a  band  of  brothers, 
to  devour  the  largest  possible  amount  of  the  stores 
which  lay  before  them.  With  somewhat  less  agree- 
ment they  made  their  advances  to  the  Monongahela; 
the  more  shy  of  the  assemblage  being  rather  kept  at 
bay  by  the  remarkable  perseverance  and  adhesiveness 
of  Flan  Sucker,  one-eyed  Ben  Inky,  and  a  chosen 
body  of  troops  under  their  command,  who  had  consti- 
tuted themselves  the  forlorn  hope  in  this  assault.  Still, 
as  the  newspapers  say  when  they  are  disposed  to  puff  a 
popular  play,  the  barrel  went  off  very  much  to  the 
satisfaction,  and,  indeed,  the  delight  of  the  company. 

These  matters  being  dispatched,  Nicodemus  Handy, 
who  during  the  repast  had  acted  inimitably  the  part 
of  a  perfectly  ravenous  man,  but  who  having  an  eye 
to  the  sandwiches  and  Rudesheimer,  made  his  appetite 
rather  a  matter  of  "  seems,"  rapped  upon  the  table, 
and  called  upon  every  man  to  fill  up  his  glass;  which 
order  was  faithfully  obeyed  by  Flan  Sucker  &  Com- 
11* 


126  QUOD  LI  BET. 

pany,  a  firm  that  was  in  possession  of  all  the  tumblers 
— the  remainder  of  the  guests  allowing  the  filling  to 
be,  as  we  say  in  grammar,  "understood," — and  then 
offered  the  following  toast,  which,  as  he  said,  would 
speak  for  itself: — "The  several  candidates  who  are 
about  to  address  the  people — success  to  him  who  shall 
best  deserve  it!"  Sucker  &  Company  drained  to  the 
bottom,  and  then  set  up  a  shrill  yell,  very  much  in  the 
style  of  the  Winnebagoes,  except  that  there  was  a 
running  note  of  "Yip!"  that  was  distinctively  Suck- 
erian. 

"Now,  gentlemen,  to  the  stand!"  cried  out  Mr. 
Handy. 

But  before  the  crowd  obeyed  this  order,  Mr.  Snuffers 
had  a  motion  to  make.  It  was  a  matter  of  some  im- 
portance, as  the  subject  was  considered  in  the  New- 
Light  Club,  that  our  party  should  have  the  President 
of  the  day — and  it  was  therefore  determined  that  the 
moment  dinner  was  over,  and  before  the  Whigs  might 
be  aware  of  it,  Mr.  Snuffers,  the  head  of  our  club, 
should  rise  in  some  conspicuous  place,  and  move  that 
Nicodemus  Handy  be  requested  to  preside  over  the 
meeting.  Mr.  Snuffers  is  a  slow  and  nervous  man,  and 
was  admonished  to  be  on  his  guard,  so  as  to  make  sure 
of  getting  ahead  of  the  Whigs  who  we  knew  wanted 
Mr.  Grant  in  the  chair.  He  was  in  consequence  very 
fidgety  all  the  time  of  dinner;  and  now,  when  the 
moment  for  action  arrived,  the  good  old  gentleman 
elbowed  his  way  toward  the  center  of  the  table,  and 
without  difficulty  succeeded  in  clambering  upon  an  in- 
verted and  empty  flour-barrel,  which  had  once  been  filled 
•with  bread.  "I  move,  gentlemen,"  said  he,  with  a 


QTJODLIBET.  1*27 

tremulous  and  agitated  voice — "I  move,  gentlemen, 
that  Mr.  Nicodemus  Handy " 

Before  the  next  word  escaped  from'  his  lips,  this 
worthy  and  respectable  old  gentleman  broke  in,  and  in 
an  instant  (I  am  shocked  to  tell  it)  was  jammed  up 
tight  in  the  barrel — disappearing  as  a  dip  of  twenty  to 
the  pound  is  apt  to  do  when  stuck  into  a  black  bottle — 
"be  President  of  this  meeting,"  said  Mr.  Doubleday, 
with  a  hurried  utterance,  taking  up  the  word  which  was 
lost  with  Mr.  Snuffers,  and  which,  but  for  the  admirable 
presence  of  mind  of  our  Vice,  might  have  been  lost 
forever. 

"  Break  the  barrel  to  pieces  !"  cried  out  forty  voices. 

"Mr.  Snuffers  is  blue  in  the  face — he  will  die  of 
apoplexy,"  cried  out  others. 

"An  ax! — knock  the  barrel  to  pieces!"  shouted 
more,  in  great  alarm  at  his  precarious  situation. 

In  a  few  moments  our  distressed  and  worthy  Presi- 
dent of  the  New  Light  was  extricated  from  his  un- 
pleasant durance,  and  finding  no  harm  done,  we  pro- 
ceeded to  take  the  question  on  the  motion.  Mr.  Handy 
was  thus  called  to  the  chair.  Nine  Vice-Presidents 
were  appointed,  and  six  Secretaries  to  record  the  pro- 
ceedings. These  matters  being  arranged,  the  whole 
assemblage  moved  toward  the  rostrum  at  the  opposite 
end  of  the  wood. 

What  followed  we  shall  read  in  the  next  chapter. 


128  QUODLIBET. 


CHAPTER  X. 

SCENES  AT  THE  SYCAMORE  SPRING — NICODEMUS  HANDY'S  SPEECH  AS 

PRESIDENT SKETCH  OF  ANDREW  GRANT'S  SPEECH AGAMEMNON 

FLAG'S — ATTEMPTS  AT  INTERRUPTION — THEODORE  FOG'S  CELEBRA- 
TED SPEECH  ON  THIS  OCCASION ELOQUENT  EXPOSITION  OF  PRIN- 
CIPLES— HIS  TRIUMPH — HIS  MISFORTUNE — QUIPES's  DISAPPOINT- 
MENT OF  HIS  FRIENDS. 

WHEN  the  crowd  had  gathered  around  the  stand  ap- 
propriated to  the  President,  the  nine  Vice-Presidents, 
and  the  six  Secretaries,  besides  the  speakers  who  were 
to  address  the  meeting,  and  when  every  officer  was  in 
his  place,  Nicodemus  Handy  came  forward  with  his 
pocket-handkerchief  in  his  hand,  w'ping  from  his  brow 
the  perspiration,  which  naturally  breaks  out  on  a  man 
of  sensibility  and  wealth  when  called  to  discharge  the 
honorable  and  responsible  function  of  presiding  over  a 
vast  concourse  of  freemen.  By  way  of  digression,  I 
would  take  this  occasion  to  remark  upon  the  extreme 
appropriateness  of  the  'phrase  which  is  now  universally 
used  in  describing  meetings  of  the  people,  and  which 
always  refers  to  them  as  freemen.  Ever  since  the 
people  have  been  drilled  to  walk  in  the  way  appointed 
for  them  by  the  leaders  of  their  respective  parties,  and 
are  so  liberally  told  how  they  must  think,  speak,  and 
vote;  and  when  no  man  is  allowed  to  walk  out  of  that 
path  without  being  threatened  with  condign  punish- 
ment, it  is  extremely  proper,  in  order  to  avoid  odious 


QUODLIBET.  129 

imputations  which  malevolent  observers  might  cast 
upon  them,  on  all  occasions  to  employ  the  phrase  I 
have  alluded  to;  since,  if  this  were  neglected,  these 
malevolent  observers  might  take  it  into  their  heads  to 
call  the  people  of  our  free  Republic  Tools,  Instru- 
ments, Rank-and-File,  and  other  names  significant  of  a 
state  of  subserviency,  which  in  the  eyes  of  strangers 
might  cast  discredit  on  our  free  institutions:  even  the 
officers  of  our  government  might  be  branded  with  the 
name  of  hirelings  and  servants,  and  an  opinion  might 
thus  be  fostered  that,  instead  of  being  the  freest  nation 
upon  earth,  we  were  a  set  of  slaves  governed  by  a  set 
of  hired  servants — a  most  unwarrantable,  unjust,  and 
derogatory  conclusion.  For  this  reason,  I  am  particular 
in  the  language  above  employed,  and  I  think  that  every 
genuine  Quod  will  see  the  value  and  the  force  of  my 
vindication  and  use  of  this  phrase. 

Mr.  Handy  rose  to  his  feet,  wiped  his  brow,  and 
made  a  graceful  obedience  to  the  assembled  body  of 
freemen. 

"Gentlemen,"  said  he,  with  a  most  laudable  diffi- 
dence, in  a  voice  which  not  more  than  fifteen  persons, 
exclusive  of  the  nine  Vices  and  six  Secretaries,  could 
hear;  "sensible  of  the  great  honor — endeavor  to  dis- 
charge with  fidelity — obvious  incapacity — but  exceed- 
ingly flattered  by  the  testimony  of  your  confidence;" 
then  wiping  his  brow,  still  more  vehemently,  with  his 
cambric  handkerchief  rolled  up  like  a  snow-ball,  he 
continued :  "  It  falls  to  my  lot  to  introduce  to  you  our 
distinguished  friends,  Agamemnon  Flag,  Andrew  Grant, 
and  Theodore  Fog,  Esquires,  men  of  whom  any  land 
may  be  proud — they  will  speak  for  themselves.  With 


130  QUODLIBET. 

such  men  to  choose  from,  our  country  cannot  fail  to 
rise  up  to  the  very  midnight  of  prosperity,  honor,  and 
renown.  Thanks  for  your  attention— rely  upon  your 
indulgence — Mr.  Grant  will  lead  off." 

"Three  cheers  for  Nicodemus  Handy!"  cried  out 
several  Quods,  as  soon  as  our  distinguished  townsman 
took  his  seat ;  and,  thereupon,  about  twenty  heads  were 
uncovered,  and  the  twenty  throats  appurtenant  to  the 
same  gave  the  three  rounds  called  for. 

Andrew  Grant  now  came  forward,  and  made  a  dis- 
course of  about  an  hour's  length.  It  was  in  the  usual 
style  of  the  Whigs,  and  began  with  an  attempt  to  raise 
an  impression  that  the  country,  notwithstanding  Gene- 
ral Jackson's  express  declaration  to  the  contrary,  given 
to  the  nation  under  the  solemn  sanction  of  a  presidential 
message,  and  notwithstanding  his  successor's  certificate 
to  the  same  effect,  was  in  a  state  of  difiiculty  and  dis- 
tress. This  young  man,  not  more  than  twenty-five 
years  of  age,  living  in  comparative  obscurity,  had  the 
hardihood,  in  the  face  of  a  large  and  respectable  body 
of  freemen,  to  contradict  the  word  of  two  Presidents 
of  the  United  States !  Then,  after  coloring  this  picture 
of  adversity  with  all  imaginable  hues  of  shade,  he  did 
not  scruple  to  affirm  that  the  whole  of  these  fancied 
embarrassments  were  brought  on  by  the  folly,  as  he 
termed  it,  of  our  rulers — charged  the  great  Democratic 
majority  of  the  nation  with  having  carried  bad  meas- 
ures through  Congress — said  the  Whigs  had  warned  us 
of  the  results  of  these  measures — and  even  went  to  the 
point  of  asserting  that  the  -suspension  of  the  banks 
was  the  consequence  of  the  acts  of  the  party  in  power. 
To  make  out  this  absurd  proposition,  he  read  extracts 


QUODLIBET.  131 

from  the  speeches  of  Whig  members,  against  the  re- 
moval of  the  deposits,  to  show  what  he  called  their  pro- 
phecies of  disaster  to  the  people;  then  actually  affirmed 
that  the  experiment  of  General  Jackson  upon  the  Cur- 
rency had  failed,  and  that  all  the  Whig  predictions  had 
come  true;  and  after  sundry  excursions  into  the  Hard 
Money  and  State-Bank  systems  of  the  administration, 
finally  wound  up  his  remarks  by  a  very  fatiguing  enu- 
meration of  the  General's  pledges  to  the  people  before 
his  election,  and  his  changes  of  opinion  upon  these 
subjects  afterward; — in  regard  to  which  he  produced 
and  read  certain  long-winded  documents  from  the 
President  and  Secretaries,  to  the  great  annoyance  of 
our  Quods,  who,  in  fact,  became  so  tired  of  this  im- 
pertinent matter,  that  not  more  than  half  a  dozen  of 
them  remained  within  hearing  of  the  speaker,  the  great 
bulk  of  them  having  gone  over  to  the  spring  to  refresh 
themselves  in  a  more  agreeable  manner.  Eliphalet  Fox 
very  aptly  remarked,  immediately  after  this  long  prosing 
was  brought  to  an  end,  that  the  speech  was  a  perfect 
failure:  he  had  heard  Andy  Grant  spoken  of  as  a 
young  man  of  talents,  but  he  turns  out  to  be  a  miser- 
able take-in.  "Nothing  in  him,  sir!"  said  Eliphalet, 
in  his  terse  way;  "nothing  in  him,  sir  !" 

The  Whigs,  as  is  usual  with  them,  affected  to  be 
hugely  delighted.  Augustus  Postlethwaite  Tompkinson 
took  pencil-notes  and  announced  his  purpose  to  publish 
the  speech  entire.  "A  great  speech  that,"  said  he  to 
Mr.  Snuffers  —  "extraordinary  young  man! — great 
speech." 

Mr.  Handy  now  lost  no  time  in  presenting  Aga- 
memnon Flag,  who  came  forward  with  a  confident, 


132  QUODLIBET. 

self-possessed  air,  smiling  through  his  gold  spectacles, 
and  apparently  very  much  delighted  at  the  opportunity 
of  presenting  himself  before  his  fellow-citizens. 

"  I  see  before  me,"  said  he,  in  a  clear,  fine-toned 
voice,  and  with  an  affable  manner,  "a  vast  concourse 
of " 

"  Put  on  your  hat,"  cried  out  three  or  four  from  the 
crowd,  upon  observing  that  a  sunbeam  had  straggled 
through  the  foliage  and  lit  up  Agamemnon's  yellow, 
curly  locks,  likening  them  to  golden  wire. 

"Thank  you,  my  friends,"  said  the  orator,  stepping 
one  pace  to  the  right  and  thus  bringing  himself  into 
the  shade,  "  in  the  presence  of  the  sovereign  people,  I 
always  stand  uncovered,  regardless  of  the  exposure  of 
my  person." 

This  happy  sally  brought  forth  a  long  and  loud 
clapping  of  hands  from  the  great  multitude  of  Quods, 
who,  the  moment  Andy  Grant  had  finished  speaking, 
had  crowded  back  to  the  stand. 

"Take  off  your  goold  specs,  Ag;  let's  see  your 
Dimmycratic  phiz  out  and  out!"  said  Flari  Sucker  at 
the  top  of  his  voice,  from  the  outskirts  of  the  assem- 
blage. 

A  loud  laugh  that  shook  full  one  hundred  dia- 
phragms, followed  this  demand,  and  Agamemnon  good- 
naturedly  took  off  his  glasses. 

"Anything  to  oblige  you,  gentlemen,"  said  he;  "but 
as  I  am  very  short-sighted,  I  deprive  myself  of  the 
pleasure  of  a  better  view  of  my  worthy  fellow-citizens." 

"Put  on  your  specs,  Ag,"  said  Nim  Porter — "never 
mind  Flan  Sucker !" 

"  Put  on  your  specs !"  cried  out  the  whole  of  the 


QUODLIBET.  133 

convention  who  had  nominated  the  ticket,  backed  by  a 
number  of  their  friends." 

"Blast  his  eyes!"  said  Cale  Goodfellow,  turning  to 
his  Tumbledownians,  who  were  all  friends  of  Fog,  and 
of  course  opposed  to  the  nomination.  "Let's  have  a 
representative  who  can  see  what  he  is  about — none  of 
your  goold  daylights !" 

"Specs  or  no  specs,  go  it! — Yip!"  shouted  Flan. 
Sucker,  with  a  voice  that  rang  like  a  trumpet. 

"Or-der! — Or-der!"  said  Mr.  Handy,  rising  from 
his  seat  and  coming  forward  beside  the  speaker,  and 
waving  his  hand  to  the  crowd,  greatly  concerned  to  see 
these  manifestations  of  dissension  in  the  ranks  of  the 
party.  "Gentlemen,  it  is  but  fair  that  every  man 
should  be  heard,  and  the  chair  takes  occasion  to  say, 
that  it  is  mortified  at  these  interruptions.  If  the  gen- 
tlemen opposed  to  the  nomination — the  chair  alludes 
to  those  who  have  unfortunately  allowed  themselves  to 
be  influenced  by  the  iron  railing,  a  subject  which  has 
nothing  upon  earth  to  do  with  the  pending  election — 
if  these  gentlemen  are  not  disposed  to  give  Mr.  Aga- 
memnon Flag  an  opportunity  of  delivering  himself,  the 
chair  would  invite  such  persons  to  reflect  upon  the 
obvious  impropriety  of  such  a  course.  The  chair  is 
persuaded  that  this  disturbance  results  from  mere 
want  of  reflection,  and  hopes  it  shall  not  be  required 
again  to  remind  gentlemen  of  the  courtesy  due  to  Mr. 
Flag." 

As  Virgil  describes  in  that   notable  passage,  the 

subduing  of  the  rage  of  popular  commotion  by  ^Eneas, 

and  likens  it  to  the  mandate  of  Neptune  quelling  the 

waves  of  old  ocean,  so  fell  Mr.  Handy's  timely  reproof 

12 


134  QUODLIBET. 

upon  the  Anti-iron  Railings,  and,  in  a  moment,  all  was 
still.  Agamemnon  then  began  again  in  his  original 
track. 

"  I  see  before  me  a  vast  concourse  of  free  citizens — 
the  solid,  substantial,  durable,  permanent,  everlasting 
pillars  of  free  government.  The  honest,  upright,  pure, 
hard-handed,  horny-fisted,  Democratic  yeomanry  of 
the  country  are  here — not  the  flesh  and  blood  of  the 
country,  for  that  is  the  pampered  aristocracy — but  the 
bone  and  sinew  surround  me.  It  rejoices  my  eyes  to 
behold  these  honest,  sturdy,  independent,  intelligent, 
invincible  tillers  of  the  soil — these  brawny,  unconquer- 
able, liberty-loving  working-men — I  say,  sir,  I  delight 
to  look  upon  them;  my  feeble  vision,  sir " 

"Put  on  your  specs,  Ag !"  shouted  Ben  Inky  and 
Flan  Sucker  again,  at  the  same  instant; — and  the  cry 
was  echoed  from  various  quarters. 

Some  moments  of  disorder  again  prevailed,  which 
required  the  second  interposition  of  Mr.  Handy,  who, 
in  the  most  spirited  manner,  proclaimed  his  positive 
determination  to  resign,  unless  the  order  of  the  meeting 
could  be  preserved.  "I  will  never  consent,"  said  he, 
with  a  most  laudable  energy,  "to  hold  any  post,  execu- 
tive or  representative,  for  one  moment  after  I  shall 
have  discovered  that  I  do  not  possess  the  confidence 
of  the  people;  the  chair  must  feel  itself  compelled,  by 
every  sentiment  which,  as  a  friend  of  the  New-Light 
Democracy,  it  holds  dear,  to  resign  the  moment  it  finds 
that  it  has  fallen  into  a  minority."  Then  followed  these 
remarkable  words: — "Sustain  me,  Quodlibetarians,  or 
let  me  go !" 

For  full  five  minutes  after  this,  the  uproar  was  tre- 


QUODLIBET.  135 

mendous.  The  Iron  Railings  and  Anti-iron  Railings 
almost  came  to  blows.  The  Tumbledownians  and 
Bickerbrayians  took  their  appropriate  sides  in  the 
contest,  and,  for  a  space,  nothing  was  heard  but  shouts 
of  Fog! — Flag! — Fog! — Flag!  over  the  whole  field. 
When  both  parties  had  bawled  themselves  perfectly 
hoarse,  and  for  mere  want  of  wind  ceased  the  clamor, 
Theodore  Fog  mounted  the  hustings,  and  made  a  special 
request  of  his  friends  to  keep  the  peace  and  hear  Mr. 
Flag  to  an  end.  He  put  this  request  upon  the  ground 
of  a  personal  favor  to  himself,  and  promised  them  that, 
at  the  proper  time,  they  should  hear  his  sentiments 
very  fully  upon  all  the  agitating  questions  of  the  day. 

This  appeal  was  conclusive,  and  Mr.  Flag  once  more 
presented  himself.  But  the  interruptions  he  had  suf- 
fered seemed  most  unhappily  to  have  thrown  him 
entirely  out  of  gear;  and  becoming  very  much  embar- 
rassed, he  struggled  for  some  moments  to  regain  his 
self-possession,  as  I  thought,  without  success — although 
Fox  thought  otherwise, — and,  after  less  than  half  an 
hour's  speaking,  sat  down,  rather  crest-fallen  and  mor- 
tified. 

I  may  unwittingly  do  Mr.  Flag  injustice  in  this  re- 
mark ;  for,  in  truth,  my  mind  was  greatly  occupied 
with  the  tumult,  arid  I  confess  I  was,  therefore,  not  a 
very  attentive  listener.  Fox,  on  the  contrary,  was 
minutely  observant  of  the  speech,  and  did  not  scruple 
to  pronounce  it  a  masterly  effort  of  eloquence,  calcu- 
lated to  place  Mr.  Flag  beside  the  first  statesmen  of 
our  country.  This  was  his  opinion  at  the  time,  and 
it  was  even  more  warmly  and  eulogistically  expressed 
subsequently,  in  The  Whole  Hog,  where  the  speech 


136  QUODLIBET. 

appeared  in  nine  closely-printed  columns  on  the  follow- 
ing Saturday. 

Theodore  Fog  was  always  a  great  favorite  at  our 
public  meetings,  and  the  moment  now  approached 
when  the  field  was  to  be  surrendered  to  him.  The  New 
Lights,  including  the  members  of  the  nominating  con- 
vention and  the  friends  of  the  Iron  Railing  Compromise, 
backed  by  Virgil  Philpot  of  The  Scrutinizes,  and  a 
large  force  of  Bickerbrayians,  were  determined  that 
Agamemnon  Flag  should  not  want  a  very  decisive 
token  of  applause ;  and  they  accordingly  called  out  for 
"nine  cheers  for  the  regular  candidate!"  Responsive 
to  this  call,  their  whole  party  lustily  set  about  the 
work;  and,  for  some  minutes  after  the  conclusion  of 
Agamemnon's  speech,  the  air  resounded  with  huzzas 
for  "Flag  and  the  Constitution!"  "New  Light  and 
Regular  Nomination  !"  This  was  answered  by  a  round 
for  "Fog  and  Reform  !"  "Retrenchment  and  no  Iron 
Railing !"  and  Fog,  in  the  midst  of  this  acclamation, 
appearing  on  the  speaker's  stand,  all  cries  were  lost  in 
the  most  violent  clapping  of  hands. 

Theodore  Fog's  figure  is  about  six  feet,  lean  and 
bony,  and  with  a  stoop  which  inclines  a  little  to  the 
right,  so  as  to  bring  his  left  shoulder  somewhat  higher 
than  its  opposite.  His  arms  are  unusually  long,  his  head 
small,  his  face  strongly  furrowed  with  deep  lines,  his 
eyes  of  a  greenish  luster,  his  nose  decidedly  of  the  pug 
species,  his  mouth  large,  his  complexion  of  that  sallow, 
drum-head,  parchment  hue  that  equally  defies  the  war 
of  the  elements,  and  the  ravages  of  alcohol.  Although 
short  of  fifty  years  of  age,  his  hair  is  iron  gray,  and 
spreads  in  a  thick  mat  over  his  whole  cranium.  At  no 


QUODLIBET.  137 

time  of  life  has  he  been  careful  of  dress,  but  now  has 
declined  into  an  extreme  of  negligence  in  this  par- 
ticular. On  the  present  occasion,  he  wore  a  striped 
gingham  coat,  rather  short  in  the  sleeves,  and  cross- 
barred  pantaloons;  his  shirt  collar  was  turned  down 
over  a  narrow,  horsehair  stock;  and  a  broad  black 
ribbon  guard  crossed  his  breast  and  terminated  in  the 
right  pocket  of  a  black  bombazet  waistcoat,  where  it 
was  plainly  to  be  seen  from  the  external  impression, 
lodged  a  large  watch.  He  presented  himself  to  the 
multitude,  holding  in  his  hand  a  rather  shabby  straw 
hat,  which  he,  nevertheless,  flourished  with  the  air  and 
grace  of  one  who  had  known  better  days  than  his 
habiliments  seemed  to  denote. 

He  stood  for  some  time  bowing  and  waving  his  hat 
in  return  for  the  clamorous  approbation  with  which  he 
was  greeted;  and  when,  at  length,  silence  was  restored, 
he  began  his  speech. 

"  Countrymen  and  friends :  you  of  Quodlibet,  Bick- 
erbray,  Tumbledown  and  the  adjacent  parts,  hear 
me  !  I  am  an  old,  tried  and  trusty,  unflinching  and 
unterrified  Quodlibetarian  New-Light  Democrat — Flan 
Sucker,  bring  us  a  tumbler  of  water — tangle  it,  Flan  : 
no  hypocrisy  in  me,  gentlemen, — I  go  for  the  ardent. 
You  all  know  I  am,  and  was  from  the  first,  opposed  to 
the  iron  railing — (here  arose  a  cheer  from  the  Antics) 
— but  I  don't  come  to  talk  to  you  about  that.  You 
know,  moreover,  that  I  am  an  anti-nomination  man — 
I'm  out  on  independent  grounds — every  man  for  him- 
self, as  the  jackass  said  to  the  chickens — (a  loud  laugh.) 
I  want  to  say  a  word  about  Agamemnon  Flag — com- 
monly called  Ag  Flag.  Who's  he  ?  Look  at  them 
12* 


138  QUODLIBET. 

gold  spectacles,  and  you  will  see  what  he  is  at  once. 
When  the  plastic  hand  of  Danie  Nature  set  about  the 
fabrication  of  that  masterpiece  of  human  mechanism, 
a  genuine,  out-and-out  thorough-stiched  New-Light 
Democrat,  she  never  thought  of  sticking  upon  him  a 
nose  to  be  ridden  by  two  gold  rings  hung  over  it  like  a 
pair  of  saddlebags — (loud  laughter.)  We  have  other 
uses  for  our  gold ;  we  want  it  for  mint- drops — old  Tom 
Benton's  mint-drops — to  be  run  up  into  them,  to  give 
the  honest,  poor  man  something  better,  when  his  week's 
work  is  done,  than  Copperplate  Bank  rags,  signed 
Nicodemus  Handy — (loud  shouts  and  cheers  from  Flan 
Sucker's  squad  and  the  Tumbledowns;  and  groans  and 
hisses  from  the  Convention  men  and  Bickerbrays.) 
Friends,  I  tell  you,  our  party  is  split ;  emphatically 
split.  I  have  seen  this  coming  for  some  time.  We 
have  three  sets  of  New  Lights  among  us,  and  it  is  time 
we  should  know  it.  There  are  THE  MANDARINS,  our 
big  bugs,  and  I  could  name  them  to  you.  You  will 
find  them  on  Copperplate  Ridge — ('Bah!  bah!'  from 
the  New-Light  Club— 'Go  it  The!  go  it,  old  fellow!' 
from  the  Antics.)  You  will  find  them  at  Popular  Flats 
— ('  That  won't  do  !'  cried  fifty  voices  ;  'three  cheers 
for  the  Hon.  Middleton  Flam  !' — loud  cheering  for 
Flam :  '  Walk  into  them,  Fog  !'  from  the  Anties — great 
laughter  and  rubbing  of  hands  among  the  Whigs.)  You 
will  find  them  in  the  Forwarding  and  Commission  Line 
— (great  uproar  on  all  sides.)  After  the  Mandarins, 
come  THE  MIDDLINGS  ;  and  after  the  Middlings,  THE 
TRUE  GRITS — the  hearty,  whole-souled,  no-mistake 
Quods.  I'm  a  TRUE  GRIT! — (great  applause.)  We 
ure  nature's  noblemen — give  me  that  water,  Flan.  I 


QUODLIBET.  139 

call  myself  one  of  the  Royal  Family  of  the  Sover- 
eign People — (renewed  laughter  and  applause.)  I  am 
no  kid-glove-MANDARiN-Democrat :  I  am  no  milk- 
and-water,  flesh-and-fowl,  half-hawk-half-buzzard-MiD- 
DLiNG-Democrat :  I  am,  to  all  intents  and  purposes, 
toties  quoties,  in  puris  naturalibus,  a  TRUE  GRIT,  a 
whole  TRUE  GRIT,  and  nothing  but  a  TRUE  GRIT. — 
(Here  Theodore  was  obliged  to  pause  a  full  minute  on 
account  of  the  cheering.) 

"Now  this  brings  me,"  he  continued  after  drinking 
off  the  potation  which  Flan  Sucker  had  assiduously 
placed  upon  the  stand  for  his  use,  "  to  Andy  Grant. 
Andy  Grant  has  told  you  a  great  deal  about  General 
Jackson's  pledges,  and  his  changes  and  whatnot.  Well, 
sirs,  he  did  change — what  of  it?  Is  Democracy  like 
the  laws  of  the  Medes  and  Persians  ?  Is  that  great 
sublime  truth  which  vivifies  the  patriot's  heart,  resusci- 
tates his  ambition  and  sparkles  in  the  human  breast, 
like  a  stone  in  the  bottom  of  a  well,  for  toads  to  sit  on? 
or  is  it  the  divine  rainbow  spanning  the  earth  with  its 
arch,  and  changing  with  the  sun,  now  in  the  east,  now 
in  the  west  ?  Is  it  a  post  set  up  in  a  stream  for  the 
liquid  element  of  human  policy  forever  to  roll  by  and 
leave  behind  ?  or  is  it  the  mighty  mass  of  steam  power 
that  not  only  floats  upon  that  element,  but  flies  onward 
across  the  great  ocean  of  mortal  things  forever  chang- 
ing in  its  career  ?  Is  not  Democracy  itself  the  march 
of  intellect?  and  does  not  marching  consist  in  change 
of  place?  I  hear  you  all  answer,  with  one  accord, 
Ay,  ay,  ay ! — (Taking  the  word  from  the  orator,  there 
was  a  loud  affirmative  response  to  these  questions.) 

"Well,  then,  Jackson  did  change.     He  was  for  the 


140  QUODLIBET. 

single  term — he  was  against  it :  I  confess  the  fact.  He 
was  for  the  Protective  System — he  was  against  it :  I 
agree  to  it.  He  was  for  a  National  Bank — he  was 
against  it :  what  of  that  ?  He  was  for  the  distribution 
of  the  surplus,  and  again  he  was  against  it ;  I  know  it. 
He  was  for  Internal  Improvements ; — he  changed  his 
mind — he  was  against  them.  Then  again,  sirs,  he  was 
against  the  interference  of  officers  in  the  elections ; — 
he  was  sorry  for  it,  and  took  the  other  tack.  He  was 
against  the  appointment  of  members  of  Congress — in 
theory; — in  practice  he  was  for  it.  He  was  against 
this  Sub-Treasury — and  perhaps  he  is  now  for  it.  It 
is  all  true,  as  Andy  Grant  has  told  you : — it  is  in  the 
documents,  I  don't  deny  it.  Sirs,  it  is  the  glory  of  his 
character  that  he  has  been  for  and  against  everything; 
— and  as  Mr.  Van  Buren  promises  to  follow  in  his  foot- 
steps, he,  of  course,  will  be  for  and  against  everything 
— I  know  him.  He  would  not  be  a  genuine  New  Light, 
if  he  were  not.  We  are  all  (and  here  Fog  raised  his 
voice  to  the  highest  key,  and  struck  the  board  sharply 
with  his  hand)  FOR  and  AGAINST  everything !  How 
else  can  we  be  with  the  majority?  What  is  the  NeMr- 
Light  Quodlibetarian  Democracy,  but  a  strict  con- 
formity to  the  will  of  the  majority?  Against  that  and 
that  only  we  never  go! — (tremendous  applause.)  As 
Levi  Beardsly  said,  Perish  Commerce,  Perish  Credit ! 
— and  I  say,  Perish  Currency,  Banks,  Sub-Treasury, 
Constitution,  Law,  Benton,  Amos,  Van — I  had  almost 
said  perish  Old  Hickory — but  always  go  with  the  MA- 
JORITY !" 

After  this  burst,  which  may  be  said  to  be  truly  elo- 
quent, Theodore  made  a  very  happy  hit  in  touching 


QUODLIBET.  141 

upon  the  natural  hostility  between  the  rich  and  the 
poor,  showing,  with  great  point  of  remark,  how  im- 
possible it  was  for  these  two  classes  to  have  any  Chris- 
tian feelings  toward  each  other ;  and  arguing  from 
that  the  great  New-Light  Democratic  principle,  that  in 
every  department  of  the  government  any  man  who 
holds  property  ought  to  be  deprived  of  all  influence, 
and  that  it  was  the  poor  man's  right  to  legislate  away 
the  rich  man's  possessions.  "Do  we  not  know,"  said 
he,  "that  in  every  community  the  majority  are  poor? 
that  there  are  two  men  without  property  for  every  one 
man  with  it?  Of  course  then,  it  follows  logically,  that, 
as  two  heads  are  better  than  one,  the  sole  right,  as  well 
as  the  sole  power  of  legislation  is  in  the  poor,  and  that 
they  may  make  laws  for  the  government  of  the  rich; 
but  the  rich  cannot  make  laws  for  the  government  of 
the  poor.  Besides,  who  would  be  the  most  impartial 
in  such  a  matter,  the  man  legislating  for  his  own  prop- 
erty, or  the  man  legislating  for  his  neighbor's?  This 
requires  no  reply." 

Upon  the  subject  of  the  Sub-Treasury,  Fog  avowed 
boldly  his  non-commitalism.  "I  am  not  sure,  at  this 
moment,"  said  he,  "how  the  land  lies.  I  wait  to 
ascertain  the  sentiment  of  the  majority,  which,  with- 
out taking  sides,  I  rather  incline  to  think  is  against 
the  measure.  I  judge  from  the  vote  of  the  New  Lights 
two  years  ago — although,  I  confess,  that  two  years  are 
a  long  period  for  a  New  Light  to  look  back,  and  that 
it  is  rather  over  the  usual  time  in  which  custom  requires 
we  should  change.  I  shall  wait  for  events." 

There  were  other  subjects  embraced  in  this  speech, 
ur>on  which  my  memoranda  are  imperfect ;  but  there 


142  QUODLIBET. 

•was  one  part  of  it,  toward  the  conclusion,  which  was 
very  pathetic. 

The  orator  turned  to  those  strangers  among  us  who 
had  come  over  from  the  Bickerbray  and  Meltpenny 
Kailroad.  "Gentlemen,"  said  he,  "you  stand  in  a 
peculiarly  interesting  relation  to  the  New  Lights.  You 
are  strangers,  and,  as  the  poet  says, 

'  Stranger  is  a  sacred  name.' 

Therefore,  it  is  our  wish  to  take  you  in.  You  have 
not  been  over  sixty  days  in  our  State:  you  are  sepa- 
rated, many  of  you,  from  your  sweethearts — some  of 
you  from  your  wives — all  of  you  from  your  homes : — 
wife — sweetheart — home  !  Affecting  words  ! 

'  Where  is  the  man  with  soul  so  dead 
Who  never  to  himself  hath  said, 

This  is  my  own,  my  native  land  ?'  and  so  forth." 

Here  Theodore  took  up  his  red  pocket-handkerchief, 
which  was  already  well  saturated  with  the  sweat  of  his 
brow,  and  feelingly  wiped  his  eyes  for  some  moments, 
manifestly  overcome  by  his  emotions.  At  length  he 
proceeded. 

"Do  not  despond,  gentlemen — do  not  despair.  The 
New  Lights  are  your  friends,  and  not  only  shall  you 
find  wife,  sweetheart,  home — ay,  and  children,  in  Quod- 
libet,  but  if  you  are  here  next  month,  we  will  see  if 
some  of  you  are  not  entitled  to  a  vote — that's  *all. — I 
have  no  doubt  a  large  portion  of  your  respectable  body 
are  better  voters  than  you  think  you  are.  And  at  all 
events,  if  you  are  not,  it  becomes  us  as  a  Christian 
people  to  extend  to  you  that  privilege.  I  go  for  the 


QUODLIBET.  143 

repeal  of  all  laws  which  tyrannically  require  a  year's 
residence  in  the  State,  before  a  stranger  is  allowed  to 
vote." 

"Hurra  for  Fog — hurra  for  Fog!"  burst  forth  in 
loud  chorus  from  the  new-comers. 

"But,"  said  Theodore  in  continuation,  "as  I  scorn 
concealment,  I  must  be  frank  with  you.  The  stranger 
should  be  grateful  to  his  friends ;  and  I,  therefore,  for 
one,  never  can  consent  to  extend  the  invaluable  priv- 
ilege of  suffrage  to  an  unworthy  man.  He  must  be  a 
New  Light,  an  ardent,  unblenching  Quodlibetarian 
Democrat,  ready  to  go  in  whatever  way  we  who  take 
the  trouble  to  do  his  thinking  for  him,  require; — it  is 
but  reasonable.  We  think,  study,  burn  the  midnight 
lamp,  and  toil,  when  he  sleeps,  and  all  for  the  good  of 
the  man  who  has  no  time  to  do  these  things  for  him- 
self— what  is  his  duty  in  return?  Why,  to  stand  by 
us  who  make  these  sacrifices  for  his  welfare — clearly — 
undoubtedly — incontestably." 

"Hurra  for  Fog!"  again  rose  in  hoarse  reduplica- 
tions on  the  air. 

"And  now,  fellow-countrymen,  one  and  all — men 
of  Quodlibet,  men  of  Bickerbray — and  especially  men 
of  Old  Tumbledown,  long  my  home,  and  never  absent 
from  my  heart — I  have  exposed  to  you  frankly,  freely, 
unhesitatingly  my  principles  and  professions. — You 
see  me  as  I  am — naked,  guileless,  and  robed  in  the 
simplicity  of  my  nature. — Flan,  another  glass  of  that 
stuff,  my  boy.  I  do  not  imitate  my  friend  Andy 
Grant — for  he  is  my  friend — we  can  differ  in  politics 
and  break  no  scores! — I  do  not,  like  him  and  the 
Whigs,  entertain  you  with  frothy  declamation,  appeal- 


144  QUODLIEET. 

ing  to  your  passions  or  your  prejudices — I  scorn  such 
stratagems. — No,  I  address  myself  solely  and  severely, 
sternly,  without  a  flower,  prosaically,  without  a  figure, 
soberly,  without  a  flight,  to  your  cool,  temperate,  and 
unseduced  capacity  of  logic'al  deduction.  Yes,  gen- 
tlemen, I,  a  poor  man,  do  battle  against  the  hosts  of 
the  rich.  I,  the  friend  of  honest  labor,  struggle 
against  the  huge  monopoly  of  hoarded  wealth,  hoarded 
by  grinding  the  faces  of  our  sterling  but  destitute 
laboring  men — alone,  I  strive  against  these  banded 
powers — will  you  desert  me  in  the  strife?" 

"Never!"  cried  Flan  Sucker,  Ben  Inky,  and  six 
more  of  Fog's  principal  men — "Never,  never!" 

"Then  I  am  content.  Come  weal,  come  woe,  here 
is  a  heart  that  will  never— or  rather,  gentlemen,  let 
me  say  in  the  words  of  the  poet — (it  now  became 
quite  obvious  that  Theodore  was  beginning  to  be  very 
seriously  afiected  by  the  frequent  refreshment  which 
Flan  Sucker  had  administered  during  his  speech,) 

'  Come  one,  come  all,  this  rock  shall  fly 
From  his  firm  base  as  soon  as  I.' 

"In  conclusion,  all  I  have  to  say  is  this — We  are 
about  to  part. — When  you  go  to  your  homes,  and  with 
hearts  enraptured  by  all  a  father's  and  a  husband's 
failings — feelings — you  take  your  seats  beside  the  old 
family  firesides,  and  with  the  partners  of  your  bosoms 
getting  supper,  and  your  interesting  progeny  cluster- 
ing on  your  knees, — in  the  midst  of  all  these  blessings 
pause  to  ask  yourselves,  what  are  they?  Your  hearts 
will  answer,  they  are  our  Country!  How  then,  you 
will  inquire,  is  that  country  to  be  preserved,  as  a  rich 


QUODLIBET.  145 

inheritance  to  these  cherubs  ?^who  by  this  time  have 
climbed  as  high  as  your  waistcoat  pockets,  into  which 
they  have,  with  the  natural  instinct  of  young  New 
Lights,  thrust  their  little  fingers — the  response  will  be 
ready — Go  to  the  polls  in  October — go,  determined  to 
sustain  the  everlasting  principles  of  the  New-Light 
Quodlibetarian  Democracy — go,  with  a  firm  resolve  to 
support  no  Mandarin,  no  Middling,  but  to  sustain  an 
unadulterated  True  Grit: — go,  to  vote  for  Theodore 
Fog,  and  your  country  shall  be  forever  great,  pros- 
perous and  happy." 

A  waive  of  the  hand  and  a  bow  showed  that  Theodore 
had  uttered  his  last  words — upon  which  several  rounds 
of  applause,  resembling  the  simultaneous  clapping  of 
wings  and  crowing  of  an  acre  of  cocks,  more  than 
anything  else  I  can  imagine,  shook  the  firmament, 
and,  as  the  old  song  has  it,  "made  the  welkin  roar." 
A  party  of  Tumbledownians,  instigated  by  Gale  Good- 
fellow — (a  wag  who  follows  sporting,  and  keeps  a 
bank — I  mean  a  faro  bank — at  Tumbledown,  a  most 
special  friend  of  Theodore's) — rushed  up  to  the  plat- 
form, and,  seizing  the  orator  in  their  arms,  bore  him  off 
in  triumph  to  the  spring,  where  they  fell  to  celebrating 
their  victory,  in  advance  of  the  election,  over  a  fresh 
supply  of  spirits  produced  by  Gale  Goodfellow  for  the 
occasion.  The  result  was  that  Theodore  was  obliged 
to  be  taken  home  to  Quodlibet  in  a  condition  which 
Mr.  Handy,  who  is  President  of  the  Temperance 
Society,  pronounced  to  be  perfectly  shocking. 

Some  speaking  took  place  after  this  by  several  vol- 
unteers: but  from  the  agitated  condition  of  the  assem- 
blage, and  the  prevalence  of  uproar,  nothing  worthy 
13 


146  QUODLIBET. 

of  notice  transpired,  and  by  sundown  nearly  all  who 
could  get  away  had  retired. 

Quipes  had  been  an  attentive  observer  of  the  earlier 
scenes  of  the  day,  and  as  he  had  his  drawing-book 
with  him,  we  had  reason  to  expect  some  spirited 
sketches  of  the  crowd;  but  the  poor  fellow,  being 
fatigued  and  thirsty,  and  of  a  singularly  weak  head, 
was  overtaken  by  his  drought,  and  was  laid  away  in  the 
afternoon  in  Abel  Brawn's  wagon,  in  which  he  was 
brought  to  Quodlibet,  Neal  Hopper  undertaking  to 
ride  his  horse  back  to  the  Borough. 

The  result  of  this  day's  proceedings  was  unfavorable 
to  the  regular  nomination,  and  highly  auspicious  to 
Theodore  Fog.  It  was  very  evident  that  The  Split  was 
going  to  do  us  a  great  deal  of  harm,  and  this  gave 
much  uneasiness  to  the  club.  The  Whigs  seemed  to 
consider  it  a  good  omen,  and  old  Mr.  Grant  and  his 
party  left  the  field  in  high  spirits. 


QUODLIBET.  147 


CHAPTER  XI. 

THE  DIVISION   OF  THE   PARTY   BECOMES    MORE    DISTINCT — ADMIRABLE 

ADDRESS   OF    ELIPHALET    FOX   AT   THIS    JUNCTURE RESULT   OF    THE 

ELECTION — REJOICINGS  OF  THE  TRUE  GRITS — JESSE  FERRET'S  DIF- 
FICULTIES— IS  TAKEN  TO  TASK  BT  HIS  DAME — CANDID  AVOWAL  OF 
HIS  EMBARRASSMENTS — T.HEODORE  FOG*S  EXPOSITION  OF  TRUE  GRIT 
PRINCIPLES — HIS  GOOD-NATURED  ENCOURAGEMENT  OF  JESSE  FER- 
RET  DABBS'S  TREAT. 

THE  proceedings  at  the  Sycamore  Spring  furnished 
melancholy  evidence  of  the  serious  character  of  the 
split  which  had  taken  place  in  our  ranks.  This  was  a 
source  of  anxious  and  painful  reflection  to  the  New 
Lights.  But  the  assuidity  with  which  we  endeavored 
to  heal  this  dissension  only  made  matters  worse.  The 
Whole  Team,  which,  although  not  within  the  county, 
claimed  to  take  a- deep  interest  in  this  election,  on  the 
score  of  being  within  our  congressional  district,  noticed 
our  divisions  with  much  self-gratulation,  and  made  the 
best  of  them,  by  attacking  Agamemnon  Flag  as  "the 
creature"  (to  use  its  own  unscrupulous  language)  of  the 
Hon.  Middleton  Flam ;  while,  at  the  same  time,  it  opened 
the  flood-gates  of  its  abuse  upon  Theodore  Fog,  as  a 
man  of  "bad  habits,  loose  manners,  and  objectionable 
morals."  The  Bickerbray  Scrutinizer  was  devoted  to 
Flag  and  the  regular  ticket,  and  therefore  defended 
Agamemnon  against  The  Whole  Team,  and  let  fly 
several  arrows  against  Theodore  Fog;  thus  unhappily 
fomenting  the  differences  among  our  friends. 


148  QUODLIBET. 

The  course  pursued  by  Eliphalet  Fox,  at  this  difficult 
juncture,  was  one  calculated  to  raise  him  in  the  esteem 
of  every  true  Quod,  and  to  place  him  on  a  pinnacle 
among  editors.  He  took  none  of  those  middle  grounds 
which  scarcely  ever  fail  to  bring  a  politician  into  con- 
tempt with  both  parties — but,  with  a  boldness  entirely 
peculiar  to  himself,  and  in  the  highest  degree  illustra- 
tive of  the  New-Light  theory,  stoutly  advocated  each 
of  our  candidates,  as  the  course  of  the  canvass  seemed 
to  encourage  their  respective  chances  of  success.  Thus, 
when  Theodore  Fog  first  announced  himself  as  the  in- 
dependent candidate,  and  when  every  one  appeared  to 
regard  this  step  as  an  act  of  presumption  which  could 
not  but  result  in  defeat,  Eliphalet  put  forth  the  follow- 
ing paragraph: — 

"Mister  Theodore  Fog,  of  this  Borough,  an  old 
practitioner  at  more  than  one  bar,  having  waked  up 
one  morning  with  the  idea  that  he  was  born  to  fill  the 
measure  of  his  country's  glory,  as  well  as  he  fills  that 
of  his  own  every  night,  has  conceived  the  sublime  pro- 
ject of  running  on  an  independent  ticket,  in  the  ap- 
proaching election.  We  would  whisper  in  our  friend 
The.'s  ear,  that  he  has  barked  up  the  wrong  tree.  In- 
dependence is  not  a  word  to  be  found  in  the  New-Light 
dictionary.  The  voters  of  this  county  can  never  be 
seduced  from  the  support  of  the  regular  nomination ; 
especially  when  it  is  headed  by  such  a  man  as  Aga- 
memnon Flag,  whose  eloquence,  accomplishments,  and 
remarkable  Democratic  simplicity  of  manners,  as  well 
as  his  perfect  surrender  of  himself  to  the  cause  of  his 
Party?  give  him  the  highest  claim  to  the  consideration 


QUODLIBET.  149 

of  every  right-minded  and  unadulterated  Quod.  Verb, 
sap.  sat." 

Now,  after  the  meeting  of  the  Sycamore  Spring,  a 
new  view  of  matters  broke  upon  Eliphalet's  vision. 
He  was  certainly  taken  by  surprise  at  the  demonstra- 
tion which  that  meeting  afforded  of  Theodore's  strength 
with  the  voters ;  and  in  the  account  of  that  event,  which 
appeared  in  The  Whole  Hog  on  the  succeeding  Sat- 
urday, one  scarcely  knows  whether  most  to  commend 
the  sincerity  of  the  writer,  or  the  justness  of  the 
tribute  paid  to  the  masterly  effort  of  Mr.  Fog. 
Speaking  of  that  effort,  the  editor  employs  this 
language : — 

"In  regard  to  our  esteemed  fellow-townsman,  Theo- 
dore Fog,  the  public  expectation  was  more  than  realized. 
This  unstudied  orator,  with  all  the  freshness  impressed 
upon  his  mind  by  the  mint  of  nature  herself,  con- 
temning the  aid  of  tinsel  show,  and  presenting  him- 
self in  the  homely  habiliments  of  an  unvarnished,  and, 
as  our  adversaries  scoffingly  add,  of  an  unwashed  New 
Light,  poured  forth  a  resistless  flood  of  native  oratory, 
remarkable  for  that  massive  vigor  of  thought,  and 
that  felicity  of  expression,  which  are  the  rare  endow- 
ments only  of  genius,  trained  among  the  people,  and 
whose  soul  is  with  the  people.  He  descanted  upon  the 
brilliant  career  of  our  never-sufficiently-to-be-flattered 
administration,  with  an  effect  that  thrilled  in  the  pulse, 
glowed  in  the  countenance,  and  broke  forth  in  the 
reiterated  shouts  of  every  warm-hearted,  straight-out, 
lead-following,  unagainst-the-wishes-or-commands-of-the 
luminaries-of-the-party-rebelling  New-Light  Democrat 
on  the  ground.  We  are  happy  to  add  our  decided 
13* 


150  QUODL1BET. 

conviction  that  the  election  of  this  staunch  champion 
of  the  real  New  Lights  is  placed  beyond  a  doubt." 

The  intrepidity  of  this  paragraph  will  strike  every 
one  who  reflects  that  the  canvass,  at  the  time  this  ap- 
peared, was  far  from  being  brought  to  a  close;  and 
that  the  result,  whatever  Eliphalet  might  have  thought 
of  it,  was  deemed  exceedingly  doubtful.  Indeed,  we 
had  subsequently  a  proof  given  to  TIS,  in  The  Whole 
Hog  itself,  that  very  serious  opinions  began  to  prevail 
against  the  possibility  of  Mr.  Fog's  carrying  the  day, 
in  opposition  to  Flag. 

The  New-Light  Club,  with  some  few  and  unimportant 
exceptions,  had  determined,  as  they  thought  themselves 
in  duty  bound,  to  sustain  the  regular  ticket,  and  for 
this  purpose,  when  matters  were  running  very  strong 
for  Fog,  and  when,  indeed,  they  began  to  entertain  a 
well-grounded  fear  that  Andy  Grant  might  slip  in  by 
the  aid  of  these  divisions,  resolved  upon  having  a  night 
procession  in  the  Borough.  This  expedient  we  have 
always  resorted  to  with  the  happiest  effects  whenever 
we  have  found  the  hopes  of  the  New  Lights  beginning 
to  ebb;  it  serves  to  animate  our  friends,  by  throwing, 
as  it  were,  a  glare  over  their  minds,  and  to  render 
them  more  docile  to  the  word  of  command  from  those 
who  take  upon  themselves  the  labor  of  judging  for  the 
multitude.  We  now  had  recourse  to  this  device  with  a 
very  flattering,  though  as  it  turned  out  in  the  end,  a 
deceptive  manifestation  of  its  influence  upon  the  elec- 
tion. The  procession  was  made;  paper  lanterns  in 
abundance,  bearing  a  variety  of  inscriptions  of  the 
most  encouraging  exhortation  to  the  friends  of  Flag 
and  the  Ticket,  were  procured  for  the  occasion.  Every 


QUODLIBET.  151 

lantern  and  every  banner  had  written  upon  it  FLAM, 
in  the  hope  thus  to  identify  the  ticket  with  our  dis- 
tinguished representative  in  Congress,  and  bring  in 
the  aid  of  his  great  name  to  our  cause.  Mottoes, 
having  reference  to  "the  Old  Hero  of  the  Hermitage," 
were  also  profusely  used,  and  even  the  Hickory  Tree 
was  reared  aloft  in  the  procession,  covered  with  small 
cup  lamps  in  imitation  of  its  fruit.  Every  one  in 
Quodlibet  supposed  that  this  stroke  of  the  procession 
settled  the  matter.  It  undoubtedly  converted  the 
Borough  and  brought  it  into  the  utmost  harmony  on 
our  side.  But  the  Tumbledownians,  among  whom 
Fog's  great  strength  was  found,  were  not  there;  and 
from  Bickerbray  the  delegation  was  not  as  large  as  it 
ought  to  have  been.  Still,  the  evidence  of  popular 
support  to  the  ticket  was  deemed  conclusive;  so  much 
so,  that  Eliphalet  Fox's  next  editorial  referred  to  it  as 
"indicative  of  the  stern  resolve  of  the  New  Lights, 
once  and  forever,  to  crush  the  insubordinate  and  re- 
bellious temper  with  which  certain  factious  and  dis- 
contented pretenders  to  the  name  of  Democrats  had 
endeavored  to  sow  discord  in  the  ranks  of  the  faithful, 
by  setting  up  the  absurd  doctrine  of  independent 
opinion — a  doctrine  so  fatal  to  the  New-Light  De- 
mocracy wherever  it  has  been  allowed.  Agamemnon 
Flag,"  the  editor  proceeded  to  remark,  "was  not  a  man 
to  be  put  down  by  the  frothy,  ginger-pop  eloquence 
engendered  in  the  hot  atmosphere  of  cock-tail  and 
julep  manufactories.  Mr.  Fog  may  now  perceive  that 
his  secret  perambulations  to  spre;M  dissension  in  the 
New-Light  ranks,  and  his  hypocritical  boast  of  Inde- 
pendence will  be  scowled  upon  by  every  honest  eye 


152  QUODLIBET. 

and  spurned  by  every  honest  tongue  which  are  to  be 
found  among  the  high-minded  New-Light  yeomanry 
of  Quodlibet,  Bickerbray,  Tumbledown,  and  the  adja- 
cent parts." 

The  election  soon  after  this  took  place,  when, 
greatly  to  the  astonishment  of  our  club,  and  in  fact 
of  the  whole  party,  the  result  was  announced  to  be  as 
set  forth  in  this  table : — 

Quods.  Whig. 

Theodore  Fog,          1191.        Andrew  Grant,  1039. 
Abram  Schoolcraft,  1084. 
Curtius  Short,  1063. 

Agamemnon  Flag,      758. 

Thus  it  appeared  that  Theodore  Fog  far  outran  the 
rest  of  the  ticket,  and  that  Agamemnon  Flag  fell  con- 
siderably below  the  Whig  vote. 

Eliphalet  Fox,  greatly  delighted  at  the  triumph  of 
this  election,  lost  no  time  in  publishing  a  handbill  an- 
nouncing the  issue.  It  was  headed 

"GLORIOUS  VICTORY!  QUODLIBET  ERECT!" 

and  proceeded  to  descant  on  the  event  in  this  wise: — 
"We  have  never  for  a  moment  permitted  ourselves 
to  doubt  that  our  estimable  fellow-townsman  Theodore 
Fog,  one  of  the  purest,  most  disinterested  and  ablest 
Democrats  of  the  glorious  New-Light  Quodlibetarian 
School,  would  lead  the  polls;  and,  indeed,  WQ  took 
occasion  to  insinuate  as  much  after  his  celebrated 
speech  at  the  Sycamore  Spring,  which  it  was  our 


QUODLIBET.  153 

good  fortune  to  hear,  and  which,  as  an  exposition 
of  sound  New-Light  principles,  gave  us  such  unmixed 
delight.  We  cannot  but  feel  regret  that  Mr.  Flag's 
friends  should  have  so  inconsiderately  consented  to 
place  his  name  on  the  ticket,  before  they  had  ascer- 
tained Mr.  Fog's  views  in  regard  to  the  election.  An 
understanding  upon  this  subject  would  have  saved 
them  the  mortification  of  presenting  a  name  which, 
from  the  first,  we  felt  a  presentiment  was  destined  to 
incur  defeat;  and  it  would  have  spared  Mr.  Flag  the 
pain  he  must  suffer  in  the  present  event.  The  youth 
of  this  gentleman,  his  want  of  acquaintance  with  the 
people,  arising,  doubtless,  from  the  imperfection  of  his 
vision,  and  his  unfortunate  espousal  of  the  Iron  Railing 
Compromise,  very  obviously  stood  in  the  way  of  his 
success.  A  day  will,  however,  come  around  when,  in 
our  judgment,  the  people  will  do  justice  to  his  pre- 
tension, which  we  undertake  to  say  is  considerable." 

From  these  extracts,  the  reader  is  already  prepared 
to  exclaim  with  me,  Oh,  excellent  Eliphalet  Fox — 
mirror  of  editors— pillar  of  the  New-Light  faith! 
What  exquisite  address,  what  consummate  skill  hast 
thou  not  evinced  in  these  editorial  effusions!  Methinks 
I  see  Eliphalet,  a  tide-waiter  on  events,  watching  the 
ebb  and  flow  of  popular  opinion;  ever  ready,  at  a 
moment's  warning,  to  launch  his  little  boat  of  editor- 
ship on  the  biggest  wave,  and  upon  that  wave  to  ride 
secure  beyond  the  breakers,  out  upon  the  glassy  ocean 
of  politics  and  then,  after  taking  an  observation  of  the 
wind,  to  trim  his  sail  with  such  nautical  forecast  as 
shall  make  him  sure  to  be  borne  along  with  the  breeze 
toward  whatever  haven  it  shall  please  the  higher 


154  QUODLIBET. 

powers  to  direct  him;  sagaciously  counting  in  such 
haven  to  find  the  richest  return  on  his  little  stock 
of  ventures.  I  see  his  meager,  attenuated,  diminutive 
person,  elevated  on  a  footstool  six  inches  above  the 
floor,  behind  a  high  but  somewhat  rickety  desk,  in  the 
northwest  corner  of  his  lumber-filled  office,  where  scis- 
sor-clipped  gazettes  are  strewed,  elbow  deep,  over  an 
old  walnut  table,  and  where  three  dingy  caricatures  of 
Harry  Clay,  Nic  Biddle,  and  John  C.  Calhoun,  are 
tacked  against  his  smoky  walls ;  there  I  see  him  quiet, 
but  at  work,  with  pen  in  hand,  ever  and  anon  darting 
his  cat-like  eye  at  the  door,  upon  each  new-comer  who 
comes  to  tell  the  news  of  the  canvass.  I  hear  his 
husky,  dry,  and  querulous  voice,  tisicky  and  quick, 
asking,  how  goes  it  in  Bickefbray?  What  from  Tum- 
bledown? and  as  he  receives  his  answer  pro  or  con., 
Fog  or  Flag,  he  turns  to  his  half-scribbled  sheet  to 
remould  his  paragraph,  with  the  dexterity  of  an  old 
and  practiced  Quod,  in  such  phrase  as  shall  assuredly 
earn  him  the  good- will  of  the  winner.  Rare  Elipha- 
let!  Admirable  Fox!  Incomparable  servant  of  an 
incomparable  master ! 

It '  is  with  a  sad  and  melancholy  sincerity  I  record 
the  fact,  that  this  election  left  behind  it  much  heart- 
burning in  Quodlibet.  The  New-Light  Democracy 
were  now  broken  into  three  parts,  the  Mandarins,  the 
Middlings,  and  the  True  Grits ;  and  Theodore  Fog,  in 
command  of  the  True  Grits,  had  evidently  got  the 
upper  hand.  The  defeat  of  Agamemnon  Flag  was  .-a 
severe  blow  to  our  distinguished  representative,  the 
Hon.  Middleton  Flam,  and  no  less  galling  to  Nicode- 
mus  Handy;  for  these  three  worthy  gentlemen  were 


QUODL1BET.  155 

undoubtedly  at  the  head  of  the  Mandarins,  and  their 
overthrow  on  the  present  occasion  led  to  unpleasant 
consequences  which  I  shall  be  called  upon  to  notice 
hereafter. 

The  first  unhappy  fruit  of  this  election  was  of  a 
domestic  nature,  and  wrought  very  seriously  against 
the  peace  of  our  friend  Jesse  Ferret. 

For  three  days  and  nights  after  the  publication  of 
the  polls,  all  Quodlibet  was  alive  with  the  rejoicings 
of  the  True  Grits  at  the  success  of  Theodore  Fog. 
The  bar-room  of  The  Hero  was  full  all  day  with  these 
energetic  friends  of  the  prosperous  candidate;  and  it 
is  worthy  of  remark  that  .their  number  was  vastly 
greater  than  was  shown  by  the  ballot  box,  many  more 
individuals  claiming  the  honor  of  having  voted  for  him 
than  the  return  of  the  polls  would  authorize  us  to 
believe ;  all  night  long  bonfires  blazed,  drums  and  fifes 
disturbed  the  repose  of  the  Borough,  and  processions, 
not  remarkable  for  their  decorum,  marched  from  house 
to  house  with  Theodore  mounted  in  a  chair,  borne  on 
the  shoulders  of  sturdy  True  Grits.  A  hundred  torches 
in  the  hands  of  thirty  men  and  seventy  boys,  flared  on 
the  signs  and  flickered  on  the  walls  of  Quodlibet,  and 
fifty  negroes,  great  and  small,  ragged  and  patched, 
hatless  and  hatted,  slip-shod  and  barefoot,  leaped, 
danced,  limped,  and  hobbled  in  wide-spread  concourse 
around  black  Isaac  the  Kent  bugle  player,  and  yellow 
Josh  the  clarionet  man,  who  struck  in  with  the  drum 
and  fife  to  the  tune  of  Jim  Crow,  about  the  center  of 
the  column.  Flan  Sucker  was  installed  grand  mar- 
shal of  this  procession,  and  was  called  KING  OF  THE 
TRUE  GRITS;  while  Ben  Inky,  Sim  Travers,  Jeff 


156  QUODHBET. 

Drinker,  and  More  M'Nulty,  served  along  the  flanks 
as  his  lieutenants;  the  whole  array  huzzaing  at  every 
corner,  and  stopping  to  refresh  every  time  they  caine 
into  the  neighborhood  of  Peter  Ounce's,  Jesse  Ferret's, 
or  the  smaller  ordinaries  which  the  rapid  growth  of 
Quodlibet  had  supplied  in  various  quarters  to  relieve 
the  drought  of  its  inhabitants. 

This  state  of  things,  as  I  have  said,  continued  for 
three  days  after  the  election.  At  the  end  of  that 
period,  Jesse  Ferret,  somewhere  about  noon,  was  in  his 
bar  casting  up  his  accounts.  He  wore  a  serious,  dis- 
turbed countenance — not  because  his  accounts  showed 
a  bad  face ;  for  so  far  from  that,  the  late  jubilee  had 
very  considerably  increased  his  capital  in  trade,  but 
because  his  rest  had  been  broken — and  Jesse  never 
could  bear  to  lose  his  sleep.  While  he  was  engaged  in 
summing  up  these  recent  gains,  his  worthy  spouse 
entered  the  bar  and  quietly  seated  herself  in  a  chair 
behind  him.-  The  expression  of  her  face  showed  that 
her  thoughts  were  occupied  with  matter  of  interesting 
import :  a  slight  frown  sat  upon  her  brow,  her  lips 
were  partially  compressed,  and  her  fat  'arms  made  an 
attempt  to  cross  each  other  on  her  bosom.  The  chair 
was  too  small  for  her ;  and,  from  her  peculiar  configu- 
ration, one  looking  at  her  in  a  full  front  view  would 
not  .be  likely  to  conjecture  she  was  seated,  but  rather 
that  she  was  a  short  and  dumpy  woman,  and  leaned 
against  some  prop  for  rest — the  line  from  her  chin  to 
her  toe  being  that  of  the  face  of  a  pyramid.  Her 
posture  denoted  an  assumed  patience.  So  quietly  had 
she  entered  the  inclosure  of  the  bar,  that  Jesse  was 
altogether  ignorant  of  her  presence,  and  therefore 


QUODLIBET.  157 

continued  at  his  occupation.  It  was  not  long,  how- 
ever, before  his  attention  was  awakened  to  the  interest- 
ing fact  that  his  wife  was  behind  him,  by  the  salutation, 
conveyed  in  a  rather  deep-toned  voice,  "  Jesse  Ferret, 
how  long  are  you  agoing  to  be  poking  over  them  ac- 
counts ?" 

Jesse  turned  short  round,  in  some  surprise  at  the 
sound  of  these  well-known  accents  so  near  him,  and, 
surveying  the  dame  for  an  instant,  replied — 

"Bless  me,  Polly!  how  came  you  here?  You  go 
about  like  one  of  them  church-yard  vaporations  that 
melts  in  thin  air  and  frightens  children  in  the  dead  of 
night.  What  did  you  want  with  me,  my  love  ?" 

"I  want  to  know,"  said  Mrs.  Ferret,  "who's  master 
of  this  house — you  or  me  ?  Ef  I'm  the  master,  say  so 
— but  ef  you're  the  master,  then  act  as  sich.  It  ain't 
no  longer  to  be  endured,  this  shilly-shally,  visy-versy 
politicks  of  yourn.  Here  you  are  casting  up  of  the 
accounts  this  blessed  day,  and  please  Heaven,  if  there's 
one  cent  got  into  the  till  in  the  three  days  that  have 
gone  by,  the  last  person  in  the  world  to  thank  for  it 
is  yourself,  Jesse  Ferret.  Theodore  Fog's  in — got  in 
by  a  vote  that  one  might  say's  almost  magnanimous, 
and  he's  got  all  the  thirstiest  men  in  this  Borough 
under  his  thumb — and  he's  been  pouring  'em  in  here 
in  shoals,  which  he  wouldn't  have  done,  one  man  of 
'era,  ef  it  hadn't  a  been  for  my  principles,  which  goes 
the  whole  hog — and  you  so  contrairy,  constantly  a 
giving  out  your  no  sides — it's  raly  abominable !  and 
time  you  should  change,  Jesse  Ferret,  it  is." 

"Why,  my  dear,  don't  you  see  the  good  of  it  ?"  said 
Mr.  Ferret,  in  a  mild,  good-natured  tone  of  expostula- 
14 


158  QUODLIBET. 

tion.  "The  very  best  thing  we  can  do  is  for  you  to  go 
on  as  you  are  doing,  and  me  to  go  on  as  I  am.  Here's 
come  up  a  great  split  in  the  party ;  and  presently,  as 
sure  as  you  are  born,  they'll  be  having  their  separate 
houses  and  making  party  questions  out  of  it :  then,  my 
dear,  you  know  Theodore  Fog  and  his  people  counts 
you  as  a  sort  of  sun-dial  to  their  side,  and  goes  almost 
by  your  pinting.  And  then  the  others,  you  know, 
can't  have  nothing  to  find  fault  against  me  upon  ac- 
count of  my  sentiments :  so,  in  this  way  we  shall  get 
the  custom  of  the  thorough-stitchers,  the  half-and-halfs, 
the  promiscuous,  and  of  every  kind  of  stripe  that's 
going.  Can't  you  see  into  it,  Mrs.  Ferret?" 

"No,  I  cannot  see  into  it,"  replied  the  landlady. 
"  In  the  first  place,  them  Mandarins,  as  The.  Fog  says, 
is  not  worth  the  looking  after  in  our  line — they  drink 
nothing  but  Champagne  and  Madeery,  and  ef  they  do 
sometimes  send  down  to  our  bar  for  ourn,  they  are  sure 
to  turn  up  their  noses  at  it,  and  say  it's  sour.  Didn't 
Nicodemus  Handy  tell  me  to  my  face  that  my  Anchor 
Brand,  which  you've  got  on  the  top  shelf,  and  which 
cost  you  six  dollars  a  basket  at  auction,  was  nothing 
but  turnip-juice? — and  did  you  ever  know  Middleton 
Flam  to  call  for  as  much  as  a  thimbleful  of  your 
liquors,  with  all  his  preachings  and  parleyings  in  this 
house  ?  No,  you  did  not :  and  it's  your  duty  to  cast 
off  your  bucket  o'  both  sides,  and  go  in  for  The.  with 
the  True  Grits,  as  he  calls  them ;  and  true  enough 
they  are  in  the  drinking  line ! — that,  nobody  who  knows 
them,  will  deny.  I'm  tired,  Jesse  Ferret,  and  fretted 
down  to  the  very  bone,  at  being  put  upon  in  this  here 
way,  having  to  keep  up  the  politicks  of  this  house, 


QUODLIBET.  159 

which  I  don't  think  you  haint  no  right  to  do,  I  don't. 
I'm  been  a  talking  to  you  about  this  tell  I'm  tired,  and 
I  wonder  you  can  be  so  obstinate,  considering  I  take  it 
so  much  to  heart." 

"Now,  Polly,"  interposed  our  landlord  with  an 
affectionate  remonstrance,  intended  to  soothe  Mrs. 
Ferret's  feelings,  "many's  the  struggle  I've  had  on 
this  here  very  topic  with  my  own  conscience;  I  may 
say  I  have  wrestled  for  it  at  the  very  bottom  of  my 
nature.  But  the  case  is  this,  and  I'll  explain  it  to  you 
once  for  all.  I've  got  a  sentiment  at  the  core  of  my 
heart,  which  is  a  secret  in  regard  of  these  here  poli- 
ticks. I  wish  to  go  right — you  know  I  do — but  if  I 
only  kiiowed  what  sentiments  to  take  up : — there's  the 
mystery.  If  I  knowed  that,  I  should  feel  easy;  but  I 
never  could  keep  any  principles,  upon  account  of  the 
changes.  Before  a  plain,  simple  man  can  cleverly  tell 
'where  he  is,  everything  has  whisked  away  in  the  con- 
trairy  direction.  One  year  we  are  '  all  tariff,'  and  the 
next,  '  down  with  it  as  an  abomination.'  Here  we  go 
'for  canals  and  railroads!' — a  crack  of  the  whip,  and 
there  we  are  all  t'other  side.  'No  electioneering 
of  officers  !'  cries  out  the  captain  of  the  squad.  '  Turn 
that  fellow  out,  he  don't  work  for  the  party !'  cries  the 
very  same  captain  in  the  very  next  breath.  '  Retrench- 
ment and  reform!'  says  every  big  fellow  there  at 
Washington;  and  the  same  words  are  bawled  all  the 
way  down  among  us,  even  to  Theodore  Fog; — 'Damn 
the  expense !'  (the  Lord  forgive  me  for  using  such 
words,)  says  the  very  same  fellows  in  the  same  breath, 
'  stick  on  a  million  here  and  a  million  there — the  more 
the  merrier !'  And  so  we  go.  Here,  t'other  day,  this 


160  QUODLIBET. 

here  Sub-Treasury  was  monarchy  and  revolution  to 
boot,  and  treason  outright;  and  now,  what  it  is,  every 
man's  afeard  to  say — some's  for,  some's  against — 
some's  both,  and  all's  in  a  state  of  amalgamation, 
perplexity,  and  caterwauling  unaccountable.  What 
between  specy  circlars,  anti-masons,  pocketing  of  bills, 
(Lord  knows  what  that  means !)  vetoes,  distribution, 
fortifications,  abolition,  running  down  Indians,  and 
running  up  accounts,  politics  has  got  into  a  jumble 
that  a  Philadelphy  lawyer  couldn't  steer  through  them. 
A  poor  publican  has  a  straining  time  of  it,  Polly.  He 
can't  get  right  if  he  tries — and  if  he  does  blunder 
upon  it,  he  can't  stay  right  six  months,  let  him  do  his 
best — morally  impossible !  That's  where  it's  a  matter 
o'  conscience  with  me ;  and  my  conclusion  is,  in  such  a 
mucilaginous  state  of  affairs,  a  man  who  wants  to  ac- 
commodate the  public  must  be  either  all  sides  or  no 
sides ;  and,  therefore  I  say,  my  motto  is,  a  publican 
should — leastways  I  speak  in  regard  to  these  times — 
have  no  sides.  And  there's  the  whole  matter  laid  out 
to  you,  Polly,  my  wife."  - 

"All  sides,  any  day,  before  No  sides !"  replied  Mrs. 
Ferret.  "As  Susan  Barndollar  says,  stick  to  your 
colors  and  they'll  carry  you  to  sides  a  plenty,  I'll  war- 
rant you.  Don't  Theodore  Fog  tell  us  the  Democ- 
racy's a  trying  of  experiments — and,  Lord  bless  us  ! 
ef  they  haint  carried  you  on  sides  enough,  then  you 
are  an  unreasonable  man.  Principle  isn't  principle — 
it's  following  of  your  party: — you  change  when  it 
changes,  whereby  you  are  always  right.  Now,  these 
here  True  Grits  is  two  to  one  to  the  Mandarins  and 
Middlings  both,  and  they  devour,  yes,  ten  times  as 


QUODLIBET.  161 

much  liquor.  Ef  you  had  an  eye  in  your  head,  you'd 
come  out  a  True  Grit — it's  a  naiteral  tavern-keeper's 
politics." 

"'Spose,  my  dear,"  said  Jesse,  waxing  warm,  "things 
takes  a  turn  off  hand.  'Spose  these  True  Grits  are  up- 
set— as  I  shouldn't  wonder  they  would  be,  as  soon  as 
Middleton  Flam  comes  home  from  Congress,  and  winds 
up  the  people  right  again — as  he  has  often  done  be- 
fore— am  I  going  to  run  my  head  against  a  post  by 
offending  the  whole  New-Light  Club,  which  meets  at 
our  house,  and  make  enemies  by  having  sentiments 
of  my  own?  You  don't  know  me,  Polly  Ferret." 

"Well,  and  ef  things  does  take  a  turn?"  replied  the 
wife,  "is  there  anythink  new  in  that,  in  this  Borough? 
Haint  we  had  turns  before?  Theodore  Fog  will  turn 
with  'em — that's  his  principle — that's  my  principle, 
and  it  -ought,  by  rights,  to  be  yourn.  Doesn't  the 
schoolmaster  tell  you  to  stick  to  the  upper  side? 
Doesn't  our  member,  Middleton  Flam,  tell  you  the 
same  thing,  and  Nicodemus  Handy,  and  Liphlet  Fox  ? 
There's  your  own  barkeeper,  Nim  Porter,  that's 
asleep  in  yander  winder,  who's  got  more  sense  than 
you  have;  he  knows  what  side  his  bread's  buttered — 
and  even  your  own  child,  Susan  Barndollar,  though 
she  stuck  out  for  the  nomination,  isn't  such  a  ninny  as 
to  have  no  principles.  "We're  Dimmycrats,  and  always 
counts  with  the  majority ;  and  that's  safe  whichever 
way  it  goes;  and,  as  I  said  before,  no  mortal  man  can 
find  out  a  better  side  than  that  for  a  tavern-keeper. 
But  it's  the  Whigs  your're  a  courting,  Jesse  Ferret — 
the  Whigs,  neither  more  nor  less — and  it's  pitiful  in 
you  to  be  so  sneaking." 

14* 


162  QUODLIBET. 

"Polly,  if  you  aint  got  no  better  language  than 
that  to  use  to  me,"  exclaimed  Ferret,  under  con- 
siderable excitement,  "I'd  advise  you  to  hold  your 
tongue." 

"My  tongue's  my  own,  Mr.  Ferret,"  replied  the 
landlady,  "  and  I  don't  want  none  of  your  advice  what 
I'm  to  do  with  it.  I  have  used  it  long  enough  to 
know  how  to  keep  it  a  running,  and  how  to  stop  it, 
without  being  taught  by  you." 

"I've  got  no  right  to  listen  to  you,  if  I  don't 
choose,"  retorted  the  landlord.  "Women  has  their 
milking  and  churning  to  look  after,  and,  to  my  think- 
ing, they'd  best  attend  to  that,  instead  of  skreiking 
out  politics  in  public  bar-rooms — that's  my  opinion, 
Mrs.  Ferret." 

"Women,  indeed! — for  you  to  talk  about  women! — 
You're  the  laughing-stock  of  all  the  petticoats  of  our 
Borough,"  said  the  wife,  in  a  high  key  of  exacerbation. 
"Mrs.  Younghusband,  and  Mrs.  Snuffers,  and  Mrs. 
Doubleday  makes  you  a  continual  banter,  and  it 
hurts  my  feelings  as  the  mother  of  your  children,  it 
does." 

"Seize  Mrs.  Younghusband,  and  Mrs.  Snuffers,  and 
Mrs.  Doubleday,  all  three!"  exclaimed  Ferret  in  a 
sort  of  demi-oath. 

"What's  that  you  said,  Mr.  Ferret?" 

"I  said  seize  'em!  and  I  don't  care  the  rinsings 
of  that  glass  if  you  tell  'em  so, — a  set  of  man- 
drakes." 

"  Oh,  Jesse  Ferret,  Jesse  Ferret, — as  a  man  who 
sets  up  to  be  an  example,  what  are  you  coming  to!" 
exclaimed  the  landlady,  with  uplifted  hands.  "  Ef  your 


QTJODLIBET.  163 

children  could  hear  such  profanity.  I  declare  to  pa- 
tience, you'd  try  the  quarters  of  the  meekest  mother 
in  the  universe." 

How  far  this  conjugal  outflash  might  have  gone  in 
its  natural  course,  it  is  impossible  for  me  to  say; 
although  Nim  Porter,  who  pretended  to  be  asleep  all 
the  time,  and  who  heard  every  word  of  it,  and  related 
it  with  much  pleasantry  to  me,  says  he  has  often  wit- 
nessed these  breezes  between  this  worthy  couple,  and 
always  found  that  they  made  up  as  soon  as  Mrs.  Ferret 
got  out  of  breath — which,  by-the-by,  she  being  short- 
winded,  generally  occurred  in  about  half  an  hour  from 
the  -first  rising  of  her  anger;  but,  on  the  present  occa- 
sion, it  was  happily  interrupted  by  the  entrance  of 
Theodore  Fog,  Dabbs,  the  foreman  in  Eliphalet  Fox's 
printing-office,  Flan  Sucker,  More  M'Nulty,  and  Sim 
Travers,  who  all  marched  directly  up  to  the  bar.  I 
had  entered  upon  the  heels  of  this  party,  and  having 
taken  up  "The  Whole  Hog"  for  my  perusal,  in  one 
corner  of  the  room,  was  myself  a  witness  to  the  scene 
that  followed. 

Nim  Porter,  who  was  seated  in  an  elbow-chair, 
resting  the  back  of  his  head  against  a  window-sill 
at  the  opposite  end  of  the  bar-room  and  counter- 
feiting sleep,  was  now  roused  up  to  attend  to  the 
customers. 

"My  dear  Mrs.  Ferret — paragon  of  landladies," 
said  Fog,  "Pillar — yes,  bolster  of  our  cause — some 
drink !  Dabbs  owes  a  treat,  and  we  have  resolved  that 
the  libation  shall  be  made  under  the  eye  of  our  own 
queen.  Dabbs,  say  what  the  mixture  shall  be;  I'm 
not  particular — my  throat  is  a  turnpike  traveled  by  all 


164  QUODLIBET. 

imaginable  potations.  A  mint  julep,  Dabbs?  gentle- 
men! Flan,  a  julep?  Yes?  A  julep,  a  julep  all 
round.  Agreed  to,  nem.  con.  Mrs.  Ferret,  five  juleps ; 
charge  Dabbs — Dabbs's  treat." 

Mrs.  Ferret's  anger  against  her  spouse  gradually 
faded  under  this  accost;  a  slight  glimpse  of  sunshine 
began  to  break  over  her  visage  as  she  addressed  her- 
self to  the  task  of  preparing  the  required  compounds, 
and  Nim  Porter  busied  himself  in  picking  sprigs  of 
mint  from  a  large  bouquet  of  that  invaluable  plant, 
which  flourished  in  native  verdure  over  the  rim  of  a 
two  quart  tumbler,  in  which  it  seemed  to  grow  as  in  a 
flower-pot. 

Ferret  had  retreated  from  the  bar  toward  the  door 
which  looked  upon  the  street;  and  Theodore  Fog,  who, 
as  the  truth  must  be  spoken,  was  at  this  hour  very 
considerably  advanced  toward  his  customary  zenith  of 
excitement,  thrust  his  hands  under  the  skirts  of  his 
striped  gingham  coatee,  and  strutted  -with  the  air  of 
a  prime  minister  in  a  farce,  around  the  room. 

"Nim,"  said  he, 

'  Bid  thy  mistress,  when  my  drink  is  ready, 
She  strike  upon  the  bell.' 

Ferret — glorious  turn  out,  Ferret.  True  Grits  all 
alive.  Pound  that  ice  fine,  Nim — no  water,  recollect. 
First-rate  fellows,  Ferret — go  the  whole — real  Quods — 
diamonds." 

"Hope  you'll  mend  matters  now,  Mr.  Fog,  since 
you've  got  in,"  said  Ferret.  "I'm  for  giving  every  one 
a  chance;  wish  you  success." 


QUODLIBET.  165 

"Of  course  you  do,  Ferret,"  replied  Fog;  "and  so 
you  would  have  wished  Ag  Flag  success  if  he'd 
got  in." 

"Or  Andy  Grant,  either,"  said  Mrs.  Ferret;  "my 
husband's  not  partikler." 

"You're  right,  Ferret — you're  right!"  interrupted 
Fog,  "always  go  with  the  current — that's  sound  phi- 
losophy— that's  my  rule.  Dabbs,  isn't  that  meta- 
physics? Flan,  don't  you  call  that  the  true  theory 
of  the  balance  of  power?  Gentlemen,  I  submit  it  to 
you  all." 

"Real  True-Grit  doctrine,"  said  Flan;  "find  out 
how  the  cat  jumps — then  go  ahead." 

"Fundamental,  that,"  said  Dabbs;  "principles 
change,  measures  vary,  names  rise  and  fall,  but  ma- 
jority is  always  majority." 

"Bravo,  Dabbs!"  ejaculated  Theodore  Fog;  "  Tem- 
pora  mutantur  et  nos  mutamur  cum  illis — that's  our 
True-Grit  motto.  The  nominative  case  always  agrees 
with  the  verb;  the  people  are  the  verb,  we're  the 
nominative  case.  That's  logic,  Mrs.  Ferret.  Nim, 
how  have  you  made  out  in  these  illustrious  'three 
days?'" 

"Cursed  sleepy,"  answered  Nim.  Porter,  who  was 
now  brewing  the  drink  by  pouring  it  from  one  tumbler 
to  another;  "haven't  had  three  hours  rest  in  the  whole 
three  nights.  No  right  to  complain  though — won  four 
bets — had  two  to  one  against  Andy  Grant  with  Tomp- 
kinson — and  even  against  Ag  with  three  of  the  New- 
Light  Club.  I  knew  d — d  well  how  it  was  going,  ever 
since  the  meeting  at  the  Sycamore  Spring.  Fog,  you 


1GC  QUODLIBET. 

touched  tliem  fellows  that  work  on  the  Bickerbray  and 
Meltpenny  Road  'twixt  wind  and  water." 

"Didn't  I?"  exclaimed  Fog;  "I  opine  I  did;  un- 
equivocally, I  fancy  I  did.  I  venture  to  add,  with  all 
possible  energy  of  asseveration,  that  I  did  that  thing, 
Nim.  That's  what  I  call  walking  into  the  under- 
standing of  the  independent,  electoral  constituent 
body ;  and  the  best  of  it  is,  we  got  them  their  votes, 
you  dog!" 

"You  didn't  lose  no  votes  that  I  could  bring  you," 
said  Mrs.  Ferret,  "although  you  didn't  get  Jesse's. 
But  that  wa'n't  much  loss — f<}r  Jesse's  of  little  ac- 
count anyhow,  and  hasn't  the  influence  of  a  chicken  in 
this  Borough — as  no  man  hasn't,  whose  afeard  of  his 
shadow." 

"Well,  we  don't  want  to  hear  no  more  about  that," 
interrupted  the  landlord.  "Mr.  Fog  knows  it  wasn't 
ill  will  to  him — but  only  my  principle,  that  publicans 
had  best  not  take  sides." 

"And  who  has  a  right  to  object  to  that?"  exclaimed 
Fog.  "Give  us  your  hand,  Jesse — I'd  do  the  same 
thing  myself,  if  I  were  in  your  place." 

"Well,  ef  you  aint  the  forgivingest  creature,  Mr. 
Fog!"  said  the  landlady. 

"Mrs.  Ferret,  your  health! — gentlemen,  take  your 
respective  glasses — Dabbs,  your  health — Jesse — Flan — 
all  of  you — Success  to  the  True  Grits!  Top  off, 


They  all  drank. 

Fog  applied  the  tumbler  to  his  lips;  looked  straight 
forward,  with  what  might  be  called  a  fixed  stare  upon 


QUODLIBET.  167 

vacancy,  his  eyes  expressing  the  deep  emotion  of  sen- 
sual pleasure  which  the  icy  compound  inspired  as  it 
slowly  flowed  over  his  palate,  and  for  a  full  minute 
employed  himself  without  pause  in  draining  the  con- 
tents of  his  glass — gradually  and  slowly  arching 
back  his  head  until  the  last  drop  trickled  from  the 
bottom. 

"Amazing  seductive  beverage,  Mrs.  Ferret!"  he 
said  as  he  smacked  his  lips,  and  set  the  tumbler  down 
upon  the  board.  "Fascinating  potation!  If  I  were 
not  an  example  of  consummate  prudence,  and  the 
most  circumspect  being  not  yet  gathered  within  the 
pale  of  the  Temperance  Society,  my  virtue  would  have 
fallen  a  victim  before  this  to  that  enticing  cordial,  Mrs. 
Ferret.  But  I'm  proof — I  have  been  sorely  tried,  and 
have  come  out  of  the  furnace,  as  you  see  me,  superior 
to  the  temptations  of  this  wicked  world.  Dabbs,  poney 
up — we  must  go  to  the  raffle,  which  begins  in  five 
minutes  at  Rhody  M'Caw's  stable — that  pacing  roan, 
Nim — you'll  be  there,  of  course : — in  your  line.  Come, 
gentlemen — don't  wipe  your  mouths  with  your  sleeves 
— let  the  odor  exhale.  As  some  poet  somewhere  says, 
speaking  of  a  mint  julep, 

'  Sweet  vale  of  Ovoca,  how  calm  could  I  rest, — 
If  there's  a  drink  upon  earth 
It  is  this— it  is  this.' 

Not  the  words  exactly — but  something  in  that  run. 
Jesse,  the  Flower  of  Quodlibet — Mrs.  Ferret,  Queen 
of  the  Spear  Mint — good-by.  Nim,  you  rascal — 
after  the  raffle  is  over,  expect  to  see  me  as  dry  as  an 
oven." 


168  QUODLIBET. 

When  Fog  had  delivered  himself  of  this  rhapsody — 
which,  no  doubt,  has  impressed  the  reader  with  the 
conviction  that  this  noontide  glass  had  done  its  work 
upon  the  brain  of  our  new  representative  in  the  Legis- 
lature— the  whole  party  made  their  exit;  and  Jesse 
Ferret,  anxious  to  avoid  another  conference  with  his 
dame,  professing  a  wish  to  witness  the  raffle,  followed 
in  their  footsteps. 


QUODLIBET.  169 


CHAPTER  XII. 

THIKD  EEA— DIVISIONS  IN  QUODLIBET  CONTINUE— FOMENTED  BY  THE 

WOMEN FOG    RATHER   DISAPPOINTS    HIS    FRIENDS    BY    HIS    COURSE 

IN  THE  LEGISLATURE PROSTRATION  OF  BUSINESS  IN  THE  BOROUGH 

TRACED  TO  THE  MERCHANTS MR.  FLAM*S  OPINION  OF  THEM,  AND 

THE    CONSEQUENCE    THEREOF  —  INDIGNATION    OF    THE    NEW   LIGHTS 

AGAINST  THEM FOG'S    EULOGIUM  UPON  THEM MOVEMENTS  OF  THE 

TRUE  GRITS FOX'S  SKILLFUL  MANAGEMENT THE  TIGERT AIL  AFFAIR 

MYSTERIOUS    TERMINATION    OF    IT NIM  PORTER'S  INDISCRETION. 

THE  design  of  this  little  book  forbids- that  I  should 
do  more  than  cursorily  touch  upon  many  incidents  in 
the  history  of  Quodlibet,  which,  although  abundant  of 
interest  to  the  curious  reader,  are  not  so  immediately 
connected  with  the  main  purpose  of  this  work — that 
purpose  being  to  unfold  the  operation  of  the  great 
principle  of  the  New-Light  Quodlibetarian  theory. 

Whenever  the  time  shall  arrive,  as  I  would  fain  per- 
suade myself  it  must,  in  which  the  public  shall  feel 
such  concern  in  the  affairs  of  Quodlibet  as  to  demand 
of  me  a  full  disclosure  of  the  treasures  of  my  MSS.,  I 
shall  greatly  delight  in  spreading  before  it  many  par- 
ticulars which  I  have  collected,  having  reference  to  the 
private  concernments  and  domestic  transactions  of  our 
people  and  their  sundry  ways  in  regard  to  many  mat- 
ters which  do  not  fall  within  the  scope  of  my  present 
undertaking.  For,  truly,  the  history  of  Quodlibet  will 
be  found,  when  impartially  narrated,  to  yield  a  plenti- 
15 


170  QUODLIBET. 

ful  fruitage  of  ethical,  moral  and  social  instruction,  as 
well  as  political — to  which  latter  aspect  are  my  labors 
at  this  time  confined. 

In  conformity  with  my  plan,  and  being  desirous  to 
hasten  forward  to  a  more  modern  epoch  in  these  annals, 
I  pass  over  the  intervening  space,  and  bring  my  reader 
almost  a  year  in  advance  of  the  events  narrated  in  the 
last  chapter. 

It  was  now  approaching  the  fifth  year  of  the  Re- 
moval:— the  long  session  of  Congress  had  clo&ed  in 
July,  1838.  The  Hon.  Middleton  Flam  had  once  more 
returned  to  his  constituents,  and  temporarily  mingled 
in  the  walks  of  private  life.  Greatly  was  his  return 
desiderated  at  this  epoch.  We  had  got  all  wrong — 
we  lacked  information — we  wanted  this  great  man's 
advice. 

The  split  at  this  time — if  I  may  use  a  metaphor — 
was  green  and  wide ;  or,  in  plainer  language,  our  dis- 
sensions ran  high.  If  the  men  might  be  said  to  be  at 
sixes  and  sevens,  the  women  were  twice  as  bad — they 
were  at  twelves  and  fourteens.  Mrs.  Ferret  had  be- 
come inveterate,  and  headed  a  party  of  Feminine  True 
Grits ;  Susan  Barndollar,  who  had  a  temper  of  her 
own,  of  course  became  inveterate  too,  and,  as  Barn- 
dollar  &  Hardbottle  were  accounted  a  rich  firm,  she 
headed,  or  strove  to  do  so,  a  party  of  Feminine  Man- 
darins. Hester  Hardbottle,  under  a  similar  impulse, 
took  command  of  the  Female  Middlings.  Thus  mar- 
shaled, the  New-Light  women  manifested  a  very  high 
degree  of  political  corruscation,  and  kept  the  Borough 
in  perpetual  hot  water.  Every  tea-party  was  a  scald- 
ing concern,  and  it  was  lamentable  to  see  what  a  foot- 


QUODLIBET.  171 

hold  the  serpent  of  discord  had  gained  in  our  little 
Eden  of  Quodlibet. 

The  men  were  not  so  ferocious ;  in  part  because  they 
had  their  business  to  look  after;  but  chiefly,  because 
the  stronger,  when  they  failed  in  argument,  could  drub 
the.  weaker — and  that  drubbing  system  is  a  great 
moderator  of  political  opinions.  The  women,  having 
neither  of  these  motives  to  keep  quiet,  took  the  bits  in 
their  mouths  and  ran  off  as  fast  as,  and  whenever,  they 
chose. 

Theodore  Fog's  conduct  in  the  Legislature,  during 
the  past  winter,  had  in  some  degree  rather  weakened 
the  cause  of  Tiis  friends.  He  had  disappointed  them — 
although  they  were  unwilling  publicly  to  allow  as  much 
— on  two  points :  First,  because  he  had  not  got  them 
all  provided  with  offices,  as  he  had>  it  appeared,  secretly 
promised ;  but,  on  the  contrary,  came  home  without 
having  accomplished  that  desirable  object  for  a  single 
individual  of  the  party ;  and,  secondly,  because  he  had 
been  exceedingly  irregular  in  his  habits  during  the 
whole  session,  and  had  consequently  made  but  four 
speeches,  of  three  hours  each,  during  the  winter,  when 
it  was  confidently  expected  that  he  would  have  made 
at  least  thirty-four,  and  have  completely  silenced  the 
opposition.  The  irregularity  of  his  habits  they  could 
forgive;  but  the  matter  of  the  offices  sunk  deep  in 
their  hearts — they  began  to  suspect  his  Democracy. 

A  change  had  also  taken  place  in  the  business  affairs 
of  Quodlibet.  All  improvements  had  ceased : — many 
persons  were  out  of  employment;  industry  was  de- 
clining ;  trade  was  at  a  low  ebb ;  the  mechanics  were 
grumbling,  and  four  mercantile  houses  had  failed.  Im- 


172  QUODLIBET. 

mediately  after  the  suspension  Nicodemus  Handy  had 
issued  a  great  amount  of  small  notes.  Dr.  Thomas  G. 
Winkelman,  actuated  by  patriotic  emotions,  also  issued 
a  batch  payable  in  soda-water,  soap,  or  physic.  Zachary 
Younghusband,  the  tinplate-worker  and  postmaster, 
reflecting  on  the  crisis,  and  being  determined  to  con- 
tribute his  mite  toward  the  regulation  of  the  currency, 
followed  the  example  of  Dr.  Winkelman,  and  put  out  a 
ream,  redeemable  in  Copperplate  Bank  notes  when 
presented  to  the  amount  of  five  dollars  at  his  tinplate 
shop.  Sim  Travers,  who  had  a  drinking  shed  at  the 
lower  end  of  the  canal  basin,  with  equal  public  spirit, 
uttered  his  paper  in  fips,  "Good  for  a  Drrnk."  Many 
others  imitated  these  precedents,  whereby  it  fell  out 
that  no  part  of  the  Union  was  better  supplied  with  a 
currency  than  Quodlibet. 

Still  the  Borough  languished  and  pined  under  a 
gradual  decay  of  its  prosperity;  and  it 'was  long  before 
our  wise  men  could  ascertain  the  real  source  of  this 
decline.  The  cause  was  at  last  discovered.  We  are 
indebted  for  its  development  to  the  astuteness  of  our 
distinguished  representative.  There  were  eight  of  the 
principal  mercantile  houses  of  the  Borough  which  had 
been  established  by  Whigs:  in  fact,  throwing  out 
Barndollar  &  Hardbottle,  all  the  merchants  of  Quod- 
libet might  be  said  to  be  opposed  to  the  administration. 
It  was  very  apparent,  after  the  Hon.  Middleton  Flam 
drew  the  attention  of  the  club  to  this  fact,  that  these 
houses  had  combined  to  produce  an  utter  prostration 
of  business,  solely  for  political  effect,  and  that  the 
malevolence  of  four  of  the  most  thriving  among  them 
had  gone  so  far  as  even  to  render  themselves  bankrupt, 


QUODLIBET.  173 

and  to  break  up,  for  no  earthly  purpose  but  that  of 
making  the  administration  unpopular.  "This  is  a 
specimen  of  the  gratitude,"  said  Mr.  Flam,  speaking 
with  great  emotion  upon  the  subject,  "this  is  the 
gratitude  of  these  commercial  vultures — (he  always 
called  them  commercial  vultures  after  the  Suspension, 
and  when  speaking  to  the  people)— for  all  the  manifold 
favors  and  bounties  which,  for  five  years  past,  the 
government  has  been  so  assiduously  heaping  upon  their 
heads.  This  is  their  acknowledgment  of  the  extraor- 
dinary kindness  shown  them  by  the  Secretary  of  the 
Treasury  when  he  directed  our  bank  to  lend  these 
vipers  the  public  money !  Biddle  and  the  Barings  are 
at  the  bottom  of  this  conspiracy;  and  the  merchants 
of  the  United  States,  yes,  and  the  manufacturers  and 
all  the  moneyed  men,  would  gladly  beggar  themselves 
and  their  families  rather  than  allow  us  to  regulate 
their  currency  and  make  them  the  happiest  people  on 
earth.  What  unparalleled  perfidy!" 

After  this,  the  New  Lights  of  course  became  indig- 
nant against  the  merchants,  and  held  them  up,  as  they 
deserved,  to  public  execration,  "as  the  authors  of  all  our 
misfortunes.  From  Quodlibet,  this  sentiment  became 
general  among  the  New-Light  Democrats  everywhere. 
Mr.  Van  Buren  caught  the  idea ;  the  Globe  expatiated 
upon  it ;  the  Stump  rang  with  it ;'  and  it  soon  took  its 
place  as  one  of  the  cardinal  maxims  in  the  New-Light 
creed.  Such  is  the  supremacy  of  one  commanding 
intellect ! 

Never  was  there  a  topic  equal  to  this  in  the  elec- 
tions. "The  merchants,"  Theodore  Fog  very  perti- 
nently remarked,  "are  a  first-rate  subject  for  a  stump 
15* 


174  QUODLIBET. 

speech:  they  are  a  monstrous  little  knot  of  fellows, 
anyhow — and,  comparatively  speaking,  of  no.  sort  of 
account,  in  the  way  of  voting.  Having  the  handling 
of  a  good  deal  of  cash,  and  plenty  to  do  in  the  way  of 
giving  and  taking  of  promissory  notes,  you  can  slap 
upon  them  the  argument  of  The  Money  Power  with 
tremendous  effect :  you  can  tickle  them  with  the  whip 
of  Aristocracy  in  perfection ;  and  you  can  run  'em  down 
with  the  text  of  the  money-changers  in  the  Temple,  and 
all  that  sort  of  thing,  to  a  nicety.  Besides,  there  are 
so  few  of  them  that  either  can  make  a  speech  before 
the  people,  or,  if  they  can,  will  take  the  trouble  to 
follow  a  man  about  for  that  purpose,  that  you  are  not 
likely  to  be  pestered  with  their  replies.  Capital  ani- 
mals for  an  opposition,  they  take  a  lathering  so  quiet ! 
Then,  sir,  for  every  one  merchant  you  lay  upon  his 
back,  you  gain  jive  True  Grits  to  your  side.  I've 
studied  that  out.  Our  people,  I  mean  the  New  Lights, 
can  be  made  to  hate  a  merchant  like  snakes — because 
if  he  does  get  on  well  with  his  business,  and  makes  a 
little  fortune,  we  can  call  him  a  Rag  Baron,  a  Ruffle 
Shirt,  a  Scrub  Aristocrat, — and  that's  equal  to  sending 
him  to  the  deserts  of  Arabia :  and  if  he  fails,  as  the 
greater  part  of  the  poor  devils  do,  we  can  get  up  a 
still  worse  cry  against  him  for  turning  the  humble  and 
honest  laborer  out  of  employment,  grinding  the  faces 
of  the  poor,  depriving  the  widow  and  the  orphan  of 
their  bread,  and  coining  the  sweat  of  the  Bone  and 
Sinew's  brow  to  feed  Usurers,  Brokers,  and  Shavers. 
And,  by-the-by,  these  arguments  are  quite  good  against 
manufacturers  and  Whig  master-mechanics.  But  a 
merchant,  sir,  can't  hold  up  his  head  one  moment  before 


QUODLIBET.  175 

them.  Every  which  way,  sir,  he's  a  prime  scape-goat. 
Then,  sir,  when  we  want  to  make  an  EXPERIMENT, — 
why,  of  course,  we  go  to  the  merchants.  Here's  all 
this  currency  business,  especially  the  tail  of  it,  the  Sub- 
Treasury — fine  thing  to  stir  up  the  people  with — sounds 
well  in  theory,  though  a  little  mischievous  in  practice. 
Well,  sir,  we  test  it  on  the  merchants:  we  get  the 
popularity,  they  get  the  damage.  The  approved  philo- 
sophical mode  to  try  a  dangerous  experiment,  is  to 
attempt  it  on  a  cat: — sir,  The  Merchants  are  our  cats.'1 

Mr.  Flam1,  seeing  the  state  of  our  divisions,  took  a 
great  deal  of  trouble  to  restore  harmony  into  our 
ranks,  and  certainly  did  much  to  overawe  the  True 
Grits,  who,  now  fancying  themselves  in  the  ascendent, 
became  very  dictatorial.  Eliphalet  Fox,  although  he 
took  every  occasion  to  speak  in  his  paper  greatly  in 
commendation  of  Mr.  Flam,  was,  nevertheless,  an  active 
upholder  of  the  True-Grit  division.  "Our  worthy 
representative,"  he  said,  "was  happily  stationed  above 
the  influence  of  these  little  family  quarrels;  and  it 
was  undoubtedly  a  subject  of  congratulation  with  that 
distinguished  gentleman,  that  every  section  of  the  great 
Democratic  household  of  Quodlibet  could  cordially 
unite  the  testimonials  of  their  confidence  in  his  talents, 
his  patriotism,  and  his  fidelity  to  the  interests  of  his 
constituents." 

This  paragraph  was  considered  a  master-stroke  of 
New-Light  Democracy  in  Eliphalet,  because  its  ten- 
dency was  to  keep  him  and  his  paper  on  good  terms 
with  all  parties  supporting  the  administration,  while  it 
left  him  free  to  pursue  the  paramount  objects  which 
the  True  Grits  steadily  kept  in  view. 


176  QUODLIBET. 

These  objects  were  the  attainment  of  all  the  lucra- 
tive offices  in  our  district, — a  striking  exemplification 
of  which  now  occurred  in  the  celebrated  Tigertail 
affair.  That  affair  my  duty  as  a  chronicler  requires 
me  to  notice. 

A  secret  meeting  of  the  True  Grits  had  been  lately 
held  in  the  Borough.  The  subject  in  discussion  was  a 
weighty  one.  It  was  reported  to  this  conclave  that 
Ferox  Tigertail,  the  marshal  of  this"  district,  who  re- 
sided and  kept  his  office  in  Bickerbray,  had  in  his  em- 
ployment two  individuals  of  suspicious  principles.  The 
first  was  Washington  Cutbush,  a  clerk,  who  had  been 
overheard  to  say,  at  the  Sycamore  Spring,  in  a  confi- 
dential conversation  with  his  brother-in-law,  Lemuel 
Garret,  that  he  began  to  think  Tom  Benton's  gold 
currency  a  HUMBUG  !  The  second  was  Corney  Dust, 
the  porter  and  firemaker  of  the  office,  who,  there  was 
reason  to  believe,  had  voted  at  the  last  election  for 
Agamemnon  Flag.  Upon  these  facts  being  vouched 
to  the  meeting  by  Magnus  Morehead,  the  True  Grit 
shoemaker  in  the  Borough,  and  Sandy  Buttercrop,  the 
express-rider,  message-carrier,  baggage-porter,  and 
follower  of  sundry  other  visible  means  of  livelihood,  it 
was  resolved  that  a  committee  of  three,  to  consist  of 
Eliphafet  Fox,  Dr.  Winkelman,  and  Nim  Porter,  should 
wait  upon  Mr.  Tigertail,  communicate  to  him  the  full 
extent  of  the  charge,  and  require  him,  in  the  name  of 
The  Exclusive,  New-Light,  True-Grit  Democrats  of 
Quodlibet,  forthwith  to  dismiss  Washington  Cutbush 
from  his  office,  and  substitute  Magnus  Morehead  in  his 
place;  and  also  to  supersede  Corney  Dust  by  the  ap- 
pointment of  Sandy  Buttercrop. 


QUODLIBET.  177 

The  committee,  in  pursuance  of  these  instructions, 
visited  the  marshal,  and  explained  the  object  of  their 
mission  in  respectful  but  firm  language.  Tigertail, 
being  a  choleric  man,  and  an  old  Federalist  to  boot, — 
who  had  been  converted  to  the  New-Light  faith  about 
eight  years  ago,  at  the  date  of  the  renewal  of  his  com- 
mission,— heard  the  committee  with  exemplary  com- 
posure ;  and  then  setting  his  eyes,  with  a  fixed  glare, 
upon  Eliphalet  Fox,  he  waited  about  ten  seconds — at 
the  end  of  which  brief  period  of  deliberation,  he  kicked 
the  said  Eliphalet  clean  out  of  his  office: — and  this 
being  done  to  his  entire  satisfaction,  he  rather  testily 
invited  Dr.  Winkelman  and  Nim  Porter  to  follow  their 
chairman.  It  is  due  to  these  two  gentlemen  to  say, 
that  like  good  committee  men,  they  did  so, — even 
anticipating  the  marshal's  invitation  to  the  adoption 
of  that  course  of  -conduct. 

This  incident  being  faithfully  reported  by  the  com- 
mittee to  the.  meeting  of  True  Grits,  convened  for  the 
express  purpose  of  learning  the  result,  it  was  unani- 
mously resolved, — First,  that  Tigertail's  demeanor  was 
mysterious,  equivocal,  and  unexpected  ;  secondly,  that 
it  was  unpolite  to  Eliphalet  Fox ;  and,  thirdly,  that  it 
was  against  the  principles  and  usages  known  to  the 
New-Light  Democracy.  Another  resolution  was  adopted 
to  lay  the  whole  matter  before  the  President  of  the 
United  States,  and  to  instruct  him,  as  the  Representa- 
tive of  the  People,  to  dismiss  Marshal  Tigertail,  without 
delay,  from  his  post;  and  confer  it  upon  the  injured 
Eliphalet  Fox,  whose  kicking  entitled  him  to  the  deepest 
sympathy  of  the  party,  and  gave  him,  according  to  a 
well-established  maxim  of  the  New  Lights,  a  right  to 
immediate  preferment. 


178  QUODLIBET. 

These  resolutions  imparted  great  satisfaction  to  the 
meeting,  and  no  doubt  was  entertained  that  the  Presi- 
dent would  act  upon  the  subject  with  that  promptitude 
which  distinguishes  his  character.  Marshal  Tigertail 
was  looked  upon  as  a  doomed  man,  and  no  better  than 
a  Whig;  and  indeed  he  was  already  considered  as 
having  joined  that  party.  Dr.  Thomas  G.  Winkelman, 
Nim  Porter,, and  Dabbs,  the  compositor,  were  intrusted 
with  this  embassy  of  instruction  to  the  President; — 
Eliphalet  Fox  being  left  out  of  the  deputation  from 
obvious  considerations  of  delicacy — a  sentiment  which 
it  must  be  allowed  has  ever  characterized  the  proceed- 
ings of  the  True  Grits  on  all  occasions,  and  which 
many  of  the  most  observant  and  sagacious  of  that  sect 
have  asserted  has  been  the  principal  cause  of  the  failure 
of  their  schemes. 

The  new  deputation  lost  no  time  in  setting  forth 
upon  the  execution  of  their  duty.  They  were  attended 
to  the  stage  coach  by  a  large  number  of  True  Grits, 
who,  to  use  the  language  of  Theodore  Fog,  "signalized 
their  departure  with  indignant  pomp."  Great  expecta- 
tions were  indulged  on  this  appeal,  or  rather  this 
mandate  to  the  President. '  Day  after  day  passed  by 
without  bringing  news  from  the  mission: — the  Globe 
was  taken  from  each  mail  with  increased  avidity,  in  the 
hope  of  seeing  some  official  announcement  of  the  re- 
moval of  Tigertail.  A  provoking  silence  on  that  point 
reigned  throughout  its  columns..  Ten  days  rolled  on 
without  a  letter  from  the  committee : — a  fortnight  wore 
away,  and  yet  none  had  returned.  A  traveler  at  last 
reported  that  he  had  seen  Nim  Porter  at  the  White 
Sulphur  Springs.  It  was  ascertained  that  Dr.  Winkel- 
man was  in  the  City  of  New  York  purchasing  drugs  for 


QUODLIBET.  179 

his  shop ;  and  upon  investigation  it  was  discovered  that 
Dabbs  had  been  at  his  work  in  the  printing-office,  un- 
known to  the  Borough,  for  more  than  a  week.  By  a 
singular  coincidence  of  feeling  among  the  True  Grits, 
all  curiosity  as  to  the  fate  of  the  mission  suddenly 
subsided.  The  subject  was  treated  with  indifference ; 
and  in  the  course  of  a  few  days,  after  both  Dr.  Winkel- 
man  and  Nim  Porter  had  returned  home,  when  the 
Thorough  Blue  Whole  Team  puLforth  a  paragraph  in- 
quiring after  the  Tigertail  Embassy,  the  Whole  Hog 
came  out  with  a  petulant  and  snappish  reply,  affirming 
that  the  report  of  such  a  mission  was  a  mere  Whig  lie, 
coined  with  a  view  to  political  effect,  and  uttered  in  the 
Whole  Team  simply  because  "that  mendacious  and 
filthy  sheet  delighted  to  revel  in  falsehood,  and  had 
never  been  known  to  stumble  upon  the  truth,  even  by 
accident."  Dr.  Winkelman  studiously  avoided  all 
reference  to  his  absence  from  the  Borough,  and  Nim 
Porter  was  equally  cautious  for  about  a  month ;  at  the 
expiration  of  which  period  Neal  Hopper  happened  to 
say,  in  his  presence,  he  had  good  reason  to  know  that 
Marshal  Tigertail  was  no  favorite  with  the  President, 
and  would  be  removed  from  office  before  the  end  of  the 
next  Congress ; — whereupon  Nim,  very  unguardedly  and 
under  a  sudden,  uncontrollable  impulse,  planted  him- 
self before  the  miller  and  said, — 

"I'll  bet  you  one  hundred  dollars  to  ten  upon  that." 
"Well,  I  'spose  you  know?"  said  Neal,  struck  by 
Nim's  peremptory  manner. 

"  Conclusively  and  distinctly,"  replied  Nim  with 
some  heat.  "  If  you  think  Liphalet  Fox  is  going  to  be 
the  marshal  you're  mistaken:  I  know  Martin  Van 


180  QUODLIBET. 

Buren,"  he  added  with,  some  display  of  self-importance, 
"considerably — and  I  can  tell  you  that  he  goes  the 
whole  figure  against  rotation  in  this  individual  and 
identical  case.  He's  a  Mandarin  from  snout  to  tail — 
trained  up  from  the  gum,  and  wouldn't  touch  a  True 
Grit  with  a  forty-foot  pole.  Martin  has  defined  his 
position  emphatically.  There  can't  be  a  possibility  of 
mistake  upon  the  subject." 

"Do  you  mean  to  say  that  you  heard  him  say  so  ?" 
inquired  William  Goodlack,  the  tailor,  a  strenuous 
member  of  the  True  Grits,  looking  angrily  at  Nim. 

"That's  neither  here  nor  there,"  replied  Nim.  "But 
I'll  stand  to  the  bet  of  one  hundred  dollars  to  ten,  that 
Tiger  tail's  not  turned  out  of  office  this  year:  you  are 
welcome  to  take  it  yourself,  Billy  Goodlack,  if  you're 
a  mind  for  a  bet." 

"Whoever  said  Tigertail  ought  to  be  turned  out?" 
asked  Goodlack,  peevishly,  "'cepting  Neal  Hopper, 
who  picked  up  such  a  story  out  of  the  nine  thousand 
lies  of  the  Whole  Team?" 

From  this  little  brush  with  Nim  Porter,  and  from 
the  looks  that  passed  between  the  parties  engaged  in 
it,  there  was  room  for  the  inference  that  the  President 
didn't  give  much  encouragement  to  the  committee  who 
went  to  him  with  instructions  to  turn  out  the  marshal: 
and  this  is  nearly  everything  that  has  ever  transpired 
in  Quodlibet  upon  that  subject.  It  is  very  certain  that, 
for  some  time  after  this  date,  the  True  Grits  were  not 
so  bold  as  a  party  as  they  had  been  before.  Eliphalet 
Fox  was  undoubtedly  much  chop-fallen  during  all  the 
following  winter. 


QUODLIBET.  181 


CHAPTER  XIII. 

A  POLITICAL    DISCUSSION  AT  ABEL    BRAWN'S    SHOP ABEL'S  VIEWS    OF 

THE    SUB-TREASURY IMPORTANT   COMMUNICATION    MADE    BY  THEO- 
DORE   FOG — THE    NEW   LIGHTS    TAKE    GROUND  AGAINST   THE    BANKS 

THE    HON.    MIDDLETON    FLAM    RESIGNS    THE    PRESIDENCY    OF    THE 

COPPERPLATE    BANK SNUFFERS    ASPIRES    TO    THE    SUCCESSION. 

TOWARD  the  latter  end  of  August,  in  the  year  re- 
ferred to  in  the  last  chapter,  about  five  o'clock  in  the 
afternoon,  a  much  larger  collection  than  usual  of  work 
horses  were  seen  around  Abel  Brawn's  shop,  waiting  to 
be  shod.  The  shop  stands  .a  few  rods  below  Christy 
M'Curdy's  mill,  and  immediately  upon  the  bank  of  the 
Rumblebottom.  The  mill  is  just  outside  of  the  com- 
pactly-built portion  of  the  Borough;  and  from  the  door, 
Neal  Hopper,  the  miller,  could  see  along  the  road,  on 
his  left  hand,  into  the  principal  cross  street  of  Quodli- 
bet,  and  on  his  right,  directly  into  Abel  Brawn's  smith- 
shop.  This  advantage  of  position  was  much  prized  by 
Neal,  because  it  enabled  him  to  observe  everybody 
going  either  from  the  town-side  or  the  country-side  to 
the  blacksmith's.  And  as  the  shop  was  a  famous 
ground  for  political  discussion  and  newsmongering; 
and  as  Neal  had  an  insaturable  stomach  (insaturabile 
abdomen)  for  that  sort  of  gossip,  a  glance  from  the 
mill  door  gave  him  the  means  of  knowing  who  was 
either  at  or  on  the  way  to  the  shop.  Then,  if  the 
16 


182  QUODLIBET. 

company  suited  him,  he  was  in  the  habit  of  confiding 
the  temporary  government  of  the  mill  to  a  mealy- 
headed  negro  called  Cicero,  who  could  turn  out  a  grist 
as  well  as  himself,  and  so  allow  himself  the  chance  of  a 
brush  at  argument  with  Abel  Brawn's  customers. 

On  this  evening  in  August,  as  I  said,  there  were  more 
horses  than  usual  at  the  smithy.  Six  or  seven  men 
were  lounging  about  the  door  or  in  the  shop,  talking 
very  loud,  with  every  now  and  then  a  word  from  Abel, 
who  was  busily  employed  alternately  hammering  out 
shoes  on  the  anvil,  and  fitting  them  to  the  horses'  feet ; 
while  squinting  Billy  Spike,  a  rather  ungainly  lad,  an 
apprentice  to  the  smith,  was  keeping  off  the  flies  with  a 
horsetail  fastened  to  the  end  of  a  stick.  I  had  been 
taking  a  walk  that  evening  with  some  of  my  boys  to 
look  at  the  ruins  of  the  old  school-house,  and,  seeing 
this  little  gathering  about  Abel  Brawn's,  I  stopped  to 
hear  what  was  going  on.  Being  somewhat  fatigued  by 
my  exercitation,  I 'sat  down  on  the  bench  under  the 
shed,  having  sent  my  boys  home  by  themselves,  and 
remained  here  a  quiet  though  not  an  inattentive  spec- 
tator of  the  scene  before  me.  It  is  by  cultivating  such 
opportunities  that  I  have  been  enabled  to  impart  that 
interest  to  these  pages  which,  without  vanity,  I  may 
say  my  reader  cannot  fail  to  discover  in  them.  Such 
have  ever  been  my  choicest  and  most  profitable  mo- 
ments of  observation — subseciva  qusedam  tempora,  quae 
ego  perire  non  patiar. 

Neal  Hopper  was  engaged  in  repairing  a  bolting- 
cloth  up  stairs  in  the  mill,  and,  for  some  time  after  this 
assemblage  had  gathered  about  the  smith's  shop,  did 
not  hear  or  seem  to  know  what  was  going  forward,  until 


QUODLIBET.  183 

there  came  a  loud,  sharp  laugh  and  a  whoop  which 
aroused  his  attention.  As  soon  as  he  heard  this,  he 
pricked  up  his  ears,  listened  a  moment,  and  upon  a 
repetition  of  the  laugh,  stepped  to  the  window,  looked 
down  toward  the  shop  and  saw  who  were  there,  then 
called  Cicero  to  finish  the  repair  of  the  bolting-cloth — 
and  went  straight  to  the  blacksmith's. 

"Well,  what's  the  fraction,"  said  Neal,  "that  you're 
all  a  busting  out  in  such  a  spell  of  a  laugh  about?" 

Hearing  Neal's  voice,  Abel  Brawn  put  down  the 
horse's  foot  which  he  was  then  shoeing,  from  his  lap, 
and  standing  upright,  replied, — 

"There  seems  to  be  a  sort  of  a  snarl  here  among 
these  brother  Democrats  of  yours,  concerning  of  this 
here  Sub-Treasury.  Some  of  them  say  it's  against  the 
banks,  and  some  of  them  say  it's  for  the  banks.  They 
have  got  it  that  Cambreling  should  have  give  out  in 
Congress  that  it  was  going  to  help  the  banks  and  keep 
them  up;  and  others,  on  the  contrary,  say  that  Old 
Tom  Benton  swears  that  it  won't  leave  so  much  as  the 
skin^of  a  corporated  company  'twixt  Down  East  and 
the  Mississippi.  And  they  say,  moreover,  that  little 
Martin  lays  dark  about  it."  « 

"What  does  the  Globe  give  out  concerning  of  it?" 
inquired  Neal. 

"Well,  the  Globe,"  replied  Sam  Pivot,  the  assessor 
of  our  county,  who  was  out  for  sheriff,  and  who  was 
very  cautious  in  all  his  opinions,  "is,  as  I  take  it,  a 
little  dubious.  Sometimes  he  makes  this  Sub-Treasury 
a  smasher  to  all  banks;  and  then  again  he  fetches  it 
up  as  a  sort  of  staff  to  prop  the  good  ones  and  to 
knock  down  the  cripples.  Last  fall,  just  before  the 


184  QUODLIBET. 

New  York  election,  he  rather  buttered  the  banks,  see- 
ing that  the  Democracy  in  that  quarter  hadn't  made 
up  their  minds. to  run  as  strong  against  the  laboring 
people  as  they  are  willing  to  do  over  here  in  the  South. 
But  in  April,  when  the  Virginny  elections  was  up,  he 
was  as  savage  as  a  meat-ax; — and  I  rather  expect, 
from  what  I  see  in  the  President's  message,  that  it 
isn't  yet  fairly  understood  whether  the  Sub-Treasury 
is  to  kill  or  cure  the  banking  system." 

"It's  a  pig  in  a  poke,  to  make  the  best  of  .it,"  said 
Abel  Brawn;  "and  is  flung  before  the  people  now  be- 
cause Van  hasn't  got  nothing  better  to.  offer  us,  and 
not  because  he  values  it  above  4an  old  shoe.  To  my 
thinking,  when  the  people  have  decided  against  a  law, 
as  they  have  done  now  against  this  Sub-Treasury,  as 
you  call  it,  twice  in  Congress^  a  President  of  the 
United  States  ought  to  have  that  respect  for  the  will 
of  the  people  to  let  it  drop.  That's  what  I  call  Whig 
Democracy — though  it  mayn't  be  yourn." 

"Never!"  exclaimed  Tom  Crop,  the  constable  of  our 
Borough.  "  If  the  people  go  agin  the  Dimocracy,  the 
Dimocracy  ought  to  put  them  down.  We  go  for  prin- 
ciple; and  it's  ou»  business  to  try  it  over  and  over 
again,  until  we  carry  it.  Truth  is  mighty  and  will 
prevail,  as  the  old  Gineral  says." 

"I  have  never  been  able,"  said  Neal  Hopper, 
"rightly  to  make  out  what  .this  Sub-Treasury  is,  any- 
how. If  any  man  knows,  let  him  tell  me." 

"What  does  that  signify?"  answered  Crop.  "Some 
calls  it  a  divorce — but  betwixt  who  I  don't  know,  and 
what's  more,  I  don't  care.  It's  for  the  poor  man  we 
are  a  fighting,  against  the  rich.  The  Whigs  are  for 


QUODLIBET.  185 

making  the  poor  poorer,  and  the  rich  richer — and  I 
say  any  man  who  goes  against  the  Sub-Treasury,  can't 
have  no  respect  for  Dimmicratic  principles." 

"I'll  tell  you  what  it  is,"  said  Abel  Brawn;  "ever 
since  the  old  Federals  took  hold  of  General  Jackson's 
skirts,  and  joined  him  in  breaking  down  the  banks, 
they  have  been  plotting  to  keep  their  heads  above 
water — and  so  they  set  about  making  experiments 
right  and  left,  to  see  if  they  couldn't  hit  upon  some- 
thing new  to  please  the  people.  But,  bless  you — they 
don't  know  no  more  about  the  people  than  they  do 
about  making  horseshoes;  and  that's  the  reason  why 
they  have  been  such  bunglers  in  all  their  works:  and 
the  end  has  been  to  bring  us  into  such  a  pickle  as  no 
country  ever  was  in-  before.  They  have  teetotally 
ruinated  everything  they  have  laid  their  hands  on — 
and  now  they  come  out  and  say  'the  people  expect  too 
much  from  the  Government,'  and  by  way  of  making 
that  saying  good,  they  have  got  up  this  Sub-Treasury, 
which  is  nothing  more  nor  less  than  a  contrivance  to 
get  all  the  money  of  the  country  into  their  own  strong 
box,  knowing  that  when  they  have  the  money,  they 
have  got  the  power,  for  as  long  as  they  please.  That's 
an  old  Federal  trick,  which  they  understand  as  well  as 
any  men  in  the  world.  Now  the  people,  who  see  into 
this  scheme,  don't  like  it,  and  so  they  vote  it  down  in 
Congress.  Well,  what  does  these  Federals  do  then? 
Submit?  No — to  be  sure  not — that's  not  their  prin- 
ciple. They  go  at  it  again;  set  to  drilling  of  Con- 
gress, and  by  promising  this  man,  and  buying  off  that 
one  with  an  office,  and  setting  their  papers  to  telling 
16* 


186  QUODLIBET. 

all  sorts  of  lies,  they  get  the  country  so  confounded  at 
last  that  it  doesn't  know  whether  it  is  on  its  head  or  its 
heels.  But  the  worst  of  it  is,  these  very  Federals — 
some  of  them  real  old  Blue  Lights — go  about  preaching 
about  rich  and  poor,  and  sowing  enmity  between  them; 
and  they  work  so  diligent  upon  this  hfcaf,  that  many  a 
simple  man  at  last  believes  them.  It's  all  a  trick — a 
mean,  sneaking  deceit,  which  I  am  ashamed  to  think 
any  honest  poor  man  in  this  happy  country  of  ours 
could  be  taken  in  by  for  one  minute.  But  we  never 
had  this  talk  until  we  got  Federal  measures  and  Federal 
men  at  ^he  head  of  the  Government.  Who  are  the 
rich  that  they  talk  about  ?  Why,  it  is  every  man  who 
has  sense  enough  to  know  that  they  are  imposing  on 
him,  whether  he  be  worth  a  million  or  worth  only  five 
hundred  dollars — unless  indeed  it  be  one  of  their  own 
rich  men,  and  then  they  can't  praise  him  too  much.  Is 
industry  a  sin  in  this  land,  that  when  it  has  earned  a 
little  something  for  a  wet  day,  the  man  who  has  thriven 
by  it  must  be  held  up  as  an  enemy  to  his  country? 
Does  it  hurt  a  man's  patriotism,  when  he  sends  hig 
children  to  school,  and  works  until  he  can  buy  a  tract 
of  land  to  start  them  well  in  life — or  when  he  rents  a 
pew  in  church,  and  carries  his  family  there  to  teach 
them  to  fear  God  and  keep  his  commandments?  Is 
it  to  be  told  against  a  man,  that  his  neighbors  count 
him  to  be  frugal  and  thrifty,  and  that  he  is  considered 
respectable  in  the  world?  Yet  that  is  your  new  fash- 
ioned Democracy,  which  wants  to  put  every  one  in  the 
dust  who  doesn't  idle  away  his  time  and  squander  his 
substance,  and  let  his  family  go  to  rack,  whilst  he 
strolls  about  the  country  bawling  Democracy.  Thank 


QUODLIBET.  187 

God !  the  Democracy  I've  larnt  in  my  time  has  taught 
me  to  do  to  others  as  I  would  have  others  do  to  me ; 
and  which  has  imbibed  into  my  mind  the  principle  that 
I  am  a  freeman,  and  have  a  right  to  think  for  myself, 
to  speak  for  myself,  and  to  act  for  myself,  without 
having  a  string  put  through  my  nose  to  lead  me 
wherever  it  suits  a.  set  of  scheming,  lying,  cunning 
politicians  to  have  me  for  their  benefit.  Democracy's 
not  what  it  used  to  be,  or  you  would  never  find  the 
people  putting  up  with  this  eternal  dictation  from  the 
President  and  his  friends  to  Congress  and  to  the 
nation,  what  he  will  have,  and  what  he  won't  have: — 
that's  what  I  call  rank  monarchy,  and  I  will  fight  against 
it  to  my  latest  breath. 

"You  will  have  a  chance  to  judge  for  yourselves 
whether  the  President  dictates  to  the  people  or  not,  in 
this  very  matter  of  the  Sub-Treasury: — wait  till  the 
next  session  of  Congress: — the  bill  has  just  been 
rejected  a  second  time.  You  will  see  that  Martin  isn't 
a  going  to  give  it  up,  but  will  bring  it  forward  again 
and  again — -until  at  last,  I  make  no  doubt,  he  will  get 
a  Congress  shabby  enough  to  do  his  bidding,  and  pass 
it; — and  many  of  the  very  men  who  are  against  it  to- 
day, will  abandon  their  own  opinions  and  go  for  it,  for 
no  other  reason  in  the  world  but  that  they  will  be  afraid 
of  their  nose-leaders,  who  will  tell  them  they  are  no 
Democrats  unless  they  support  the  President.  It  is 
nothing  more  nor  less  than  enlisting  men  in  the 
service,  and  marching  and  countermarching  them 
whichever  way  the  officers  choose;  besides  bringing 
every  man  to  a  drum-head  who  dares  to  disobey 
orders." 


188  QUODLIBET. 

"What's  Tom  Benton's  notion?"  inquired  Neal 
Hopper. 

''He  goes  for  the  Sub-Treasury  out  and  out,"  said 
Pivot. 

"In  course,  he  does,  all  hollow,"  interrupted  Tom 
Crop,  with  rather  a  fierce  frown  and  an  angry  tone, 
designed  to  express  his  indignant  feeling  at  the  senti- 
ments uttered  by  Abel  Brawn,  and  which  sternness  of 
countenance  had  been  gradually  gathering  during  the 
whole  time  occupied  by  the  Blacksmith's  discourse. 
"There's  none  of  this  slang  in  him.  He's  agin  all 
Monypolies,  and  for  the  rale  Constitutional  Cur- 
rency— and  them's  the  genuine  Dimmicratic  prin- 
ciples:— leastways,  they've  come  about  so  now,  what- 
ever they  might  'a  been  in  times  past.  Old  Tom's  the 
first  man  what  ever  found  out  what  the  Constitutional 
Currency  raly  was,  and  sot  the  Dimmicrats  a  goin'  on 
the  Hard-Money  track !  And,  besides,  don't  I  know 
these  banks? — they're  nuisances  in  grain,  and  naturally 
as  good  as  strikes  a  poor  man  in  his  vitals.  I've  seed 
it  myself.  Here- was  Joe  Plumb,  the  cider-press  maker, 
got  a  note  from  Jerry  Lantern  down  here  at  the  cross- 
roads, for  settin'  up  his  cider-press,  and  he  heaved  it  in 
the  bank  for  them  to  collect  it— and  what  does  the 
bank  do,  but  go  and  purtest  it!  That's  the  way  they 
treat  a  poor  man  like  Joe  Plumb,  what's  obliged  to 
work  for  his  livin' : — would  they  'a  sarved  a  Big  Bug 
so  ?  No — don't  tell  me  about  the  banks !  I'm  sick  a 
hearin'  on  'em." 

This  discussion  was  now  interrupted  by  the  approach 
of  Theodore  Fog,  Flan  Sucker,  and  Sim  Travers.  By 
this  addition  to  the  company,  the  New  Lights  gained 


QUODLIBET.  189 

an  overwhelming  preponderance  of  numbers  over  their 
adversaries.  Indeed,  Abel  Brawn,  and  Davy  Post,  the 
wheelwright,  were  the  only  Whigs  in  the  assemblage; 
and  the  consequence  was  that  Abel,  who  fought  them 
all  pretty  manfully  at  first,  was  obliged  to  give  in  so 
far  as  to  remain  silent — with  the  exception  of  a  random 
shot,  which  now  and  then  he  let  off  by  way  of  repartee 
— Abel  not  being  bad  at  that.  Davy  Post  was  naturally 
a  silent  man,  and,  therefore,  did  not  pretend  to  be  a 
speaker  on  this  occasion. 

As  soon  as  Theodore  Fog  was  informed  what  was  the 
topic  in  debate,  and  especially  of  the  doubts  which 
seemed  to  be  prevalent  regarding  the  Sub-Treasury, 
he  took  a  station  against  the  door-post,  where  the 
whole  company  gathered  around  him;  and,  being  now 
in  an  oratorical  mood,  he  began  to  address  the  auditory 
in  something  like  a  speech : — • 

"Gentlemen,"  said  he,  at  the  same  time  drawing, 
with  a  jerk,  his  neckcloth  away  and  flaunting  it  in  his 
hand,  "in  a  free  government  we  have  no  secrets. 
Freedom  of  Opinion  and  its  twin-sister  Freedom  of 
Discussion  are  chartered  libertines  that  float  upon  the 
ambient  air  consecrated  to  the  Genius  of  Universal 
Emancipation ' ' 

"Hurra  foe  old  The!"  shouted  Sim  Travers. 

"Ya — hoop — halloo — go  it!"  yelled  Flan  Sucker, 
with  a  wild  and  deafening  scream,  which  sufficiently 
manifested  the  fact  that  he  was  most  noisily  drunk. 

Several  of  the.  company  interfered  by  remonstrating 
with  Flan  against  this  unnecessary  demonstration 
of  fervor,  which  Flan,  on  the  other  hand,  insisted 
upon  as  his  right. 


190  QUODLIBET. 

"Whenever  old  The.  Fog  comes  out  high  flown," 
said  he,  "I  yells  as  a  matter  of  principle.  It's 
encouragin'  to  youth.  Nebuchadnezzar,  the  King  of 
the  Jews,  couldn't  beat- him  at  a  speech:  he's  the  butt 
cut  of  Democracy.  •• 

"Flan,  hold  your  tongue,"  said  Theodore.  "Gen- 
tlemen, we  have  no  secrets.  Abel  Brawn  and  Davy 
Post  are  welcome  to  hear  all  I  have  to  impart.  I 
know — everybody  knows> — that  we  have  been  in  a  state 
of  suspense  on  the  great  question  of  the  Sub-Treasury. 
The  INDEPENDENT  Treasury,  as  we  are  going  to  call  it 
since  Congress  rejected  it — we'll  try  what  a  new  name 
will  do.  I  say  we  have  been  in  suspense.  Like  honest 
New  Lights  we  have  waited  to  see  how  the  cat  would 
jump.  Some  men  imagined  that  Martin  would  bow  to 
the  judgment  of  the  people  and  give  it  up.  They  did 
not  know  the  stern,  uncompromising,  footstep-following 
principles  that  dwell  at  the  bottom  of  his  heart.  He 
will  never  give  it  up — the  people  must  take  it:  he  has 
got  nothing  else  for  them.  Hasn't  he  tried  everything 
else?  And  isn't  this  the  last  thing  he  could  think  of? 
Why,  then,  of  course,  the  people  must  gulp  it  down,  or 
the  party  is  broke.  Where  is  the  slave  that  would 
desert  his  party?  Who's  here  so  base  would  be  a  turn- 
coat? The  Whigs  call  the  President  the  servant  of  the 
people — we  call  him  the  Ruler,  the  Great  Chieftain, — 
and  when  a  man  deserts  him  he  is-  a  TURNCOAT — that  is 
sound  New-Light  doctrine. 

"Sirs,  it  has  been  developed  in  the  recent  demon- 
strations of  contemporary  history " 

"Yip!" 

"Silence,  Flan  Sucker,  and  don't  make  a  fool  of 


QUODLIBET.  191 

yourself.  It  has  been  discovered  that  bank  influence 
has  defeated  the  Sub-Treasury  bill.  Every  member 
who  voted  against  it  has  received  a  large  bribe  from 
the  banks.  The  Globe  man  has  lately  discovered  this 
astounding  corruption:  the  President  is  aware  of  it; 
and  for  this  reason,  in  addition  to  that  which  I  have 
already  mentioned,  he  is  determined  to  run  it  as  the 
INDEPENDENT  Treasury  again.  Every  New  Light  is 
expected  to  toe  the  mark." 

"Three  cheers  for  that!"  cried  Pivot. 

"We  have  heretofore  partially  denounced  the 
banks,"  continued  Fog;  "we  are  now  to  open  upon 
them  like  hounds — worry  them  like  rats.  From  this 
day  forth,  the  Quods  will  take  a  new  turn; — they  will 
dismiss  all  pity  from  their  bosoms,  and  cry  aloud  for 
strangling  the  banks — not  even  excepting  our  own. 
Patriotism  demands  the  sacrifice.  Down  with  paper 
money!  will  be  the  word.  Turn  the  tables  on  the 
Whigs,  and  call  the  whole  bank  system  the  spawn  of 
aristocracy — remember  that.  At  the  same  time,  gen- 
tlemen, be  not  afraid.  No  harm  will  be  done  to  any  bank 
you  have  a  liking  for — the  essence  of  the  thing  is  in 
the  noise.  We  shall  have  perhaps  to  kill  the  banks  in 
the  District  of  Columbia — but  that's  nothing; — it  will 
be  an  offering  to  consistency.  All  experiments  require 
an  exhausted  receiver — and  the  District  is  ours; — a 
snug  little  piece  of  machinery  to  play  upon.  So  keep 
it  in  mind — Treasury  Notes  and  no  Paper  Money ! — 
down  with  Credit,  and  up  with  the  Independent 
Treasury!" 

"Ain't  that  first-rate?"  said  Sim  Travers.  "The., 
who  sot  that  agoin'?" 


192  QUODLIBET. 

"Who?"  replied  Fog.  "Why,  some  of  the  highest 
men  in  this  nation — the  Lights  of  the  age.  Middleton 
Flam  has  just  received  letters  from  Washington,  lay- 
ing open  the  whole  plan  of  operations.  He  has  ac- 
cordingly determined  to  put  himself  in  position  for 
ultimate  action,  by  resigning  the  presidency  of  the 
bank.  Middleton  Flam,  gentlemen,  I  am  free  to  say 
it,  although  we  have  differed  on  some  questions,  is  a 
great  man  and  an  honor  to  the  New  Lights.  He  has 
already  sent  his  resignation  to  Nicodemus  Handy. 
The  Board  meet  to-morrow  to  act  upon  it.  'You  may 
imagine,  gentlemen,  who  is  looked  to  as  his  successor. 
But  I  here  announce  to  you,  the  conglomerate  essence 
of  my  constituency  at  large,  that  on  no  consideration 
can  I  be  persuaded  to  accept  the  vacant  place.  No, 
gentlemen,  the  whole  tenor  of  my  life  renders  that  im- 
possible. I  have  defined  my  position  years  ago;  and 
every  man  must  see,  that  president  of  that,  or  any 
other  bank,  I  can  never  be.  Simon  Snuffers  is  the 
man.  If  he  can  make  it  agreeable  to  the  Democratic 
principle  upon  which  he  holds  the  Hay  Scales — and 
that  it  is  for  you  to  say — I  have  no  doubt  he  will  ac- 
cept. Simon  has  no  ulterior  objects; — and  men  with- 
out ulterior  objects  may  do  as  they  please.  But  I 
trust  that  this  responsible  post  will  never  be  pressed 
upon  me.  Upon  that  point  I  cannot  indulge  the 
wishes  of  my  friends." 

The  importance  of  this  speech  was  duly  appreciated 
by  those  to  whom  it  was  addressed ;  and  as  every  man 
was  anxious  to  know  what  everybody  else  thought 
about  these  matters,  there  was  an  immediate  adjourn- 
ment to  the  Borough.  The  consequence  was,  that 


QUODLIBET.  193 

Abel  Brawn's  shop  was  left  in  a  few  moments  without 
u  customer;  and  in  the  course- of  the  next  half  hour 
the  news  communicated  by  Theodore  Fog  was  in  every 
man's  mouth.  The  movement  at  Washington  was  held 
to  be  decisive.  The  Independent  Treasury,  from  that 
moment,  became  a  leading  test  of  the  allegiance  of  the 
Democrats  of  Quodlibet. 


IT 


194  QUODLIBET. 


CHAPTER  XIV. 

LETTER  FEOM  A  CABINET  OFFICER  TO  MR.  FLAM — DIRECTIONS  TO  THE 
DEMOCRACY THE  CABINET  OFFICER'S  MODE  OF  PRODUCING  AN  IM- 
PRESSION— THE  PRESIDENT'S  DETERMINATION  IN  REGARD  TO  THE 

INDEPENDENT  TREASURY WARNING  TO  DESERTERS CANDIDATES 

FOR  MR.  FLAM'S  PLACE   IN  THE   BANK — HARDBOTTLE  ELECTED — 

THEODORE  FOG*S  OUTBREAK HE  COOLS  DOWN  AND  STANDS  UPON 

PRINCIPLE HARDBOTTLE  UNPOPULAR. 

THE  fact  was  as  Theodore  Fog  had  stated  it.  Mr. 
Flam  had  received  a  letter  from  a  member  of  the 
Cabinet,  apprising  him  that  it  was  deemed  absolutely 
necessary  to  the  preservation  of  the  New-Light  Demo- 
cratic Party  to  become  extremely  pointed  in  their 
assault  against  the  State  Banks,  and  that  the  misdeeds 
of  those  institutions  should  be  exaggerated  as  much  as 
possible,  and  then  charged  upon  the  Whigs. 

"This  attack,"  said  the  letter,  "must  be  made  with 
more  than  usual  clamor,  and  followed  up  with  unremit- 
ting industry,  that,  by  force  of  the  first  word  and  in- 
cessant repetition,  we  may  get  the  people  to  believe 
that  we  have  had  nothing  to  do  with  the  creation  of 
these  corporations;  but  have,  in  fact,  been  inveterately 
hostile  to  them  from  the  first,  and  that  our  opponents 
have  been  their  sole  patrons  and  friends.  Our  recent 
outcry  on  this  subject  has  succeeded  so  well  with  the 
people,  that  we  are  determined  now  to  make  the  de- 
nunciation of  the  banks  our  chief  topic,  by  way  of  pre- 


QUODLIBET.  195 

paration  for  the  Independent  Treasury  which  we  are 
resolved  the  people  shall  swallow.  We  cannot  too 
strongly  impress  upon  our  friends  the  propriety  of 
charging  upon  the  Whigs  that  we  have  repeatedly 
warned  them  against  increasing  the  number  of  banks 
in  the  States.  By  this  device  we  shall  put  upon  their 
shoulders  all  those  mischiefs  of  over-banking  and  over- 
trading, which  they  used  to  talk  about.  We  must  im- 
pute to  them  all  the  evils  of  the  paper  system — except 
the  Treasury  notes,  which  it  would  be  well  for  us  to 
praise,  as  an  admirable  Democratic  scheme  to  give  the 
country  a  METALLIC  currency.  It  has  also  been  deemed 
important,"  continued  the  writer,  "  that  we  should  prove 
that  the  government  has  lost  more  money  by  the  State 
banks  than  by  any  other  agents  it  has  ever  employed. 
This  idea  was  hinted  to  the  Secretary  of  the  Treasury, 
who  has,  in  consequence,  very  recently  been  at  work 
upon  the  subject,  and  has  produced  a  report  altogether 
conclusive  against  the  banks.  He  will  continue  these 
labors  with  a  view  to  the  instruction  of  Congress  and 
all  our  other  inquiring  friends;  being,  in  no  respect, 
daunted  by  that  unlucky  report  made  by  him  in  1834, 
which,  singularly  enough,  proves  the  opposite  side  of 
the  case;  for,  as  he  remarks,  tfie  specific  gravity  of  his 
State  papers  is  so  great  as  to  sink  them  too  deep  for 
the  perception  of  the  present  generation, — and  that 
consequently  his  report  of  1834  must  be  pretty  well 
forgotten  by  this  time,  which,  indeed,  I  think  quite 
likely; — it  was  so  long-winded,  dozy,  and  prosy,  (a 
note  in  the  margin  marked  this  as  'confidential,')  that 
I  should  not  wonder  if  more  than  ten  men  in  Congress 
ever  read  it,  and  of  those,  perhaps  not  a  single  one 


196  QUODLIBET. 

retains  any  distinct  impression  of  its  meaning."  The 
letter  exhorted  Mr.  Flam  to  make  these  views  known 
to  the  drill  sergeants  and  corporals  of  the  party  in 
Quodlibet,  and  to  stimulate  them  to  active  exertions  in 
the  part  assigned  to  them.  "Pound  it  into  public 
mind,"  said  the  writer,  "that  the  Whigs  are  the 
authors  of  the  present  evils;  continual  pounding  will 
inevitably,  at  last,  do  the  business.  Many  a  time  have 
I  riveted,  by  diligent  hammering,  a  politic  and  neces- 
sary fabrication  upon  the  credulity  of  the  people — so 
fast  that  no  art  of  my  adversary  could  tear  it  away  to 
make  room  for  the  truth:  therefore,  I  say  to  you  and 
our  Democratic  friends — hammer  without  ceasing." 

A  letter  also  from  the  Secretary,  at  the  same  time, 
informed  Mr.  Flam,  that  as  the  people  had  so  con- 
tumaciously rejected  the  Independent  Treasury  bill,  by 
their  representatives  in  Congress,  the  President  was 
now  determined  to  carry  it  at  all  hazards;  and  con- 
sequently it  was  expected  that  no  New-Light  Demo- 
crat would  be  so  false  to  the  glorious  principles  of  the 
Quodlibetarian  theory  as  to  interpose  any  opinion  of 
his  own  between  the  will  of  the  President  and  the  appro- 
priate duty  of  the  people.  "If  such  should  be  the 
case,"  said  the  Secretary,  "Mr.  Van  Buren  can  have 
no  alternative — the  individual  so  recreant  to  the  eternal 
principles  of  the  New-Light  Democracy  must  be  de- 
nounced by  the  Globe  as  an  enemy  to  freedom,  and, 
what  is  worse,  a  traitor  to  his  party." 

Mr.  Flam  reflected  upon  these  communications  with 
grave  attention;  and  having  shown  them  to  some  of  his 
intimate  friends,  among  whom  I  count  it  my  highest 
honor  to  be  ranked,  he  announced  his  purpose  to  re- 


QUODLIBET.  107 

sign  his  post  in  the  bank.  For  this  step  he  had  two 
good  reasons:  the  first  was  the  necessity  of  disencum- 
bering himself  of  a  connection  which  might  have  im- 
peded his  usefulness — to  use  his  own  words — in  his 
public  relations ;  the  second  reason  was,  that  he  had 
borrowed  so  large  an  amount  from  the  bank,  as  to  cir- 
cumscribe its  bounty  greatly  to  the  prejudice  of  sundry 
of  the  directors  who  were,  in  consequence,  beginning 
to  complain  of  his  management  of  the  institution,  and 
were  even  threatening  to  run  an  opposition  against  him 
in  the  election  which  was  but  a  few  months  off.  It  was 
whispered  also  that  Nicodemus  Handy  had  given  him  a 
mysterious  but  friendly  hint  to  resign,  without  explain- 
ing his  reasons.  Upon  these  considerations  his  mind 
was  made  up;  and  accordingly  the  resignation  was 
laid  before  the  Board  at  the  time  indicated  by  Theo- 
dore Fog. 

This  event  produced  great  sensation  in  Quodlibet; 
not  less  from  the  curiosity  to  know  why  our  distin- 
guished representative  should  relinquish  so  lucrative  a 
post,  than  from  the  interest  felt  in  the  measure  of 
selecting  his  successor.  Fifteen  of  our  most  strenuous 
New-Light  Democrats  were  candidates;  and  notwith- 
standing the  speech  made  at  the  blacksmith's  shop, 
Theodore  Fog  was  the  first  who  wrote  a  letter  to  the 
Board  to  apprise  them  that,  in  consequence  of  the  eager 
importunity  of  his  Democratic  friends  to  confide  the 
bank  to  his  management,  he  found  himself  compelled 
to  forego  his  objections  to  having  any  concern  with  the 
banking  system,  and  therefore  would  not  feel  himself 
at  liberty  to  decline  the  Presidency  in  case  it  should 
be  offered  to  him.  He  said  he  wished  it  to  be  distinctly 
17* 


198  QUODLIBET. 

understood,  that  emolument  was  not  his  object:  but 
that  he  was  actuated  solely  by  his  attachment  to  that 
New-Light  Democratic  principle  which  taught  him  on 
all  occasions  to  seek  preferment,  as  the  means  of 
widening  the  sphere  of  his  usefulness,  and  to  increase 
his  worldly  fortune  only  for  the  sake  of  the  good  it 
enabled  him  to  dispense  to  the  people.  On  no  other 
terms  was  he  willing  to  accept  the  government  of  the 
bank. 

Some  two  or  three  days  were  spent  in  canvassing 
this  matter;  when  the  choice  ultimately,  upon  the 
twenty-fifth  balloting,  fell  upon  Anthony  Hardbottle, 
who  had  not  been  previously  thought  of  for  the  place, 
and  was  only  brought  forward  when  all  attempts  to 
elect  others  had  failed.  The  fifteen  original  candidates 
became  greatly  incensed  at  this  choice.  Theodore  Fog 
was  furious:  he  said  Hardbottle  could  scarcely  be 
called  a  Democrat: — if  anything,  he  was  half  Whig — 
nay,  he  believed,  whole  Whig: — and  to  elect  a  Whig 
to  a  great  responsible  post  like  that — a  post  connected 
with  the  national  fisc,  allied  to  the  money  power,  so 
intimately  related  to  the  important  concerns  of  the 
currency ! — it  was  not  to  be  tolerated.  The  Genius  of 
New-Light  Democracy  should  array  herself  in  steel, 
indue  herself  in  panoply,  buckle  on  her  armor,  shake 
her  lance  against  it,  or,  in  other  words,  he  deemed  it 
incompatible  with  free  institutions  to  allow  a  Whig,  or, 
at  least,  a  man  who  never  attended  political  meetings, 
and  who  held  the  Whigs  in  respect — to  preside  over 
such  a  Democratic  institution  as  the  Copperplate  Bank 
of  Quodlibet.  Theodore  continued  raving  in  this  strain 
until  he  drank  nine  juleps,  interspersed  with  numberless 


QUODLIBET.  199 

other  potations,  and  became  so  incapable  of  motion  as 
to  render  it  necessary  for  Mrs.  Ferret  to  have  him 
carried  to  bed.  As  he  cooled,  so  cooled  his  competi- 
tors. Indeed,  in  the  course  of  a  few  days,  Theodore 
Fog,  in  commenting  upon  the  pretensions  of  the  several 
defeated  candidates,  found  so  many  objections  to  them 
individually  and  collectively,  as  to  bring  himself  into 
an  excellent  temper  upon  the  subject,  whereby  he  was 
able  to  make  merry  with  the  whole  election;  and  thus, 
by  degrees,  he  fell  back  into  the  state  of  mind  which 
he  had  manifested  at  the  smith's  shop,  and  declared 
that  no  consideration  could  possibly  induce  him,  pro- 
fessing the  principles  he  did,  to  accept  any  post  con- 
nected with  a  bank.  He  expressed  himself  in  sharp 
and  censorious  terms  against  what,  he  said,  he  had 
constantly  observed:  namely,  that  he  never  knew  a 
post  in  a  bank  to  be  vacant,  from  the  President  down 
to  the  porter,  including  Directors  and  all,  in  regard  to 
which  he  didn't  find  half  a  dozen  Loco  Focos,  to  say 
nothing  of  New-Light  Democrats,  applicants  to  fill  the 
vacancy :  he  thought  it  inconsistent  with  principle,  now 
that  orders  had  come  for  the  Democracy  to  abuse  the 
banks,  to  seek  or  accept  such  places;  and  he  did  not 
care  who  knew  his  sentiments  upon  the  subject. 

Mr.  Hardbottle  was  a  strict  man  of  business,  and  did 
not,  it  is  true,  greatly  interest  himself  in  politics.  Yet, 
nevertheless,  he  was  a  decided  supporter  of  the  New- 
Light  cause,  and  was  always  esteemed  a  useful  member 
of  the  Borough.  One  thing  that  made  against  him  in 
the  Board  was,  that  he  had  never  been  a  very  active 
customer  to  the  bank,  except  so  far  only  as  keeping 
his  commercial  account  there.  He  was  often  urged  to 


200  QUODLIBET. 

accept  accommodations  with  a  view  to  the  improvement 
of  the  Borough,  but  almost  invariably  refused,  from  an 
aversion  to  indulging  in  these  useful  speculations.  His 
brother  Directors,  in  consequence,  rather  regarded  him 
as  a  man  who  was  deficient  in  public  spirit;  and  they 
imagined  that  he  might  be  inclined  to  depreciate  the 
value  of  the  services  they  had  rendered  the  bank  by 
the  liberal  employment  they  had  given  to  its  funds. 
Mr.  Hardbottle,  therefore,  might  be  said  to  have 
entered  into  the  government  of  the  bank  under  inaus- 
picious circumstances,  and  was  likely  not  to  be  a  very 
popular  President.  He  was,  however,  determined  upon 
one  thing,  and  that  was  to  make  a  thorough  examina- 
tion of  the  bank  for  the  purpose  of  bringing  about  a 
resumption  of  specie  payments  at  the  earliest  possible 
moment;  for  some  complaints  had  gone  abroad  against 
the  Bank  of  Quodlibet  for  not  resuming  when  the  other 
banks  of  the  country  affected  to  be  anxious  for  that 
measure. 

In  consequence  of  this  determination  of  the  new 
President,  the  bank  was  kept  in  perpetual  bustle  for 
the  whole  fortnight  succeeding  the  election.  What 
then  occurred  will  be  told  in  the  next  chapter. 


QDODLIBBT.  201 


CHAPTER  XV. 

UNHAPPY  EVENT  IN  THE  LIFE  OF  NICODEMDS  HANDY — CONSTERNA- 
TION OF  QUODLIBET DISASTERS  AMONG  THE  DIRECTORS EXPLO- 
SION OF  THE  BANK CONVERSATION  BETWEEN  THEODORE  FOG  AND 

MR.    GRANT FOG'S    VIEWS     OF     THE    QUESTION    OF    DISTRESS — COM- 
PLIMENT   TO    JESSE    FERRET. 

I  KNOW  not  which  way  to  turn.  Auribus  teneo 
lupum.  I  can  scarcely  compose  myself  to  write.  Such 
an  event!  Many  things  have  happened  in  this  world 
to  excite  wonder,  many  grief,  many  indignation,  many 
wailing,  lamentation,  and  moans;  but  we  have  had  an 
incident  in  the  Borough  which  overmasters  all  these 
emotions  by  the  height  and  the  depth,  the  length  and 
the  breadth,  the  stupendous  magnitude  of  the  amaze- 
ment which  it  has  spread  through  all  minds. 

The  investigation  of  the  affairs  of  the  bank,  under 
the  direction  of  Mr.  Hardbottle,  lasted  more  than  a 
fortnight.  They  were  not  yet  brought  to  a  close,  when 

Let  the  following  paragraph  from  an  extra 

Whole  Hog,  issued  on  the  spur  of  the  moment,  tell  the 
rest.  I  have  no  nerve  for  such  a  disclosure. 

"ASTOUNDING  WHIG  DEFALCATION. 

"  Our  Borough  has  just  been  thrown  into  a  state  of 
stupefaction  by  an  event  which  completely  eclipses 
every  other  act  of  crime  and  villainy  with  which  the 
annals  of  Whiggery  abound.  Nicodemus  Handy,  the 


202  QUODLIBET. 

Whig  Cashier  of  that  extortionate,  swindling  Whig 
rag-factory,  the  Patriotic  Copperplate  Bank  of  Quod- 
libet,  left  this  Borough  yesterday  morning  in  the 
People's  Line,  which  runs  through  Thorough  Blue.  As 
this  journey  was  undertaken  with  the  pretense  of 
business,  it  attracted  no  attention  until  this  morning, 
when  the  indefatigable  Democratic  President  of  that 
institution,  Mr.  Anthony  Hardbottle,  who  was  recently 
elected  for  the  purpose  of  a  thorough  investigation 
into  its  concerns,  (suspicions  having  been  long  indulged 
of  its  rottenness;  and,  in  fact,  our  worthy  representa- 
tive, the  Hon.  Middleton  Flam,  an  unterrified  and 
incorruptible  New  Light,  having  retired  from  the  head 
of  the  institution  on  account  of  the  disgusting  irregu- 
larities which  fell  within  his  view,)  laid  a  statement 
before  the  Board  which  showed  that  the  Cashier  had 
secreted  upwards  of  $160,000,  the  greater  part  of 
which  funds  there  is  reason  to  believe  he  has  made 
away  with  in  the  course  of  the  last  three  months. 
Measures  were  taken  to  pursue  the  offender,  and  as  far 
as  possible  to  secure  the  bank  by  attachments  upon 
his  property,  which  is  supposed  to  be  considerable. 
For  the  present,  we  forbear  all  comment,  except  so  far 
as  to  remark,  that  we  look  upon  this  atrocious  fraud 
but  as  the  natural  fruit  of  that  system  of  Whig  meas- 
ures which  has  cumbered  the  land  with  mushroom 
banks,  filthy  rags,  and  swarms  of  scrub  aristocrats  in 
the  shape  of  presidents,  cashiers,  directors,  and  clerks. 
We  may  speedily  expect  to  hear  of  many  more  Whigs 
following  the  example  of  our  absquatulating  Cashier." 
The  sensation  produced  in  the  Borough  by  this  in- 
telligence is  not  to  be  described.  The  flight  of  Mr. 


QUODLIBET.  203 

Handy  was  the  only  topic  of  conversation  for  a  week. 
An  officer  followed  him  to  Thorough  Blue,  whence,  it 
was  rumored,  the  fugitive  had  shaped  his  course  for 
Texas :  other  reports  assigned  Canada  as  his  place  of 
refuge — all  was  uncertainty.  Legal  measures  were 
taken  to  secure  his  property.  This  consisted  of  his  ele- 
gant mansion  on  Copperplate  Ridge,  sundry  rows  of 
warehouses,  and  other  buildings  in  Quodlihet,  a  large 
number  of  which  had  been  left  for  two  years  past  in  an 
unfinished  state.  Upon  investigation  it  was  ascertained 
that  the  whole  of  this  estate  had  been  converted  into 
money;  our  worthy  representative,  the  Hon.  Middle- 
ton  Flam,  having  an  absolute  conveyance  for  Handy 
House,  its  furniture,  and  appurtenances,  and  certain 
political  friends,  connected  with  the  custom-house  in 
New  York,  rank  Whigs,  having  mortgages  on  all  the 
rest  of  the  property.  The  consequence  was,  the  bank 
was  able  to  secure  nothing. 

One  of  our  first  proceedings,  after  the  flight  of  the 
Cashier,  was  to  call  together  the  New-Light  Club,  where 
resolutions  were  passed  denouncing  his  fraud  as  the  ne- 
cessary consequence  of  his  Whig  principles,  censuring 
the  bank,  in  the  strongest  terms,  as  a  swindling  Whig 
concern,  and  avowing  an  unalterable  devotion  to  the  In- 
dependent Treasury,  as  the  only  sound,  genuine,  New- 
Light  Democratic  experiment  which  it  was  proper  for 
the  government  to  make,  in  the  present  condition 
of  aflairs — unless  the  President  should  change  his  mind 
and  find  out  something  still  more  Democratic;  in  which 
event  the  New-Light  Club  pledged  itself  to  give  that 
other  measure  their  cordial  and  patriotic  support. 

In  the  course  of  a  fortnight,  the  inhabitants  of  the 


204  QUODLIBET. 

Borough  were  surprised  to  read  from  a  New  York 
paper,  in  the  list  of  passengers  who  sailed  for  Liver- 
pool by  the  packet  of  the  first  of  October,  among  the 
names  of  sundry  fashionables,  those  also  of  Mrs.  and 
Miss  Handy ;  and  we  were,  not  long  afterward,  relieved 
from  all  doubt  as  to  the  Cashier's  destination,  by  seeing 
it  publicly  announced  that  he  had  gone  to  Havre,  from 
which  point,  as  soon  as  he  could  be  joined  by  his  in- 
teresting and  distressed  family,  he  designed  making 
the  tour  of  Europe. 

From  the  period  of  the  elopement  of  Mr.  Handy,  we 
had  a  series  of  convulsions.  The  first  incident  of  im- 
portance that  followed  it,  was  the  failure  of  the  whole 
Board  of  Directors;  each  of  whom,  according  to  his 
own  showing,  had  lost  so  much  money  by  the  abscond- 
ing Cashier  as  to  be  totally  unable  to  pay  up  his  liabil- 
ities to  the  bank.  The  next  disaster  was  the  explosion 
of  the  bank  itself.  The  abduction  of  so  large  an  amount 
of  its  funds,  as  well  as  its  unfortunate  list  of  bad  debts 
from  the  Directors,  rendered  this  inevitable.  Then  came 
riots  among  the  holders  of  its  paper,  who  besieged  the 
door  for  several  days,  and  even  threatened  to  pull  down 
the  building.  Never  was  a  community  in  a  more  un- 
happy commotion  than  ours  at  this  eventful  epoch. 

Mi*.  Grant  visited  the  Borough  frequently  during  the 
prevalence  of  these  disorders.  One  day  he  met  Theo- 
dore Fog,  who  seemed  to  be  rather  pleasurably  excited 
by  the  events  which  occupied  and  engrossed  the  public 
attention — for  Theodore,  as  he  was  in  the  habit  of  re- 
marking, had  nothing  to  lose  by  these  domestic  convul- 
sions, and  everything  to  gain.  The  election  was  at 
hand,  and  he  was  again  the  True- Grit  candidate;  but 


QUODL1BET.  205 

on  this  occasion  there  was  no  opposition  from  his  own 
party,  and  the  chance  of  electing  a  Whig  was  deemed 
hopeless.  That  side  made  no  nomination;  and  Fog, 
therefore,  with  his  two  colleagues  of  the  last  year,  was 
in  a  fair  way  to  walk  over  the  course  without  a  contest. 
The  interests  of  the  election,  consequently,  were  alto- 
gether absorbed  in  the  other  incidents  of  the  day. 
Still,  Theodore  was  not  inattentive  to  the  voters,  and 
was,  as  usual,  loquacious  and  voluble. 

"A  pretty  considerable  upheaving  of  the  elements 
of  social  life,  Mr.  Grant,"  said  he,  upon  encounter- 
ing the  old  gentleman  on  Ferret's  steps  at  the  front 
door  qf  The  Hero.  . 

"I  think  so,"  replied  Mr.  Grant;  "you  have  brought 
your  pigs  at  last  to  a  fine  market." 

"Our  pigs!"  exclaimed  Fog,  with  an  excellent  rep- 
resentation of  surprise: — "well,  that  beats  M'Gon- 
egal,  and  he  beat  the  devil.  The  whole  litter  comes 
from  a  Whig  mother:  it  is  the  spawn  of  that  aris- 
tocracy, against  which  the  intelligence,  the  honor,  and 
the  virtue  of  the  nation  have  been  waging  war  ever 
since  the  Reign  of  Terror; — but,  sir,  it  is  down;  the 
intelligence  and  firmness  of  the  people  have  triumphed 
at  last." 

"You  allude,  I  suppose,  to  your  Democratic  bank 
here,"  said  Mr.  Grant. 

"No  doubt,"  replied  Fog,  "the  Whigs  will  attempt 
to  shuffle  the  bank  off  their  shoulders  and  buckle  it  on 
the  Democrats.  But  that  won't  do,  sir;  that's  too 
stale  a  trick  to  deceive  the  people.  The  Whigs,  sir, 
are  men  of  property;  the  Democrats  are  poor,  sir. 
18 


206  QUODLIBET. 

Banks  are  not  made  by  poor  men,  Mr.  Grant;  there's 
the  logic  of  the  case." 

"And  this  Patriotic  Copperplate  Bank  of  Quodlibet 
was  not  set  on  foot  by  Nicodemus  Handy  and  Theodore 
Fog?"  returned  Mr.  Grant. 

"By  Nicodemus  Handy,"  replied  Fog,  "not  by  me. 
Sir,  Nicodemus  was  always  a  Whig;  and,  what's  more, 
attempted  to  beguile  me  into  his  scheme.  He  took 
advantage  of  my  unsuspecting  temper — endeavored  to 
lull  into  security  my  artless,  confiding  nature ;  essayed, 
sir,  but  in  vain,  to  seduce  me  from  my  allegiance  to  the 
Democratic  faith,  by  tempting  offers  of  the  presidency 
of  the  bank — but,  sir,  my  virtue  was  too  stern  for  his 
treacherous  arts.  I  saw  the  gilded  bait  and  spurned  it. 
It  was — I  say  it  myself — a  rare  example  of  successful 
resistance  to  the  fascinations  of  the  tempter.  Many  a 
Democrat  has  fallen  into  the  snare  of  the  Whigs  under 
less  allurement.  I  pride  myself  on  this  evidence  of 
self-command.  I  have  reason  to  be  proud  of  it." 

"You  have  a  short  memory,"  said  Mr.  Grant. 

"Why  as  to  that,  old  friend,"  replied  Fog  with  a 
good-natured  laugh,  at  the  same  time  laying  his  hand 
on  Mr.  Grant's  shoulder,  "you  can't  call  that  a  fault. 
Every  politician  has  a  short  memory — he'd  be  no  poli- 
tician without  it.  Mine's  no  shorter  than  the  rest. 
Sir,  let  me  tell  you,  the  great  secret  of  the  success  of 
the  immutable,  New-Light,  Quodlibetarian  Democracy, 
is  in  the  shortness  of  the  memory.  Still,  I  would  like 
to  know  what  you  mean  by  the  remark." 

"I  mean  to  say,"  replied  Mr.  Grant,  "that  when 
you  and  Nicodemus  Handy  were  endeavoring  to  per- 


QUODLIBET.  207 

suade  me  to  take  an  interest  in  your  bank,  you  didn't 
think  it  so  undemocratic  as  you  seem  to  do  to-day." 

"It  is  impossible  for  me  to  remember  what  I  said  on 
the  occasion  to  which  you  allude,  sir,"  returned  Fog; 
"but  my  principles  have  always  been  the  same.  I 
could  not  have  gone  against  them',  sir;  morally  impos- 
sible." 

"And  I  told  you  that  your  bank  was  a  humbug," 
continued  Mr.  Grant. 

"Ay,  ay,"  rejoined  Fog;  "that's  the  old  song. 
You  Whigs  are  monstrous  good  at  prophesying  after 
the  result  is  known." 

"You  admit,  I  suppose,"  said  Mr.  Grant,  "that  this 
Bank  of  Quodlibet  has  exploded?" 

"Burst,  sir,  into  a  thousand  tatters,"  replied  Fog. 

"You  admit  that  there  is  a  large  amount  of  paper 
money  afloat?" 

"A  genuine  Whig  crop,"  answered  Fog:  "enough 
to  make  a  stack  as  large  as  the  largest  in  your  barn- 
.yard." 

"You  admit  the  derangement  of  values  all  over  the 
country?" 

"Yes,  and  of  the  people  too,  if  you  make  it  a 
point." 

"The  failures  of  traders  and  of  banks?" 

"Yes." 

"This  is  reasonable,  Mr.  Fog.  Now,  you  shall  judge 
whether  the  Whigs  prophesy  before  or  after  the  result," 
said  Mr.  Grant,  as  he  thrust  his  hand  into  his  skirt 
pocket  and  drew  forth  a  pamphlet.  "I  expected  to 
meet  you  to-day,  and  I  have  brought  you  a  document 


208  QUODLIBET. 

for  your  especial  perusal.  It  is  the  speech  of  a  Whig 
member  of  Congress,  made  in  1834,  upon  the  Removal 
of  the  Deposits ; — you  will  find  the  leaf  turned  down 
at  page  32 ;  and,  as  you  are  a  good  reader,  I  wish  you 
would  favor  this  company  by  reading  it  aloud,  where 
you  see  it  scored  in  the  margin." 

"Not  I,"  replied  Theodore;  "that's  four  years  ago. 
The  statute  of  limitation  bars  that." 

"He's  afeard  to  read  it,"  said  Abel  Brawn  to  some 
five  or  six  persons,  who  had  collected  around  the  steps 
during  this  conversation.  "Mr.  Grant's  mighty  par- 
ticular with  his  documents,  and  ain't  to  be  shook  off  in 
an  argument." 

"The.,  you  ain't  afeard,  old  fellow?"  said  Flan 
Sucker.  "  Walk  into  him,  The.  Read  it." 

"Give  me  the  book,"  said  Fog,  "and  let's  see  what 
it  is.  Speech  by  Horace  Binney — eh  ?  Who's  he  ?  I 
think  I  have  heard  the  name.  Well,  for  the  sake 
of  obliging  a  friend,  I'll  read. — Conticuere  omnes — 
which  means  listen."  Fog  then  read  as  follows: — 

"It  is  here  that  we  find  a  pregnant  source  of  the 
present  agony — it  is  in  the  clearly  avowed  design  to 
bring  a  second  time  upon  this  land  the  curse  of  an  un- 
regulated, uncontrolled  State-Bank  paper  currency. 
We  are  again  to  see  the  drama  which  already,  in  the 
course  of  the  present  century,  has  passed  before  us, 
and  closed  in  ruin.  If  the  project  shall  be  successful — " 

"What  project?"  inquired  Fog. 

"  The  destruction  of  the  Bank  of  the  United  States, 
and  the  refusal  to  create  another  in  its  place,"  an- 
swered Mr.  Grant. 


'  QUODLIBET.  209 

Theodore  read  on— 

"If  the  project  shall  be  successful,  we  are  again  to 
see  these  paper  missiles  shooting  in  every  direction 
through  the  country — a  derangement  of  all  values, — a 
depreciated  circulation— a  suspension  of  specie  pay- 
ments ; — then  a  further  extension  of  the  same  detesta- 
ble paper — a  still  greater  depreciation — with  failures 
of  traders  and  failures  of  banks  in  its  train — to  arrive 
at  last  at  the  same  point  from  which  we  departed 
in  1817." 

"A  rank  forgery,"  said  Theodore  Fog,  "printed  for 
the  occasion." 

"That  won't  do,"  replied  Mr.  Grant;  "I  have  been 
the  owner  of  this  pamphlet  ever  since  1834  myself." 

"Then  Binney  is  a  Dimmycrat,"  said  Sim  Travers, 
"  and  you  are  trying  to  pass  him  off  on  us  for  a  Whig. 
Sound  Dimmycratic  doctrine  and  true  prophecy." 

"Huzza  for  Binney  !"  shouted  Flan  Sucker,  "a  tip- 
top Dimmycrat,  whoever  he  is ! — I  never  heard  of  him 
before." 

"Yes,"  said  Mr.  Grant,  "one  ounce  of  his  Democ- 
racy is  worth  a  ton  weight  of  the  best  you  will  find  in 
the  Globe.  But  read  on,  a  little  further  below,  where 
you  see  it  scored." 

"I  have  an  innate  and  mortal  aversion  to  reading," 
returned  Fog. 

"It  must  be  gone  through,"  said  Flan  Sucker, — 
"  because  them  sentiments  is  the  rale  Dimraocracy,  and 
we  want  to  hear  them.  So,  go  it,  The ! — Yip  —  listen 
boys,  to  the  doctrine." 

18* 


210  QUODLIBET. 

"Well,"  said  Fog,  "if  you  will  have  it — as  the  pil- 
lory said  to  the  thief,  'lend  me  your  ears.'  " 

"I  thank  the  Secretary,"  he  began  with  a  discreet 
voice,  reading  where  Mr.  Grant  appointed  for  him, 
"for  the  disclosure  of  this  plan.  I  trust  in  God  it  will 
be  defeated:  that  the  Bank  of  the  United  States,  while 
it  is  in  existence,  may  be  sustained  and  strengthened 
by  the  public  opinion,  and  interests  of  the  people,  to 
defeat  it :  that  the  sound  and  sober  State  banks  of  the 
Union  may  resist  it — for  it  is  their  cause :  that  the 
poor  men  and  laborers  in  the  land  may  resist  it — for  it 
is  a  scheme  to  get  from  every  one  of  them  a  dollar's 
worth  of  labor  for  fifty  cents,  and  to  make  fraud  the  cur- 
rency of  the  country  as  much  as  paper.  Sir,  the  Bank 
of  the  United  States,  in  any  other  relation  than  to  the 
currency  and  property  of  the  country,  is  as  little  to 
me  as  to  any  man  under  heaven ;  but  after  the  prime 
and  vigor  of  life  are  passed,  and  the  power  of  accumula- 
tion is  gone,  to  see  the  children  stripped,  by  the  mon- 
strous imposture  of  a  paper  currency,  of  all  that  the 
father's  industry  had  provided  for  them — this,  sir,  may 
well  excuse  the  warmth  that  denounces  this  plan,  as 
the  precursor  of  universal  dismay  and  ruin." 

"I'll  read  no  more,"  said  Fog,  giving  back  the 
book,  with  a  theatrical  flourish  of  his  arm,  to  Mr. 
Grant ;  "  it  is  nothing  more  than  stealing  our  prin- 
ciples from  us,  and  then  bringing  them  up  to  break  our 
heads." 

"  It  is  good  Whig  prophecy,  four  years  before  its 
fulfillment,"  said  Mr.  Grant,  "and  which  has  come  true 


QUODLIBET.  211 

to  the  letter.  It  shows  you  that  we  set  our  faces 
against  your  increase  of  banks  in  the  very  beginning ; 
gave  you  warning  of  what  was  to  come ;  painted  the 
very  evils  of  this  day  so  plainly  before  your  eyes  that 
nothing  but  willful  blindness  prevented  you  from  seeing 
them ;  and  now,  when  it  has  all  fallen  out  as  it  was 
foretold,  you  attempt  to  make  us  responsible  to  the 
people  for  your  measures." 

"  Sir,"  said  Fog,  rather  evading  the  argument,  as  it 
is  an  admirable  part  of  the  New-Light  system  to  do 
when  it  pinches,  "the  New-Light  Democracy  changes 
its  measures,  but  never  its  principles.  "We  go,  sir,  for 
the  will  of  the  people — that's  the  principle  which  lies 
at  the  bottom  of  all  our  actions.  If  the  people  are  for 
new  measures,  we  frankly  come  out  with  them.  Now, 
sir,  the  people  are  against  the  banks — they  are  for  the 
Independent  Treasury :  of  course,  then,  you  know 
where  to  find  us.  You  can't  get  round  us — there  we 
are." 

"I'll  not  dispute  that  point  with  you,"  replied  Mr. 
Grant;  "you  have  been  changing  from  bad  to  worse 
ever  since  you  have  had  the  control  of  affairs.  I  only 
wanted  to  remind  you  that  the  present  distress  of  the 
country  is  the  work  of  your  own  hands,  and  that  you 
have  brought  it  about  with  your  eyes  open." 

Saying  these  words  Mr.  Grant  walked  off  toward  the 
stable,  where  he  mounted  his  horse  and  rode  out  of  the 
Borough. 

As  soon  as  the  old  gentleman  was  gone,  Theodore 
Fog  remarked  that  he  had  not  had  as  dry  a  talk  for 
some  years,  and  proposed  to  the  company  a  general 
visit  to  the  bar. 


212  QUODLIBET. 

"  They  talk  of  distress"  said  lie.  "  Mr.  Grant  lias 
gone  off  with  his  head  full  of  that  notion  of  distress ; 
it's  a  famous  Whig  argument,  that.  But  what  distress 
is  there  ?  Drinking's  as  cheap ;  eating's  as  cheap  as 
ever ;  so  is  lying.  Eating,  drinking,  and  lying,  are  the 
three  principal  occupations  of  man.  Lying  down,  I 
mean,  metaphorically  for  sleeping.  Where's  the  dis- 
tress, then  ?  Mere  panic — false  alarm — a  Whig  in- 
vention !  The  country  is  better  off  than  it  ever  was 
hefore.  Not  for  men  who  trade  upon  credit,  I  allow — 
not  for  merchants  and  shippers  in  general — not  for 
your  fellows  that  go  ahout  for  jobs — not  for  farmers 
— not  for  regular  laborers — not  for  mechanics,  with 
families  on  their  hands,  and  perhaps  not  for  single  ones 
neither ; — but  first-rate  for  lawyers,  bar-keepers,  and 
brokers,  for  marshals  and  sheriffs — capital  for  con- 
stables— nonpareil  for  postmasters,  contractors,  express- 
riders,  and  office-holders ;  and  glorious  for  fellows  that 
are  fond  of  talking  and  have  nothing  to  do : — these  are 
the  very  gristle  of  the  New- Light  Democracy,  and 
make  a  genteel  majority  at  the  elections." 

"Mr.  Fog,"  said  Jesse  Ferret,  "I  am  so  well  pleased 
at  your  reading  for  Mr.  Grant  this  morning,  that  I'm 
determined  to  give  you  a  treat ; — help  yourself  and 
your  friends.  Gentlemen,  walk  up." 

"Glad  you  liked  it,  old  buck,"  replied  Fog.  "Bless 
your  heart,  I'm  used  to  such  things.  A  political  man 
must  always  be  ready  for  rubbers ;  never  would  get  a 
gloss  if  it  wasn't  for  brushing.  That  Binney's  a  smart 
fellow ;  but  every  word  of  that  speech  was  whispered 
into  his  ear  by  Benton ;  I  know  the  fact  personally. 
He  and  Benton  sit  up  every  night  of  their  lives 


QUODLIBET.  213 

together  in  Washington,  playing  old  sledge  and  drink- 
ing cocktail :  that  accounts  for  Binney's  Democracy. 
Gentlemen,  our  friend  Ferret's  treat — we'll  drink  his 
health  —  a  worthy,  persuadable,  amenable  man  —  so 
here's  to  him.  Wait  for  the  word — Jesse  Ferret,  a 
gentleman  and  a  scholar,  an  antiquarian  and  a  tavern- 
keeper — long  life  to  him  !" 


214  QUODLIBET. 


CHAPTER  XVI. 

A   RAPID    REVIEW  OF    ONE    TEAR WHAT    THE    AUTHOR    IS    COMPELLED 

TO  PRETERMIT THE  PRESIDENT'S    "SOBER  8ECONDTHOUGHT"  MES- 
SAGE    RECEIVED     AT     QUODLIBET     WITH     GREAT     REJOICING THE 

AUTHOR  COMMUNES  WITH    HIS    READER  TOUCHING  NEW-LIGHT  PRIN- 
CIPLES  ILLUSTRATIONS    OF    THEM REMARKABLE    DEXTERITY    OF 

THE  SECRETARY INTERESTING  LETTER   FROM  THE  HON.  MIDDLETON 

FLAM DAWNING  OF  THE    PRESIDENTIAL    CANVASS THE    NORTHERN 

MAN    WITH    SOUTHERN    PRINCIPLES    AND    HIS    MANNIKIN. 

TIME  held  his  course.  Another  year  went  by,  and 
brought  us  to  the  sixth  since  the  Removal.  The  year 
which  I  pass  over  was  marked  by  many  public  and 
domestic  incidents  worthy  of  note  in  the  history  of 
Quodlibet.  Gladly  would  I  have  tarried  to  entertain 
my  reader  with  some  of  these ;  but  I  am  admonished 
of  the  necessity  of  bringing  these  desultory  annals  to 
a  close.  Especially  might  I  find  much  to  interest  many 
of  those  who  will  peruse  these  pages,  in  the  private  and 
personal  affairs  of  the  Borough;  some  of  the  events 
of  the  bygone  year  being  of  a  nature  to  kindle  up 
pathetic  emotions  in  their  bosoms.  The  blank  despair 
of  Agamemnon  Flag  when  he  first  heard  of  the  flight 
of  Nicodemus  Handy ;  his  melancholy  visits  of  con- 
solation to  the  bereaved  family;  the  disinterested 
avowal  of  his  long-smothered  and  smouldering  love  to 
the  heiress  apparent;  and  his  offer  of  his  hand  and 
fortune — consisting  of  a  new  suit  of  clothes,  and  a 


QOODLIBET.  215 

horse  and  gig,  purchased  on  credit — to  this  dejected 
lady;  his  still  blanker  despair,  his  disappointment  and 
vows  of  revenge  when,  after  listening  to  his  suit,  he 
found  it  announced  that  she  had  sailed  without  him,  to 
make  the  grand  tour  of  Europe ;  and  finally,  the  stoical 
philosophy  with  which  he  renounced  all  claim  to  the 
reversionary  interest  in  the  one  hundred  and  sixty 
thousand  dollars  taken  from  the  bank,  as  well  as  the 
net  proceeds  of  Handy  Place,  and  the  rows  of  build- 
ings, finished  and  unfinished,  in  Quodlibet — these  inci- 
dents would  furnish  an  episode  of  tenderness  and 
passion  without  a  parallel  since  the  Medea  of  Euripides. 

But  these  excursions  are  foreign  from  the  purpose 
of  this  book,  and  I  am  sure  would  be  disallowed  by  the 
respectable  committee  at  whose  instance  I  have  entered 
upon  this  task.  Indeed,  they  have  explicitly  enjoined 
that  I  divulge  nothing  under  their  sanction,  touching  the 
concerns  of  Quodlibet  which  in  any  manner  borders  upon 
the  romantic.  Upon  these  subjects  their  caution  is, 
Nulli  tacuisse  nocet,  tutum  silentii  prsemium.  I  must, 
therefore,  reluctantly  pretermit  all  such  matter — re- 
serving for  some  other  occasion  the  gratification  of  the 
public  curiosity  therein. 

In  looking  back  upon  the  public  events  of  this  inter- 
val, I  deem  it  necessary,  in  passing,  merely  to  notice 
the  fact  that  the  New  Lights  were  greatly  rejoiced  to 
find  in  Mr.  Van  Buren's  message  to  Congress  a  com- 
plete justification  of  the  Secretary's  promise  to  Mr. 
Flam,  the  import  of  which  was  to  assure  our  representa- 
tive that  the  President  had  made  up  his  mind,  after 
the  rejection  of  that  measure,  to-  carry  the  Independent 
Treasury  in  spite  of  the  people.  Our  uncompromising, 


216  QUODLIBET. 

fearless,  and  unshakable  Quods,  true  to  the  dictates 
of  their  creed,  were,  I  repeat,  greatly  rejoiced  at  the 
manly  perseverance  and  unquenchable  self-will  with 
which  the  President  delivered  over  that  question  to  the 
"Sober  Secondthoughts"  (a  pest  upon  the  unlucky 
coincidence  of  that  phrase  with  my  patronymic ! — it 
hath  given  license  to  the  tongues  of  the  wags,  to  my 
annoyance)  of  the  people.  Every  good  New-Light 
Democrat  in  the  land  understood  the  hint — and  a 
presidential  hint  is  no  small  matter  to  a  Democrat 
now-a-days.  Truly  delightful  was  it  to  see  how  it 
acted  upon  the  New  Lights.  Not  a  man  among  them 
who  had  hitherto  halted  on  a  scruple  of  conscience,  but 
became  thereupon,  in  the  twinkling  of  an  eye,  a  de- 
voted champion  of  the  Independent  Treasury;  and 
that,  too,  without  knowing,  or  caring  to  know,  what  it 
was.  It  was  hoisted  in  capitals,  at  the  head  of 
Eliphalet  Fox's  Weekly,  and  became  forthwith,  as  it 
were,  a  word  written  on  our  banner.  We  were,  one 
and  all,  converted  into  milites  subsignani,  and  became 
the  Maccabees  of  this  new  kind  of  Independent 
Treasury. 

It  has  doubtless  often  occurred  to  the  reader  of  this 
irregular  history  to  inquire  how  it  comes  to  pass  that 
the  historian  has  ventured  to  relate  with  such  com- 
posure, nay,  with  such  complacency,  what  superficial 
thinkers,  at  least,  might  deem  to  be  the  changes  in  the 
political  principles  of  the  New  Lights.  Superficial  is 
a  good  word,  and  truly  explains  the  case.  Our 
principles,  as  every  one  who  is  gifted  with  sufficient 
astuteness  could  not  fail  to  have  observed  throughout 
this  narrative — and  as,  in  fact,  we  have  more  than 


QUODLIBET.  217 

once  insinuated — are  much  deeper  than  the  measures 
we,  from  time  to  time,  find  it  convenient  to  adopt.  We 
hold  a  change  of  measures,  a  change  of  opinions,  a 
change  of  doctrine,  and  even  a  change  of  established 
facts,  as  nothing.  But  a  change  of  men  we  totally 
abhor;  a  change  of  office,  unless  in  the  way  of  pro- 
motion, we  utterly  discountenance;  and  a  change  from 
a  majority  to  a  minority  we  execrate  as  wholly  abom- 
inable, detestable,  and  in  nowise  to  be  endured. 
Now,  in  our  creed,  men,  officers,  and  majorities  make 
up  the  complex  idea  of  what  we  denominate  principle. 
The  whole  scope  of  the  New-Light  philosophy  is,  by 
the  vigor  of  this  thing  principle,  as  I  have  defined  it, 
to  keep  the  Whigs  down  and  our  modern  school  of  New- 
Light  Democrats  up.  We  proudly  appeal  to  our  past 
history  to  sustain  our  consistency  in  this  pursuit.  Let 
any  dispassionate  observer  trace  our  meanderings 
through  the  last  ten  years:  he  will  see  the  efficacy 
of  our  system  manifested  in  the  wonderful,  the  almost 
miraculous  conversion  of  Old  Blue-Light  Federalists, 
and  Federalists  of  every  hue,  into  the  Born  Veterans 
of  Democracy,  and  in  investing  these  worthy  relics 
of  ancient  patriotism  with  the  most  profitable  offices 
in  the  gift  of  the  government.  He  will  see  it  in  the 
merciless  war — bellum  ad  internecionem — waged  by 
our  forces  in  the  name  of  the  people,  against  credit, 
commerce,  and  industry:  he  will  remark  how  abund- 
antly, and,  as  it  were,  by  magic,  it  has  fed  the  nation 
upon  the  economical,  and  therefore  republican  food  of 
promises,  relating  to  a  sound  currency — especially  those 
referring  to  the  gold  and  silver,  while  it  was  stealing 
along  into  the  cheap  and  convenient  system  of  a 
19 


218  QUODLIBET. 

government  paper  in  the  shape  of  Treasury  notes; 
and  he  will  observe,  with  unfeigned  surprise  and  re- 
doubled admiration,  how  effectually  it  has  secured  to 
us  the  services  and  the  money  of  the  most  opulent  in- 
dividuals in  the  land,  and  of  the  largest  corporations 
created  by  the  States — in  a  most  signal  degree  those 
concerned  in  public  works — while  it  preaches  against 
wealth,  chartered  privileges  and  monopolies,  and,  by 
its  zeal  against  them,  has  enlisted  almost  every  penni- 
less man,  every  wasted  bankrupt,  and  every  cracked 
reputation  in  the  Union  upon  our  side.  But  we  have  a 
still  more  illustrious  exemplification  of  the  practical 
value  of  our  philosophy  in  the  address  with  which 
affairs  are  managed  by  the  head  of  the  Treasury. 

The  letter  of  directions  to  the  Hon.  Middleton  Flam, 
with  which  my  readers  have  been  favored  in  a  previous 
chapter,  it  will  be  remembered,  required  the  New  Lights 
to  support  the  Independent  Treasury,  and  as  necessary 
thereto,  to  take  ground  against  the  State  banks,  as 
altogether  unsafe  depositories  of  the  public  money.  Jt 
further  intimated,  supposing  we  might  be  diffident  about 
this,  that  the  Secretary  of  the  Treasury  had  already 
furnished  evidence  of  this  fact,  and  would,  at  the 
proper  time,  make  it  manifest  that  the  Government 
had  lost  more  money  by  the  banks  than  by  any  other 
agents  it  had  ever  trusted.  Our  club  had  never  before 
been  aware  that  the  Secretary  had  reversed  his  old 
opinions  on  this  grave  question,  and  we,  therefore,  lost 
no  time  in  making  a  call  upon  our  member  for  inform- 
ation. Great  anxiety  was  felt  to  possess  the  Secre- 
tary's views.  A  substantial  yindication  of  the  Inde- 
pendent Treasury  in  this  aspect,  by  the  overthrow  of 


QUODLIBET.  219 

the  banks  on  the  authority  of  the  man  who  had  built 
them  up,  was  a  desideratum  which  we  all  acknowledged ; 
and  its  success  we  were  prepared  to  regard  as  the 
greatest  triumph  of  the  New-Light  principle,  to  be 
accomplished  through  the  influence  of  that  matchless 
Secretary,  "whose  mind,"  as  Theodore  Fog  once 
remarked,  "was  endued  with  a  radiating  faculty  suffi- 
ciently intense  to  light  up  the  bottom  of  a  bog,  impart 
a  vitreous  translucency  to  the  home  of  the  frog,  and 
illuminate  the  abode  of  the  bat  with  a  luster  more  bril- 
liant than  that  which  glittered  through  the  boudoirs  of 
the  palace  of  Aladdin."  We  were  aware  that  in  1834 
his  duty  required  him  to  prove  that  the  State  banks, 
while  unmolested  by  the  vexatious  presence  of  a  bank 
of  the  United  States,  were  the  safest  of  all  possible 
custodiaries  of  the  people's  money ;  and  that  it  was  the 
Monster  Bank  alone  which  incapacitated  them  to  fulfill 
their  engagements  to  the  Government — thence  deducing 
the  fact,  that  when  the  monster  was  dead,  the  public 
funds  could  be  no  otherwise  than  safe  in  their  keeping. 
We  were  aware  that  at  that  time  it  was  more  particu- 
larly his  duty  to  praise  the  State  banks,  because  the 
unprincipled  Whigs  denied  the  fact  of  their  safety,  and 
opposed  the  scheme  of  giving  them  the  public  treasure, 
on  the  very  ground  that  the  Government  had  been  a 
heavy  loser  by  them  from  the  period  of  the  war  up  to 
the  date  of  the  charter  of  th-e  bank.  We  had  read 
carefully  his  report  of  the  12th  of  December  in  that 
year,  and  remembered  these  words : — 

"It  is  a  remarkable  fact  connected  with  this  inquiry, 
though  often  represented  otherwise,  that  not  a  single 


220  QUODLIBET. 

selected  State  bank  failed  between  the  expiration  of 
the  old  charter  and  the  grant  of  the  new  one;  and 
that  none  of. our  losses  included  in  our  unavailable 
funds  happened  until  some  time  in  1817,  after  the 
United  States  Bank  was  in  operation." 

This,  and  some  other  facts  culled  from  the  same  re 
port,  constituted  the  armory  of  weapons  by  which  our 
club  so  manfully  fought  and  prostrated  the  croaking 
and  factious  Whigs  of  Quodlibet,  when,  in  their  ravings, 
they  predicted  loss  from  our  employment  of  the  pet 
banks.  But  the  New  Lights  being  now  ordered  to  take 
another  tack,  and  being  promised  a  good  fabrication  of 
facts  to  fortify  our  position,  we  rested  on  our  arms  like 
soldiers  confident  in  the  talents  of  their  general  to  in- 
trench them  in  their  new  camp,  secure  against  every 
charge  of  the  enemy.  Mr.  Flam  lost  no  time  in  pro- 
viding us  with  the  Secretary's  report  of  February  27th, 
1838.  That  officer  did  not  deceive  our  hopes.  This 
luminous  paper  carried  demonstration  on  its  wings  and 
refutation  in  its  footsteps.  Prodigious  man !  Enormous 
functionary!  Brightest  of  ministers!  Samson  of  the 
New  Lights !  Aaron  and  Moses  both  in  one,  of  our 
Democratic,  Quodlibetarian,  Golden-calf-worshiping 
Israelites,  (I  speak  symbolically,  and  not  in  derogation 
of  the  anxiously-looked-for  and  long-desired  Bentonian 
coin.)  He  but  touched  the  rock  of  New-Light  faith, 
and  forth  gushed  the  facts  like  water — yea,  and  argu- 
ments like  milk  and  water.  With  what  gratulation  did 
we  read,~- 

"The   loss  to  the  Treasury  by  taking  depreciated 


QUODLIBET.  221 

notes,  in  1814,  '15,  '16,  and  '17,  is  estimated  at  quite 
five  millions  five  hundred  thousand  dollars;  and  there 
is  now  on  hand  of  such  notes  then  received  and  never 
paid  away,  or  collected,  about  eighty  thousand  dollars 


There  was  a  conclusive  argument  to  all  that  the 
Whigs  might  have  urged  in  favor  of  the  safety  of  State 
banks,  if  they  had  thought  proper  to  defend  them; 
and,  in  truth,  it  was  some  little  mortification  to  us  that 
our  adversaries  did  not  come  out  in  favor  of  the  banks, 
when  we  were  so  well  provided  with  facts  to  put  them 
down.  But  they,  with  that  remarkable  obstinacy 
which  has  ever  characterized  them,  and  which  is  alto- 
gether behind  the  age,  stuck  to  their  old  opinions,  and 
left  us  without  anything  to  controvert,  except,  indeed, 
our  own  facts  of  1834. 

This  instance,  however,  serves  to  show  with  what 
majestic  bounds  the  New  Lights  have  passed  over  the 
broad  field  of  measures,  and  with  what  facile  and  grace- 
ful dexterity  they  have  refuted  that  antiquated  and 
vulgar  adage  which  stigmatizes  facts  as  stubborn  things. 
Thus  the  beauty  of  this  unrivaled  philosophy  consists 
in  the  harmony  with  which  it  reconciles  past  times  with 
the  present,  with  which  it  dovetails  discordant  prin- 
ciples, with  which  it  brings  into  brotherhood  elements 
the  most  repulsive,  facts  the  most  antagonistical,  men 
the  most  variant,  and  contingencies  the  most  impos- 
sible; which  converts  every  man  into  a  Janus,  every 
highway  into  a  labyrinth,  every  beacon  into  a  light- 
house— giving  to  falsehood  the  value  of  truth,  to 
shadow  the  usefulness  of  substance,  and  to  concealment, 
19* 


222  QUODLIBET. 

the  estimation  of  candor.  Truly  is  it  the  great  dis- 
covery of  modern  times !  My  reader,  I  trust,  will  not, 
now  that  I  have  opened  his  understanding  to  the  per- 
ception of  this  sublime  spell-working  philosophy,  allow 
himself  henceforth  to  question  the  laudable  sentiment 
of  approbation  with  which  I  have  developed  the  prac- 
tical operation  of  this  theory  in  the  history  of  Quod- 
libet. 

There  was  another  matter  worthy  of  remark  in  the 
events  of  the  year,  which  I  must  cursorily  notice  be- 
fore I  proceed  to  the  era  with  which  I  propose  presently 
to  occupy  my  readers.  The  Presidential  election  was 
now  in  view,  and  received  that  grave  consideration 
from  the  members  of  Congress  which  they  are  in  the 
habit  of  giving  to  everything  in  Washington  except 
the  trifling  business  of  making  laws.  Our  diligent  and 
watchful  representative,  some  time  before  the  close  of 
the  short  session,  wrote  to  our  club  a  letter  full  of  im- 
portant advice  for  our  guidance  in  the  affairs  of  the 
approaching  canvass  for  the  Presidency. 

Among  other  valuable  disclosures,  "the  Whigs," 
said  he,  "are  to  hold  a  Convention  at  Harrisburg. 
Harry  Clay,  or,  as  they  term  him,  Harry  of  the  West, 
is  to  be  their  man; — at  least,  so  we  suspect.  Whoever 
he  be,  we  have  made  up  our  minds  as  to  our  course — 
Tie  is  to  be  run  down  in  the  South  as  an  Abolitionist. 
Abolition  is  the  best  hobby  we  have  had  since  the  death 
of  the  Monster.  We  have  already  broken  ground; 
and  if  Kendall  and  Blair  can't  prove  Clay  or  anybody 
else  to  be  an  abolitionist,  the  deuce  is  in  it:  their  right 
hand  will  have  forgotten  its  cunning.  The  Globe  is 
full  of  the  matter  already.  Tell  Eliphalet  Fox  to 


QUODLIBET.  223 

begin  at  once  and  bark  in  the  same  key : — all  the  little 
dogs  are  expected  to  yelp  after  the  old  hound — or,  as 
Pickens  calls  him,  the  Galvanized  Corpse:  many  of 
them  are  at  it  lustily  now.  In  1836,  Van's  principles 
were  luckily  Northern; — so  we  have  resolved  to  let 
them  have  full  swing  beyond  the  Potomac,  and  to  put 
him  in  masquerade  for  the  South.  We  rely  implicitly 
on  the  stolidity  of  Pennsylvania;  and  shall  secure  New 
York  by  a  concession  to  her  banks,  which  for  the  time 
we  mean  to  treat  amiably.  Our  chief  aim  is  the  South. 
Van,  being  thoroughly  imbued  with  the  New-Light 
Quodlibetarian  Democracy,  has  consented,  for  the 
benefit  of  our  cause  south  of  Potomac,  to  be  dubbed 
'The  Northern  man  with  Southern  principles' — re- 
member that,  and  tell  Fox  to  ring  the  changes  on  it  in 
every  paper.  We  have  hired  a  New  Hampshire  man 
to  play  clown  to  Van:  and  he  somersets  when  his 
master  does.  This  has  a  most  striking  effect.  We  call 
him  the  mannikin  of  the  North  with  Southern  prin- 
ciples— Van's  mignonette.  Our  contract  required  him 
to  bring  in  the  anti-abolition  resolutions  touching  the 
petitions;  and  although  he  could  not  venture  against 
the  reception,  he  has  bolted  down  all  the  rest,  totidem 
verbis  et  syllabis,  as  we  wrote  them  for  him; — the  re- 
ception we  struck  out  to  accommodate  the  Democratic 
abolitionism  of  his  district.  The  effect  of  this  coup 
d'dtat  was  magical ;  and  having  gagged  Wise  and  the  rest 
of  the  Whigs  with  the  Previous  Question,  we  have  left 
them  in  a  state  of  unnatural  retention  which  threatens 
to  prove  fatal.  It  is  universally  considered  here  a  most 
lucky  hit — Van  and  the  Mannikin;  and  we  shall,  with 
these  performers,  play  '  The  Northern  man  with  South- 


224  QUODLIBET. 

ern  Principles,'  to  crowded  houses.  Keep  it  going! — 
and  don't  forget,  Clay  is  an  Abolitionist.  If  the  Har- 
risburg  convention  nominates  anybody  else — the  same 
paragraphs  will  suit  him; — Mutato  nomine  de  te  fabula 
narretur.  Get  the  Secretary  to  translate  that.  Be 
discreet,  and  show  this  letter  only  to  the  faithful." 

It  may'readily  be  imagined  that  our  club  was  thrown 
into  ecstacy  by  this  confidential  missive.  Being  the 
custodiary  of  the  letter,  I  have  ventured,  without  the 
permission  of  the  club,  to  incorporate  it  in  these 
annals;  taking  upon  myself  the  risk  of  their  displeas- 
ure rather  than  withhold  so  fine  a  specimen  of  the 
New-Light  Quodlibetarian  Democracy; — and  indeed  I 
can  see  no  reason  why  the  world  shouldn't  have  it.  We 
have  no  secrets  among  the  New  Lights. 

I  proceed  now  to  the  Fourth  Era  in  these  annals. 


QUODLIBET.  225 


CHAPTER  XVII. 

FOCBTH  EKA THE  HON.  MIDDLETON  FLAM   RE-ELECTED — THE  NEW 

LIGHTS  DETERMINE  TO  STIGMATIZE  T1IE  WHIGS  AS  FEDERALISTS 

MR.  FLAM'S  INSTRUCTIONS  IN  REGARD  TO  THE  PRESIDENTIAL  CAN- 
VASS  NOMINATION   OF    HARRISON   AND     TYLER COURSE    OF   THE 

NEW  LIGHTS FORMATION    OF    THE    GRAND    CENTRAL    COMMITTEE  OF 

UNFLINCHING    NEW-LIGHT  QUODLIBETARIAN  DEMOCRATS ITS  PRES- 
IDENT, SECRETARY,  AND    PLACE    OF    MEETING. 

IN  the  autumn  of  1839,  the  Hon.  Middleton  Flam 
was  again  our  candidate  for  Congress.  He  was  op- 
posed by  the  celebrated  John  Smith,  of  Thorough  Blue. 
This  contest  was  marked  by  one  conspicuous  feature  : 
we  had  completely  succeeded  in  appropriating  to  our 
party  the  name  of  Democrats — at  least  we  had  labored 
very  hard  to  do  so; — our  next  move  was  to  get  up  the 
old  hue  and  cry  of  Federalism  against  the  Whigs. 
This  required  great  boldness ;  but  Middleton  Flam 
entered  upon  the  endeavor  with  the  intrepidity  of  a 
hero.  Eliphalet  Fox  walked  in  his  footsteps,  and  from 
all  quarters,  simultaneously,  and  by  a  well-managed 
concert,  the  cry  of  Federalist  was  poured  forth  upon 
our  opponents;  and  Henry  Clay  especially  —  as  we 
counted  on  him  for  the  Presidential  candidate — was 
proved  to  be  tainted  with  Federalism  beyond  all  hope 
of  bleaching  it  out. 

We  had  now  two  great  points  settled  with  reference 
to  the  canvass  for  the  Presidency:  the  Whig  candidate 


226  QUODLIBET. 

was  to  be  brought  into  disgrace,  first,  as  an  Abolition- 
ist, and,  secondly,  as  a  Federalist.  Mr.  Flam  gave  our 
club  every  assurance  that  these  two  charges  combined 
would  destroy  the  purest  man  that  ever  lived ;  and 
that  it  was  only  necessary  to  drive  these  spikes  with  a 
sledgehammer  every  day,  and  the  Democracy  in  the 
end  could  not  fail  to  believe  in  the  existence  and  in  the 
enormity  of  these  offenses,  no  matter  who  should  be 
brought  out  by  the  Whigs — whether  Scott,  Clay,  Har- 
rison, or  Webster. 

But  we  had  pretty  conclusively  made  up  our  minds 
that  Clay  was  to  be  the  man;  and  our  club  in  conse- 
quence immediately  set  about  procuring  the  materials 
for  a  biography  of  that  statesman,  designed  to  demon- 
strate that  he  had  all  his  life  been  a  Hartford  Conven- 
tionist  in  sentiment,  and  an  unsparing  enemy  of  South- 
ern institutions.  This  task  was  consigned  to  Eliphalet 
Fox,  who  very  soon  amassed  a  wonderful  amount  of 
matter  exactly  to  our  purpose.  In  this,  Eliphalet  gave 
evidence  of  his  usual  skill ;  and  his  facts  were  so  con- 
trived that  they  might  be  used  with  equal  success 
against  either  of  the  four  above  named,  or  indeed  any 
one  else  who  might  be  brought  forward:  but  as  Eli- 
phalet had  a  particular  hatred  for  Mr.  Clay,  and  was 
more  accustomed  to  defame  him  than  any  other  great 
man  in  the  nation,  the  compilation  was  imbued  with  a 
spirit  that  would  have  been  much  more  effective  in 
breaking  down  Mr.  Clay's  reputation  than  that  of 
either  of  the  others. 

Great  was  the  sensation  produced  in  Quodlibet,  great 
was  our  mortification,  and  great  our  surprise  upon  re- 
ceiving the  news  in  December  from  Harrisburg.  The 


QUODLIBET.  227- 

convention  actually  passed  by  Mr.  Clay,  passed  by  the 
great  claims  of  Scott  and  Webster,  and  brought  out 
General  William  Henry  Harrison,  together  with  John 
Tyler  for  the  Vice-Presidency ; — thus,  by  a  perversity 
which,  on  all  important  occasions,  distinguishes  the 
Whigs,  putting  the  two  old  horses  of  1836  upon  the 
course. 

Mr.  Flam  was  now  at  Washington.  Our  club  met 
and  immediately  opened  a  correspondence  with  him  for 
advice.  "Keep  your  eye  on  the  Globe,"  was  his  first 
admonition.  His  second  was,  "  Open  upon  Harrison 
your  Abolition  batteries; — swear  that  the  nomination 
was  procured  by  Garrison ;  —  charge  Tyler  with 
being  a  slaveholder,  and  send  that  off  to  New  Hamp- 
shire;— prove  that  Harrison  was  a  stark  Federalist  by 
accepting  an  ensigncy  from  the  hands  of  Washington ; 
— but,  above  all,  turn  him  into  derision  for  his  poverty 
and  plain  habits." 

It  was  wonderful  to  see  the  zeal  with  which  Quod- 
libet  set  about  the  task  assigned  to  it  by  its  distin- 
guished counselor.  Eliphalet  Fox,  with  a  degree  of 
magnanimity  uncommon  in  an  editor,  took  the  field  in 
behalf  of  Mr.  Clay.  "That  persecuted  patriot,"  said 
he,  "who  deserved  more  of  his  party  than  any  man  in 
the  nation,  has  been  treated  with  absolute  contempt. 
It  was  due  to  his  great  claims  to  offer  him  the  Presi- 
dency; but  the  spirit  of  abolition  swayed  this  factious 
convention,  and  Mr.  Clay  was  rejected  solely  on  ac- 
count of  his  well-known  and  deep-rooted  attachment 
to  the  slave-holding  interests  of  the  South.  As  to 
Genera!  Harrison,"  the  same  article . continued,  "his 
humble  station  as  the  clerk  of  a  county  court,  his  in- 


228  QUODLIBET. 

significance  and  poverty,  will  leave  the  Democrats  but 
little  to  overcome.  Well  has  an  enlightened  and  pat- 
riotic contemporary  press,  a  distinguished  pillar  of  the 
New  Lights,  remarkedj  in  reference  to  the  habits  of 
General  Harrison's  life  and  the  lowness  of  his  associa- 
tions, that  two  thousand  dollars  a  year,  a  LOG  CABIN, 
and  a  barrel  of  HARD  CIDER  would  induce  him  to  resign 
all  claims  to  the  honors  his  inconsiderate  friends  have 
proffered  him." 

The  same  paper  propounded  a  series  of  interroga- 
tories skillfully  addressed  to  John  Tyler,  inquiring  of 
him — what  number  of  slaves  he  employed  on  his  plan- 
tation, what  was  the  ratio  of  their  increase  in  each 
year,  and  how  many  he  had  disposed  of  at  various  in- 
tervals to  Southern  traders: — which  interrogatories 
were  admirably  drawn  up  in  language  so  equivocal  in 
its  import  as  to  infer,  what  it  did  not  directly  assert, 
an  extensive  traffic  in  a  commodity  which  could  not  but 
excite  great  indignation  against  him  among  the  large 
mass  of  voters  of  all  sides  in  the  North. 

How  beautiful  are  these  evidences  of  the  operation 
of  our  New-Light  philosophy !  What  a  master  in  this 
science  is  the  unrivaled  Eliphalet  Fox  ! 

It  was  soon  discovered  that  our  club  had  fallen  into 
a  slight  mistake  touching  the  Log  Cabin  and  Hard 
Cider,  and  the  charge  of  poverty  brought  against  Gen- 
eral Harrison.  The  audacious  Whigs  had  even  the 
effrontery  to  adopt  the  LOG  CABIN  and  HARD  CIDER 
as  the  emblem  of  their  party,  and  to  ask  the  aid  of 
those  whom  we  had  inconsiderately  derided  for  living 
in  those  humble  cabins  and  using  this  cheap  luxury  of 
cider,  to  make  war  against  our  New-Light  Democracy. 


QUODL1BET.  229 

The  Log  Cabin  instantly  became  the  representative  of 
a  sentiment  and  a  word  of  power;  and,  in  a  perfect 
tornado  of  enthusiasm,  was  raised  in  every  village, 
hamlet,  and  meeting  ground  in  the  land. 

Truly  did  this  sudden  upraising  of  the  emblem 
strike  dismay  into  our  ranks!  Quid  consilii  capiemus? 
was  our  universal  question  in  Quodlibet.  What  should 
we  do?  Recourse  was  had  to  Mr.  Flam.  "Drop," 
said  that  ready-witted  man  in  reply,  "the  charge  of 
poverty  against  Harrison:  say  he  is  rolling  in  wealth. 
'Bring  out  your  Federalism  against  him  with  new  vigor. 
Call  the  Log  Cabin  banner  senseless  mummery — and 
declare  your  disgust  against  it,  as  lowering  the  tone 
of  public  sentiment  and  morals.  If  that  doesn't  do, 
get  some  New-Light  Democratic  preacher  to  say  that 
Hard  Cider  produces  more  intoxication  than  all  the 
liquors  the  Democrats  ever  drank :  let  him  rail  against 
Whig  meetings  as  Hard  Cider  orgies — remember  the 
word; — and  if  we  can  only  identify  the  New-Light 
Democracy  with  Temperance,  its  twin  sister,  we  shall 
produce  an  unheard-of  effect.  Meantime,  ply  the 
Abolition  battery  with  all  possible  diligence — and  vamp 
up  anew  that  old  charge  of  hiring  out  criminals  to  ser- 
vice; but  be  careful  to  make  no  mistake — describe  it 
as  'selling  poor  white  men  into  slavery  for  debt.'  To 
prove  that  Harrison  is  against  slavery  and  at  the  same 
time  in  favor  of  it,  will  be  a -most  happy  stroke  of  our 
New-Light  Quodlibetarian  philosophy.  Don't  fail  to 
do  this  with  all  possible  industry.  Tell  Eliphalet  Fox 
that  the  endeavor  is  worthy  of  his  genius,  and  if  he 
ever  expects  to  become  a  great  man,  now  is  the  oppor- 
tunity presented  to  him." 

20 


230"  QUODLIBET. 

These  counsels  gave  us  great  encouragement,  and  we 
set  ourselves  to  work  in  earnest.  The  New-Light  Club 
was  confined  in  its  operations  to  the  Borough  of  Quod- 
libet. Our  whole  Congressional  district,  including 
Thorough  Blue,  Tumbledown,  and  Bickerbray,  required 
the  supervision  of  a  body  which  might  be  organized  to 
regulate  the  affairs  of  the  canvass  within  that  limit. 
This  gave  rise  to  the  Central  Committee.  A  conven- 
tion was  called  to  meet  in  Quodlibet,  where  every  por- 
tion of  the  district  should  be  represented.  That  con- 
vention resulted  in  the  appointment  of  a  Committee  of 
Twelve  of  the  staunchest  and  most  active  of  the  New 
Lights.  It  was  called  "  The  Grand  Central  Committee 
of  Unflinching^New-Light  Quodlibetarian  Democrats." 
The  name  was  sonorous,  euphonious,  and,  in  a  certain 
sense,  magnificent — but  being  too  long  for  ordinary  use, 
we  reduced  it  for  working  purposes  to  "The  Great 
New-Light  Democratic  Central  Committee  of  Quod- 
libet." Eliphalet  Fox  was  made  President;  and  the 
humble  author  of  these  chronicles,  in  consideration  of 
his  fidelity  in  the  discharge  of  his  duty  to  the  New- 
Light  Club,  was  chosen  to  be  Secretary  also  of  the 
committee — an  honor  which,  with  due  reverence  and 
thankfulness,  he  hath  assumed. 

From  the  date  of  its  organization,  the  committee,  a 
majority  whereof  are  inhabitants  of  Quodlibet,  meet 
once  a  week  with  most  commendable  punctuality,  and, 
as  we  have  reason  to  believe,  with  signal  usefulness  to 
the  glorious  cause  in  which  we  have  embarked.  Zachary 
Younghusband,  who  is  a  member,  gratuitously  and 
generously,  out  of  his  mere  zeal  in  the  cause,  proffered 
the  use  of  his  room  up  stairs  above  the  tin-plate  work- 


QUODLIBET.  231 

shop,  for  our  sessions — an  offer  which  we  were  reluct- 
antly obliged  to  decline,  after  one  trial,  on  account  of 
the  noise  created  by  the  workmen  below.  I  mention 
this  praiseworthy  offer  as  due  to  Zachary,  in  favor  of 
whom  the  committee  passed  a  vote  of  thanks.  "VYe 
found  a  more  quiet  place  of  meeting  in  the  back  room 
of  the  cabinet  store  of  Isaiah  Crape,  the  Undertaker, 
for  which  we  agreed  to  pay  fifty  cents  a  week  and  find 
our  own  lights.  In  this  secluded  spot  much  is  done  to 
shape  and  direct  the  destinies  of  this  Great  Republic. 


232  QUODLIBET. 


CHAPTER  XVIII. 

PROCEEDINGS  OF  THE  GKAND  CENTRAL  COMMITTEE — VINDICATION  OP 
THE  SEVERITY  PRACTICED  AGAINST  GENERAL  HARRISON — TACTICS 

OF  THE  NEW  LIGHTS ABOLITIONISM — SELLING  WHITE  MEN  FOR  DEBT 

HARRISON  A  COWARD CONSIDERATIONS  WHICH  LED   TO   THE 

NAMING  OF  THE  OPPOSITION  BRITISH  WHIGS STRATAGEM  AGAINST 

HARRISON,  AND  THE  CLAMOR  AGAINST  HIM  FOR  NOT  ANSWERING 

HOPE  OF  THE  NEW  LIGHTS  CONFIRMED  BY  THE  CONNECTICUT, 
RHODE  ISLAND,  AJfD  VIRGINIA  ELECTIONS— BALTIMORE  CONVEN- 
TION A  FAILURE IMPORTANT  LETTER  FROM  MR.  FLAM AMOS 

KENDALL'S    PURPOSE   TO  RESIGN  —  EXCITEMENT  OF  COMPOSITION 

PRESCRIBED  BY  HIS  PHYSICIAN CENTRAL   COMMITTEE   SANCTION 

THE  COMPILATION  OF  THESE  ANNALS. 

THE  Grand  Central  Committee  having  been  thus 
happily  organized,  devoted  itself  with  exemplary  dili- 
gence to  the  important  concerns  of  the  Presidential 
election,  which,  from  this  time  forth,  became  the  en- 
grossing subject  of  all  men's  thoughts.  A  volume 
would  not  suffice  to  develop  the  multifarious  labors  of 
the  committee.  I  could  not  in  less  space  recount  the 
resolutions,  with  long  argumentative  preambles,  linking 
by  means  of  Whereases,  like  rings,  whole  newspaper 
loads  of  facts,  invented  for  the  purpose; — the  addresses, 
the  speeches  copied  from  the  Globe,  and  extracts  from 
private  letters — to  say  nothing  of  the  paragraphs,  the 
sole  offspring  of  editorial  brains,  and  all  the  other 
machinery  employed  by  the  committee  to  defame,  tra- 
duce, and  vilify  General  Harrison,  for  the  unpardon- 


QUODLIBET.  233 

able  sin  of  being  thought  by  the  Whigs  a  fit  man  to 
preside  over  this  vast  Republic.  It  was  our  duty  to 
render,  if  possible,  his  very  name  offensive  in  the  nos- 
trils of  the  people.  In  this  endeavor  it  may  easily  be 
imagined  that  we  found  abundance  to  do  in  rummaging 
up  old  scraps  of  history,  the  falsification  of  public 
records,  the  oblique  interpretation  of  equivocal  laws, 
and  in  practicing  all  the  other  customary  arts  of  war- 
fare known  to  the  New-Light  tactics. 

Admirable  is  that  wisdom  of  the  New  Democracy 
which  has  provided  such  an  ordeal  of  punishment  for 
the  man  who,  in  opposition  to  their  wishes,  dares  to 
make  claim  to  the  favor  of  the  people.  What  better 
chastisement  can  be  inflicted  upon  such  rash  aspirant, 
than  this  preliminary  gauntlet  which  it  is  ordained  for 
him  to  run  before  he  can  be  made  sensible  of  the  in- 
solence of  his  pretensions  ?  Thrice  tormented  is  it  his 
lot  to  be,  in  the  fiery  furnace  of  hatred,  malice,  and  all 
uncharitableness,  before  he  shall  see  the  end  of  his  vain 
probation.  As  certain  tribes  of  Indians  have  a  custom 
of  torturing,  to  the  verge  of  stoutest  human  endurance, 
the  candidate  for  the  honor  of  being  accounted  a  Brave ; 
so  in  imitation  of  this  commendable  usage  did  we  de- 
termine, in  no  less  degree,  to  torture  the  man  whom  the 
hardihood  of  the  Whigs  had  placed  before  the  nation 
for  the  like  empty  and  unavailing  honor. 

It  did  truly  seem  to  the  New  Lights  no  small  inso- 
lence of  those  men  who  call  themselves  Whigs,  to  pro- 
pose any  individual  for  the  Presidency,  while  the 
people  were  already  favored  with  a  chief  whose  whole 
life  was  lustrous  with  the  radiance  of  the  Quodlibeta- 
rian  Democracy.  The  very  idea  of  a  New  Light  pre- 
20* 


234  QUODLIBET. 

supposes  an  innate,  inherent,  and  intuitive  fitness  to 
fill  any  station  of  any  kind  or  degree  whatever;  and 
here  was  one  distinguished  as  the  very  fountain  of  New- 
Light  principles  already  at  the  head  of  the  nation,  dis- 
pensing the  favors  and  wielding  the  power  of  his  great 
office  to  the  supreme  content  of  all  Quodlibetarians 
— the  only  persons  in  this  Republic  whose  interests 
deserve  to  be  held  of  any  account  in  the  concerns  of 
government.  Nothing  but  the  rankest  faction  could 
originate  an  opposition  to  his  beneficent  administration. 
Acting  upon  this  conviction,  the  Central  Committee 
certainly  did  not  spare  General  Harrison. 

It  was,  however,  soon  perceived  that  the  General 
was  a  little  stronger  with  the  people  than  we  supposed 
him  to  be;  and  sundry  were  the  changes  to  which  we 
were  consequently  obliged  to  resort  in  our  mode  of  at- 
tack. The  abolitionism  we  never  lost  sight  of:  the 
selling  of  white  men  into  slavery  for  debt  was  also  a 
steady  topic;  and  some  of  the  more  ingenious  of  the 
committee  fell  upon  the  device  of  proving  the  old  Gen- 
eral a  coward:  but  our  great  effort  was  to  convert  him 
and  all  his  friends  into  old  Blue-Light  Federalists. 
This  was  always  considered  our  master-stroke;  and  I 
may  appeal  to  all  the  New-Light  papers  of  this  day  for 
evidence,  that  in  that  department  of  our  labors  we  plied 
our  task  with  an  industry  that  has  never  been  surpassed. 
The  Jersey  election,  also,  we  turned  to  great  account  in 
Congress,  and  certainly  blew  our  trumpet  on  that  ques- 
tion both  loud  and  long.  It  was  a  noble  illustration  of 
our  zeal  for  State  Rights,  which  all  the  world  knows  is 
one  of  the  favorite  articles  in  our  present  faith.  With 
an  eye  to  this  same  question  of  State  Rights,  we  sue- 


QUODLIBET.  235 

ceeded  in  getting  up  a  tolerable  good  commotion  in 
Congress  on  the  subject  of  State  debts ;  holding  it  our 
duty,  as  friends  of  the  sovereignty  of  the  States,  to  do 
all  in  our  power  to  break  down  their  credit,  and  to 
warn  the  world  against  placing  any  confidence  in  their 
pledges — although,  upon  this  subject,  I  am  bound  to 
confess  that  our  success  has  not  answered  our  expecta- 
tions. 

There  was  one  movement  upon  which  our  committee 
placed  great  reliance.  Mr.  Van  Buren,  and  indeed  the 
whole  New-Light  Democracy,  had  so  often  changed 
their  course  upon  public  measures,  as  I  have  already 
shown,  that  the  nation  had  been  by  degrees  brought 
into  a  belief  that  every  public  man  was,  of  necessity, 
and  from  the  very  nature  of  his  organization,  bound  to 
certify,  at  least  once  a  year,  the  state  of  his  principles 
and  the  character  of  his  opinions  on  all  questions  of 
policy  whatever.  Now  Mr.  Van  Buren,  in  1836,  came 
to  the  Presidency  upon  a  very  summary,  and  to  him- 
self, very  comfortable  profession  of  faith.  All  that  he 
professed  at  that  time  was  to  follow  in  the  footsteps — 
which  said  footsteps  had  scope  and  variation  enough 
to  allow  him  to  take  any  path  he  thought  proper. 
General  Harrison,  in  that  contest  of  1836,  did  not 
enjoy  this  advantage,  but  was  compelled  to  be  some- 
what specific  in  the  indication  of  the  grounds  upon 
which  his  election  claimed  to  be  based.  He  had, 
consequently,  not  only  been  very  full  in  this  exposition, 
but  had  likewise  referred  his  interrogators  to  a  vast 
amount  of  written  and  printed  opinions,  which  on 
divers  occasions,  in  the  course  of  his  public  career,  he 
had  found  reason  to  express. 


236  QUODLIBET. 

In  the  present  canvass  it  was  determined  by  our  com- 
mittee, and  in  fact  by  our  New-Light  friends  in  general, 
that  he  should  reiterate  afresh  everything  he  had  ever 
said  or  written  on  public  matters,  and  that  we  should, 
by  no  means,  be  content  with  mere  references,  to  past 
declarations.  Indeed,  it  seemed  to  our  New-Light 
Democracy  that,  inasmuch  as  our  President  kept  no 
opinions  more  than  three  years  old,  at  the  outside,  it 
was  impossible  that  General  Harrison  could  be  so  anti- 
quated as  to  stick  to  his  for  a  longer  term.  Confiding 
in  this  impression,  plans  were  laid  by  the  New  Lights 
to  write  letters  to  the  General  in  the  guise  of  friends, 
and  in  case  he  should  refer  the  querists  to  his  former 
expositions,  without  full  and  ample  repetition  of  all  he 
had  said  before,  to  bring  a  whirlwind  of  indignant 
reproof  about  his  ears  as  a  man  who  was  afraid  to  trust 
the  public  with  his  sentiments.  This  stratagem  suc- 
ceeded beyond  the  most  sanguine  expectation  of  the 
New  Lights.  The  General  was  caught  in  the  trap; 
and  such  a  clamor  as  was  raised  has  never  before  been 
known  in  any  part  of  the  world. 

"He  won't  answer  questions!"  exclaimed  the  Globe. 
"Gracious  Heaven!  what  an  insult  to  the  intelligence 
of  a  nation  of  vigilant,  truth-seeking,  anxiously-in- 
quiring freemen!  A  silent  candidate!  What  con- 
tumely to  the  people !  What  contempt  of  the  funda- 
mental principles  of  free  government!" 

"Gracious  Heaven!  what  contempt  of  the  people!" 
re-echoed  the  Quodlibet  Whole  Team. 

"Gracious  Heaven!  what  contumely!"  shouted  the 
Bickerbray  Scrutinizer. 

"Gracious  Heaven!"  etc.  etc.,  ejaculated  two  thou- 


QUODLIBET.  237 

sand  patriotic,  disciplined,  footstep-following  papers  of 
all  dimensions,  from  six  by  twelve  to  three  feet  square, 
from  one  end  of  the  Union  to  the  other.  Never  was 
there  such  a  Gracious  Heavening  carried  on  in  this 
country ! 

In  the  midst  of  all  this  successively  came  on  the 
Connecticut,  Rhode  Island,  and  Virginia  elections.  The 
results  everybody  knows.  Although  ostensibly  and  to 
outward  appearance  against  us,  we  saw  in  them  what 
our  infatuated  opponents  could  not  see,  the  certain 
token  of  our  success.  It  was  evident  to  us,  from  the 
returns  of  these  elections,  that  a  great  reaction  must 
occur ;  and  Mr.  Doubleday  now  very  sagely  remarked, 
"that  there  was  no  longer  room  to  doubt  that  we 
should  beat  the  Whigs  in  the  fall."  But  the  Whigs, 
instead  of  desponding  at  these  events,  began  to  take 
heart,  and  straightway  set  about  getting  up  a  Conven- 
tion in  Baltimore.  Well,  that  convention  was  held  on 
the  Fourth  of  May.  I  was  present,  and  I  pronounce 
it  to  have  been  a  thorough  failure.  The  Whigs  have 
represented  that  at  least  twenty  thousand  persons 
were  assembled  on  that  occasion.  According  to  the 
accurate  system  of  computation  adopted  by  the  New 
Lights,  and  which  is  infallible  in  regard  to  the  numbers 
attending  Whig  meetings,  the  whole  assemblage,  in- 
cluding boys  and  blacks,  did  not  quite  reach  two 
thousand,  and  of  those  a  large  number  were  New 
Lights. 

Still  it  is  due  to  truth  that  I  should  say  there  were 
some  timid  men  in  our  committee  who  were  not  alto- 
gether satisfied  with  the  appearances  of  the  day.  We 
found  it  difficult  to  make  them  comprehend  how  the 


238  QUODLIBET. 

late  elections  had  operated  in  our  favor.  Yet  it  is  a 
fact  that  we  never  were  thoroughly  convinced  of  the 
certainty  of  our  success  until  we  saw  the  returns  in 
these  elections.  Connecticut  and  Rhode  Island  we  had 
before  considered  douhtful :  we  now  had  no  doubt.  And 
as  to  Virginia,  we  became  at  once  fully  persuaded  that 
our  success  there  was  actually  "brilliant:" — such  is  the 
beautiful  operation  of  the  New-Light  philosophy  in 
bringing  consolation  to  its  votaries  under  apparent  dis- 
aster, and  suggesting  encouragement  where  others 
would  despond. 

Yet  it  must  not  be  concealed  that  these  incidents 
produced  some  slight  sensation  in  our  committee.  Mr. 
Flam  wrote  from  Washington  a  letter  of  grave  reflec- 
tion. "Although,"  said  he,  "our  success  in  Virginia 
has  transcended  our  expectations,  yet  we  are  not  quite 
certain  that  our  abolition  battery  has  been  altogether 
very  effective.  Indeed,  it  is  questioned  here  whether 
it  would  not  be  as  well  to  abandon  it,  and  even  point 
the  guns  in  the  opposite  direction.  Martin  has  room 
enough  yet  to  turn — and,  as  it  is  rather  manifest  that 
Virginia  considers  our  charge  of  abolitionism  against 
Harrison  a  humbug,  and  as  the  whole  South  will 
probably  fall  into  the  same  opinion,  (in  which,  in  my 
judgment,  they  would  not  be  very  far  wrong,)  the 
propriety  of  taking  the  opposite  ground  is  well  worthy 
of  consideration.  Van's  affinities  are  with  the  North; 
so  that  if  it  can  be  made  clearly  to  appear  to  be  his 
interest  to  take  this  backward  leap,  his  Southern  prin- 
ciples are  not  yet  more  than  cobwebs  in  his  way.  We 
must  think  of  this.  In  the  mean  time,  it  is  the  desire 
of  the  President  and  his  managing  friends  here  that 


QUODLIBET.  239 

you  not  only  continue  to  brand  the  opposition  as 
Federalists,  but  call  them  BRITISH  WHIGS.  This  is 
rendered  necessary  by  the  fact  that  the  opposition  have 
just  discovered  that  Van  Bur  en  voted  against  Madison 
and  the  War,  and  supported  Clinton  and  the  Peace 
party.  By  anticipating  the  ground  and  charging  the 
Whigs  as  under  British  influence,  we  shall  take  off  the 
edge  of  this  assault,  and  avoid  the  effect  of  another 
reminiscence  against  the  President — I  mean  his  in- 
structions to  M'Lane,  on  the  West  India  Question, 
•which  the  Whigs  impute  to  him  as  a  truckling  to  Great 
Britain.  Besides  this,  you  know,  Martin  has  been 
very  assiduous  of  late  in  courting  the  good  opinion  of 
Victoria — so,  by  all  means,  drive  at  THE  BRITISH 
WHIGS  !  Keep  your  eye  upon  Amos  Kendall,  who  has 
consented  to  act  as  fugleman.  His  health  is  so  much 
shattered  by  the  diseases  of  the  Post-office,  that  he 
is  compelled  to  retire;  and  as  his  physician  prescribes 
'the  excitement  of  composition'  as  his  only  cure,  he 
is  about  to  devote  himself  to  the  Extra  Globe,  in  which 
sheet  he  will  be  able  to  indulge  his  imagination  in  the 
creation  of  those  chaste  and  prurient  fancies  for  which 
he  has  been  remarkable  from  a  child.  The  pure  and 
simple  inventions  of  that  paper  are  ass's  milk  to  his 
wasted  constitution." 

Thus  admonished,  our  Central  Committee  pro- 
ceeded in  their  labors  with  the  most  spirited  activity; 
and  it  was  not  long  before  the  whole  Union  was 
ringing  with  our  charge  against  the  British  Whigs. 

It  was  at  this  juncture  that  I  suggested  to  the 
committee  the  propriety  of  making  this  compilation 


240  QUODLIBET. 

of  the  Annals  of  Quodlibet.  I  explained  to*  them  how 
important  it  was  that  the  world  should  be  made  ac- 
quainted with  the  history  and  character  of  that  New- 
Light  philosophy  which  had  worked  such  wonders  in 
our  Borough.  It  was  very  obvious  that  even  our 
friends  were  not  fully  aware  of  the  height  and  the 
depth  of  this  sublime  theory,  nor  of  its  extreme 
efficacy  in  the  administration  of  the  government. 
It  had  taken  the  world  by  surprise,  and  had  grown 
up,  in  a  few  years,  into  a  system  which  no  naturalist 
had  yet  defined;  and  had  assumed  an  importance 
in  the  affairs  of  this  country  which  few  persons  were 
able  fully  to  appreciate.  Impressed  with  this  con- 
viction, I  disclosed  to  the  committee  the  purpose 
which,  for  some  time  past,  I  had  secretly  cherished, 
of  collating  from  my  manuscripts  all  such  particulars 
in  the  history  of  Quodlibet  as  might  serve  to  elucidate 
this  subject.  The  committee  knew  that  my  materials 
were  ample;  and  they  had  more  than  once  been 
pleased  to  express  their  admiration  of  those  poor 
talents  which  I  had  oftentimes  exhibited  in  the  effu- 
sions of  my  humble  pen.  The  subject  was  now 
brought  up  to  the  notice  of  the  committee  on  the 
motion  of  my  friend,  Mr.  Younghusband,  in  a  reso- 
lution too  laudatory  for  my  modesty  to  insert  in  this 
book.  Readily  and  cheerfully  did  the  committee 
condescend  to  assign  this  task  to  my  endeavors; — 
confiding  the  matter  and  the  manner  thereof  to  my 
sole  discretion,  with  the  single  injunction  that  I  should 
abstain  from  all  such  incidents  of  mere  personal  or 
private  concernment,  as  might  by  captious  or  in- 


QUODLIBET.  241 

vidious  critics  be  designated  as  savoring  of  romance. 
Faithfully,  as  in  my  judgment,  I  could,  have  I  obeyed 
this  injunction ;  and  with  the  frankness  and  veracity 
of  one  who  chronicles  for  posterity  rather  than  the 
present  times,  have  I  set  forth  all  such  matters  of  fact 
and  comments  of  opinion  as  shall  guide  my  readers  to 
a  true  knowledge  of  the  doctrine  of  the  New-Light 
Quodlibetarian  philosophy. 


242  QUODLIBET. 


CHAPTER  XIX. 

DESERVED     COMPLIMENT     ON     MR.    VAN     BUREN'S     EXPLOIT      OF      THE 

FLORIDA   WAR THE    AFFAIR    OF    THE    TRUE    GRITS    AND    SERGEANT 

TRAP — TRUE  GRITS  SUFFER  A  DEFEAT  —  FLAN  SUCKER'S  OPINION 
UPON  THE  SUBJECT HIS  ACCOUNT  OF  AN  ACTION  AT  LAW  BE- 
TWEEN JOE  SNARE  AND  IK.E  SWINGLETREE. 

JUST  at  this  period  the  True  Grits  once  more  hegan 
to  give  themselves  airs  of  importance  in  Quodlibet. 
The  Tigertail  affair  had  stunned  them,  as  a  blow  some- 
times torpifies  a  snake ;  and  like  that  same  snake, 
which  after  a  long  period  of  consequent  inactivity 
wakes  up  in  the  possession  of  new  powers  of  mischief, 
so  woke  up  the  True  Grits. 

The  Florida  war,  which  has  been  raging  on  the  part 
of  the  Indians,  and  simmering  on  our  part,  for  nearly 
five  years  past,  is  undoubtedly  the  greatest  of  all  Mr. 
Van  Buren's  exploits,  and  that  which  will  be  longest 
remembered  in  the  history  of  this  energetic  President 
by  posterity.  It  has  developed  the  genius  of  our  New- 
Light  Democratic  administration  in  stronger  colors, 
and  speaks  more  conclusively  in  favor  of  the  perse- 
verance and  resource  of  our  Great  Chief,  than  any 
other  of  the  numerous  brilliant  acts  whereby  he  has 
illustrated  the  principles  of  that  unterrified  and  un- 
flinching Democracy,  to  whom  fortune  and  General 
Jackson  in  partnership,  have  intrusted  the  destinies 


QUODLIBET.  243 

of  this  Republic.  That  war  was  not  only  the  most 
righteous  and  unavoidable  in  its  origin,  but  it  has  also 
been  the  most  chivalrous  in  its  character,  the  most 
economical  in  its  management,  and  is  likely  to  be  the 
most  productive  in  its  results — if  it  should  ever  please 
Bill  Jumper,  or  Sam  Jones,  or  Micanopy,  or -their 
heirs  and  representatives,  to  allow  it  to  come  to  a  con- 
clusion— that  has  ever  been  waged  between  two  great 
nations;  and  will  unquestionably  cover  our  Commander- 
in-chief  of  the  army  and  navy  of  the  United  States 
with  as  thick  a  coat  of  glory  as  it  has  already  covered 
the  bravest  and  keenest-nosed  of  our  bloodhounds  with 
a  coat  of  mud: — and  that  is,  perhaps,  about  as  thick  a 
covering  as  a  hero  of  the  President's  mould  might  be 
supposed  able  to  stagger  under,  in  that  long  journey 
of  fame  by  which  he  is  to  march  down  to  after-times. 

Among  other  vigorous  measures  taken  in  the  prose- 
cution of  this  stupendous  war,  was  one  that  produced 
no  small  sensation  in  Quodlibet.  A  tall,  raw-boned, 
slender,  and  very  straight  figure  of  a  man,  of  a  singu- 
larly red  head  and  remarkably  freckled  face — the  said 
figure  being  decked  in  a  suit  of  army  regimentals 
highly  bedizened  with  worsted  lace  and  cord,  begirt 
with  a  huge  saber,  and  wearing  a  plume  three  feet  long 
— made  its  appearance  recently  in  the  Borough.  This 
personage  rejoiced  in  the  name  and  title  of  Sergeant 
Trap.  He  was  accompanied  by  a  drummer  four  feet 
six  inches  high,  of  a  remarkably  fierce  military  aspect; 
and  by  a  fifer  six  feet  four,  quite  as  remarkable  for  the 
length  of  his  arms  and  legs,  and  the  shortness  of  his 
sleeves  and  pantaloons — both  inferring,  from  their 
general  effect  upon  his  exterior,  a  rustical  and  imbel- 


244  QUODLIBET. 

licose  mode  of  life  which  reluctantly  accommodated 
itself  to  the  military  requisitions  of  his  station. 

The  Sergeant  and  drummer  were  strangers  to  our 
folks;  but  the  fifer  was  no  other  than  Charley  Moggs, 
long  known  as  the  boss  loafer  of  Bickerbray,  and  who 
was  famed  for  a  single  accomplishment — the  perfection 
with  which  he  executed,  upon  an  octave  flute,  that 
difficult  but  favorite  piece  of  music  which  goes  by  the 
name  of  "Sugar  in  a  Gourd;"  which  accomplishment 
was  the  foundation  of  his  present  astonishing  promo- 
tion under  Sergeant  Trap,  who  had  come  to  Quodlibet, 
in  pursuance  of  orders  from  Mr.  Poinsett,  to  pick  up  as 
many  spare  heroes  for  the  Florida  war,  as  might  be 
found  in  our*  environs,  willing  to  dog  the  Indians  in 
company  with  our  gallant  blood-hound  allies  lately 
arrived  from  Cuba. 

The  Sergeant  took  a  small  frame  house  next  door  to 
Sim  Travers's  Refectory — or  rather,  as  Sim  called  it, 
his  Drinkery.  Here  he  hung  out  the  stars  and  stripes, 
by  a  pole  which  was  secured  in  the  second  story  win- 
dow, and  from  which  the  flag  vibrated  in  graceful  un- 
dulations, almost  sweeping  the  street  when  the  wind 
lulled,  and  filling  the  hearts  of  Sim  Travers's  customers 
with  emotions  of  martial  glory. 

Now,  Sergeant  Trap  had  not  the  good  fortune  to  be 
a  New  Light ;  but,  on  the  contrary,  had  the  misfortune 
to  be  perfectly  neutral  in  politics — and,  coupled  with 
that,  the  additional  misfortune  to  be  sometimes  in  want 
of  money.  In  the  course  of  some  two  or  three  weeks 
residence  in  the  Borough,  he  had  contracted  a  sort  of 
intimacy  with  Peter  Ounce,  the  landlord'  of  The  Boat- 
man's Hotel  at  the  upper  end,  and  on  the  opposite 


QUODLIBET.  245 

side  of  the  Basin.  This  intimacy  mainly  grew  out  of 
the  circumstance  that  Ounce's  hotel  furnished  very 
pleasant  quarters  to  the  Sergeant,  and  had  also  con- 
tributed some  five  or  six  recruits  to  his  standard.  Peter 
Ounce,  although  a  Whig,  is  a  kind-hearted,  sociable 
man,  and  disposed  to  make  friendships  with  those  about 
him ;  and  the  Sergeant  having  run  up  a  score  at  the 
bar,  fell  into  the  relation  of  a  debtor  to  Peter,  which 
it  was  not  always  convenient  for  him,  at  a  moment,  fo 
obliterate.  Besides  this,  Sergeant  Trap  had,  once  or 
twice,  borrowed  small  sums  from  the  landlord,  and  re- 
ceived from  him  sundry  manifestations  of  good-will, 
which  laid  him,  in  a  certain  sense,  under  obligations  to 
Peter.  The  result  of  it  all  was,  that  the  Sergeant  took 
a  great  liking  to  his  landlord — and,  following  the  sug- 
gestions of  that  feeling,  rather  encouraged  his  men, 
when  they  had  a  little  money  to  spend  in  slaking  their 
thirst,  to  throw  it  jn  the  way  of  Ounce. 

This  state  of  things  existed  for  some  time  before  it 
was  brought  into  public  observation.  Ounce's  liquors 
were  good  and  cheap,  the  company  about  his  hotel  was 
jovial,  and  Peter  himself  obliging — in  consequence  of 
all  which  Sergeant  Trap's  men  went  as  often  to  the 
Boatman's  Hotel  as  they  did  to  Sim  Travers's  Drinkery, 
which  was  next  door  to  the  rendezvous.  Sim  Travers, 
who  always  kept  a  sharp  eye  to  his  business,  was  the 
first  to  notice  the  visits  of  Trap's  men  to  his  rival's 
bar,  and  for  some  time  he  bore  it  with  a  sulky  and 
uneasy  silence.  After  awhile,  sundry  inarticulate 
murmurs  escaped  him  denoting  vexation ;  and  at  length 
he  openly  began  to  shake  his  head  and  talk  about  the 
duty  of  soldiers  and  officers  in  the  employ  of  the  Gov- 
21* 


246  QUODLIBET. 

eminent.  "We  work  for  the  Government,"  said  he, 
"  and  the  Government  ought  to  work  for  us.  If  public 
money  is  to  be  laid  out,  them  that  goes  through  fire 
and  water  has  the  best  claim.  These  Whigs  are  ready 
enough  to  touch  the  cash  when  there's  profit  to  be  got; 
while  them  that  sticks  by  Government  in  all  their 
eternal  choppings  and  changings  is  to  be  lookers-on. 
To  the  Wicters  belongs  the  Spiles ;  if  that  ain't  a 
motter,  what's  the  use  of  having  it  ?  Go  it  full,  or  give 
it  up — that's  what  I  say." 

Sim  continued  to  repeat  these  sentiments  for  some 
time,  without  seeing  things  alter  for  the  better.  Peter 
Ounce  still  continued  to  divide  the  profits  of  the  rendez- 
vous with  him.  At  last  Sim  became  violent.  "  I'll 
make  it  a  committee  matter,"  said  he.  Thereupon  he 
went  immediately  to  Eliphalet  Fox,  and  opened  to  him 
his  whole  burden  of  grievances.  "  I'll  fix  it,"  replied 
Fox,  very  much  in  the  tone  of  a  man  of  business;  and 
Sim  went  home  in  excellent  spirits. 

The  next  Whole  Hog  had  a  paragraph  touching  this 
subject.  "If,"  said  that  paper,  "there  be  one  prin- 
ciple which  has  been  more  sacredly  established  than 
any  other  by  that  great  revolution  through  which  we 
have  just  conducted  the  nation,  in  redeeming  it  from 
the  oppressions  of  Monopolists  and  Privileged  orders, 
it  is  the  deep  and  fundamental  truth  that,  To  those  who 
have  won  the  victory  belong  its  fruits.  The  Democ- 
racy have  an  unalienable  and  indefeasible  right  to  all 
emoluments,  issues,  and  profits  accruing  from  the  ex- 
penditures of  the  public  money.  And,  moreover,  if 
there  be  any  class  of  persons  who  emphatically  belong 
to  the  Government,  it  is  the  men  who  are  enlisted  foi 


QUODLIBET.  247 

the  Florida  war.  Few  of  them  are  destined  ever  to 
return  again  to  the  character  of  citizens :  their  lives 
are  undoubtedly  the  property  of  the  administration,  as 
every  man  must  see  who  reflects  upon  the  history  of 
that  war.  And  if  their  lives  are  thus  devoted  to  the 
cause  of  the  administration,  much  more,  may  it  be  said, 
are  their  little  gains  to  be  employed  in  the  same  cause. 
Notwithstanding  this  self-evident  truth,  we  know  of 
men  now  in  this  Borough,  wearing  the  livery  of  the 
Government,  who  do  not  scruple  to  enrich  the  coffers 
of  the  British  Whigs  with  the  money  lavished  upon 
them  by  the  bounty  of  the  Government,  and  which  has 
been  wrung  from  the  sweat  of  the  poor  man's  brow. 
We  trust  we  shall  be  understood,  without  being  more 
explicit.  If  this  abuse  continue  after  this  hint,  we 
shall  act  in  a  more  efficient  form: — a  word  to  the 
wise." 

Notwithstanding  this  very  significant  paragraph,  and 
the  fact  that  the  paper  containing  it  was  sent  to  the 
rendezvous,  and  even  addressed  to  Sergeant  Trap  by 
name,  the  practice  complained  of  was  in  no  degree 
corrected.  On  the  contrary,  as  if  from  sheer  per- 
verseness  and  contumacy,  the  evil,  if  anything,  was 
rather  increased.  Eliphalet  Fox  waited  a  few  days  to 
see  how  his  paragraph  worked.  Sim  Travers  came  to 
him  with  a  face  now  much  more  in  anger  than  in  grief. 
"  It  doesn't  work  at  all,"  said  Eliphalet,  adverting  to 
his  paragraph,  and  anticipating  Sim's  complaint. 
"Never  mind,  my  friend,"  continued  he,  "this  is  my 
quarrel.  Go  home :  leave  all  to  me !" 

Sim  went  home,  confident  that  he  should  have  ample 
redress.  "If  I  don't  get  it,"  said  he,  as  he  walked 


248  QUODLIBET. 

toward  the  Drinkery,  ruminating  over  his  wrongs, 
"  blow  me  if  I  don't  quit  the  party.  I'm  not  one  of 
them  fools  to  go  thorough-stitch,  and  get  nothing  for 
it — blow  me!" 

"  I'll  see  justice  done  to  Sim  Travers,"  said  Eli- 
phalet  Fox,  with  an  atrabilious  look,  when  he  was  left 
alone,  "or  die  in  the  attempt — blast  me!"  , 

After  this  blowing  and  blasting,  Sim  went  about  the 
Borough  telling  every  man  of  the  persecution  he  was 
suffering  from  the  Whigs;  and  Eliphalet  Fox  went 
about  to  get  up  the  old  Tigertail  Convention  and  bring 
the  matter  before  them. 

The  next  evening  the  convention  met,  and  a  Secret 
Committee  was  raised  with  instructions  to  write  a 
lettre  de  cachet  to  the  President,  explaining  the  flagi- 
tious conduct  of  Sergeant  Trap,  and  demanding  his 
immediate  dismissal  from  the  army.  This  letter  was 
written  by  Eliphalet  Fox,  and  was  signed  by  him  and 
"William  Goodlack,  besides  Sim  Travers  and  Thomas 
Crop  the  constable,  which  two  latter  made  their  mark 
— these  four  being  the  Secret  Committee.  The  letter 
was  duly  dispatched  to  Washington  to  be  presented  by 
the  Hon.  Middleton  Flam,  who  was  required  by  the 
committee  to  render  this  service,  from  a  suspicion  that 
at  bottom  he  was  not  very  favorable  to  the  True  Grits. 
"Catch  a  weasel  asleep!"  said  our  worthy  representa- 
tive when  this  letter  reached  him.  "Gentlemen,  I'll 
do  your  bidding,  by  all  means."  And  so,  being  wide 
awake,  and  fully  determined  to  give  the  True  Grits  no 
cause  of  complaint  against  him,  he  went  straight  with 
the  lettre  de  cachet  to  the  President.  In  a  few  days  the 
committee  received  a  letter  from  Mr.  Flam,  informing 


QUODLIBET.  249 

them  he  had  done  everything  they  had  demanded: 
that  the  President  had  read  their  confidential  com- 
munication, and  without  hesitation  replied,  that  if 
Sergeant  Trap  had  been  a  civil  officer,  he  would  have 
dismissed  him  without  further  inquiry,  in  deference  to 
the  respectability  of  the  committee; — but  that,  as 
Sergeant  Trap  belonged  to  the  army,  he  found  himself 
reluctantly  compelled  to  proceed  in  a  more-  formal 
manner,  and  that  consequently  he  should  direct  a  Mili- 
tary Court  of  Inquiry  to  take  cognizance  of  the  case : 
that  this  Court  would  sit  in  Quodlibet  where  the  prose- 
cutors were  requested  to  be  ready  to  prove  the  enormi- 
ties alleged  against  Sergeant  Trap. 

"A  Court  of  Inquiry!"  exclaimed  Fox,  with  great 
emotion.  "  Is  the  thing  to  be  made  public  ?  We  are 
deceived,  betrayed: — I  know  by  whom,"  he  added, 
significantly  nodding  his  head. 

"A  Court  of  Inquiry ! — proofs,  and  all  riglar — upon 
oath?"  exclaimed  Sim  Travers. 

"I'm  blest  if  I  go  before  any  court!"  said  Tom  Crop. 

"  By  blazes,  I  won't !"  said  Billy  Goodlack.  "There's 
something  in  this  here  thing — else  why  don't  the  Pres- 
ident go  smack  forward  on  the  letter?" 

"I'm  no  prosecutor,"  said  Eliphalet  Fox. 

"I'm  not  a  persecutor,  nother,"  said  Tom  Crop.  By 
blood!  I  scorn  it." 

"I'm  not  going  to  put  my  hand  on  the  book,  upon 
it,"  said  Sim  Travers.  "If  a  man  can't  lodge  a  com- 
plaint without  being  hauled  into  court,  the  party's 
broke:  a  fig. for  the  money!  who  cares  about  it?" 

"  That's  my  identical  sentiment !"  said  Billy  Good- 
lack.  "By  blazes,  I'm  no  prosecution er!" 


250  QUODLIBET. 

The  committee  was  certainly  thrown  into  great  con- 
sternation. The  cause  of  this  is  said  to  have  been  that 
in  representing  the  case  of  Sergeant  Trap  to  the  Pres- 
ident by  letter,  upon  which  they  expected  an  immediate 
order  dismissing  the  offender  from  service,  they  had 
charged  him  with  a  long  list  of  misdemeanors  against 
the  welfare  of  the  Great  New-Light  Democratic  Party ; 
which  they  knew,  in  the  first  place,  had  no  sort  of 
foundation  in  fact,  and  therefore  might  be  found  ex- 
tremely difficult  of  proof;  and  the  attempt  to  investi- 
gate which,  in  the  second  place,  they  were  aware  might 
bring  the  True  Grits  into  collision  with  each  other  in  a 
manner  not  very  conducive  to  the  harmony  of  the  party. 
They  were,  therefore,  not  a  little  thrown  aback  when 
they  were  apprised  of  the  President's  determination  to 
make  the  charges  a  subject  of  inquiry. 

We  cannot  sufficiently  commend  Mr.  Van  Buren's 
caution  in  this  matter,  and  the  sound  New-Light  Demo- 
cratic view  he  took  of  the  subject.  Here  was  a  grave 
charge  preferred  against  one  of  his  own  servants,  im- 
puting to  him  a  disposition  to  deal  with  Whigs — nay, 
an  actual  dealing  with  them,  when  there  was  a  New 
Light  to  be  found  in  the  same  town  capable  of  furnish- 
ing the  same  commodity.  Doubtless,  upon  this  nefa- 
rious transaction  being  fully  proved,  Mr.  Van  Buren, 
like  a  genuine,  unadulterated  Quod,  as  he  is,  would 
dismiss  the  offender  from  service,  or  even  inflict  on  him 
other  punishment,  if  it  fell  in  his  way.  But  in  so 
serious  a  case  he  was  determined  not  to  be  premature 
in  his  action  :  he  would  not  proceed — unless,  indeed, 
the  offender  had  been  a  civil  officer — upon  such  testi- 
mony as  the  confidential  letter  of  a  committee.  He 


QUODLIBET.  251 

takes  the  only  just  course — (in  this  I  have  reason  to 
believe  he  was  fully  seconded,  perhaps  even  prompted, 
by  our  sagacious  representative,  the  Hon.  Middleton 
Flam) — and  that  is  a  formal,  solemn,  judicial  inquiry 
into  the  conduct  of  Sergeant  Trap,  to  ascertain  whether 
he  really  had  purchased  liquors  to  the  prejudice  of  the 
Great  New-Light  Quodlibetarian  Democratic  Party. 
Truly  have  we  reason,  day  by  day,  to  rejoice  in  a 
President  of  such  magnanimity,  such  justice,  such  in- 
nate republicanism,  and  withal  such  dignity  ! 

The  Court  of  Inquiry  met.  Jt  was  composed  of 
officers  of  high  rank.  After  a  long  and  patient  in- 
vestigation, and  the  most  accurate  ascertainment  of  the 
number  of  gills  of  rum,  whisky,  and  brandy  sold  to 
Trap's  recruits  by  Sim  Travers,  and  by  Peter  Ounce, 
and  a  careful  arithmetical  computation  of  the  value 
thereof  in  money;  and,  after  a  laborious  examination 
into  Sim  Travers's  politics,  as  also  into  those  of  Peter 
Ounce,  the  trial  resulted  in  the  conclusion  that  Sim 
Travers  was  not  so  good  a  New  Light  as  he  professed 
to  be,  (this  was  founded  on  evidence  that  Sim  had  said 
"he  would  leave  the  party  if  he  couldn't  get  his  share 
of  spiles,")  and  that  Peter  Ounce's  politics  were,  in 
fact,  not  known  to  Sergeant  Trap  at  the  time  he  dealt 
with  him :  whereupon  Trap  was  acquitted  of  each  and 
every  charge  brought  against  him;  although  Theodore 
Fog,  the  Counsel  for  the  Secret  Committee,  took  upon 
himself  to  inform  the  Sergeant,  somewhat  authorita- 
tively, that  as  he  was  now  aware  of  the  dangerous 
tendency  of  Ounce's  principles,  the  President  would 
expect  him  to  close  all  accounts  at  the  said  Peter's  bar, 
and  to  be  more  circumspect  the  next  time. 


252  QUODLIBET. 

It  was  generally  admitted,  and  indeed  was  the  com- 
mon talk  of  the  Borough,  that  in  this  notable  trial 
Eliphalet  Fox  dodged,  that  Billy  Goodlack  dodged,  that 
Sim  Travers  dodged,  and  that  Tom  Crop  actually 
skulked.  And  the  general  effect  of  the  whole  was  to 
cut  the  combs  of  the  True  Grits  so  thoroughly,  that  it 
is  believed  they  will  never  rise  again.  Flan  Sucker 
made  a  jest  of  this,  very  much  to  the  annoyance  of  his 
friends — for  Flan  had  taken  a  violent  fancy  to  Sergeant 
Trap,  and  even  at  one  time,  it  was  supposed,  had  an 
idea  of  enlisting.  He  used  to  sit  up  with  the  Sergeant 
of  nights  and  drink  a  good  deal  with  him  through  the 
day,  and  by  this  means  very  naturally  became  quite  a 
crony.  He  therefore  exulted  much  more  than  a  True 
Grit,  it  was  conceived,  ought,  at  the  Sergeant's  tri- 
umphant acquittal.  "Sargeant  Trap,"  said  he,  "  Lo- 
cumsgillied  Liphlet  Fox  ;"  and  as  this  expression 
requires  an  explanation,  he  gave  it,  to  this  effect. 

"  Joe  Snare,  the  bailiff  over  here  in  Tumbledown, 
fotch  a  suit  before  Squire  Honeywell,  agin  Ike  Swin- 
gletree  for  twenty-five  dollars,  on  a  cart  which  Joe  sold 
him.  Joe  drawed  up  a  note  of  hand  for  Ike  to  sign, 
which  Ike  did ;  and  Ike  never  thought  no  more  about 
it.  Joe  kept  askin'  for  his  money,  year  after  year, 
year  after  year,  tell  at  last  he  got  tired,  and  so  fotch 
the  suit.  Ike  found  out  at  the  trial  that  the  Squire 
was  goin'  to  give  judgment  agin  him;  so  what  does  he 
do  but  sashrary  the  case  ! — whereby  the  case  was  tuck 
up  to  the  Court.  Well,  when  they  came  on  to  trial 
there,  Ike  had  a  lawyer  who  found  out  that  the  note 
of  hand  was  more  than  three  years  old,  and  there 
hadn't  been  no  promise  to  pay  in  the  mean  time.  There- 


QUODLIBET.  253 

upon  the  Court  told  Joe  Snare,  if  he  hadn't  nothing  to 
say  agin'  it,  they  must  give  judgment  for  Ike  on  the 
Statute  of  Lamentations.  Is  it  that,  your  honor  ?  said 
Snare — for  Joe  being  bailiff  was  pretty  well  up  to  law, 
and  pled  his  own  cause; — well,  may  it  please  your 
honor,  maybe  the  statue  is  agin  me,  but,  your  honor,  I 
drawed  up  the  note  of  hand  myself,  and  if  you'll  just 
be  so  kind  to  look  in  the  corner  under  the  dog's-ear, 
you'll  see  two  letters  at  the  eend  of  Ike  Swingletree's 
name  tantamount  to  L.  S.,  which,  as  I  understand, 
your  honor,  goes  for  Locumsgilly — whereby  it  takes 
twelve  years,  if  I'm  not  mistaken,  to  kill  the  note  of 
hand,  bekase  that's  a  bond.  The  judge  looked  and 
looked,  and  then  sot  up  a  laugh;  and  Ike  Swingletree 
began  to  turn  a  little  pale.  Joe,  says  the  judge,  you're 
right,  says  he :  that  alters  the  case,  and  you  must  have 
the  judgment.  Joe,  says  he,  you  have  beaten  the 
lawyer  and  his  client  both — you're  a  clever  fellow,  and 
will  get  your  money.  So  Joe  accordingly  got  the 
judgment,  and  came  off  mightily  pleased.  And  when 
he  was  tellin'  me  about  the  matter  next  day,  he  burst 
out  in  a  great  haw-haw,  and  couldn't  hardly  talk  for 
laughing :  Ike  Swingletree,  said  he,  sashraried  me,  but 
I  reckon  I  Locumsgillied  him. 

"Well,  that's  just  what  Sergeant  Trap  has  done  to 
Liphlet  Fox — LOCUMSGILLI£D  him  beautiful." 

22 


254  QUODLIBET. 


CHAPTER  XX. 

THESE    CHROSICLES    DBAW   TO   A   CLOSE THE    SEW    LIGHTS    SOT    DIS- 
PLEASED WITH    ELIPHALET   FOX'S   DISCOMFITTBE PASSAGE  OF  THE 

JSDEPESDEST    TBEASCRY  BILL,  A5D  BEJOICISG   THEBEOS   IS   QCOD- 

LIBET CHASGES ISTEBESTISG  LETTEB  FBOM  THE  DIBBLE  FAMILY 

MB..  FLAM  BETTBS9  TO  QtTODLIBET HIS  VIEWS  OF  THE  CASVA83 

THE  PBESIDEST'S  BELIASCE  os  THE  ISTELLIGESCE  OF  THE  PEOPLE — 

IGSOMIST    ASD    ISSULT  OF   FEDERALISM ELECTIONS  IS  KESTTCKT, 

UDIASA,    ASD    SOBTH    CABOLISA ALABAMA,    MISSOURI,  ASD    1LLI- 

KOIS PBBSIDESTJAL   ELECTIOS COSSTEBSATIOS  OF  THE   QUODS — 

MEETISG  OF  THE  CLCB QUABBEL  OF  THEODOBE  FOG  ASD  HOS.  MID- 

DLETOS    FLAM— DEFECTIOS    OF    FOO    ASD     SC5DBT    TBCE    OBITS— 
SECOSD  SPLIT — GBEAT  UPBOAB  ASD  COSFTTSIOS. 

MY  patient  and  indulgent  reader  will  doubtless  agree 
with  me  that  it  is  time  these  gossiping  chronicles  were 
brought  to  a  close.  Indeed,' I  am  so  near  upon  the 
heels  of  the  day  in  which  I  write,  and  the  printer  so 
near  upon  mine,  that  little  remains  to  be  said.  I  shall 
therefore  dispatch  what  remains  of  my  memoranda 
with  such  speed  as  shall  suit  my  reader's  longing  for 
the  end. 

Although  the  New  Lights  in  general  bore  no  ill-will 
against  that  division  or  faction  which  has  been  distin- 
guished in  these  pages  by  the  name  of  True  Grits, 
yet  I  must  say  we  were  not  wholly  displeased  at  the 
result  of  Serjeant  Trap's  trial.  On  the  contrary,  many 
of  us  chuckled  in  secret  thereat.  Eliphalet  Fox  we 
have  ever  acknowledged  to  be  a  useful  man  and  a 


QUODLIBET.  255 

zealous — and  we  have  not  been  backward  to  award 
him  such  meed  as  he  deserved.  But  it  must  be  told 
that  in  Eliphalet  there  lurks  a  scantling  of  ambition 
to  climb  higher  on  the  ladder  than  our  party  is  yet 
willing  to  afford  to  one  of  his  degree.  And  Eliphalet 
moreover  is  suspected — Heaven  forfend  that  I  should 
do  him  wrong  I — in  regard  to  the  Hon.  Middleton  Flam 
our  representative,  and  those  who  are  not  altogether 
well  disposed  toward,  him,  I  mean  Theodore  Fog's  ad- 
herents, (for  it  is  manifest  Theodore  is  looking  to  a  seat 
in  Congress,)  utrosque  parietes  linere,  as  the  Latin 
proverb  has  it,  which  in  the  vernacular  signifies  to  wear 
two  faces — by  no  means  an  uncommon,  though  a  very 
objectionable  sin  in  political  affairs.  This  may  be  a 
groundless  suspicion,  as  I  would  fain  hope  it  is;  but  it 
is  believed  by  many,  and  therefore  the  more  reason 
was  there  for  some  secret  rejoicing  in  Quodlibet  at 
Eliphalet's  failure  in  the  matter  of  Sim  Travers.  It 
unquestionably  hath  made  our  editor  of  the  Whole 
Hog  more  modest  and  seemly  in  his  behavior  of 
late. 

The  course  of  the  canvass  has  been  growing  every 
day  more  and  more  intensely  interesting  to  our  New 
Lights;  and,  bating  some  few  aberrations  into  which 
we  have  fallen,  daily  gives  us  greater  promise  of  the 
consummation  of  all  our  wishes.  The  passage  of  the 
Independent  Treasury  bill  has  brought  us  fresh  occa- 
sion of  rejoicing  and  confidence.  After  a  long,  and,  as 
Tom  Crop  says,  a  bloody  struggle,  lo !  it  is  at  last  the 
law  of  the  land,  and  all  our  wishes  are  crowned.  "  It 
is,"  as  Mr.  Flam  has  declared,  "the  unmingled,  un- 
aided, spontaneous  result  of  popular  sagacity — spring- 


256  QUODLIBET. 

ing  not  from  executive  dictation,  nor  the  influence  of 
party  discipline,  but  from  the  intuitive  and  instinctive 
wisdom  of  millions  of  freemen  ground  to  the  dust  by 
the  tyrannical  pressure  of  associated  wealth.  It  is  the 
law  of  the  land  in  spite  of  the  groans  of  merchants, 
the  wailings  of  agriculturists,  and  the  murmurs  of  me- 
chanics. It  seals  the  fortune  of  our  great  chief,  and 
proclaims  the  immortal  triumph  of  the  New-Light 
Democracy." 

When  the  tidings  of  this  joyful  event  reached  us  in 
Quodlibet,  our  first  care  was  to  fire  one  hundred  guns; 
the  next  was  to  illuminate  the  Borough,  and  to  bring 
out  all  our  flags  and  lanterns;  after  this  the  New 
Lights  were  called  together  in  the  Court-House,  where 
addresses  were  delivered  by  Agamemnon  Flag  and 
Theodore  Fog — the  latter  of  whom  actually  outdid 
himself  in  an  effort  that  would  have  exalted  the  fame 
of  Patrick  Henry ;  and  to  close  this-  jubilee,  the  Cen- 
tral Committee  passed  a  resolution  declaring  the  bill 
the  Second  Declaration  of  Independence.  For  this 
brilliant  series  of  events  we  have  to  thank  that  sturdy 
devotion  to  State  Rights  which  shone  with  such  con- 
spicuous luster  in  the  annihilation  of  New  Jersey  by 
the  New  Lights,  in  the  House  of  Representatives. 
But  for  that  glorious  stroke  of  policy  the  bill  would 
again  have  been  crushed  by  the  serpent  of  opposition. 
Now  that  we  have  gained  it,  British  Federal  Whiggery 
is  forever  prostrate. 

A  fortnight  after  this  event  brought  us  the  cheering 
tidings  from  Louisiana,  to  which  many  an  anxious  eye 
had  been  turned.  The  elections  there  have  resulted  in 
a  splendid  victory — a  victory,  indeed,  not  indicated  by 


QUODLIBET.  257 

the  polls,  where  the  majority  was  seemingly  increased 
against  us — but  manifested  in  the  spirit  with  which  our 
people  everywhere  received  the  tidings;  Until  this 
spirit  became  manifest,  it  might  be  said  our  hopes  were 
even  wavering ;  but  forthwith  an  unwonted  confidence 
in  our  success  has  spread  abroad.  The  sagacious  Mr. 
Doubleday,  whose  face  may  be  called  the  barometer 
of  our  party,  and  to  whom  we  all  look  for  predictions 
of  the  future,  now  wears  a  countenance  wreathed  in 
smiles,  and  tells  us  that,  from  what  he  knows  of  the 
changeableness  of  that  State,  "we  may  make  ourselves 
altogether  certain  of  the  victory  in  the  fall." 

In  running  over  the  events  of  the  day,  nothing  is 
more  deserving  of  our  animadversion  than  the  osten- 
tatious display,  by  the  British  Federal  Tory  Whigs, 
of  the  changes  among  the  people  against  the  New- 
Light  Democracy; — as  if  here  and  there  the  change 
of  some  recreant  Democrat,  who  is  afraid  to  follow  his 
leader  and  chooses  to  have  opinions  of  his  own,  could 
stay  the  mighty  torrent  of  attachment  to  the  fortunes 
of  our  chief.  We  do  not  deny  these  changes;  but 
rather  rejoice  that  men,  so  little  worthy  of  being  called 
true  Quods,  should  leave  our  standard  to  the  tried 
soldiers  who  have  marched  behind  it  in  all  its  vicissi- 
tudes, and  fought  its  battles  through  the  whole  field 
of  political  experiment.  By  such  only  can  our  glorious 
cause  be  upheld.  But  we  can  recount  changes  as  well 
as  they. 

I  might  select  thousands  from  our  newspapers;  and 
I  forbear  to  do  so  only  because  I  think  if  unworthy  of 
the  good  sense  of  a  Quod  to  parade  the  names  of  con- 
verts to  our  party;  thus  assimilating,  as  it  were,  the 
22* 


258  QUODLIBET. 

people  to  a  flock  of  sheep,  and  expecting  that  more  will 
follow  because  many  have  gone  before. 

There  is,  however,  one  case  which  I  am  sure  I  shall 
be  excused  for  bringing  before  my  reader.  It  is  that 
of  the  Dibble  family  of  Wisconsin.  It  was  brought  to 
the  notice  of  our  Central  Committee  by  Zachary 
Younghusband,  who  came  into  possession  of  the  original 
manuscript  through  a  brother  Postmaster,  Mr.  Straddle, 
who  resides  in  the  neighborhood  of  the  converted  family, 
and  who,  in  fact,  was  the  amanuensis  used  upon  the 
occasion.  Our  committee  thought  this  document  of 
sufficient  importance  to  be  copied  into  the  Whole  Hog ; 
from  whence  it  is  likely  to  be  transferred  into  every 
New-Light  Democratic  paper  of  the  country.  It  cer- 
tainly exhibits  very  conclusive  as  well  as  very  abundant 
reasons  for  change;  and  may  be  said  to  contain  the 
best  epitome  of  the  popular  objections  of  the  New 
Lights  to  the  election  of  General  Harrison  which  has 
yet  appeared  in  print.  An  aged  and  widowed  father 
with  five  sons — all  heretofore  steeped  to  the  lips  in  the 
slough  of  British  Whiggery — have  had  the  independence 
to  rise,  in  the  majesty  of  freemen,  and  boldly  assert 
the  highest  prerogative  of  an  American  citizen — the 
right  of  thinking,  speaking,  and  voting  in  such  manner 
as  a  patriotic,  disinterested  New-Light  Postmaster, 
whose  opinions  are  above  all  suspicion,  might  direct 
them.  The  letter  of  this  never-sufficiently-to-be-ad- 
mired  family  will  speak  for  itself.  I  have  only  to 
remark  that,  in  transcribing  it,  I  have  taken  the 
liberty  to  correct,  what  indeed  I  must  call,  some 
glaring  faults  in  the  orthography- — which  are  to  be 
attributed  solely  to  Mr.  Straddle,  the  Postmaster,  who 


QUODLIBET.  259 

reduced  the  instrument  to  writing,  and  who,  by-the-by, 
let  me  say,  should  be  advised  to  give  more  of  his  atten- 
tion to  the  useful  art  of  spelling — but  in  no  other  point 
altering  word,  syllable,  or  letter. 
It  it  is  somewhat  fancifully  headed 

"GO  IT,  YE  CRIPPLES! 

"This  is  to  give  notice,  that  we  who  have  put  our 
sign-manuals  to  the  foot  thereof,  being  till  now  snorting 
Whigs,  having  heard  our  Postmaster,  Clem  Strad- 
dle, Esq.,  say  that  he  knows  General  Harrison  sold 
five  white  men  as  slaves  off  his  plantation,  and  is  for 
abolition,  and  whipped  four  naked  women  on  their 
bare  backs,  and  is  for  imprisonment  for  debt,  and 
moreover  is  for  making  a  King,  and  goes  for  raising 
the  expenses  of  the  Government  up  to  fifteen  millions, 
and  is  a  coward  and  wears  petticoats,  and  is  kept  in  a 
cage,  and  wants  to  reduce  wages,  and  for  that  purpose 
is  a  going  to  have  a  standing  army  of  two  hundred 
thousand  men,  which  our  free  and  independent  spirits 
won't  bear,  and  wants  to  give  the  public  money,  which 
comes  from  the  sweat  of  our  brows,  and  public  lands, 
to  Sam  Swartout  and  Price,  and  a  gang  of  British 
Whigs,  which  we  consider  against  the  Constitution, 
and  moreover  we  don't  believe  he  won't  answer,  and 
has  got  no  principles  excepting  them  what  he  used  to 
have,  and  is  against  the  Independent  Treasury  which 
was  signed  Fourth  of  July,  whereby  it  is  the  Declara- 
tion of  Independence;  and  the  aforesaid  Clem  Strad- 
dle, Esq.,  which  writeth  this  for  us  and  in  our  names, 
being  against  all  office-holders  which  the  British  Whigs 


260  QUODLIBET. 

is  a  striving  after,  and  tells  us  to  vote  for  Van  Buren, 
we  being  an  affectionate  father  and  five  orphan  children 
without  any  mother,  and  never  had  any  since  infancy, 
make  known  that  in  the  next  Presidential  election  in 
this  Territory,  if  we  had  a  vote,  and  if  not  we  shall 
vote  in  Missouri,  we  goes  against  Tip.  and  Ty.  and  all 
that  disgusting  mummery  of  Log  Cabins,  Hard  Cider, 
Coonskins,  Possums,  and  Gourds,  in  regard  of  their 
lowering  morals,  and  goes  for  Jackson,  Hickory  Poles, 
Whole  Hogs,  and  Van  Buren,  as  witness  our  hands 
and  seals. 

his 

MALACHI  +  DIBBLE,  Parent. 

mark. 

his 

WASHINGTON  +  DIBBLE. 

mark. 

his 

JEFFERSON  +  DIBBLE. 

mark. 

MADISON  DIBBLE. 
FAYETTE  DIBBLE. 

his 

SQUINTUS  CURTIUS  +  DIBBLE. 

mark. 

"Note. — Washington  and  Jefferson  is  voters,  Madi- 
son and  Fayette  is  at  school,  and  signs  for  themselves, 
and  Squintus  Curtius  is  rising  nine." 

This  letter,  it  will  be  admitted  by  all  unprejudiced 
persons,  bears  the  most  expressive  testimony  to  the 
natural  and  unsophisticated  character  of  its  authors; 
and  furnishes  us  gratifying  evidence  that  the  great 
Reform,  which  it  has  been  the  labor  of  our  committee 
to  promote,  has  begun  at  the  right  end,  and  that  the 
result  must  be  the  infallible  and  universal  triumph  of 
New-Light  Democracy  over  the  whole  Union. 


QUODLIBET.  2G1 

Upon  the  adjournment  of  Congress,  late  in  July,  the 
Hon.  Middleton  Flam  returned  to  Quodlibet,  to  infuse 
new  energy  into  our  indefatigable  committee.  Through 
him  we  were  apprised  of  many  matters  of  deep  in- 
terest touching  the  progress  of  the  Campaign,  which 
was  now  growing  amazingly  active.  Being  in  the  con- 
fidence of  the  President  and  Amos  Kendall,  he  could 
tell  us  divers  things  which  were  not  intrusted  to  the 
party  at  large;  and  let  us  into  the  secrets  of  the  little 
and  big  wheels  which  were  at  work  in  Washington  and 
other  places. 

These  communications  were  generally  of  a  character 
to  increase  the  already  sufficient  confidence  of  the 
party  in  the  re-election  of  the  President,  and  still  more, 
if  possible,  endear  him  to  the  multitudinous  friends 
who  expected,  in  that  event,  to  receive  the  long-sought 
and  well-earned  rewards  due  to  their  personal  devotion 
to  his  cause.  Mr.  Flam  had  surveyed  the  whole  field 
of  contest,  and  had  arrived  at  an  accuracy  of  informa- 
tion in  regard  to  the  vote  of  each  State — and,  indeed, 
of  almost  every  county  in  the  Union — that,  to  the 
unstudied  in  such  matters,  would  appear  to  be  mirac- 
ulous— very  little  short  of  the  gift  of  prophecy.  It  is 
astonishing  to  see  what  proficiency  an  old  and  practiced 
politician  arrives  at  in  predicting,  months  beforehand, 
the  precise  majorities  of  the  Democratic  party  over  all 
other  parties,  in  every  election,  and  especially  in  set- 
tling the  result  of  a  Presidential  election.  Our  saga- 
cious member  on  this  occasion  assured  us,  greatly  to 
our  exhilaration,  that  we  should  see,  in  the  Western 
and  Southern  State  elections  which  -were  about  to  take 
place,  a  most  triumphant  vindication  of  the  administra- 


2G2  QUODLIBET. 

tion,  as  well  as  a  most  conclusive  evidence  of  the  hold 
which  the  President  has  gained  upon  the  affections  of 
the  people.  "Indiana,"  he  said,  "is  undoubtedly  with 
us  by  an  overwhelming  majority;  Kentucky  is  re- 
deemed, regenerated,  and  disenthralled,  beyond  a 
shadow  of  doubt — (a  favorite  oratorical  expression  of 
his;)  and  North  Carolina  is  prepared  to  hurl  the 
thunderbolts  of  her  contemptuous  scorn  against  British 
Whiggery,  with  the  red  right  hand  of  an  offended 
Jove.  Depend  upon  what  I  tell  you,  gentlemen.  I 
have  carefully  surveyed  the  field.  I  am  not  accus- 
tomed to  speak  without  knowledge.  I  am  never 
mistaken." 

Assured  and  invigorated  by  these  encouraging  words, 
we  accordingly  wait  with  cheerful  trust  in  the  coming 
event. 

****** 

Some  nervous  New  Lights  affect  to  see  signs  of  alarm 
in  the  unwonted  disquietude  of  the  President.  Rumors 
reach  us  that  he  does  not  sleep  well;  that  he  writes 
many  letters,  slightly  variant  in  sentiment,  to  opposite 
sections  of  the  Union;  that  he  manifests  symptoms 
of  an  over-excited  zeal  to  demonstrate  the  exceedingly 
prosperous  condition  of  the  party.  Besides  this,  the 
Vice-President,  it  is  said,  thinks  it  his  duty  "to  take 
the  stump,"  which  is  considered  rather  an  ominous 
departure  from  "the  usages  of  the  Democratic  party," 
and,  in  fact,  is  looked  upon  as  a  proof  that  our  leaders 
are  growing  a  little  faint-hearted.  But  what  can  be 
more  consistent  with  the  principles  and  professions  of 
the  New-Light  creed?  Have  we  not  exploded  Mr. 
Jefferson's  old  and  unprofitable  notion,  that  the  office- 


QUODLIBET.  263 

holders  ought  not  to  interfere  with  the  freedom  of  the 
elective  franchise?  Is  it  not  a  fundamental  point  in 
our  philosophy  that  the  offices  are  "the  spoils,"  and  that 
the  men  who  hold  them  owe  it  to  themselves  and  their 
posterity  to  fight  for  them  in  every  way  known  to 
Democratic  warfare  ? — How  appropriate  then  is  it  that 
our  highest  and  greatest  officers,  having  the  largest 
stake,  should  be  in  the  very  front  of  the  battle !  Is  it 
not  especially  incumbent  on  the  President,  being  the 
illustrious  head  of  the  unterrified  new  Democracy,  to 
show  a  laudable  anxiety  for  the  issues  of  the  cam- 
paign, to  write  letters  suited  to  every  emergency,  to 
rectify  constitutional  mistakes,  and  to  mystify  every 
unpleasant  fact  that  might  have  a  tendency  to  divide  the 
party  or  discourage  its  hopes  ?  If  he  did  not  diligently 
devote  himself  to  such  work  he  would  not  be  worthy 
of  that  high  place  we  have  assigned  him  in  the  Quod- 
libetarian  school. 

Mr.  Flam,  moreover,  assures  us  that  the  President 
has  a  profound  faith  in  "the  intelligence  and  firmness 
of  the  people,"  and  is  unwearied  in  his  endeavors  to 
make  that  clear  to  the  most  careless  or  indifferent  ob- 
server. Mr.  Flam  himself  urges  it  upon  the  Club  as 
highly  important,  that  we  should  give  great  prominence 
to  this  idea  of  an  absolute  belief  in  the  intelligence  of 
the  people.  He  reminds  us,  that  it  is  a  cardinal  maxim 
in  the  tactics  of  the  New  Lights,  when  a  politician 
or  a  party  is  suspected  of  any  unwholsome  opinion,  to 
repel  the  effect  of  this  suspicion  by  frequent  affirma- 
tion and  repetition  of  words  and  sentiments  which  in 
the  popular  judgment  shall  be  held  to  contradict  it. 

Another    card   in    the    game   our   member   recom- 


264  QUODLIBET. 

mends  on  the  same  august  authority:  that  is,  to  dwell 
persistently  upon  the  Federalism  of  our  opponents,  and 
to  speak  of  it,  on  all  occasions,  as  a  term  of  "ig- 
nominy and  insult,"  by  which,  he  says,  many  virtuous 
and  innocent-minded  Democrats  may  be  beguiled  into 
the  belief  that  none  of  our  chief  and  most  authorita- 
tive leaders  ever  belonged  to  that  venerable  party 
which  once  gloried  in  the  name  of  Federalists. 

These  and  many  other  valuable  suggestions  were  com- 
municated by  our  Honorable  Representative  to  the  Club, 
as  matters  of  moment  in  the  conduct  of  our  affairs. 

It  is  wonderful  to  contemplate  the  influence  of  these 
master-minds  upon  our  Quodlibetarian  friends.  The 
President  scarcely  drops  a  sentiment  from  his  pen  be- 
fore it  becomes  as  it  were  expanded  into  the  common 
air  of  Democracy.  The  Globe  usually  leads  off:  the 
Whole  Hog  follows;  and  upon  their  heels  the  Scruti- 
nizer,  with  all  the  rank  and  file  of  typographs,  brings 
up  a  glorious  chorus  of  repetition  which  leaves  no  hill 
or  valley,  mountain  or  plain  in  the  whole  land  unin- 
structed  in  the  Presidential  utterances.  Thus  is  it, 
even  now,  with  this  tribute  to  the  intelligence  and 
firmness  of  the  peeple,  and  this  stigma  of  ignominy 
and  insult  upon  the  old  Federalists. 

The  Hon.  Middleton  Flam,  Theodore  Fog,  Agamem- 
non Flag,  and  Zachary  Younghusband,  (for  Zachary 
has  turned  orator  of  late,)  and,  without  vaunting,  I 
myself  may  say  that  the  importance  of  the  crisis  has 
even,  on  same  recent  occasions,  placed  me  in  the  same 
category — we  all  give  breath  to  the  same  sentiment  in 
speeches  by  day  and  by  night,  and  "the  same  key- 
note," to  quote  a  studied  and  prepared  figure  of  speech 


QUODLIBET.  2G5 

from  an  admirable  oration  delivered  last  week  by  Aga- 
memnon Flag  in  front  of  the  Iron  Railing — "The 
same  key  note  of  the  Intelligence  of  the  People  rings 
in  the  discourses  of  five  thousand  Orators,  and  jangles 
in  twenty  thousand  resolutions  of  New-Light  Demo- 
cratic Clubs  from  the  St.  Croix  to  the  Sabine;  and 
through  all  the  windings  of  its  devious  way  the  Ig- 
nominy and  the  Insult  of  Federalism  murmur  on  the 
ear  in  inseparable  treble  accompaniment." 

POSTSCRIPT. 

We  have  just  received  in  Quodlibet  the  news  from 
Kentucky,  Indiana,  and  North  Carolina.  We  are  lost 
in  amazement!  Our  cause  is  no  longer  in  doubt. 
Whatever  misgivings  we  may  have  heretofore  enter- 
tained, all  have  vanished.  The  majorities  Mr.  Double- 
day  accounts  for  in  the  most  satisfactory  manner, — 
and  though  ostensibly  on  the  side  of  the  British 
Whigs,  they  have  yet  been  obtained  in  such  a  man- 
ner as  to  render  us  perfectly  certain  of  success  "in 
the  Fall." 

Nim  Porter  offers  an  even  bet  of  one  thousand  dollars 
on  the  result,  and  is  willing  to  increase  it  to  ten. 

SECOND  POSTSCRIPT. 

Alabama,  Illinois,  and  Missouri,  are  in,  at  the  office 
of  the  Whole  Hog.  Eliphalet  Fox  is  stark  mad  with 
delirious  joy.  To  outward  appearance  something  is 
gained  by  the  enemy;  but  Mr.  Doubleday  says  it  is 
altogether  illusory,  and  that,  in  fact,  he  has  never  been 
23 


266  QUODLIBET. 

truly  confident  until  now.  He  repeats  his  assurance, 
that  we  must,  from  the  signs,  inevitably  carry  all  before 
us  "in  the  Fall." 

Nim  Porter  is  willing  to  double  his  bets. 

****** 
****** 

THIRD  POSTSCRIPT. 

Longo  Intervallo. 

The  great  election  is  over.     Harrison  is  elected ! ! ! 

****** 

I  can  write  no  more  at  present.     I  crave  time  to 

compose  myself. 

****** 

TEN  AT  NIGHT. — The  Club  is  in  session.  How  blank, 
dreary,  and  long  visaged ! 

We  all  feel  the  calamity,  but  say  little. 

Mr.  Snuffers  is  terribly  exercised.  He  thinks  the 
catastrophe  is  to  be  attributed  to  that  unhappy  split 
of  the  party  on  the  Iron  Railing: — blames  Theodore 
Fog  for  pressing  that  point  too  hard  on  Ag  Flag  and 
his  friends. 

Theodore  Fog  is  greatly  exasperated  at  this  remark, 
and  threatens  to  make  a  speech  next  week  to  explain 
his  views:  says  he  has  known  all  along  that  Harrison 
would  be  elected, — adding,  to  the  consternation  of  every 
one, — "AS  HE  DESERVED  TO  BE!"  He  affirms  angrily, 
"no  party  could  get  on  with  that  ABSURD(!)  Two- 
Third's  Rule,  which,"  he  says,  "is  a  flagrant  abnega- 
tion, repudiation,  and  fundamental  and  atrocious  vio- 
lation of  the  old,  ancient,  and  veteran  usages  of  the 
Democratic  party."  He  adds,  with  extraordinary 


QUODLIBET.  267 

bitterness  of  expression  and  violence  of  gesticulation, 
pointing  his  finger  at  the  Hon.  Middleton  Flam,  who 
had  just  entered  the  club-room,  "I  can  name  the 
wr-r-retched  intriguer  who  got  it  up.  As  Nathan  said 
unto  David — Thou  art  the  man!" 

Great  confusion  in  the  Club.  Mr.  Flam  grows  red 
in  the  face.  Several  members  start  from  their  seats. 
Mr.  Flam  shakes  his  fist  at  Theodore  Fog,  and  calls 
him  AN  ABOLITIONIST  !  He  would  have  uttered  other 
epithets,  but  Mr.  Doubleday  catches  him  in  his  arms 
and  holds  his  hand  close  over  Mr.  F.'s  mouth.  Fog 
fiercely  retorts  on  Mr.  Flam,  and  vociferates  in  the 
rudest  tone — "FEDERALIST  !" — He  jerks  off  his  cravat 
in  a  highly  exasperated  manner,  evidently  threatening 
a  personal  assault.  Nim  Porter  seizes  him  by  the 
shoulders,  and  whirls  him  into  a  corner,  ejaculating, 
"The.,  don't  make  a  fool  of  yourself!" 

The  uproar  is  at  its  height,  when  Thomas  G.  Win- 
kelman,  with  great  presence  of  mind,  blows  out  the 
lights.  The  consequence  is,  an  abrupt  adjournment 
and  a  hurried  and  excited  departure  of  the  members 
from  the  hall. 

NEXT  MORNING. — All  Quodlibet  is  in  a  state  of  un- 
paralleled disorder.  It  is  reported  that  Theodore  Fog 
has  gone  over  to  Harrison.  Many  True  Grits  have 
taken  the  same  path. 

This  is  the  second  great  Split  of  the  Democratic 
party.  The  Hon.  Middleton  Flam  says  it  cannot  pos- 
sibly stand  a  third. 

Quis,  talia  fando,  temperet  a  lachrymis  ! 


268  QUODLIBET. 

GENTLE  reader,  I  have  performed  my  covenant. 
Quod  meum  fuit  prsestiti.  What  content  these  chron- 
icles, and  the  poor  skill  with  which  they  are  set  forth, 
may  have  brought  to  our  respectable  committee,  I  am 
in  no  position  to  decide;  since  I  know  that  an  author 
is  seldom  honestly  commended  to  his  face.  That  there 
is  division  of  opinion  on  this  matter  I  am  aware;  for 
upon  the  reading  at  the  last  meeting  on  Wednesday 
night,  I  could  not  fail  to  observe  certain  signs  of  dis- 
sent, if  not  of  displeasure,  passing  between  Eliphalet 
Fox  and  Zachary  Younghusband ;  and  that  more  than 
once.  But  Mr.  Flam,  who  has  always  shown  himself 
a  true  friend  and  patron  to  me,  took  up  my  cause  with 
such  spirit  and  effect,  being  well  supported  by  Mr. 
Doubleday  and  Mr.  Snuffers,  that  a  unanimous  vote 
of  approbation  was  finally  passed  by  the  committee. 
Thus  sheltered  under  the  shield  of  triple  brass  and 
tough  bull  hide  of  our  Grand  Central  Committee, 
I  cheerfully  submit  my  labors  to  the  judgment  of  the 
good  folks  of  Quodlibet;  promising,  if  they  approve 
and  should  again  call  me  to  the  desk,  to  contribute 
what  my  opportunity  may  allow  to  the  better  elucida- 
tion of  their  character,  both  social  and  public,  wherein 
it  is  manifest  an  eager  desire  to  be  instructed  hath 
lately  grown  up  in  this  nation.  Non  sum  qui  oblivionia 
artem,  quam  memorise  mallem. 

SOLOMON  SECONDTHOUGHTS, 

Schoolmaster. 


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